"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirm
th' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd been
in jail."
"Pro-fissyonal jealousy," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, th' fact iv
th' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' Far
West want an' th' prisidint does. Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty iv
th' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind out
a man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that can
multiply com-pound fractions in his head. But th' prisidint he
knows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligent
officers that can shoot through th' pocket. Th' other day it
become necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzony
a competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peace
iv said community, an' th' pollyticians in Wash'nton was f'r givin'
thim somewan fr'm Connecticut or Rhode Island with a cough an' a
brother in th' legislachure. But th' prisidint says no. 'No,'
he says, 'none but th' best,' he says, f'r th' domain iv th' settin'
sun, 'he says. 'I know th' counthry well,' he says, 'an' to cope
with th' hardy spirits iv Aryzony 'tis issintial we shud have a
man that can plug a coyote fr'm th' hip at fifty paces,' he says.
'How can you dhraw to yon hectic flush so's to make him good again'
th' full hands iv thim communities where life is wan gay an'
tireless round iv shoot,' he says. 'Ye can't expict him to riprisint
th' majesty iv th' govermint iv Wash'nton an' Lincoln. He'd be
bucked off befure he got his feet in th' sturrups. No, sir, th'
man iv me choice is Tarantula Jake, th' whirlwind iv Zuina Pass.
This imminint statesman has pocketed more balls thin anny other
disperado west iv Tucson, an' anny docymints iv state enthrusted
to his hands is sure to be delivered to their object,' he says,
'or,' he says, 'th' heirs iv th' object,' he says.
"'But,' says th' Sinit, 'he lost an ear in a fight.'
"'A boyish error,' says th' prisidint. 'Th' man threw th' knife
at him,' he says.
"'And he kilt a man,' says they.
"'Ye do him an injustice,' says th' prisidint. 'Kilt a man, says
ye! Kilt a man! Such is fame. Why,' he says, 'he's kilt more men
thin th' Sinit has repytations,' he says. 'Ye might jus' as well
say me frind Sinitor Bivridge wanst made a speech, or that Shakespere
wrote a play, or that it's a fine tooth I have. If all th' people
Jake has kilt was alive to-day, we'd be passin' congisted disthrict
ligislachion f'r Aryzony. Kilt a man is it? I give ye me wurrud
that ye can hardly find wan home in Aryzony, fr'm th' proudest
doby story-an'-a-half palace iv th' rich to th' lowly doby wan-story
hut iv th' poor, that this flagrant pathrite hasn't deprived iv
at laste wan ornymint. Didn't I tell ye he is a killer? I didn't
mane a man that on'y wanst in a while takes a life. He's a rale
killer. He's no retailer. He's th' Armour iv that particular
line iv slaughter. Ye don't suppose that I'd propose f'r to
enthrust him with a lofty constichoochinal mission if he on'y
kilt wan man. Me notions iv th' jooties iv public office is far
higher thin that, I thank hivin. Besides in th' case ye speak iv
'twas justifiable homicide. He had ast th' man to dhrink with
him. No, sir, I have examined his record carefully an' I find him
fully equipped f'r anny emergency. He niver misses. He's th' man
f'r th' place, th' quick dhrawin', readily passionate, hammerless
gun firin' Terror iv th' Great Desert.'
"But th' Sinit didn't approve iv him. Th' sinitor fr'm Matsachoosetts,
where human life is held so cheap that no wan thinks iv takin' it,
pro-tested again' him, an' 'twas fin'lly discovered that early
in his career he'd been caught runnin' off a bunch iv cows an'
pushed into jail, an' that was too much f'r th' hon'rable body,
hardly wan member iv which has iver been caught. So they give
Jake th' go-by.
"But it'll come out all right in th' end. Th' prisidint knows
what th' West wants an' he 'll get it f'r thim. Th' West is no
effete community, where th' folks likes a quiet book-keepin' life,
an early supper, a game iv cards, lock th' windy, wind th' clock
an' so to bed. That may do f'r th' East. But in th' West, we
demand Sthrenuse Life an' Sudden Death. We're people out here on
th' des'late plains where th' sun sets pink acrost th' gray desert
an' th' scorpion clings to th' toe. We don't want pianny tuners
or plasther saints to govern us. We want men who go to bed with
their spurs on, an' can break a gun without spikin' their thumbs.
We'll have thim too. Undher precedin' administhrations, th' job
wint to th' la-ads with no more qualifications thin is needed to
run a dairy lunch. Some iv th' bes' places in th' West is held
be th' poorest shots, while men capable iv th' mos' sthrikin' gun
plays is left to devote their talents to private functions. An'
they call that th' merit system! I expict th' time is near at hand
whin justice will be done thim worthy citizens. At prisint whin
a man is needed f'r a govermint office, he is called on to set
down with a sheet of pa-aper an' a pot iv ink an' say how manny
times eight-an'-a-half will go into a line dhrawn fr'm th' base
iv th' hypothenoose, an' if he makes th' answer bright an' readable,
they give him a place administherin' th' affairs iv a proud people
that cudden't tell a hypothenoose fr'm a sea-lion. But whin things
gets goin' right undher this administhration, th' civil sarvice
commission consistin' iv th' Hon. Bill Cody, th' Hon. Texas Jack,
an' th' Hon. Bat Masterson will put th' boys through an examination
that'll bring out all there is in thim. I'm preparin' a pa-aper
f'r an examination iv candydates f'r sup'rintindint iv th'
Smithsonyan Institoot:
"1. Describe a round-up.
"2. Name five iv th' best brands (a) cattle (b) whiskey, ye have
used.
"3. Afther makin' a cinch, is it proper f'r to always kick th'
critter in th' stomach or on'y whin ye feel like it?
"4. Undher what circumstances shud a Mexican not be shot, and if
so, why?
"5. How long shud a tinderfoot dance befure he is entitled to live?
"6. Name eighty reasons f'r dhrawin' a gun.
"7. State ye'er opinyion iv sheep men.
"8. Write a brief account iv th' life an' death iv Billy th' Kid.
"Iv coorse, Hinnissy, this is on'y a part iv th' exercise. They'll
be practical tests as well. Th' iligible list'll be taken out
into th' yard an' required to shoot at movin' an' stationary
targets, at pedesthreens an' horsemen, fr'm th' pocket, fr'm th'
hip, over th' shouldher, fr'm a window with a sawed-off shot gun,
an' so on. They'll be required to bust a buckin' bronc, cut out
a steer fr'm th' herd without stampedin' th' rest, lassoo movin'
objects an' give other exhibitions iv science. An' th' la-ad
that wins out'll have to defind his job again' all comers f'r a
month.
"I want to see this day. We're a nation iv hayroes, an' none but
hayroes shud enjye th' spoil. Thin we'll read that th' Hon. Mike
McCorker has been appinted Ambassadure to England: 'Mike is wan
iv th' mos' detarmined statesmen between Rapid City an' Rawlins.
His early life was spint in seclusion, owin' to a little diff'rence
about a horse, but he had no sooner appeared in public life thin
he made his mark on th' marshal iv Red Gulch. He applied himsilf
to his chosen career with such perseverance an' so thrue an aim
that within two years he had risen to th' head iv his pro-fission,
a position that he has since held without interruption excipt
durin' th' peryod whin th' Hon. Grindle H. Gash shelled him f'r
three days with a howitzer. His remarkable night attack on that
gallant but sleepy statesman will not soon be f'rgotten. A great
ovation will be given Bill whin he pulls his freight f'r th' coort
iv Saint James. Some iv th' boys is loadin' up f'r it already,
an' near all th' Chinese has moved into th' hills. Ambassadure
Gash was a Rough Rider durin' th' late Cubian War.
"'Th' appintment iv Judge Rufus Flush to be Chief Justice iv th'
United States Supreeme Coort is hailed with delight be all citizens
iv New Mexico. Judge Flush is th' recognized authority on gun
shot wounds an' lynch law in th' Southwest, besides bein' in private
life a pretty handy man with knife or gun himsilf. He was wan iv
th' first men up San Joon Hill on th' mim'rable day.
"'Th' sicrety iv state was visited yisterdah be throop B iv th'
Rough Riders, includin' th' sicrety iv th' threesury, th' postmasther
gin'ral, nine disthrick judges, forty postmasthers, an' wan hundherd
an' eight collictors iv intarnal rivinoo. Th' conversation was
informal, but it is undhershtud that th' advisability iv an excursion
to Boston to shoot up th' anti-impeeryalist saloons was discussed.
Th' prisidint dhropped in durin' th' conference an' greeted all
prisint be their first name, which is Bill. There was some
good-natured chaff as to which iv th' gintlemen was first at th'
top iv San Joon Hill befure th' meetin' broke up. Th' postmasther
gin'ral is sufferin' fr'm a slight knife wound.'"
"Ar-re all th' people West iv th' park shootin' men?" asked Mr.
Hennessy timidly.
"I think so," said Mr. Dooley, "but a man that's been out there
tells me not. He says annywan but an Englishman cud go fr'm wan
end iv th' West to th' other without carryin' a gun, an' that
people that kill each other are not considhered rayspictable in
Tucson anny more thin they wud be in Eysther Bay, but that they
are mostly dhrunk men an' th' like iv that. Th' towns, he says,
is run be fellows that sell ribbons, milk, yeast, spool thread an'
pills an' pull teeth an' argye little foolish law suits, just as
th' towns down here are run, an' th' bad men are more afraid iv
thim thin they are iv each other. He says there are things doin'
out West that niver get into th' dime novels, an' that whin people
lose their lives they do it more often in a saw mill or a smelter
thin in a dance hail. He says so but I don't believe him."
"I suppose," said Mr. Hennessy, "a man iv me peaceable disposition
wud niver get a job."
"Make a repytation," said Mr. Dooley. "Buy a gun."