"That man Bailey iv Texas f'r me ivry time," said Mr. Dooley.
"What's he been doin'?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He done me frind Biv'ridge iv Injyanny," said Mr. Dooley. "An'
I'm f'r him f'r leader iv th' party. He's wan iv th' best two-handed
orators in th' sinit or annywhere. He has a wondherful left an'
his repartee with th' right is said to be very stingin'. He's
inthrajooced th' sthrangle holt be means iv which th' debate can
be suddenly cut off. He's me ideel leader.
"I want a leader who's got a good grip on public affairs an' men,
who can take hold iv anny question or anny raypublican an' choke
it or him till they're black in th' face. Bailey's th' boy. I
followed Tillman f'r awhile, but he's gone back. He belongs to
th' ol' school iv parlymintaryans, th' same that Jawn L. Sullivan
belongs to. He's clever f'r an old 'un an' I'd be willin' to back
him again anny raypublican in New England at catch-weights. His
reply to Sinitor McLaurin was said to be wan iv th' quickest iver
heerd since th' days iv Dan'l Webster. It laid open th' scalp.
But they tell me Tillman's speeches is not what Hogan calls
impromptchu. He rehearses thim ivry mornin' with a punchin'-bag.
Bailey is more iv a nachral debater. No holds barred with him.
Hand or fut, 'tis all th' same.
"What was it all about, says ye? Well, ye see this sinitor fr'm
Injyanny, me frind Jeremiah Biv'ridge made a mos' insultin' remark
to Misther Bailey. What did he say? I mustn't tell ye. No, no,
'tis too horrible. Well, if ye must hear it, close th' dure an'
pull down th' blinds. Whisper! There! There ye have it. I blush
to raypeat th' wurruds. To think that anny man shud so demean
himsilf as to imagine such a thing, lave alone say it. But he
did--right out in th' Sinit befure Hinnery Cabin Lodge. Oh, it
was turr'ble. Here it is in th' pa-apers: 'Misther Biv'ridge said
th' st-t-m-nts iv th' hon'rable sinitor fr'm Texas was unw-r-nted.'
Modesty where was thy blush? as Shakespere says. Now, th' sinitors
iv th' United States is not aisily shocked. That's not th' way
ye get into th' Sinit. Th' bright blush iv shame hasn't been used
there more thin twice since th' war. Ye can say almost annything
ye like to a sinitor. Ye can say he wanst stole a horse, that
he's livin' undher an assumed name, that he was made be a thrust,
that his on'y nourishment is beets, or that he belongs to New York
s'ciety, an' th' Sinit will on'y yawn. But wanst even hint that
his such-an'-such is so-an'-so (I will not repeat th' heejous
wurruds) an' ye mus' hurry an' slip on th' brass knuckles, f'r
they'se a slap comin' to ye.
"Here's what happened: 'Sinitor Bailey stepped quickly over Sinitors
Hoar, Mason, Quay, an' others an' made f'r where Sinitor Biv'ridge
was quitely smokin' a cigar an' talkin' to himsilf. Sinitor Bailey
says: "Hon'rable sir, ye must withdraw that loathsome insinooation
again' me good name," he says. "I have not led a pure life. No
man has. I don't claim to be anny betther thin others. But no
wan befure has iver said about me such things as these, an' if ye
don't take thim back at wanst, I'll kill ye, I'll choke ye, I'll
give ye a poke in th' eye," he says. "I cannot consint," says th'
bold sinitor fr'm Injyanny, "I cannot consint to haul back me
epithet. It wud not be sinitoryal courtesy," he says. "Thin,"
says Sinitor Bailey, "here goes f'r an assault an' batthry." An'
with a gesture iv th' thrue orator, he seized him be th' throat.
Th' debate become gin'ral. Sinitor Spooner iv Wisconsin led f'r
th' raypublicans an' Sinitor Morgan iv Alabama counthered f'r th'
dimmycrats. Sinitor Platt made a very happy retort with a chair,
to which Sinitor Gorman replied with a sintintious cuspidor. Owin'
to th' excitin' nature iv th' debate on'y a few iv th' best remarks
reached th' gall'ry, wan iv thim, a piece iv hard coal, layin' out
a riprisintative iv th' Sultan iv Zulu. At th' hospital he declared
himsilf much imprissed. Durin' th' proceedin's Biv'ridge acted
in th' mos' gintlemanly an' even ladylike manner. His face wore
a smile iv complete sang fraud or pain, an' he niver took his cigar
fr'm his mouth wanst. Indeed, it was siv'ral hours befure th'
Havana cud be exthracted be th' surgeon who was called in. While
th' debate was in progress, a pitcher iv Thomas Jefferson was
obsarved to give a slight moan an' turn its face to th' wall. Th'
Sinit thin took up routine business an' th' janitor swept up th'
hair an' neckties. Sinitor Biv'ridge was not much hurt. Th'
tinder outside iv th' wind-pipe was somewhat bruised, but th'
wurrukin' inside is still intact.'
"'Twas a pretty scene, Hinnissy, an' wan that makes me proud iv
Bailey f'r his courage in pouncin' on his collague; iv Biv'ridge
f'r th' manly self resthraint an' rayspict f'r th' dignity iv th'
Sinit that par'lyzes a man's hands whin his wind is cut off; iv
our noble counthry that projooces such sturdy sons, iv th' Sinit
that brings thim together in a clinch an' iv mesilf because I
wasn't there. I'm with Bailey. Bailey f'r prisidint! Bailey or
bust or choke!
"I'm not sure that if I was in th' same place I'd do th' same
thing. But I'm no statesman. Who am I to say that what wudden't
be manners in a bar-room is not all right in th' Sinit? Diff'rent
men has diff'rent raisons f'r fightin'. Ivry man will fight. Ye
can bet on that. A brave man will fight because he is brave an'
a cow'rd because he is a cow'rd. All men will fight an' all men
will run. Some will fight befure they'll run, but they'll run;
some men will run befure they'll fight, but they'll fight. They'se
a pretty good fight an' a pretty fast run in ivry man I know. Th'
debate in th' Sinit don't prove annything about th' merits iv
ayether pug. In some other circumstances, Biv'ridge might have
hunted Bailey up a three. It happened to be Bailey's day.
"As I get on in years, I believe less in fightin'. 'Tis a turr'ble
thing to see th' aged an' infirm swingin' away at each other.
'Tis so unscientific. I hate to think iv a man with one leg in
th' grave usin' th' other to thrip th' free foot iv a fellow aged.
I'm glad Bailey an' Biv'ridge ar-re young men. What a scandal if
Sinitor Cullom an' Sinitor Morgan shud mix it up! Wan iv th' things
a man larns as he grows old is to dislike fightin'. He dislikes
annything he can't do as well as he cud. I'm that way. But I
wasn't always so. No, sir. They was a time whin I'd fight at th'
dhrop iv a hat, f'r money or marbles or pool checks, f'r th' good
name iv women or th' revarse, f'r political principles or unprincipled
politics, f'r th' gate receipts, f'r me relligion, f'r th' look
iv th' thing, because th' barkeeper heard what he said, because he
whispered to her, f'r th' sacred theery that th' buildin's is higher
in Chicago thin in New York, f'r th' fun iv th' thing, an' f'r th'
Fight. That last's th' best iv all. A man that won't fight f'r
th' fight itsilf is no rale fighter. I don't know what wud make
me fight nowadays. I know lots iv things that wud make me want
to fight, but I've larned to repress me desires. Me heart is full
iv song but I've lost me voice. In me dhreams I'm always punchin'
somebody's head. I shall niver f'rget th' night whin I put Jeffries
out iv th' business with wan well-directed punch an' me in me bare
feet, too. I can niver f'rget it f'r I fell out iv bed and bumped
me head again' th' rocker iv a chair. But in me wakin' hours, I'm
a man iv vi'lent impulses an' peaceful raysults. In a fight I'd
be like a deef-mute in a debatin' s'ciety. But as I said, Hinnissy,
they was a day whin th' lightest wurrud was an insult. Nowadays
I say to mesilf: 'Considher th' soorce. How can such a low blaggard
as that insult me? Jus' because some dhrunken wretch chooses to
apply a foul epitaph to me, am I goin' to dignify him be knockin'
him down in th' public sthreet an' p'raps not, an' gettin' th'
head beat off me? No, sir. I will raymimber me position in th'
community. I will pass on with a smile iv bitter contempt. Maybe
I'd betther run a little.'
"Th' las' throuble I got into I begun to think iv th' new suit I
had on an' I knew me warryor days was over. Whin a man raymimbers
his clothes or his appearance in battle, 'tis high time f'r him
to retire fr'm th' ring. Th' ca'm, almost deathlike smile that
rests upon a man's face whin another man is cloutin' him about is
on'y th' outward exprission iv something about two numbers up th'
chest fr'm sea sickness. That's all I've got to say about fightin'.
Ye can't lay down anny rules about it."
"Ye niver will go to th' Sinit with thim views," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I don't want to," said Mr. Dooley. "Some day th' Sinit will be
pulled."