"Well, I see Congress has got to wurruk again," said Mr. Dooley.
"The Lord save us fr'm harm," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Yes, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "Congress has got to wurruk again,
an' manny things that seems important to a Congressman 'll be
brought up befure thim. 'Tis sthrange that what's a big thing to
a man in Wash'nton, Hinnissy, don't seem much account to me.
Divvle a bit do I care whether they dig th' Nicaragoon Canal or
cross th' Isthmus in a balloon; or whether th' Monroe docthrine
is enfoorced or whether it ain't; or whether th' thrusts is abolished
as Teddy Rosenfelt wud like to have thim or encouraged to go on
with their neefaryous but magnificent entherprises as th' Prisidint
wud like; or whether th' water is poured into th' ditches to reclaim
th' arid lands iv th' West or th' money f'r thim to fertilize th'
arid pocket-books iv th' conthractors; or whether th' Injun is
threated like a depindant an' miserable thribesman or like a free
an' indepindant dog; or whether we restore th' merchant marine to
th' ocean or whether we lave it to restore itsilf. None iv these
here questions inthrests me, an' be me I mane you an' be you I
mane ivrybody. What we want to know is, ar-re we goin' to have
coal enough in th' hod whin th' cold snap comes; will th' plumbin'
hold out, an' will th' job last.
"But they'se wan question that Congress is goin' to take up that
you an' me are intherested in. As a pilgrim father that missed
th' first boats, I must raise me claryon voice again' th' invasion
iv this fair land be th' paupers an' arnychists iv effete Europe.
Ye bet I must--because I'm here first. 'Twas diff'rent whin I
was dashed high on th' stern an' rockbound coast. In thim days
America was th' refuge iv th' oppressed iv all th' wurruld. They
cud come over here an' do a good job iv oppressin' thimsilves.
As I told ye I come a little late. Th' Rosenfelts an' th' Lodges
bate me be at laste a boat lenth, an' be th' time I got here they
was stern an' rockbound thimsilves. So I got a gloryous rayciption
as soon as I was towed off th' rocks. Th' stars an' sthripes
whispered a welcome in th' breeze an' a shovel was thrust into me
hand an' I was pushed into a sthreet excyvatin' as though I'd been
born here. Th' pilgrim father who bossed th' job was a fine ol'
puritan be th' name iv Doherty, who come over in th' Mayflower
about th' time iv th' potato rot in Wexford, an' he made me think
they was a hole in th' breakwather iv th' haven iv refuge an' some
iv th' wash iv th' seas iv opprission had got through. He was a
stern an' rockbound la-ad himsilf, but I was a good hand at loose
stones an' wan day--but I'll tell ye about that another time.
"Annyhow, I was rayceived with open arms that sometimes ended in
a clinch. I was afraid I wasn't goin' to assimilate with th'
airlyer pilgrim fathers an' th' instichoochions iv th' counthry,
but I soon found that a long swing iv th' pick made me as good
as another man an' it didn't require a gr-reat intellect, or
sometimes anny at all, to vote th' dimmycrat ticket, an' befure
I was here a month, I felt enough like a native born American to
burn a witch. Wanst in a while a mob iv intilligint collajeens,
whose grandfathers had bate me to th' dock, wud take a shy at me
Pathrick's Day procission or burn down wan iv me churches, but
they got tired iv that befure long; 'twas too much like wurruk.
"But as I tell ye, Hinnissy, 'tis diff'rent now. I don't know why
'tis diff'rent but 'tis diff'rent. 'Tis time we put our back
again' th' open dure an' keep out th' savage horde. If that cousin
iv ye'ers expects to cross, he'd betther tear f'r th' ship. In a
few minyits th' gates 'll be down an' whin th' oppressed wurruld
comes hikin' acrost to th' haven iv refuge, they'll do well to put
a couplin' pin undher their hats, f'r th' Goddess iv Liberty 'll
meet thim at th' dock with an axe in her hand. Congress is goin'
to fix it. Me frind Shaughnessy says so. He was in yisterdah an'
says he: ''Tis time we done something to make th' immigration laws
sthronger,' says he. 'Thrue f'r ye, Miles Standish,' says I; 'but
what wud ye do?' 'I'd keep out th' offscourin's iv Europe,' says
he. 'Wud ye go back?' says I. 'Have ye'er joke,' says he. ''Tis
not so seeryus as it was befure ye come,' says I. 'But what ar-re
th' immygrants doin' that's roonous to us?' I says.
'Well,' says he, 'they're arnychists,' he says; 'they don't
assymilate with th' counthry,' he says. 'Maybe th' counthry's
digestion has gone wrong fr'm too much rich food,' says I; 'perhaps
now if we'd lave off thryin' to digest Rockyfellar an' thry a
simple diet like Schwartzmeister, we wudden't feel th' effects iv
our vittels,' I says. 'Maybe if we'd season th' immygrants a
little or cook thim thurly, they'd go down betther,' I says.
"'They're arnychists, like Parsons,' he says. 'He wud've been an
immygrant if Texas hadn't been admitted to th' Union,' I says.
'Or Snolgosh,' he says. 'Has Mitchigan seceded?' I says. 'Or
Gittoo,' he says. 'Who come fr'm th' effete monarchies iv Chicago,
west iv Ashland Av'noo,' I says. 'Or what's-his-name, Wilkes
Booth,' he says. 'I don't know what he was--maybe a Boolgharyen,'
says I. 'Well, annyhow,' says he, 'they're th' scum iv th' earth.'
'They may be that,' says I; 'but we used to think they was th'
cream iv civilization,' I says. 'They're off th' top annyhow. I
wanst believed 'twas th' best men iv Europe come here, th' la-ads
that was too sthrong and indepindant to be kicked around be a
boorgomasther at home an' wanted to dig out f'r a place where they
cud get a chanst to make their way to th' money. I see their sons
fightin' into politics an' their daughters tachin' young American
idee how to shoot too high in th' public school, an' I thought
they was all right. But I see I was wrong. Thim boys out there
towin' wan heavy foot afther th' other to th' rowlin' mills is all
arnychists. There's warrants out f'r all names endin' in 'inski,
an' I think I'll board up me windows, f'r,' I says, 'if immygrants
is as dangerous to this counthry as ye an' I an' other pilgrim
fathers believe they are, they'se enough iv thim sneaked in already
to make us aborigines about as infloointial as the prohibition
vote in th' Twinty-ninth Ward. They'll dash again' our stern an'
rock-bound coast till they bust it,' says I.
"'But I ain't so much afraid as ye ar-re. I'm not afraid iv me
father an' I'm not afraid iv mesilf. An' I'm not afraid iv
Schwartzmeister's father or Hinnery Cabin Lodge's grandfather.
We all come over th' same way, an' if me ancestors were not what
Hogan calls rigicides, 'twas not because they were not ready an'
willin', on'y a king niver come their way. I don't believe in
killin' kings, mesilf. I niver wud've sawed th' block off that
curly-headed potintate that I see in th' pitchers down town, but,
be hivins, Presarved Codfish Shaughnessy, if we'd begun a few years
ago shuttin' out folks that wudden't mind handin' a bomb to a king,
they wudden't be enough people in Mattsachoosetts to make a quorum
f'r th' Anti-Impeeryal S'ciety,' says I. 'But what wud ye do with
th' offscourin' iv Europe?' says he. 'I'd scour thim some more,'
says I.
"An' so th' meetin' iv th' Plymouth Rock Assocyation come to an
end. But if ye wud like to get it together, Deacon Hinnissy, to
discuss th' immygration question, I'll sind out a hurry call f'r
Schwartzmeister an' Mulcahey an' Ignacio Sbarbaro an' Nels Larsen
an' Petrus Gooldvink, an' we 'll gather to-night at Fanneilnoviski
Hall at th' corner iv Sheridan an' Sigel sthreets. All th' pilgrim
fathers is rayquested f'r to bring interpreters."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "divvle th' bit I care, on'y I'm here
first, an' I ought to have th' right to keep th' bus fr'm bein'
overcrowded."
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "as a pilgrim father on me gran' nephew's
side, I don't know but ye're right. An' they'se wan sure way to
keep thim out."
"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Teach thim all about our instichoochions befure they come," said
Mr. Dooley.