"It's goin' to be gr-reat times f'r us Germans whin Prince Hinnery
comes over," said Mr. Dooley.
"By th' way," said Mr. Hennessy with an air of polite curiosity,
"what relation's he to th' impror iv Germany? Is he th' son or th'
nevvew?"
"He's nayther," said Mr. Dooley. "Th' impror has no sons that I
iver heerd iv. If he had a son he'd be a steam injine. No, sir,
this man is th' impror's brother Hinnery or Hans. I don't exactly
know what th' usual jooties iv an impror's brother is. I know
what an impror has to do. His wurruk's cut out f'r him. I cud
fill th' job mesilf to me own satisfaction an' th' on'y wan an
impror has to plaze is himsilf. Th' German impror frequently
mintions another, but on'y in th' way iv politeness. I know what
an impror's jooties is, but I don't know what an impror's brother
has to do ex officio, as Hogan says. But this boy Hinnery or Hans
has more wurruk thin a bartinder in a prohibition town. He's a
kind iv travellin' agent f'r th' big la-ad. His bag is ready
packed ivry night, he sleeps like a fireman with his pants in his
boots beside his bed, an' they'se a thrap dure alongside th' cradle
f'r him to slide down to th' first flure.
"He's no more thin got to sleep whin th' three iliven sounds on
th' gong. In Hinnery leaps to th' pantaloons, down th' laddher
he goes pullin' up his suspinders with wan hand an' puttin' on his
hat with th' other an' off he is f'r Corea or Chiny or Booloochistan
at a gallop. His brother stands at th' dure an' hollers farewell
to him. 'Go, Hinnery,' he says. 'Go, me dear brother, to th'
land iv perpetchooal sunshine an' knock in nails f'r to hang up
th' German armor,' he says. 'Knock in th' nails, an' if ye happen
to hit ye'ersilf on th' thumb, swear on'y be th' German Mike an'
raymimber ye done it f'r me,' he says. 'I will remain at home an'
conthrol th' rest iv th' wurruld with th' assistance iv that German
Providence that has been as kind to us as we desarve an' that we
look up to as our akel,' he says. An' Hinnery goes away. He
travels o'er land an' sea, be fire an' flood an' field. He's th'
ginooine flyin' Dutchman. His home is in his hat. He hasn't slept
all night in a bed f'r tin years. 'Tis Hinnery this an' Hinnery
that; Hinnery up th' Nile an' Hinnery to Injy; Hinnery here an'
Hinnery there. Th' cuffs iv his shirt is made iv th' time cards
iv railroads. Ivry time they'se a change in schedool he ordhers
new shirts. He knows th' right iv way fr'm Berlin to Ballymaehoo;
he speaks all known languages, an' ivrywhere he goes he makes a
frind or an inimy, which is th' same thing to th' Germans. He
carries a sample case undher wan arm an' a gun undher th' other,
an' if ye don't like Rhine wine perhaps ye'll take lead. On
second considherations he won't shoot ye but he'll sell ye th'
Krupp. They'se more where it come fr'm.
"I tell ye, Hinnissy, this Impror or Kaiser iv Germany is a smart
man. I used to think 'twas not so. I thought he had things unaisy
in his wheel-house. I mind whin he got th' job, ivrywan says:
'Look out f'r war. This wild man will be in that office f'r a
year whin he'll just about declare fight with th' wurruld.' An'
ivrybody framed up f'r him. But look ye what happened. 'Tis
twinty years since he was swore in an' ne'er a fight has he had.
Ivrybody else has been in throuble. A screw-maker iv a sindintary
life has ploonged England into a war; me frinds th' Greeks that
were considhered about akel to a flush iv anger over a raid on a
push cart has mixed it up with th' Turks; th' Japs has been at
war, an' th' Dagoes; our own peace-lovin' nation has been runnin'
wan short an' wan serryal war, an' aven th' Chinese has got their
dandher up, be hivins, but Willum, th' Middleweight Champeen,
Willum th' Potsdam Game Chicken, Willum, th' Unterdenlinden Cyclone,
Willum has been ladin' th' ca'm an' prosperous life iv a delicatessen
dealer undher a turner hall. He's had no fights. He niver will
have anny fights. He'll go to his grave with th' repytation iv
nayether winnin' nor losin' a battle, but iv takin' down more
forfeits thin anny impror pugilist iv our time.
"What do I think iv him? Well, sir, I think he's not a fighter but
a fight lover. Did ye iver see wan iv thim young men that always
has a front seat at a scrap so near th' ring that whin th' second
blows th' wather he gets what's left on his shirt front? Well,
that's me frind Willum. He is a pathron iv spoort an' not a spoort.
His ideel is war but he's a practical man. He has a season ticket
to th' matches but he niver will put on the gloves. He's in the
spoortin' goods business an' he usu'lly gets a percintage iv th'
gate receipts. If he sees two nations bellowin' at each other th'
assurances iv their distinguished considheration, he says: 'Boys,
get together. 'Tis a good match. Ye're both afraid. Go in, uncle;
go in, Boer.' He is all around th' ringside, encouragin' both sides.
'Stand up again' him there, Paul; rassle him to th' flure. Good
f'r ye, uncle. A thrifle low, that wan, but all's fair in war.
Defind ye'er indipindance, noble sons iv Teutonic blood. Exercise
ye'er sov'reign rights, me English frinds.' If wan or th' other
begins to weaken th' first bottle through th' ropes is Willum's.
Whin annybody suggests a dhraw, he demands his money back. Nawthin'
but a fight to a finish will do him. If ayether iv th' contestants
is alive in th' ring at th' end, he congratulates him an' asks
him if he heerd that German cheer in th' las' round.
"Oh, he's good. He'll do all right, that German man. In high
di-plomacy, he's what in low di-plomacy wud be called a happy
jollyer. But he knows that if a man's always slappin' ye on th'
back, ye begin to think he's weak; so he first shakes his fist
undher ye'er nose an' thin slaps ye on th' back. Sometimes he
does both at th' same time. An' he's got th' thrue jollyer's way
iv provin' to ye that he's ye'er frind alone an' th' deadly inimy
iv all others. He's got th' Czar iv Rooshya hypnotized, th' King
iv England hugged to a standstill, an' th' Impror iv Chiny in tears.
An' he's made thim all think th' first thing annywan knows, he'll
haul off an' swing on wan iv th' others.
"So, havin' fixed ivrything up in Europe, he cast his eyes on this
counthry, an' says he: 'I think I'll have to dazzle thim furriners
somewhat. They've got a round-headed man f'r prisidint that was
born with spurs on his feet an' had a catridge-belt f'r a rattle,
an' some day his goolash won't agree with him an' he'll call th'
bluff I've been makin' these manny years. What'll I do to make
thim me frinds so that 'twud be like settin' fire to their own
house to attackt me? Be hivins, I've got it. They're a dimmycratic
people. I'll sind thim a prince. They can't keep him away, an'
whin he lands, th' German popylation'll come out an' get up
schootzenfists f'r him an' me fellow impror acrost th' say'll see
how manny iv them there ar-re, an' he'll think twict befure he
makes faces at me. F'r, wanst a German, always a German be it
iver so far,' he says. 'I'll sind thim Hinnery. Hinnery! Turn
in th' alarm f'r Hinnery,' he says. Hinnery slides down th' pole
an' th' Impror says: 'Brother, catch th' night boat f'r America
an' pay a visit to whativer king they have there. Take along
annywan ye like an' as manny thrunks as ye need, an' stay as long
as ye plaze. Don't ring. Back th' dhray again' th' front dure
an' hurl ye'ersilf into th' first bed room ye see. Act just as
if ye was me,' he says. 'But I'm not invited,' says Hinnery.
'Write ye'er own invitation,' says Willum. 'Here's th' answer:
'Fellow Potyntate, Ye'ers iv th' second instant askin' me brother
Hinnery to spind a year with ye, not received. In reply will say
that nawthin' cud give me gr-reater pleasure. He can stay as long
as he plazes. Him an' his soot will not need more thin th' whole
house, so ye can have th' barn to ye'ersilf. If ye have a brother,
don't neglect to sind him over to see me. I know a good hotel at
four a day, all included but candles, an' if he stands at th'
front window, he can see me go by anny day. Ye'ers, Willum, Rex
an' a shade more.'
"So here comes Hinnery, an' we're goin' to give him a gloryous
rayciption. Th' war vessels will be out to welcome him, th'
prisidint will meet him at th' dock an' he will be threated to wan
continyous round iv schutzenfists, turnd'yeminds, sangerbunds,
katzenjammers, skats, an' other German fistivals. Th' aristocracy
iv New York is practicin' Dutch an' th' Waldorf-Astorya will be
festooned with dachshunds. He'll see more Germans an' more German
Germans thin he iver see in Prooshya. An' I hope he'll have a
good time."
"I wondher what Tiddy Rosenfelt thinks iv it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Well, what wud ye think if ye'd had to intertain a German Prince
unawares? Ye'd give him th' best ye'd got, ye'd dig up a bottle
iv Knockimheimer down th' sthreet an' ye'd see that he got a noodle
ivry time he reached. An' whin he wint away, ye'd go as far as
th' dure with him an' pat him on th' back an' say: 'Good-bye,
good-bye, Hinnery. Good-bye, Hans. Guten nobben, oof veedersayin,
me boy. Good luck to ye. Look out f'r that shtep! There ye ar-re.
Be careful iv th' gate. D'ye think ye can get home all right? I'd
go as far as th' car with ye if I had me coat on. Well, good-bye
lanksman. Raymimber me to ye'er brother. Tell him not to f'rget
that little matther. Oh, of coorse, they'se no counthry in th'
wurruld like Germany an' we're uncivilized an' rapacyous an' will
get our heads knocked off if we go into a fight. Good-bye, mein
frind.' An' whin ye'd shut th' dure on him, ye'd say: 'Well, what
d'ye think iv that?'"