"Now that th' king iv Great Britain an' Ireland, but Ireland don't
know it, an' th' Dominyons beyond th' sea, f'r awhile, has been
cawrnated," said Mr. Dooley, "we can raysume where we left off."
"So it has been done at last, has it?" said Mr. Hennessy.
"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' prisince iv th' mos' illusthrees
iv his subjects, except me frind Whitelaw Reid, he was cawrnated
las' Saturdah. 'Tis too bad it was put off. 'Twas got up, d'ye
mind, f'r th' thrue an' staunch subjects on this side iv th' wather.
Th' king didn't need it. He's been king all th' time. A lot iv
us knew it. All he had to do anny time was to take his caubeen
fr'm th' rack, but his subjects fr'm beyond th' sea wanted to see
a cawrnation, an' they cudden't convaniently have wan here where
th' counthry is still run be univarsal suffering an' there are a
good manny shootin' gall'ries, an' annyhow he thought he'd like
to keep on good terms with th' Captains iv Industhry f'r fear they
might get mad an' put his furniture out into th' channel an' use
th' island f'r storin' ex-prisidints. So he got up th' cawrnation.
An' afther all, most iv thim didn't see it. They had to come
home here where they were born an' lave th' land where they expict
to die an' will, too, if they an' us have luck.
"But 'twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy. F'r weeks an'
weeks some iv th' finest minds in Europe has been debatin' whether
th' king shud stand on th' Earl iv Whinkie or th' markess iv
Ballyhoo durin' th' ceremony. It was decided that th' honor shud
go to th' noble earl, but that it was th' privilege iv th' noble
markess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he set
down. Th' king ain't supposed to do annything f'r himsilf but go
up an' be cawrnated. At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebody
akelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an'
haul his coat down whin it gets up over th' collar. An' ivrybody
cudden't do it, mind ye. It had to be done be th' right party,
whose folks had done it f'r other kings. I've been readin' about
it an' I've come to th' con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th' Scotch
nobility is mos'ly dayscinded fr'm tailors.
"Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin'
to th' rules iv th' game, whin wan day I read in th' pa-aper: 'Th'
king dines with Wall sthreet magnates. Jools missin' fr'm th'
crown.' Ye see, th' hat had not been out f'r a long time an' whin
they come to get it fr'm th' box, 'twas found that manny iv th'
vallyable gems in th' band was missin'. I don't know whether 'tis
thrue or not, but 'tis said that th' ancesthors iv th' prisint
king, bein' hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th' hat iv a
Saturdah night an' go down to Mose at th' corner an' get something
on it. An' whin times was slack an' th' ponies backward, they
cudden't get th' jools out, so they cut a piece fr'm th' window
an' pasted it in. It looked f'r awhile as though th' king wud
have to be cawrnated be a glazier. They cudden't find th' tickets
high or low. It wudden't do to cawrnate him in a glass hat, an'
there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along at
th' right moment an' give thim a handful iv his unimportant jools
an' th' hat was properly decorated. Fr'm that time on we saw that
if we were to get th' worth iv our money, we'd have to do th' job
oursilves, an' ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins.
Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superbly
dicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lint
thim th' sthreets; Frohman th' theatres; th' American syndicate
give thim th' use iv th' river, an' a hundherd thousand lile
American hearts an' lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that made
th' king jump ivry time he heerd it.
"An' th' American duchesses! Were they there? Look in th' pa-apers.
I sometimes wondher whin I read th' palajeems iv our liberties
whether an English nobleman iver marries at home. Is it a law
that prevints thim fr'm marryin' thim fresh-faced, clear-eyed
daughters iv ol' Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th' American
duchesses is about all there is to it in London. They were at th'
cawrnation, ye bet. They were th' cawrnation. They bore th'
thrain iv th' queen. No wan can lift a thrain betther or higher
thin a free-born American lady. At th' side iv her majesty walked
th' beautiful Duchess iv Binkie-whistle, born Lucy hicks iv Dobbs
Ferry. Th' Duchess' father an' mother come over las' week with
their respictive fam'lies, an' it is undhershtud that wan iv th'
happiest ivints iv th' whole glad cawrnation season was th'
determination iv Ma Hicks to devote her alimony intire to rebuildin'
th' ancesthral mansion iv th' jook. Pa Hicks, not to be outdone,
announced that he wud add th' rent derived fr'm th' ancesthral
mansion iv th' duchess, which is now used as a livery stable.
"An' so th' gr-reat ivint come off. I won't describe it to ye.
It's been done betther thin I cud do it be a fearless press. Ye
know ye'ersilf how th' pro-cission winded its way through th'
sthreets; how Wistminsther Abbey was crowded with peers an'
peeresses, an' what a mighty shout wint up fr'm Willum Waldorf
Astor whin he come in an' sat on his hat near th' dure. It was
all right. First come th' prelates backin' to'rd th' althar.
Thin all th' jooks bowin' low. Thin th' queen, attinded be a bevy
iv American duchesses. Thin th' king lookin' ivry inch a
king--sixty-four be sixty-two in all. Thin th' Rile Shoes, th'
Rile Socks, th' Rile Collar an' Cuffs, an' th' Rile Hat borne be
th' hereditary Sockbearers, Shoesters, Collariferios, an' th' High
an' Magnificint Lid-Lord (in chains). Suddenly all is silent. A
hush falls on th' assimblage, broken on'y be a low, sad cry.
Willum Waldorf Astor has fainted.
"An' so, says th' pa-aper, in th' prisince iv th' mighty dead an'
th' mighty near dead, among th' surroundings that recalled th'
days iv shivaree an' in an atmosphere full iv aristocratic
assocyations, on account iv th' vintilation bein' poor, Albert
Edward Ernest Pathrick Arthur, king, definder iv th' faith, put
on his hat. Th' organ pealed off a solemn peal, th' cannons boomed,
th' duchesses et hard-biled eggs out iv a paper bag, an' a pale
man in silk tights wept over th' tomb iv Major Andhre. It was
Joseph Chote. That night all Great Britain rejoiced, fr'm wan
end iv Ireland to th' other th' lile popylace showed their joy
an' th' sky was lit up be hundherds iv burnin' barns an' a salute
iv forty-four guns was fired in th' County Kerry at a landlord's
agent comin' home fr'm a ball.
"I hope he'll make a good king. I ain't so much down on kings as
I used to be, Hinnissy. I ain't down on thim anny more because I
don't invy thim, an' ye can't be down on anny man ye don't invy.
'Tis a hard job an' a thankless wan. A king nowadays is no more
thin a hitchin' post f'r wan pollytician afther another. He ain't
allowed to move himsilf, but anny crazy pollytician that ties up
to him is apt to pull him out be th' roots. He niver has anny
childhood. He's like th' breaker-boys in th' mines; he's put to
wurruk larnin' his thrade as soon as he can walk. Whin it comes
time f'r him to marry, th' prime ministher takes him out wan day
an' says: 'There's th' on'y woman in th' wurruld f'r ye.' 'But I
niver see her befure,' says th' unforchnit king. 'Ye'll see less
iv her afther nex' week,' says th' prime ministher. 'Ye're goin'
to marry her,' he says. An' he backs him up to th' bench where
th' young lady sets an' inthrajooces thim an' they're marrid.
Think iv havin' th' boord iv aidhermen silict a wife f'r ye an'
ye'll know how th' king feels whin a warrant is sarved again' him
to hook up with his cousin Agoosta Ann, a German lady who freckles
aisily an' croshays neckties f'r a lift'nant in th' army. All his
life long a king is bossed about like a hired girl in a boardin'
house, an' he can't aven die without havin' a lot iv people runnin'
in ivry tin minyits to ask has he done it yet so they can be on
th' mark to holler 'God save th' king' out iv th' front window th'
moment th' flag falls. No, sir; I don't want to be a king an'
whiniver I see a good fellow takin' th' job, I feel sorry f'r him.
I know what he is up again'."
"I believe ye're no betther thin th' rest iv thim thraitors," said
Mr. Hennessy.
"I'm diff'rent," said Mr. Dooley, calmly. "They helped him in an'
I'd do annything in me power, now that he is king, to help him out."