"A hard time th' rich have injyin' life," said Mr. Dooley.
"I'd thrade with thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis too much like hard wurruk.
If I iver got hold iv a little mound iv th' money, divvle th' bit
iv hardship wud I inflict on mesilf. I'd set on a large Turkish
sofa an' have dancin' girls dancin' an' a mandolin orchesthree
playin' to me. I wudden't move a step without bein' carrid. I'd
go to bed with th' lark an' get up with th' night watchman. If
annywan suggested physical exercise to me, I'd give him forty
dollars to go away. I'd hire a prize fighter to do me fightin'
f'r me, a pedesthreen to do me walkin', a jockey to do me ridin',
an' a colledge pro-fissor to do me thinkin'. Here I'd set with
a naygur fannin' me with osterich feathers, lookin' ca'mly out
through me stained glass windies on th' rollin' mills, smokin'
me good five cint seegar an' rejicin' to know how bad ye mus' be
feelin' ivry time ye think iv me hoorded wealth.
"But that ain't th' way it comes out, Hinnissy. Higgins, the
millyionaire, had th' same idee as me whin he was beginnin' to
breed money with a dollar he ownded an' a dollar he took fr'm some
wan that wasn't there at th' time. While he was hammerin' hoops
on a bar'l or dhrivin' pegs into a shoe, he'd stop wanst in a while
to wipe th' sweat off his brow whin th' boss wasn't lookin' an'
he'd say to himsilf: 'If I iver get it, I'll have a man wheel me
around on a chair.' But as his stable grows an' he herds large
dhroves down to th' bank ivry week, he changes his mind, an' whin
he's got enough to injye life, as they say, he finds he's up against
it. His throubles has just begun. I know in his heart Higgins'
ideel iv luxury is enough buckwheat cakes an' a cozy corner in a
Turkish bath, but he can't injye it. He mus' be up an' doin'.
An' th' on'y things annywan around him is up an' doin' is th'
things he used to get paid f'r doin' whin he was a young man.
"Arly in th' mornin' Higgins has got to be out exercisin' a horse
to keep th' horse in good health. Higgins has no business on a
horse an' he knows it. He was built an' idycated f'r a cooper an'
th' horse don't fit him. Th' nachral way f'r Higgins to ride a
horse is to set well aft an' hang onto th' ears. But he's tol'
that's wrong an' he's made to set up sthraight an' be a good fellow
an' meet th' horse half way. An' if th' horse don't run away with
Higgins an' kill him, he's tol' it's not a good horse an' he ought
to sell it. An' mind ye, he pays f'r that though he can't help
raymimberin' th' man nex' dure fr'm him used to get tin dollars a
week f'r th' same job.
"Whin he was a young man, Higgins knowed a fellow that dhruv four
horses f'r a brewery. They paid him well, but he hated his job.
He used to come in at night an' wish his parents had made him a
cooper, an' Higgins pitied him, knowin' he cudden't get out a life
insurance policy an' his wife was scared to death all th' time.
Now that Higgins has got th' money, he's took th' brewery man's
job with worse horses an' him barred fr'm dhrivin' with more thin
wan hand. An' does he get annything f'r it? On th' conth'ry,
Hinnissy, it sets him back a large forchune. An' he says he's
havin' a good time an' if th' brewery man come along an' felt sorry
f'r him, Higgins wudden't exactly know why.
"Higgins has to sail a yacht raymimberin' how he despised th' Swede
sailors that used to loaf in th' saloon near his house dunn' th'
winter; he has to run an autymobill, which is th' same thing as
dhrivin' a throlley car on a windy day without pay; he has to play
golf, which is th' same thing as bein' a letther-carryer without
a dacint uniform; he has to play tennis, which is another wurrud
f'r batin' a carpet; he has to race horses, which is the same thing
as bein' a bookmaker with th' chances again' ye; he has to go
abroad, which is th' same thing as bein' an immigrant; he has to
set up late, which is th' same thing as bein' a dhrug clerk; an'
he has to play cards with a man that knows how, which is th' same
thing as bein' a sucker.
"He takes his good times hard, Hinnissy. A rich man at spoort is
a kind iv non-union laborer. He don't get wages f'r it an' he
don't dhrive as well as a milkman, ride as well as a stable-boy,
shoot as well as a polisman, or autymobill as well as th' man that
runs th' steam-roller. It's a tough life. They'se no rest f'r
th' rich an' weary. We'll be readin' in th' pa-apers wan iv these
days: 'Alonzo Higgins, th' runner up in las' year's champeenship,
showed gr-reat improvement in this year's brick layin' tournymint
at Newport, an' won handily with about tin square feet to spare.
He was nobly assisted be Regynald Van Stinyvant, who acted as his
hod carryer an' displayed all th' agility which won him so much
applause arlier in th' year.
"'Th' Pickaways carrid off all th' honors in th' sewer-diggin'
contest yesterdah, defatin' th' Spadewells be five holes to wan.
Th' shovel wurruk iv Cassidy th' banker was spicially noticeable.
Th' colors iv th' Pickaways was red flannel undhershirts an' dark
brown trousers.
"'Raycreations iv rich men: Jawn W. Grates an' J. Pierpont Morgan
ar-re to have a five days' shinglin' contest at Narragansett
Pier. George Gold is thrainin' f'r th' autumn plumbin' jimkanny.
Mitchigan avnoo is tore up fr'm Van Buren sthreet to th' belt
line in priparation f'r th' contest in sthreet layin'between mimbers
iv th' Assocyation iv More-Thin-Rich Spoorts. Th' sledge teams
is completed but a few good tampers an' wather men is needed.'
"An' why not, Hinnissy? If 'tis fun to wurruk why not do some rale
wurruk? If 'tis spoort to run an autymobill, why not run a locymotive?
If dhrivin' a horse in a cart is a game, why not dhrive a delivery
wagon an' carry things around? Sure, I s'pose th' raison a rich
man can't undherstand why wages shud go higher is because th' rich
can't see why annybody shud be paid f'r annything so amusin' as
wurruk. I bet ye Higgins is wondherin' at this moment why he was
paid so much f'r puttin' rings around a bar'l.
"No, sir, what's a rich man's raycreation is a poor man's wurruk.
Th' poor ar-re th' on'y people that know how to injye wealth.
Me idee iv settin' things sthraight is to have th' rich who wurruk
because they like it, do th' wurruk f'r th' poor who wud rather
rest. I'll be happy th' day I see wan iv th' Hankerbilts pushin'
ye'er little go-cart up th' platform while ye set in th' shade iv
a three an' cheer him on his way. I'm sure he'd do it if ye called
it a spoort an' tol him th' first man to th' dump wud be entitled
to do it over again against sthronger men nex' week. Wud ye give
him a tin cup that he cud put his name on? Wud ye, Hinnissy? I'm
sure ye wud."
"Why do they do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"I dinnaw," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is that th' wan great
object iv ivry man's life is to get tired enough to sleep. Ivrything
seems to be some kind iv wurruk. Wurruk is wurruk if ye're paid
to do it an' it's pleasure if ye pay to be allowed to do it."