"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said
Mr. Hennessy.
"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about it
there in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere
else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talk
about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se
nawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead,
garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to
school, worshipin' on Sundah in th' churches an' thankin' Hiven
f'r th' blessin's iv free govermint an' th' pro-tiction iv th'
flag above thim.
"So it is in th' Phi'lippeens. I know, f'r me frind Gov'nor Taft
says so, an' they'se a man that undherstands con-tintmint whin
he sees it. Ye can't thrust th' fellows that comes back fr'm th'
jools iv th' Passyfic an' tells ye that things ar-re no betther
thin they shud be undher th' shade iv th' cocoanut palm be th'
blue wathers iv th' still lagoon. They mus' be satisfied with our
rule. A man that isn't satisfied whin he's had enough is a glutton.
They're satisfied an' happy an' slowly but surely they're acquirin'
that love f'r th' govermint that floats over thim that will make
thim good citizens without a vote or a right to thrile be jury.
I know it. Guv'nor Taft says so.
"Says he: 'Th' Ph'lippeens as ye have been tol' be me young but
speechful frind, Sinitor Bivridge, who was down there f'r tin
minyits wanst an' spoke very highly an' at some lenth on th'
beauties iv th' scenery, th' Ph'lippeens is wan or more iv th'
beautiful jools in th' diadem iv our fair nation. Formerly our
fair nation didn't care f'r jools, but done up her hair with side
combs, but she's been abroad some since an' she come back with
beautiful reddish goolden hair that a tiara looks well in an' that
is betther f'r havin' a tiara. She is not as young as she was.
Th' simple home-lovin' maiden that our fathers knew has disappeared
an' in her place we find a Columbya, gintlemen, with machurer
charms, a knowledge iv Euro-peen customs an' not averse to a
cigareet. So we have pinned in her fair hair a diadem that sets
off her beauty to advantage an' holds on th' front iv th' hair,
an' th' mos' lovely pearl in this ornymint is thim sunny little
isles iv th' Passyfic. They are almost too sunny f'r me. I had
to come away.
"'To shift me language suddintly fr'm th' joolry counther an' th'
boodore, I will say that nawthin' that has been said even be th'
gifted an' scholarly sinitor, who so worthily fills part iv th'
place wanst crowded be Hendricks an' McDonald, does justice to th'
richness iv thim islands. They raise unknown quantities iv produce,
none iv which forchnitly can come into this counthry. All th'
riches iv Cathay, all th' wealth iv Ind, as Hogan says, wud look
like a second morgedge on an Apache wickeyup compared with th'
untold an' almost unmintionable products iv that gloryous domain.
Me business kept me in Manila or I wud tell ye what they are.
Besides some iv our lile subjects is gettin' to be good shots an'
I didn't go down there f'r that purpose.
"'I turn to th' climate. It is simply hivenly. No other wurrud
describes it. A white man who goes there seldom rayturns unless
th' bereaved fam'ly insists. It is jus' right. In winter enough
rain, in summer plinty iv heat. Gin'rally speakin' whin that
thropical sky starts rainin' it doesn't stop till it's impty, so
th' counthry is not subjected to th' sudden changes that afflict
more northerly climes. Whin it rains it rains; whin it shines it
shines. Th' wather frequently remains in th' air afther th' sun
has been shinin' a month or more, th' earth bein' a little overcrowded
with juice an' this gives th' atmosphere a certain cosiness that
is indescribable. A light green mould grows on th' clothes an'
is very becomin'. I met a man on th' boat comin' back who said
'twas th' finest winter climate in th' wurruld. He was be
profission a rubber in a Turkish bath. As f'r th' summers they
are delicious. Th' sun doesn't sit aloft above th' jools iv th'
Passyfic. It comes down an' mingles with th' people. Ye have
heard it said th' isles was kissed be th' sun. Perhaps bitten wud
be a betther wurrud. But th' timprachoor is frequently modified
be an eruption iv th' neighborin' volcanoes an' th' inthraduction
iv American stoves. At night a coolin' breeze fr'm th' crather
iv a volcano makes sleep possible in a hammock swung in th' ice-box.
It is also very pleasant to be able to cuk wan's dinner within wan.
"'Passin' to th' pollytical situation, I will say it is good. Not
perhaps as good as ye'ers or mine, but good. Ivry wanst in a while
whin I think iv it, an iliction is held. Unforchnitly it usually
happens that those ilicted have not yet surrindhered. In th'
Ph'lippeens th' office seeks th' man, but as he is also pursooed
be th' sojery, it is not always aisy to catch him an' fit it on
him. Th' counthry may be divided into two parts, pollytically,--where
th' insurrection continues an' where it will soon be. Th'
brave but I fear not altogether cheery army conthrols th' insurrected
parts be martiyal law, but th' civil authorities are supreme in
their own house. Th' diff'rence between civil law an' martiyal
law in th' Ph'lippeens is what kind iv coat th' judge wears. Th'
raysult is much th' same. Th' two branches wurruks in perfect
harmony. We bag thim in th' city an' they round thim up in th'
counthry.
"'It is not always nicessry to kill a Filipino American right away.
Me desire is to idjacate thim slowly in th' ways an' customs iv
th' counthry. We ar-re givin' hundherds iv these pore benighted
haythen th' well-known, ol'-fashioned American wather cure. Iv
coorse, ye know how 'tis done. A Filipino, we'll say, niver heerd
iv th' histhry iv this counthry. He is met be wan iv our sturdy
boys in black an' blue iv th' Macabebee scouts who asts him to
cheer f'r Abraham Lincoln. He rayfuses. He is thin placed upon
th' grass an' given a dhrink, a baynit bein' fixed in his mouth
so he cannot rejict th' hospitality. Undher th' inflooence iv
th' hose that cheers but does not inebriate, he soon warrums or
perhaps I might say swells up to a ralization iv th' granjoor iv
his adoptive counthry. One gallon makes him give three groans f'r
th' constitchoochion. At four gallons, he will ask to be wrapped
in th' flag. At th' dew pint he sings Yankee Doodle. Occasionally
we run acrost a stubborn an' rebellyous man who wud sthrain at me
idee iv human rights an' swallow th' Passyfic Ocean, but I mus'
say mos' iv these little fellows is less hollow in their pretintions.
Nachrally we have had to take a good manny customs fr'm th'
Spanyard, but we have improved on thim. I was talkin' with a
Spanish gintleman th' other day who had been away f'r a long time
an' he said he wudden't know th' counthry. Even th' faces iv th'
people on th' sthreets had changed. They seemed glad to see him.
Among th' mos' useful Spanish customs is reconcenthration. Our
reconcenthration camps is among th' mos' thickly popylated in th'
wurruld. But still we have to rely mainly on American methods.
They are always used fin'lly in th' makin' iv a good citizen, th'
garotte sildom.
"'I have not considhered it advisable to inthrajooce anny fads
like thrile be jury iv ye'er peers into me administhration. Plain
sthraight-forward dealin's is me motto. A Filipino at his best
has on'y larned half th' jooty iv mankind. He can be thried but
he can't thry his fellow man. It takes him too long. But in time
I hope to have thim thrained to a pint where they can be good men
an' thrue at th' inquest.
"'I hope I have tol' ye enough to show ye that th' stories iv
disordher is greatly exaggerated. Th' counthry is pro-gressin'
splindidly, th' ocean still laps th' shore, th' mountains are there
as they were in Bivridge's day, quite happy apparently; th' flag
floats free an' well guarded over th' govermint offices, an' th'
cherry people go an' come on their errands--go out alone an' come
back with th' throops. Ivrywhere happiness, contint, love iv th'
shtep-mother counthry, excipt in places where there ar-re people.
Gintlemen, I thank ye.'
"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. I hope this here lucid story
will quite th' waggin' tongues iv scandal an' that people will let
th' Ph'lippeens stew in their own happiness."
"But sure they ought do something f'r thim," said Mr. Hennessy.
"They will," said Mr. Dooley. "They'll give thim a measure iv
freedom."
"But whin?"
"Whin they'll sthand still long enough to be measured," said Mr.
Dooley.