"That Prince Hinnery seems to be havin' a good time," said Mr.
Hennessy.
"He's havin' th' time iv his life," said Mr. Dooley. "Not since
th' Hohnezollern fam'ly was founded be wan iv th' ablest burglars
iv th' middle ages has anny prince injyed such a spree as this
wan. Ye see, a prince is a gr-reat man in th' ol' counthry, but
he niver is as gr-reat over there as he is here. Whin he's at
home he's something th' people can't help an' they don't mind him.
He's like an iron lamp post, station'ry, ornymintal, an' useful
to let people know where they are. But whin he comes to this home
iv raypublican simplicity, he's all that th' wurrud prince wud
imply, an' it implies more to us thin to annywan else. I tell ye,
we're givin' him th' best we have in th' shop. We're showin' him
that whativer riv'rince we may feel tow'rd George Wash'nton, it
don't prejudice us again' live princes. Th' princes we hate is
thim that are dead an' harmless. We've rayceived him with open
arms, an' I'll say this f'r him, that f'r a German he's a good
fellow.
"That's as far as I care to go, havin' lived f'r manny years among
th' Germans. I'm not prejudiced again' thim, mind ye. They make
good beer an' good citizens an' mod-rate polismen, an' they are
fond iv their fam'lies an' cheese. But wanst a German, always
Dutch. Ye cudden't make Americans iv thim if ye called thim all
Perkins an' brought thim up in Worcester. A German niver ra-aly
leaves Germany. He takes it with him wheriver he goes. Whin an
Irishman is four miles out at sea he is as much an American as
Presarved Fish. But a German is niver an American excipt whin he
goes back to Germany to see his rilitives. He keeps his own
language, he plays pinochle, he despises th' dhrink iv th' counthry,
his food is sthrange an' he on'y votes f'r Germans f'r office, or
if he can't get a German, f'r somewan who's again' th' Irish. I
bet ye, if ye was to suddenly ask Schwarzmeister where he is, he'd
say: 'At Hockheimer in Schwabia.' He don't ra-aly know he iver
come to this counthry. I've heerd him talkin' to himsilf. He
always counts in German.
"But I say about Prince Hinnery that f'r a German he's all right
an' I'm glad he come. I hear he wrote home to his brother that
is th' Imp'ror over there: 'Dear Willum: This is a wondherful
counthry, an' they've give me a perfectly killin' rayciption.
I've almost died laughin'. We was met forty miles out at sea be
a band on a raft playin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. We encountered
another band playin' th' same plazin' harmony ivry five miles till
we got up to New York. I wisht I had come over on a man-iv-war.
In th' Bay we was surrounded be a fleet iv tugs carryin' riprisintatives
iv th' press, singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine. I rayceived siveral
offers through a migaphone to write an article about what ye say
in ye'er sleep f'r th' pa-apers, but I declined thim, awaitin'
insthructions fr'm ye. At th' dock we was greeted be a band playin'
th' Watch on th' Rhine an' afther some delay, caused be th'
Delicatessen Sangerbund holdin' us while they sung th' Watch on
th' Rhine, we stepped ashore on a gangplank neatly formed be th'
guv'nor iv th' state holdin' onto th' feet iv th' mayor, him
clutchin' th' iditor iv th' Staats Zeitung an' so on, th' gangplank
singin' th' Watch on th' Rhine as we walked to th' dock.
"'I am much imprissed be New York. I hate it. Th' buildin's are
very high here but th' language is higher. If I was to go home
now, ye wudden't know me. Afther I hear a speech I don't dare to
look in th' glass f'r fear I might be guilty iv treason to ye,
mein lieber. Our illustrious ancesthor, Fridrick th' Great, was
a cheap an' common man compared to me, an' ye, august brother,
niver got by th' barrier. I hope I'll have time to cool down
befure I get home or ye'll have to lock me up.
"'They're givin' me th' fine line iv entertainmint. Ivrywhere I
go, they'se music or something that does as well. I have a musical
insthrument called a catastrophone in me room that plays th' Watch
on th' Rhine whin I go in at night an' get up in th' mornin'.
Whin I go out on th' sthreet, th' crowd cries "Hock th' Kaiser."
I wish they'd stop hockin' ye, dear brother, an' hock th' Watch
on th' Rhine. (This here is an American joke. I'm gettin' on
fast.) I'm goin' to be took to th' opry some night this week.
They've fired a lot iv la-ads out iv their boxes to make room f'r
me. Wan iv thim objected, but he was fired annyhow. Aftherward
I'm goin' to ate dinner with th' iditors iv th' counthry. Won't
that be nice? I suppose I'm th' first Hohnezollern that iver took
dinner with an iditor, though our fam'ly has often given thim food
an' lodgin'--in jail. I wish ye was here to go with me. Ye've
had more journylistic expeeryence an' manny iv th' things ye've
had printed wudden't seem too unthrue to th' other guests. Th'
newspapers has been mos' kind to me, I might say almost too kind.
I am sindin' ye a photygraft iv mesilf in me bath, took be flashlight
be an iditor concealed on th' top iv th' clothes press, an' an
interview be a lady rayporther who riprisinted hersilf as th'
Queen iv Ohio.
"'But th' big ivint comes off tomorrah. I am actually invited to
a dinner iv wan hundherd iv th' riprisintative business men iv New
York an' a few Christyans ast in aftherward. Hooray, hooray! Mind
ye, these ar-re not ordhn'ry business men. Far fr'm it. No one
gets in unless he has made at laste eight millyion marks out iv
th' sivinty millyion marks in this counthry. An' I'm ast to meet
thim! What fun! I bet 'twill be jolly. I'm goin' to buy me a table
f'r computin' inthrest, a copy iv th' naytional bankin' act an' a
good account iv th' thransactions in sterlin' exchange f'r th'
current year an' whin th' quip an' jest go round, I'll be no
skeleton at th' feast.
"'Ye can see be this that me life has been almost too gay, but th'
merrymint goes blithely on. Fr'm here I go to Bawstown where I
expict to pat th' Bunker Hill monymint on th' head an' have a look
at th' new railway station. Then I will take in Buffly, Cichago
(pro-nounced Sichawgo), Saint Looey, Three Rapids, Idaho, Pinnsylvanya,
an' mos' iv th' large cities iv th' west, includin' Chatahooga
where wan iv th' gr-reat battles iv th' rivolution was fought
between Gin'ral Sigel an' Gin'ral Zollycoffer. I ixpict to larn
a good deal about th' steel, pork, corn, lard an' lithrachoor iv
th' counthry befure I rayturn. But this buttherfly existence is
killin' me. It is far too gay. I suppose whin I was younger, I
wud've injyed it, but me time f'r socyal fistivities has passed
an' I long f'r th' quiet iv home life among th' simple ryelties
iv Europe. Ye'ers, Hinnery.'
"Yes, he's havin' a good time. But what th' pa-apers calls th'
climax iv th' intertainmint will be reached whin he arrives in
Chicago. Schwartzmeister an' I will rayceive him. Schwartzmeister's
fam'ly knew his in th' ol' counthry. He had an uncle that was
booted all th' way fr'm Sedan to Paris be a cousin iv th' Prince.
We've arranged th' programme as far as Ar-rchey road is consarned.
Monday mornin', visit to Kennedy's packin' house; afthernoon,
Riordan's blacksmith shop; avenin', 'Th' Two Orphans,' at th'
Halsted sthreet opry house. Choosdah, iliven A.M., inspiction iv
th' rollin' mills ; afthernoon, visit to Feeney's coal yard;
avenin', 'Bells iv Corneville,' at th' opry house. Winsdah
mornin', tug ride on th' river fr'm Thirty-first sthreet to Law's
coal yard; afthernoon, a call on th' tanneries, th' cable barn an'
th' brick yards; avenin', dinner an' rayciption be th' retail
saloonkeepers. There's th' whole programme. They may think in
New York they are givin' him a good time but we'll show him what
gayety ra-aly is, an' inform him iv th' foundation iv our
supreemacy as a nation. That's what he wants to see an' we'll
show it to him."
"Goowan," said Mr. Hennessy. "He don't know ye."
"I bet ye he knows me as much as he knows thim," said Mr. Dooley.
"To a ra-ale prince, they can't be much diff'rence between a man
who sells liquor be th' pail an' wan that sells it be th' distillery,
between a man that makes a horseshoe an' wan that makes a mlllyion
tons iv steel. We're all alike to him--Carnaygie, Rockyfellar,
Morgan, Schwartzmeister an' me."
"Well, he certainly has been well rayceived," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I wondher," said Mr. Dooley, "if he thinks 'tis on th' square!"