"If I had me job to pick out," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd be a judge.
I've looked over all th' others an' that's th' on'y wan that suits.
I have th' judicyal timperamint. I hate wurruk.
"Ivrybody else is pushed an' hurrid in this tumulchuse age. Th'
business man has to get to th' bank befure it closes an' th' banker
has to get there befure th' business man escapes, an' th' high-priced
actor has to kill off more gradyates iv th' school iv actin' thin
iver he did, an' th' night editions iv th' pa-apers comes out
arlier ivry mornin'. All is rush an' worry. Kings an' imprors
duck about their jooties like bell-hops, th' pampered son iv luxury
at Newport is thryin' f'r a mile a minyit in his autymobill an'
th' on'y leisure class left in th' wurruld is th' judicyary. Mind
ye, Hinnissy, I'm not sayin' annything again' thim. I won't dhrag
th' joodicyal ermine in th' mud though I haven't noticed that manny
iv thim lift it immodestly whin they takes th' pollytical crossing.
I have th' high rayspict f'r th' job that's th' alternative iv
sixty days in jail. Besides, me boy, I invy thim.
"Somewhere a la-ad hits somewan on th' head with an axe or sinds
him a bunch iv proosic acid done up to look like candy. Maybe he
does an' maybe he don't; but annyhow that's what he's lagged f'r.
Th' polis are in a hurry to get to th' pool-room befure th' flag
falls in th' first race an' they carry th' case to th' gran' jury;
th' gran' jury indicts him without a thought or a suspicion iv ax
har-rd feelin', th' judge takes his breakfast on th' bench to be
there in time an' charges th' jury to be fair but not to f'rget
th' man done it, an' th' jury rayturns a verdict iv guilty with
three cheers an' a tiger. Th' pris'ner has hardly time to grab
up his hat befure he 's hauled off to his funeral obsequies, an'
th' onprejudiced public feels happy about it. I don't believe in
capital punishmint, Hinnissy, but 'twill niver be abolished while
th' people injye it so much. They 're jus' squarin' thimsilves
f'r th' rayvoltin' details whin wurrud comes that Judge Tamarack
iv Opolis has granted a stay iv proceedin's. Stays iv pro-ceedin's
is devices, Hinnissy, be which th' high coorts keep in form. 'Tis
a lagal joke. I med it up. Says Judge Tamarack: 'I know very
little about this ease excipt what I've been tol' be th' larned
counsel f'r th' dayfinse, an' I don't believe that, but I agree
with Lord Coke in th' maxim that th' more haste th' less sleep.
Therefore to all sheriffs, greetin': Fen jarrin' th' pris'ner till
ye hear fr'm us.'
"So th' pris'ner waits an' dhreams he 's a lightnin' rod an' th'
public waits an' ivrybody waits. Th' high coort is busy in its
way. Ivry two or three years it is discovered takin' a nap at a
county seat in th' corn belt, an' it hands down a decision f'r th'
defindant in a case f'r damages growin' out iv th' Shay rebillion.
Then it dhrops off again. Th' judge that thried th' case retires
to a well-arned job with a railrood comp'ny, th' jury has ceased
to look f'r their pitchers in th' pa-apers an' th' insurance
comp'nies insure young Cyanide's life f'r the lowest known premyum.
Occasionally a judge iv th' coort iv appeals walkin' in his sleep
meets another judge, an' they discuss matthers. 'How ar-re ye
gettin' on with th' Cyanide case, judge?' 'I'm makin' fair headway,
judge. I r-read part iv th' vardict iv th' coroner's jury las'
year an' nex' month whin th' fishin' is over, I expict to look
into th' indictment. 'Tis a puzzlin' case. Th' man is not guilty.'
'Well, good bye, judge; I'll see ye in a year or two. Lave me
know how ye're gettin' on. Pleasant dhreams!' An' so they part.
Th' higher up a coort is, th' less they see iv each other. Their
office hours are fr'm a quarther to wan leap years. Ye take a
lively lawyer that's wurruked twinty hours a day suin' sthrect
railrood comp'nies an' boost him onto a high coort an' he can't
think out iv a hammock. Th' more exalted what Hogan calls th'
joodicyal station, th' more it's like a dormitory. Th' years rowl
by an' th' tillygraft op'rator that's been expictin' to sind a
rush tillygram through young Cyanide sees his ohms an' his volts
mouldin' an' no wurrud comes fr'm th' coort iv appeals but th'
murmur iv th' chief justice discussin' th' nullification theery.
But wan day, th' decision is wafted down. 'Th' coort finds,' it
says, 'that th' vardict was conthry to th' law an' th' ividince.
We seen this fr'm th' first. It's as plain as th' nose on ye'er
face. Th' judge was prejudiced an' th' jury was ignorant. Th'
ividince wasn't sufficient to hang a cat. We revarse th' decision
an' ordher a new thrile that full justice may be done. We cannot
help remarkin' at this time on th' croolty iv subjectin' this
unforchnit man to all these years iv torture an' imprisonment with
a case again' him which we see at a glance durin' th' Mexican war
cud not shtand th' test iv th' law.'
"But whin th' decision is carried to th' pris'ner, th' warden says
'Who?' 'P. Cyanide,' says th' clark iv th' coort. 'He's not here,'
says th' warden. 'On consultin' me books, I find a man iv that
name left in th' year sivinty-wan.' 'Did he escape?' 'In a sinse.
He's dead.'
"So, Hinnissy, I'd like to be a judge iv a high coort, dhreamin'
th' happy hours away. No hurry, no sthrivin' afther immejet
raysults, no sprintin', no wan hollenin' 'Dooley J. hurry up with
that ne exeat,' or 'Dooley, hand down that opinyion befure th'
batthry gives out.' 'Tis th' thrue life iv aise an' gintlemanly
comfort. 'Tis wait till th' clouds rowl by; 'tis time was meant
for slaves; 'tis a long life an' a happy wan. Like th' Shamrock
II, th' coort acts well in stays but can't run befure th' wind.
A jury is f'r hangin' ivry man, but th' high coort says: 'Ye must
die, but take ye'er time about it an' go out th' way ye like.' If
I wanted to keep me money so that me gran'childher might get it
f'r their ol' age, I'd appeal it to th' supreme coort. Oh, th'
fine judge I'd make, f'r I can sleep annywhere, an' I'm niver
impatient f'r annywan to get his jooes."
"I don't see," said Mr. Hennessy, "why they have anny juries. Why
don't they thry ivry man before th' supreme coort an' have done
with it?"
"I have a betther way than that," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see they'e
wurrukin' on time now. I wondher if they wudden't sthep livelier
if they were paid be th' piece."