"Dorsey an' Dugan are havin' throuble," said Mr. Hennessy.
"What about?" asked Mr. Dooley.
"Dorsey," said Mr. Hennessy, "says Dugan stole his dog. They had
a party at Dorsey's an' Dorsey heerd a noise in th' back yard an'
wint out an' see Dugan makin' off with his bull tarryer."
"Ye say he see him do it?"
"Yis, he see him do it."
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'twud baffle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock
Holmes."
"Who's Sherlock Holmes?"
"He's th' gr-reatest detictive that iver was in a story book.
I've been r-readin' about him an' if I was a criminal, which I wud
be if I had to wurruk f'r a livin', an' Sherlock Holmes got afther
me, I'd go sthraight to th' station an' give mesilf up. I'd lay
th' goods on th' desk an' say: 'Sargeant, put me down in th' hard
cage. Sherlock Holmes has jus' see a man go by in a cab with a
Newfoundland dog an' he knows I took th' spoons.' Ye see, he ain't
th' ordh'nry fly cop like Mulcahy that always runs in th' Schmidt
boy f'r ivry crime rayported fr'm stealin' a ham to forgin' a check
in th' full knowledge that some day he'll get him f'r th' right
thing. No, sir; he's an injanyous man that can put two an' two
together an' make eight iv thim. He applies his brain to crime,
d'ye mind, an' divvle th' crime, no matther how cunnin' it is,
will escape him. We'll suppose, Hinnissy, that I'm Sherlock Holmes.
I'm settin' here in me little parlor wearin' a dhressin' gown an'
now an' thin pokin' mesilf full iv morpheen. Here we are. Ye come
in. 'Good-mornin', Watson.'"
"I ain't Watson," said Mr. Hennessy. "I'm Hinnissy."
"Ah," said Mr. Dooley; "I thought I'd wring it fr'm ye. Perhaps
ye'd like to know how I guessed ye had come in. 'Tis very simple.
On'y a matther iv observation. I heerd ye'er step; I seen ye'er
refliction in th' lookin' glass; ye spoke to me. I put these
things together with me thrained faculty f'r observation an'
deduction, d'ye mind. Says I to mesilf: 'This must be Hinnissy.'
But mind ye, th' chain iv circumstances is not complete. It might
be some wan disguised as ye. So says I to mesilf: 'I will throw
this newcome, whoiver he is, off his guard, be callin' him be a
sthrange name!' Ye wudden't feel complimented, Hinnissy, if ye
knew who Watson is. Watson knows even less than ye do. He don't
know annything, an' annything he knows is wrong. He has to look
up his name in th' parish raygisther befure he can speak to himsilf.
He's a gr-reat frind iv Sherlock Holmes an' if Sherlock Holmes
iver loses him, he'll find him in th' nearest asylum f'r th'
feeble-minded. But I surprised ye'er secret out iv ye. Thrown
off ye'er guard be me innocent question, ye popped out 'I'm
Hinnissy,' an' in a flash I guessed who ye were. Be th' same
process iv raisonin' be deduction, I can tell ye that ye were home
las' night in bed, that ye're on ye'er way to wurruk, an' that
ye'er salary is two dollars a day. I know ye were at home las'
night because ye ar-re always at home between iliven an' sivin,
bar Pathrick's night, an' ye'er wife hasn't been in lookin' f'r
ye. I know ye're on ye'er way to wurruk because I heerd ye'er
dinner pail jingle as ye stepped softly in. I know ye get two
dollars a day because ye tol' me ye get three an' I deducted
thirty-three an' wan third per cint f'r poetic license. 'Tis very
simple. Ar-re those shoes ye have on ye'er feet? Be hivins, I
thought so."
"Simple," said Mr. Hennessy, scornfully; "'tis foolish."
"Niver mind," said Mr. Dooley. "Pass th' dope, Watson. Now bein'
full iv th' cillybrated Chow Sooey brand, I addhress me keen mind
to th' discussion iv th' case iv Dorsey's dog. Watson, look out
iv th' window an' see if that's a cab goin' by ringin' a gong. A
throlley car? So much th' betther. Me observation tol' me it was
not a balloon or a comet or a reindeer. Ye ar-re a gr-reat help
to me, Watson. Pass th' dope. Was there a dog on th' car? No?
That simplifies th' thing. I had an idee th' dog might have gone
to wurruk. He was a bull-tarryer, ye say. D'ye know annything
about his parents? Be Mulligan's Sloppy Weather out iv O'Hannigan's
Diana iv th' Slough? Iv coorse. Was ayether iv thim seen in th'
neighborhood th' night iv th' plant? No? Thin it is not, as manny
might suppose, a case iv abduction. What were th' habits iv
Dorsey's coyote? Was he a dog that dhrank? Did he go out iv nights?
Was he payin' anny particular attintions to anny iv th' neighbors?
Was he baffled in love? Ar-re his accounts sthraight? Had Dorsey
said annything to him that wud 've made him despondent? Ye say no.
He led a dog's life but seemed to be happy. Thin 'tis plainly not
a case iv suicide.
"I'm gettin' up close to th' criminals. Another shot iv th' mad
mixture. Wait till I can find a place in th' ar-rm. There ye
ar-re. Well, Watson, what d'ye make iv it?"
"If ye mane me, Dugan stole th' dog."
"Not so fast," said Mr. Dooley. "Like all men iv small minds ye
make ye'ers up readily. Th' smaller th' mind, th' aisier 'tis
made up. Ye'ers is like a blanket on th' flure befure th' fire.
All ye have to do to make it up is to lave it. Mine is like a
large double bed, an' afther I've been tossin' in it, 'tis no aisy
job to make it up. I will puncture me tire with th' fav'rite
flower iv Chinnytown an' go on. We know now that th' dog did not
elope, that he didn't commit suicide an' that he was not kidnaped
be his rayturnin' parents. So far so good. Now I'll tell ye who
stole th' dog. Yisterdah afthernoon I see a suspicious lookin'
man goin' down th' sthreet. I say he was suspicious lookin' because
he was not disguised an' looked ivry wan in th' face. He had no
dog with him. A damning circumstance, Watson, because whin he'd
stolen th' dog he niver wud 've taken it down near Dorsey's house.
Ye wudden't notice these facts because ye'er mind while feeble
is unthrained. His coat collar was turned up an' he was whistlin'
to himsilf, a habit iv dog fanciers. As he wint be Hogan's house
he did not look around or change his gait or otherwise do annything
that wud indicate to an unthrained mind that there was annything
wrong, facts in thimsilves that proved to me cultivated intilligence
that he was guilty. I followed him in me mind's eye to his home
an' there chained to th' bed leg is Dorsey's dog. Th' name iv th'
criminal is P. X. O'Hannigan, an' he lives at twinty-wan hundhred
an' ninety-nine South Halsted sthreet, top flat, rear, a plumber
be pro-fission. Officer, arrest that man!
"That's all right," said Mr. Hennessy; "but Dugan rayturned th'
dog las' night."
"Oh, thin," said Mr. Dooley, calmly, "this is not a case f'r
Sherlock Holmes but wan f'r th' polis. That's th' throuble,
Hinnissy, with th' detictive iv th' story. Nawthin' happens in
rale life that's complicated enough f'r him. If th' Prisidint iv
th' Epworth League was a safe-blower be night th' man that'd catch
him'd be a la-ad with gr-reat powers iv observation an' thrained
habits iv raisonin'. But crime, Hinnissy, is a pursoot iv th'
simple minded--that is, catchable crime is a pursoot iv th'
simple-minded. Th' other kind, th' uncatchable kind that is took
up be men iv intellict is called high fi-nance. I've known manny
criminals in me time, an' some iv thim was fine men an' very happy
in their home life, an' a more simple, pasth'ral people ye niver
knew. Wan iv th' ablest bank robbers in th' counthry used to live
near me--he ownded a flat buildin'--an' befure he'd turn in to bed
afther rayturnin' fr'm his night's wurruk, he'd go out in th' shed
an' chop th' wood. He always wint into th' house through a thransom
f'r fear iv wakin' his wife who was a delicate woman an' a shop
lifter. As I tell ye he was a man without guile, an' he wint about
his jooties as modestly as ye go about ye'ers. I don't think in
th' long run he made much more thin ye do. Wanst in a while, he'd
get hold iv a good bunch iv money, but manny other times afther
dhrillin' all night through a steel dure, all he'd find 'd be a
short crisp note fr'm th' prisidint iv th' bank. He was often
discouraged, an' he tol' me wanst if he had an income iv forty
dollars th' month, he'd retire fr'm business an' settle down on
a farm.
"No, sir, criminals is th' simplest crathers in th' wide wide
wurruld--innocent, sthraight-forward, dangerous people, that haven't
sinse enough to be honest or prosperous. Th' extint iv their
schamin' is to break a lock on a dure or sweep a handful iv change
fr'm a counter or dhrill a hole in a safe or administher th' strong
short arm to a tired man takin' home his load. There are no
mysteryous crimes excipt thim that happens to be. Th' ordh'nry
crook, Hinnissy, goes around ringin' a bell an' disthributin'
hand-bills announcin' his business. He always breaks through a
window instead iv goin' through an open dure, an' afther he's done
annything that he thinks is commindable, he goes to a neighborin'
liquor saloon, stands on th' pool table an' confides th' secret
to ivrybody within sound iv his voice. That's why Mulligan is a
betther detictive thin Sherlock Holmes or me. He can't put two
an' two together an' he has no powers iv deduction, but he's a
hard dhrinker an' a fine sleuth. Sherlock Holmes niver wud've
caught that frind iv mine. Whin th' safe iv th' Ninth Rational
Bank was blowed, he wud've put two an' two together an' arristed
me. But me frind wint away lavin' a hat an' a pair iv cuffs marked
with his name in th' safe, an' th' polis combined these discoveries
with th' well-known fact that Muggins was a notoryous safe blower
an' they took him in. They found him down th' sthreet thryin' to
sell a bushel basket full iv Alley L stock. I told ye he was a
simple man. He ralized his ambition f'r an agaracoolchral life.
They give him th' care iv th' cows at Joliet."
"Did he rayform?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"No," said Mr. Dooley; "he escaped. An' th' way he got out wud
baffle th' injinooty iv a Sherlock Holmes."
"How did he do it?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"He climbed over th' wall," said Mr. Dooley.