"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "ye ought to be glad ye're not sick
an' illusthrees at th' same time."
"How's that?" Mr. Hennessy demanded.
"Well, ye see," said Mr. Dooley, "suppose annything happens to ye
now; a fellow counthryman dhrops a hammer on ye th' day afther th'
picnic or ye'er di-gestion listens to a walkin' dillygate fr'm th'
Union iv Microbes an' goes out on sthrike. Th' polisman on th'
corner has th' usual suspicions among gintlemen an' hits ye over
th' head an' calls th' wagon an' sinds ye home. Th' good woman
wrings her hands an' calls Hiven to witness that if ye have a
toothache ye wake th' neighborhood, an' slaps a mustard plasther
on ye. If she comes back later an' finds ye haven't put th' sheet
between ye an' th' plasther an' gone to sleep, she knows 'tis
seeryous an' sinds f'r th' doctor. We continyoo to have doctors
in what th' pa-apers calls th' outlyin' wards. They live above
th' dhrug-store an' practice midicine on us. Th' physicians an'
surgeons are all down town editin' th' pa-apers. Well, dock comes
to ye afther awhile in a buggy. On th' way up he sets a broken
leg, removes an arm, does a little something f'r th' city directhry,
takes a dhrink, talks pollyticks with th' unhappy parent an' fin'lly
lands at ye'er dure with th' burglar's tools. Afther he's closed
that dure th' secrets iv th' inner man is known on'y to him. No
wan hears or wants to hear annything about it. Th' nex' time we
see ye, ye come out lookin' pale an' emacyated an' much younger
an' betther lookin' thin annywan iver raymimbers seein' ye, an'
afther awhile ye obsarve that whin ye start to tell how manny
stitches it took an' what ye see whin ye smelled th' dizzy sponge,
ye'er frinds begin to sprint away. An' ye go back reluctantly to
wurruk. Ye niver hear annywan say: 'Hinnissy is great comp'ny whin
he begins to talk about his sickness.' I've seen men turn fr'm a
poor, helpless, enthusyastic invalid to listen to a man talkin'
about th' Nicaragoon canal.
"But with th' great 'tis far diff'rent. I've often thanked th'
Lord that I didn't continyoo in pollytics whin I was cap'n iv me
precinct, f'r with th' eyes iv all th' wurruld focussed, as Hogan
says, on me, I cud niver injye th' pleasure iv a moment's sickness
without people in far-off Boolgahrya knowin' whether me liver was
on sthraight. Sickness is wan iv th' privileges iv th' poor man
that he shares with no wan. Whin it comes kindly to him, th' four
walls iv his room closes in on him like a tent, folks goes by on
th' other side iv th' sthreet, th' rollin' mill disappears, an'
with th' mornin' comes no honest day's tile. He lies there in
blessid idleness an' no matther what's th' matther with him, he
don't suffer half as much pain as he would in pursoot iv two dollars
a day. I knowed a man wanst who used to take his vacations that
way. Whin others wint off f'r to hunt what Hogan calls th' finny
monsthers iv th' deep, he become seeryously ill an' took to bed.
It made him very sthrong.
"But suppose I hadn't resigned fr'm cap'n iv me precinct whin I
was defeated. If annything had happened to me, ye'd pick up th'
pa-apers an' see: 'Seeryous news about th' Cap'n iv th' twinty-sicond
precinct iv th' sixth ward. He has brain fever. He has not. He
got in a fight with a Swede an' had his ribs stove in. He fell
out iv th' window iv a joolry store he was burglarizin' an' broke
th' left junction iv th' sizjymoid cartilage. Th' throuble with
th' Cap'n is he dhrinks too much. A man iv his age who has been
a soak all his life always succumbs to anny throuble like
hyperthroopily iv th' cranium. Docthor Muggers, dean iv th' Post
Gradyate Vethrinary school iv Osteopathy says he had a similar
case las' year in Mr. Hinnery Haitch Clohessy, wan iv th' best
known citizens iv this city. Like th' Cap, Mr. Clohessy was a
high liver, a heavy dhrinker, a gambler an' a flirt. Th' cases
are almost identical. Owin' to th' code iv pro-fissional eethics
Dr. Muggers cud not tell th' bereaved fam'ly what ailed Misther
Clohessy, but it was undoubtedly his Past Life.'
"Thin come th' doctors. Not wan doctor, Hinnissy, to give ye a
whiff out iv a towel an' make ye sleep f'r an hour an' wake up an'
say 'I fooled ye. Whin do ye begin?' No, but all iv thim. They
escort th' prisoner up th' sthreet in a chariot, an' th' little
newsboys runs alongside sellin' exthry papers. 'Our night edition
will print th' inside facts about Cap Dooley's condition, an' th'
Cap himsilf with a cinematograph iv th' jolly proceedin's be Dock
Laparatonny.' What happens to th' criminal at first is th' same
as if he was a dacint, wurrukin' man. But whin that is done, an'
'tis gettin' so aisy they tell me they'se not much diff'rence
between a good clam-salesman an' a first-class surgeon, th' lithry
wurruk begins. Ye think 'tis all over whin ye say: 'Dock, put
ye'er hand undher th' pillow an' take what's there.' But not so.
Th' assembled docks adjourn to a large hall an' prepare th' story
iv 'Cap Dooley; a Stormy Career. Be wan who knows.'
"'Upon seein' th' Cap, we at once diagnosed th' case as
peritclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th' throat.
Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th' annysthetic,
Dr. Hygeen opened th' window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th' gas, Dr.
Aluompaine turned th' pitchers to th' wall, Dr. Rambo looked out
th' window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an'
Coltar took a walk in th' park, an' Doctor Saliclate figured up
th' bill. As we have said we diagnosed th' case as above. We
can't raymimber th' name. It depinds on how th' syllables came
out iv th' hat. We were wrong, although what we see whin we got
in more thin made up f'r th' error. We made a long incision fr'm
th' chin down an' another acrost an' not findin' what we expicted,
but manny things that ought to be kept fr'm th' fam'ly, we put th'
Cap back an' wint on. Th' op'ration was a complete success. Th'
wretch is restin an' swearin' easily. We have given him a light
meal iv pickles an' antiseptic oats, an' surgical science havin'
done its duty, mus' lave th' rest to Nature, which was not in th'
consultation, bein' considhered be some iv us, slightly irregular.
(Signed) Look at our names: 'Pincers, Anodyne, Peroxide, Smothers,
Coltar, Antipyreen, Cepalgeen, Alicompane, Gycal, Hygeen, Rambo,
Saliclate.'
"But that's nawthin'. If ye think they'se annything ye wud like
to keep up ye'er sleeve, look f'r it in th' pa-apers. 'Th' followin'
facts is stated on th' authority iv wan iv th' attindin' surgeons:
Cap Dooley cut up terribly undher th' chloryform, singin' songs,
swearin' an' askin' f'r Lucy. His wife's name is Annamariar. She
was in th' adjinin' room. It seems they have had throuble. Th'
room was poorly furnished. Th' Cap's clothes was much worn as was
most iv him. He must have led a shockin' life. It is doubtful
if he will iver raycover f'r he is very, very old. He has been
concealin' his age f'r manny years. He is a notoryous profligate,
as was well shown be th' view we had. Th' flash light pitcher iv
th' Cap will appeal to all who know his inner histhry.'
"An' there ye ar-re. Think iv a man comin' out in th' light iv
day afther all that. He can't get on clothes enough to cover him.
He may bear himsilf with a haughty manner, but he feels that ivry
man he meets knows more about him thin he knows himsilf. Th'
fellow on th' sthreet has been within th' walls. He's sayin' to
himsilf: 'Ye're a hollow sham composed akelly iv impaired organs
an' antiseptic gauze.' To th' end iv his life, he'll niver be
annything more thin an annytomical chart to his frinds. His privacy
is over f'river, f'r what good can it do annywan, Hinnissy, to
pull down th' blinds iv his bed room if ivrybody knows exactly th'
size, shape an' location iv his spleen?
"No, sir, if I've got to be sick, give me th' ordhn'ry dacencies
iv poverty. I don't want anny man to know anny more about me thin
he can larn fr'm th' handiwork iv Marks, th' tailor, an' Schmitt,
th' shoemaker, an' fr'm th' deceitful expression iv me face. If
I have a bad heart, let him know it be me eyes. On me vest is
written: 'Thus far an' no farther.' They'se manny a man on intimate
terms with th' King iv England to-day that don't know anny more
about me thin that I'm broadcloth on Sundah an' serge on week days.
An' I don't intind they shall. I hide behind th' privileges iv
me position an' say: 'Fellow-citizens, docks an' journalists, I
cannot inthrajooce ye to th' Inner Man. He's a reecloose an'
avarse to s'ciety. He's modest an' shy an' objects to callers.
Ye can guess what kind iv man I am but I wudden't have ye know.'
An' I can do that as long as I stay poor."
"I'm glad I'm poor," said Mr. Hennessy.
"It gives ye less to talk about but more to think about," said Mr.
Dooley.