"What's all this about Cubia an' th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr.
Hennessy. "What's beet sugar?"
"Th' throuble about Cubia is that she's free; th' throuble about
beet sugar is we're not; an' th' throuble about th' Ph'lippeens
is th' Ph'lippeen throuble," said Mr. Dooley. "As rega-ards Cubia,
she's like a woman that th' whole neighborhood helps to divoorce
fr'm a crool husband, but nivertheless a husband, an' a miserable
home but a home, an' a small credit at th' grocery but a credit,
an' thin whin she goes into th' dhressmakin' business, rayfuse to
buy annything fr'm her because she's a divoorced woman. We freed
Cubia but we didn't free annything she projooces. It wasn't her
fault. We didn't think. We expicted that all we had to do was
to go down to Sandago with a kinetoscope an' sthrike th' shackles
fr'm th' slave an' she'd be comfortable even if she had no other
protiction f'r her poor feet. We f'rgot about th' Beet. Most iv
us niver thought about that beautiful but fragile flower excipt
biled in conniction with pigs' feet or pickled in its own life
juice. We didn't know that upon th' Beet hangs th' fate iv th'
nation, th' hope iv th' future, th' permanence iv our instichoochions
an' a lot iv other things akelly precious. Th' Beet is th' naytional
anthem an', be hivins, it looks as though it might be th' naytional
motto befure long.
"Well, Cubia got her freedom or something that wud look like th'
same thing if she kept it out iv th' rain, but somehow or another
it didn't suit her entirely. A sort iv cravin' come over her that
it was hard to tell fr'm th' same feelin' iv vacancy that she knew
whin she was opprissed be th' Hated Casteel. Hunger, Hinnissy,
is about th' same thing in a raypublic as in a dispotism. They'se
not much choice iv unhappiness between a hungry slave an' a hungry
freeman. Cubia cudden't cuk or wear freedom. Ye can't make freedom
into a stew an' ye can't cut a pair iv pants out iv it. It won't
bile, fry, bake or fricassee. Ye can't take two pounds iv fresh
creamery freedom, a pound iv north wind, a heapin' taycupfull iv
naytional aspirations an' a sprinklin' iv bars fr'm th' naytional
air, mix well, cuk over a hot fire an' sarve sthraight fr'm th'
shtove; ye can't make a dish out iv that that wud nourish a tired
freeman whin he comes home afther a hard day's wurruk lookin' f'r
a job. So Cubia comes te us an' says she: 'Ye done well by us,'
she says. 'Ye give us freedom,' says she, 'an' more thin enough
to go round,' she says, 'an' now if ye plaze we'd like to thrade
a little iv it bhack f'r a few groceries,' she says. 'We will
wear wan shackle f'r a ham,' says she, 'an' we'll put on a full
raygalia iv ball an' chain an' yoke an' fetters an' come-alongs
f'r a square meal,' says she.
"That sounds raisonable enough an' bein' be nature a gin'rous
people whin we don't think, we're about to help her disthress with
whativer we have cold in th' panthry whin th' thought iv th' Beet
crosses our minds. What will th' Beet say, th' red, th' juicy,
th' sacchrine Beet, th' Beet iv our Fathers, th' Beet iv Plymouth
Rock, Beet iv th' Pilgrim's Pride, Sweet Beet iv Liberty, iv thee
I sing? If we do annything f'r Cubia, down goes th' Beet, an' with
th' Beet perishes our instichoochions. Th' constichoochion follows
th' Beet ex propria vigore, as Hogan says. Th' juice iv th' Beet
is th' life blood iv our nation. Whoiver touches a hair iv yon
star spangled Beet, shoot him on th' spot. A bold Beet industhry
a counthry's pride whin wanst desthroyed can niver be supplied.
'Beet sugar an' Liberty Now an' Foriver, wanan' insiprable'--Dan'l
Webster. 'Thank Gawd I--I also--am a Beet'--th' same. 'Gover'mint
iv th' Beet, by th' Beet an' f'r th' Beet shall not perish fr'm
th' earth,'--Abraham Lincoln. An' so, Hinnissy, we put th' pie
back into th' ice-chest where we keep our honor an' ginerosity an'
lock th' dure an' Cubia goes home, free an' hopeless. D'ye think
so? Well, I don't. Be hivins, Hinnissy, I think th' time has come
whin we've got to say whether we're a nation iv Beets. I am no
serf, but I'd rather be bent undher th' dispotism iv a Casteel
thin undher th' tyranny iv a Beet. If I've got to be a slave,
I'd rather be wan to a man, even a Spanish man, thin to a viggytable.
If I'm goin' to he opprissed be a Beet, let it be fr'm th' inside
not fr'm without. I'll choose me masther, Hinnissy, an' whin I
do, 'twill not be that low-lyin', purple-complected, indygistible
viggytable. I may bend me high head to th' egg-plant, th' potato,
th' cabbage, th' squash, th' punkin, th' sparrow-grass, th' onion,
th' spinach, th' rutabaga turnip, th' Fr-rench pea or th' parsnip,
but 'twill niver be said iv me that I was subjygated be a Beet.
No, sir. Betther death. I'm goin' to begin a war f'r freedom.
I'm goin' to sthrike th' shackles fr'm a slave an' I'm him. I'm
goin' to organize a rig'mint iv Rough Riders an' whin I stand on
th' top iv San Joon hill with me soord in me hand an' me gleamin'
specs on me nose, ye can mark th' end iv th' domination iv th'
Beet in th' western wurruld. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye what, if
th' things I hear fr'm Wash'nton is thrue, that other war iv freedom
stopped befure it was half done."
"An' what about th' Ph'lippeens?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley,
"excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."
"All over?"
"All over."