"Why is it," asked Mr. Hennessy, "that a rayform administhration
always goes to th' bad?"
"I'll tell ye," said Mr. Dooley. "I tell ye ivrything an' I'll
tell ye this. In th' first place 'tis a gr-reat mistake to think
that annywan ra-aly wants to rayform. Ye niver heerd iv a man
rayformin' himsilf. He'll rayform other people gladly. He likes
to do it. But a healthy man'll niver rayform while he has th'
strenth. A man doesn't rayform till his will has been impaired
so he hasn't power to resist what th' pa-apers calls th' blandishments
iv th' timpter. An' that's thruer in politics thin annywhere else.
"But a rayformer don't see it. A rayformer thinks he was ilicted
because he was a rayformer, whin th' thruth iv th' matther is he
was ilicted because no wan knew him. Ye can always ilict a man
in this counthry on that platform. If I was runnin' f'r office,
I'd change me name, an' have printed on me cards: 'Give him a
chanst; he can't be worse.' He's ilicted because th' people don't
know him an' do know th' other la-ad; because Mrs. Casey's oldest
boy was clubbed be a polisman, because we cudden't get wather above
th' third story wan day, because th' sthreet car didn't stop f'r
us, because th' Flannigans bought a pianny, because we was near
run over be a mail wagon, because th' saloons are open Sundah night,
because they're not open all day, an' because we're tired seein'
th' same face at th' window whin we go down to pay th' wather taxes.
Th' rayformer don't know this. He thinks you an' me, Hinnissy,
has been watchin' his spotless career f'r twinty years, that we've
read all he had to say on th' evils iv pop'lar sufferage befure
th' Society f'r the Bewildermint iv th' Poor, an' that we're achin'
in ivry joint to have him dhrag us be th' hair iv th' head fr'm
th' flowin' bowl an' th' short card game, make good citizens iv
us an' sind us to th' pinitinchry. So th' minyit he gets into th'
job he begins a furyous attimpt to convart us into what we've been
thryin' not to be iver since we come into th' wurruld.
"In th' coorse iv th' twinty years that he spint attimptin' to get
office, he managed to poke a few warrum laws conthrollin' th'
pleasures iv th' poor into th' stachoo book, because no wan cared
about thim or because they made business betther f'r th' polis,
an' whin he's in office, he calls up th' Cap'n iv the polis an'
says he: 'If these laws ar-re bad laws th' way to end thim is to
enfoorce thim.' Somebody told him that, Hinnissy. It isn't thrue,
d'ye mind. I don't care who said it, not if 'twas Willum Shakespere.
It isn't thrue. Laws ar-re made to throuble people an' th' more
throuble they make th' longer they stay on th' stachoo book. But
th' polis don't ast anny questions. Says they: 'They'll be less
money in th' job but we need some recreation,' an' that night a
big copper comes down th' sthreet, sees me settin' out on th' front
stoop with me countenance dhraped with a tin pail, fans me with
his club an' runs me in. Th' woman nex' dure is locked up f'r
sthringin' a clothes line on th' roof, Hannigan's boy Tim gets
tin days f'r keepin' a goat, th' polis resarves are called out to
protict th' vested rights iv property against th' haynyous pushcart
man, th' stations is crowded with felons charged with maintainin'
a hose conthrary to th' stachoos made an' provided, an' th'
tindherline is all over town. A rayformer don't think annything
has been accomplished if they'se a vacant bedroom in th' pinitinchry.
His motto is 'Arrest that man.'
"Whin a rayformer is ilicted he promises ye a business administhration.
Some people want that but I don't. Th' American business man is
too fly. He's all right, d'ye mind. I don't say annything again'
him. He is what Hogan calls th' boolwarks iv pro-gress, an' we
cudden't get on without him even if his scales are a little too
quick on th' dhrop. But he ought to be left to dale with his
akels. 'Tis a shame to give him a place where he can put th'
comether on millions iv people that has had no business thrainin'
beyond occasionally handin' a piece iv debased money to a car
conductor on a cold day. A reg'lar pollytician can't give away
an alley without blushin', but a business man who is in pollytics
jus' to see that th' civil sarvice law gets thurly enfoorced, will
give Lincoln Park an' th' public libr'y to th' beef thrust, charge
an admission price to th' lake front an' make it a felony f'r
annywan to buy stove polish outside iv his store, an' have it all
put down to public improvemints with a pitcher iv him in th' corner
stone.
"Fortchnitly, Hinnissy, a rayformer is seldom a business man. He
thinks he is, but business men know diff'rent. They know what he
is. He thinks business an' honesty is th' same thing. He does,
indeed. He's got thim mixed because they dhress alike. His idee
is that all he has to do to make a business administhration is to
have honest men ar-round him. Wrong. I'm not sayin', mind ye,
that a man can't do good work an' be honest at th' same time. But
whin I'm hirin' a la-ad I find out first whether he is onto his
job, an' afther a few years I begin to suspect that he is honest,
too. Manny a dishonest man can lay brick sthraight an' manny a
man that wudden't steal ye'er spoons will break ye'er furniture.
I don't want Father Kelly to hear me, but I'd rather have a competint
man who wud steal if I give him a chanst, but I won't, do me
plumbin' thin a person that wud scorn to help himsilf but didn't
know how to wipe a joint. Ivry man ought to be honest to start
with, but to give a man an office jus' because he's honest is like
ilictin' him to Congress because he's a pathrite, because he don't
bate his wife or because he always wears a right boot on th' right
foot. A man ought to be honest to start with an' afther that he
ought to be crafty. A pollytician who's on'y honest is jus' th'
same as bein' out in a winther storm without anny clothes on.
"Another thing about rayform administhrations is they always think
th' on'y man that ought to hold a job is a lawyer. Th' raison is
that in th' coorse iv his thrainin' a lawyer larns enough about
ivrything to make a good front on anny subject to annybody who
doesn't know about it. So whin th' rayform administhration comes
in th' mayor says: 'Who'll we make chief iv polis in place iv th'
misguided ruffyan who has held th' job f'r twinty years?' 'Th' man
f'r th' place,' says th' mayor's adviser, 'is Arthur Lightout,'
he says. 'He's an ixcillent lawyer, Yale, '95, an' is well up on
polis matthers. Las' year he read a paper on "The fine polis
foorce iv London" befure th' annyal meetin' iv th' S'ciety f'r
Ladin' th' Mulligan Fam'ly to a Betther an' Harder Life. Besides,'
he says, 'he's been in th' milishy an' th' foorce needs a man
who'll be afraid not to shoot in case iv public disturbance.' So
Arthur takes hold iv th' constabulary an' in a year th' polis can
all read Emerson an' th' burglars begin puttin' up laddhers an'
block an' tackles befure eight A.M. An' so it is on ivry side.
A lawyer has charge iv the city horse-shoein', another wan is
clanin' th' sthreets, th' author iv 'Gasamagoo on torts' is thryin'
to dispose iv th' ashes be throwin' thim in th' air on a windy day,
an' th' bright boy that took th' silver ware f'r th' essay on ne
exeats an' their relation to life is plannin' a uniform that will
be sarviceable an' constitchoochinal f'r th' brave men that wurruks
on th' city dumps. An' wan day th' main rayformer goes out expictin'
to rayceive th' thanks iv th' community an' th' public that has
jus' got out iv jail f'r lettin' th' wather run too long in th'
bath tub rises up an' cries: 'Back to th' Univarsity Settlemint.'
Th' man with th' di'mon' in his shirt front comes home an' pushes
th' honest lawyers down th' steps, an' a dishonest horse shoer
shoes th' city's horses well, an' a crooked plumber does th' city's
plumbin' securely, an' a rascally polisman that may not be avarse
to pickin' up a bet but will always find out whin Pathrolman
Scanlan slept on his beat, takes hold iv th' polis foorce, an' we
raysume our nachral condition iv illagal merrimint. An' th'
rayformer spinds th' rest iv his life tellin' us where we are
wrong. He's good at that. On'y he don't undherstand that people
wud rather be wrong an' comfortable thin right in jail."
"I don't like a rayformer," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Or anny other raypublican," said Mr. Dooley.