"Th' question befure th' house is," said Mr. Dooley, "which wan
iv th' Euro-peen powers done mos' f'r us in th' Spanish war."
"I thought they were all again' us," said Mr. Hennessy.
"So did I," said Mr. Dooley, "but I done thim an injustice. I was
crool to thim crowned heads. If it hadn't been f'r some wan power,
an' I can't make out which it was, th' Cubians to-day wud be
opprissed be th' Casteel instead iv th' Beet Sugar Thrust an' th'
Filipinos'd be shot be Mausers instead iv Krag-Jorgensens. Some
wan power sthretched out its hand an' said, 'No. No,' it said,
'thus far but no farther. We will not permit this misguided but
warrum-hearted little people to be crushed be th' ruffyan power
iv Spain,' it said. 'Niver,' it said, 'shall histhry record that
th' United States iv America, nestlin' there in its cosy raypublic
fr'm th' Atlantic to th'Passyfic, was desthroyed an' th' hurtage
iv liberty that they robbed fr'm us wasted because we did not give
thim support,' it says. An' so whin th' future looked darkest,
whin we didn't know whether th' war wud last eight or be prolonged
f'r tin weary, thragic minyits, whin it seemed as though th' Spanish
fleet wud not sink unless shot at, some kindly power was silently
comfortin' us an' sayin' to itsilf: 'I do so hope they'll win, if
they can.' But I don't know which wan it was.
"At first I thought it was England. Whiniver ye hear iv anny
counthry helpin' us, ye think it is England. That's because England
has helped us so much in th' past. Says Lord Cranburne in reply
to a question in th' House iv Commons: 'I am reluctantly foorced
be mesilf to blushin'ly admit that but f'r us, people on their way
to China to-day wud be gettin' up an' lookin' over th' side iv
th' ship an' sayin', "This is where America used to be." Whin war
was first discussed, mesilf an' th' rest iv th' fam'ly met an'
decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an'
invistmints acrost th' sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so we
cabled our ambassadure to go at wanst to th' White House an' inform
th' prisidint that we wud regard th' war as a crool blot on
civilization an' an offinse to th' intillygince iv mankind. I am
glad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious. War was immeedjately
declared. I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as we
r-read th' news fr'm day to day. Ye know. I will on'y say that
we insthructed our ambassadure to do ivrything in his power to
help our kinsmen an' he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers. He
practically lived at th' White House durin' th' thryin' peeryod,
an' his advice to th' prisidint such as: "If ye go on with this
binnyficint war th' United Powers will knock ye'er head off," or
"I think I can secure fav'rable terms fr'm th' Powers if ye will
abdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th' house iv Bourbon an'
cede New England to Spain," done more thin annything else to put
heart into th' American foorces. I will add that durin' this time
we was approached be an ambassadure iv wan iv th' powers who ast
us to inthervene. I will not say which power it was, excipt that
it was Austhrya-Hungary an' I'm previnted be th' obligations iv me
office fr'm mintionin' what powers was behind th' move beyond
hintin' that they was as follows: Germany, France, Rooshya, It'ly,
China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro,
Booloochistan an' Pershya. Pah's reply to th' ambassadure was:
"I will do all I can" as he kicked him down stairs. It ill becomes
me to say what else we done f'r that home iv freedom--an' hiven
knows I wisht it'd stay there an' not be wandherin' over th' face
iv th' wurruld--but I'm not proud iv me looks an' I will remark
that Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th' iditors iv England,
thim hearts iv oak, that th' American navy was advised be our mos'
inargetic corryspondints an' that, to make th' raysult certain, we
lint a few British gin'rals to th' Spanish. Cud frindship go
farther? As they say in America: "I reckon, be gosh, not."'
"Well, whin I read this speech I was prepared to hang th' medal
f'r savin' life on th' breasts iv th' hands acrost th' sea where
there's always plinty iv hooks f'r medals. But th' nex' day, I
picks up th' pa-aper an' sees that 'twas not England done it but
Germany. Yes, sir, 'twas Germany. Germany was our on'y frind.
They was a time whin it looked as though she was goin' to shoot
at us to keep us fr'm th' consequences iv our rash act. They'se
nawthin' Germany wudden't do for or to a frind. Yes, it was Germany.
But it was France, too. La Belle France was there with a wurrud iv
encouragemint an' a glance iv affection out iv her dark eyes that
kep' growin' darker as th' war proceeded. An' it was Rooshya.
Whin th' Czar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'm
so sorry. Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an'
Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain. Spain was our frind
till th' war was over. Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th'
Ph'lippines.
"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind.
How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisy
lies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'r
some iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American. But whoiver
it was that saved us I'm thankful to thim. It won't do f'r ye to
look at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wud
be hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, or
that Europeen assistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutch
f'r a foot-runner. But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind,
we'd've been annihilated. Th' powers wud've got together an' they
wud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn't
blow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick. They wud've sint an
irresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wud
rayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war
that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will decline
to eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib
sides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces,
Europe cud outstarve America in a month."
"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a young
man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as
f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."
"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reat
powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know
what I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'
th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'
hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that
rules th' wurruld."