"Can a man marry on twinty-five dollars?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"He can if he can get th' money," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley; "here's a judge on th' binch says
twinty-five dollars is as much as a man needs to enther th' sacred
bonds--twinty-five dollars beside th' nerve, an' he has to have
that annyhow. Th' pa-apers has took it up an' some is f'r it an'
some is again' it. A few iditors believes it can be done on less;
others thinks it can't be done undher thirty at th' outside. A
larned lawyer says that a man who wud lure a young girl away fr'm
her music lessons whin if she asked him f'r twinty-six dollars
he'd have to signal f'r help, is nawthin' short iv a crim'nal.
Nearly all th' ladin' acthresses in th' counthry has been interviewed
an' they say that if marrid at all they cud not see their way clear
f'r less thin a millyion iv money. They think th' judge meant a
divoorce. Lookin' over th' argymints pro an' con, Hinnissy, I
come to th' conclusion that th' judge is wrong an' times has changed.
"Whin I was a boy all a man needed was a little encouragement fr'm
th' fam'ly, an account with a liveryman an' a small pull with th'
parish priest an' there he was. 'Twas well if he had a job too
but if he hadn't it wasn't a bar. A marrid man can always find
wurruk to do. He's got to. But no wan iver thought iv askin' him
to skin open his bank book. They wasn't anny such things. They
wasn't anny banks. He didn't have to pin a cashier's check to th'
proposal an' put in a sealed bid. If th' girls in my time an'
this part iv town had to wait f'r an opulent business man with
twinty-five or thirty dollars, manny iv thim wud be waitin' at
this minyit.
"We looked on mathrimony as a dhraft on posterity, as Mark Hanna
wud say, an' not as an invistmint. We argyied that while th'
childher was growin' up we'd be undher no expinse, an' when they'd
finished their schoolin' an' was able to take up th' stern jooties
iv life an' go to wurruk, say between th' age iv sivin an' nine,
they cud support us in luxury. Th' young ladies had none th' best
iv us. They had no money too, along with th' rest iv their charms.
It was no case iv matchin' coopons in thim happy days. Th' father
iv th' fam'ly niver thought iv sindin' in an expert accountant to
look over th' young man's books an' decide whether his invistmints
was sound, an' if th' young man had th' nerve to ask his father-in-law
was he still on th' payroll, 'twudn't be the sacramint iv mathrimony
he'd require. If th' young man was kind to th' dog, smoked seegars
that were not made be th' rubber thrust an' cud pass ivry second
saloon without a pang, he was illegible f'r to enther th' first
fam'lies in th' neighborhood an' sometimes even th' last. We was
too dilicate f'r to speak iv marredge as though it was like buyin'
a pound iv tinpinny nails. Durin' th' coortship no wan around
th' house iver let on that annything was in th' air, though wanst
in awhile they was a giggle whin th' dure bell rang an' th' ol'
man wud give a wink to th' clock an' go out into th' kitchen. We
spint most iv our time in th' kitchen while th' preliminaries was
bein' arranged. Th' coortship I think wint on be a complete system
iv signals long befure Marconi come into th' wurruld, but wan night
th' wealthy heiress come hack fr'm th' parlor an' fell into a
clinch with her mother, an' th' proud father yawned an' wint to
bed. That was all they was to it. No wan assayed young Lotharyo
Hinnissy iv th' sixth ward. If they heard he had twinty-five
dollars, they'd begin f'r to make an allybi ready f'r him. I mind
whin Hogan was goin' to marry Cassidy's daughter. 'I haven't a
cint,' he says. 'Hurry up an' marry thin,' says Cassidy, 'or ye
might have.'
"That's th' way it was in thim good ol' days an', be hivins, I
think that's th' way it is now among th' likes iv us. An' that's
a good thing f'r th' men that own th' rollin' mills. It wudden't
do to take anny chances goin' up an' down Ar-rchey road offerin'
ye'ersilf without th' cash forfeit. Some wan might call ye. But
it's diff'rent among th' best fam'lies. 'Tis far diff'rent. I
read be th' pa-apers in this conthrovarsy, that if a man can't
show down a bank account that wud make Andhrew Carnaygie feel like
goin' back to wurruk, he might as well make up his mind to remain
a gay bachelor till he falls fr'm th' cab f'r th' las' time. Not
f'r him th' joys iv marrid life, th' futman at th' dure tellin'
him his wife has not come home yet, th' prattlin' iv th' tendher
infant as it is rocked to sleep in th' incybator, th' frequent
letthers fr'm abroad askin' him if th' dhraft come. No rayspictible
woman wud have him while he was gettin' th' money an' none ought
to have him afther he's got it.
"Manetime th' price iv mathrimonyal coopon fours goes up till
hardly annywan can think iv entherin' thim. A man believes th'
judge was wrong an' says he, 'I'll niver condimn Mary Josephine
to be a poor man's wife. I'll wait till I get a millyion.' It's
not so hard to get a millyion nowadays if ye pick out th' right
people to get it fr'm, but it takes some time, an' befure th' eager
suitor has landed enough to sit in th' game, he's considherably
past th' age iv consint. Manetime father, too, hasn't been idle.
He's bethrayed a few thrusts himsilf an' put a story or two on
th' house. So whin th' young man comes up wan night an' lays down
his pile an' suggests that th' time has come f'r to hasten th'
glad evint, father says: 'I'm afraid, me boy, that ye're a little
slow. Ye haven't kept pace with th' socyal requiremints. Since
seein' ye last, Mary Josephine has acquired th' use iv a private
yacht an' is slowly mastherin' th' great truth that if ye have a
club suit, ye ought to pass up th' make. A slight oversight some
afthernoon in distinguishin' thrumps an' they wudden't be enough
iv that bundle left to put a rubber band around. No, Mike, I think
a gr-reat deal iv ye, but niver, niver will I consint that a
daughter iv mine shud suffer th' pangs iv poverty.' An' so it goes
through th' years until marredge, Hinnissy, is resthricted to th'
very rich an' th' exthremely poor who're almost all marrid already.
"I don't know mesilf what to think iv it, Hinnissy, an' I don't
know that I ought to worry about it. I haven't noticed anny
reduction in th' number iv marredge licenses day be day. Th'
Kubelowskis an' th' Witsinskis still are exchangin' vows, an' if
they've got more thin twinty-five dollars apiece I'd like to know
where they got it an' notify th' polis. No, sir, th' gloryous ol'
instichooshion iv which I'm as proud as I am shy is here to stay,
an' I'm thinkin' it'll be here whin money becomes extinct. If th'
rich are becomin' richer, th' poor are becomin' more foolish about
these things, an' there's hope in that."
"D'ye ra-ally think a man ought to marry on twinty-five dollars?"
asked Mr. Hennessy.
"If he's that kind iv a man, more money thin that wud be wasted
on him," said Mr. Dooley.