"Where did ye spind th' New Year's?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"I didn't go to th' White House rayciption," said Mr. Hennessy,
pleasantly.
"I see ye didn't," said Mr. Doolcy. "Ye'er ar-rm is not in a
sling. Man an' boy, Hinnissy, I've taken manny a chanst on me
life, but I'd as lave think iv declarin' th' sintimints iv me heart
in an Orange meetin' as dhroppin' in f'r a socyal call at what
Hogan calls th' ixicutive mansion. That is, if I was a govermint
emplyee, which I ain't, havin' been born wrong.
"Th' time was whin a man lost his job an' his heart to th' prisidint
at th' same time. A reproof was administhered to him with chloryform.
He woke up an' rubbed his eyes an' says, 'Where am I?' an' th'
polisman says: 'Ye're in an ash bar'l.' He come fr'm th' White
House with tears in his eyes an' was tol' he was out iv wurruk.
But, Hinnissy, th' prisint occypant iv th' White House is a heartier
person. A reproof fr'm him is th' same thing as a compound fracture.
A wurrud iv caution will lay a man up f'r a week an' a severe
riprimand will sind him through life with a wooden leg.
"There was me frind, Gin'ral Miles. No more gallant sojer iver
dhrew his soord to cut out a patthern f'r a coat thin Gin'ral Miles.
He's hunted th' Apachy, th' Sioux, th' Arapahoo, th' Comanchee, th'
Congressman an' other savages iv th' plain; he's faced death an'
promotion in ivry form, an' no harm come to him till he wint up th'
White House stairs or maybe 'twas till he come down. Annyhow,
Gin'ral Miles was pursooin' th' thrue coorse iv a nachral warryor
an' enlightenin' th' wurruld on th' things he happened to think
iv. 'Tis what is ixpicted iv him. If ye don't read him ye don't
know what's goin' on in th' wurruld. Ivry Sundah I pick up me
pa-aper an' hurry through th' articles on what's a suitable Christmas
gift f'r th' hired girl who'll pizen th' soup if she gets three
yards iv calico, be Winnyfield Scott Schley, an' what ought to be
done f'r th' Chinee, be Cap. Mahan, an' get down to what Gin'ral
Miles thinks. 'Tis always good an' full iv meaty advice. 'Is
Mars inhabited?' 'Th' future iv th' Columbya river salmon,' 'Is
white lead good f'r th' complexion?' 'What wud I do if I had a
millyion dollars an' it was so,' 'England's supreemacy in Cochin
China,' 'Pink gaiters as a necissity iv warfare,' 'Is th' Impire
shouldhers goin' out?' 'Waist measurements iv warriors I have met,'
an' so on. Gin'ral Miles is th' on'y in-an'-out, up an' down,
catch-as-catch-can, white, red or black, with or without, journylist
we have left. On anny subject fr'm stove polish to sun worship,
I'd take th' wurrud iv me frind Gin'ral Miles befure th' man that
made th' goods.
"'Twas that got him into throuble. Wan day afther inspictin' th'
army, Gin'ral Miles give a chat to wan iv his fav'rite journals on
what he thought about th' navy, him bein' a great authority on
navy affairs befure steam come in. I don't know what th' divvle
he said an' I don't care, f'r me mind was made up long ago, an'
ivrybody that don't agree with me is little betther thin a thraitor
or a cow'rd. But annyhow he give his opinyion, an' afther givin'
it he took his bonnet out, had a goold beater in to fix up th'
epylets, got th' ilicthric lights goin' in th' buttons, found th'
right pair iv blue an' pink pants, pulled on th' shoes with th'
silver bells, harnessed to his manly hips th' soord with the
forget-me-nots on th' handle an' pranced over to th' White House.
As he wint up th' hall, he noticed an atmosphere iv what Hogan
calls cold hatoor, f'r wan iv th' durekeepers said th' prisidint
wasn't home an' another lightly kicked him as he passed, but like
a sojer he wint on to th' East room where Mr. Rosenfelt, th'
pa-apers tells me, shtud in front iv th' fireplace, nervously
pluckin' Sicrety Gage be th' beard. 'I've come,' says Gin'ral
Miles, 'to pay me rayspicts to th' head iv th' naytion.' 'Thank
ye,' says th' prisidint, 'I'll do th' same f'r th' head iv th'
army,' he says, bouncin' a coal scuttle on th' vethran's helmet.
'Gin'ral, I don't like ye'er recent conduct,' he says, sindin'
th' right to th' pint iv th' jaw. 'Ye've been in th' army forty
year,' he says, pushin' his head into th' grate, 'an' ye shud know
that an officer who criticizes his fellow officers, save in th'
reg'lar way, that is to say in a round robin, is guilty iv I
dinnaw what,' he says, feedin' him with his soord. 'I am foorced
to administher ye a severe reproof,' he says. 'Is that what this
is?' says Gin'ral Miles. 'It is,' says th' prisidint. 'I thought
it was capital punishnmint,' says Gin'ral Miles as he wint out
through th' window pursooed be a chandelier. His nex' article
will be entitled 'Hospital Sketches,' an' I undhershtand he's
dictatin' a few remarks to his nurse on providin' atthractive suits
iv steel plate f'r gin'rals in th' army.
"Well, sir, they'll be gr-reat times down there f'r a few years.
A movement is on foot f'r to establish an emergency hospital f'r
office holders an' politicians acrost th' sthreet fr'm th' White
House where they can be threated f'r infractions iv th' Civil
Sarvice law followed be pers'nal injuries. I'll be watchin' th'
pa-apers ivry mornin'. 'Rayciption at th' White House. Among th'
casulties was so-an'-so. Th' prisidint was in a happy mood. He
administhered a stingin' rebuke to th' Chief Justice iv th' Supreme
Coort, a left hook to eye. Sinitor Hanna was prisint walkin' with
a stick. Th' prisidint approached him gaily an' asked him about
his leg. "'Tis gettin' betther," says th' sinitor. "That's good,"
says th' prisidint. "Come again whin it is entirely well an' we'll
talk over that appointment," he says. Th' afthernoon was enlivened
be th' appearance iv a Southern Congressman askin' f'r a foorth-class
post-office. Th' prisidint hardly missed him be more thin a foot
at th' gate, but th' Congressman bein' formerly wan iv Mosby's
guerillas escaped, to th' gr-reat chagrin iv Mr. Rosenfelt, who
remarked on his return that life at th' White House was very
confinin'. "I will niver be able to enfoorce th' civil sarvice
law till I take more exercise," he said heartily. Th' ambulance
was at th' dure promptly at five, but no important business havin'
been thransacted nearly all th' cabinet was able to walk to their
homes.'
"Yes, sir, 'twill be grand an' I'm goin' to injye it. F'r th'
first time since I've been at it, Ar-rchey road methods has been
inthrajooced in naytional polliticks. I knew th' time wud come,
Hinnissy. 'Tis th' on'y way. Ye may talk about it as much as ye
want, but govermint, me boy, is a case iv me makin' ye do what I
want an' if I can't do it with a song, I'll do it with a shovel.
Th' ir'n hand in th' velvet glove, th' horseshoe in th' boxin'
mit, th' quick right, an' th' heavy boot, that was th' way we r-run
polliticks when I was captain iv me precinct."
"But ye niver was prisidint," said Mr. Hennessy.
"I always had too soft a spot f'r age," said Mr. Dooley; "an' 'tis
th' aged that does up us young fellows. An' annyhow I done betther."