"Be hivins," said Mr. Dooley, "I wisht I'd been there."
"Where?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"At th' bankit iv th' Ancyent an' Hon'rable Chamber iv Commerce
in New York," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis a hard fate that compels me
to live out here on th' prairies among th' aborig'nal Americans
fr'm Poland an' Bohaymya. Me heart at times is burstin' f'r to
jine in th' festivities iv me fellow Britons in New York. F'r I'm
a British subjick, Hinnissy. I wasn't born wan. I was born in
Ireland. But I have a little money put away, an' ivry American
that has larned to make wan dollar sthick to another is ex-officio,
as Hogan says, a British subjick. We've adopted a foster father.
Some iv us ain't anny too kind to th' ol' gintleman. In th'
matther iv th' Nicaragoon Canal we have recently pushed him over
an' took about all he had. But our hearts feels th' love iv th'
parent counthry, though our hands is rebellyous, an' ivry year me
fellow-merchants gets together in New York an' f'rgets th' cares
iv th' wool an' tallow business in an outburst iv devotion to th'
ol' land fr'm which our fathers sprung or was sprung be th'
authorities.
"Th' prisidint iv th' bankit was me frind Morse K. Cheeseshop a
mimber iv an ol' Yorkshire fam'ly born in th' West Riding iv Long
Island befure th' Crimeyan War. At his right sat th' Sicrety iv
state f'r th' colony, an' at his left me frind th' ambassadure to
th' Coort iv Saint James. Why we shud sind an ambassadure I don't
know, though it may be an ol' custom kept up f'r to plaze th'
people iv Omaha. He's a good man, th' ambassadure, who is
inthrajoocin' th' American joke in England. Hogan says th'
diff'rence between an American joke an' an English joke is th'
place to laugh. In an American joke ye laugh just afther th' point
if at all, but in an English joke ye laugh ayether befure th'
point or afther th' decease iv th' joker. Th' ambassadure hopes
to inthrajooce a cross iv th' two that ye don't laugh at at all
that will be suited to th' English market. His expeeriments so
far has been encouragin'.
"At th' conclusion iv th' eatin' th' chairman, Sir Morse Cheeseshop
inthrajooced th' sicrety iv state in a few well chosen wurruds.
'Fellow Colonists,' says he, 'I desire to presint His Majesty's
ripresentative in this counthry who is doin' more thin anny other
man in th' plastherin' business,' he says. 'Owin',' he says, 'to
mimbers iv th' Sinit lavin' a hod iv bricks fall on his head
recently, he has not been able to do much on th' job,' he says.
'But he has brought his throwel and morthar here to-night an' if
ye will kindly lave off singing' "Brittanya rules th' prosperity
wave" f'r a minyit he'll give ye an exhibition iv how he wurruks.
Me Lords an' gintlemen, th' sicrety iv state:'
"'Fellow subjicks,' says th' sicrety iv state, 'diplomacy is far
diff'rent business thin it used to be. (A voice, 'Good f'r you.')
In th' days iv Bismarck, Gladstun an' Charles Francis Adams 'twas
a case iv inthrigue an' deceit. Now it is as simple as a pair iv
boots. In fifteen years th' whole nature iv man is so changed that
a diplomat has on'y to be honest, straight-forward an' manly an'
concede ivrything an' he will find his opponents will meet him
half way an' take what he gives. Unforchunitly diplomacy on'y
goes as far as the dure. It is onable to give protection to th'
customer, so whin he laves th' shop th' sthrong arm men iv th'
Sinit knocks him down an' takes fr'm him ivrything he got inside
an' more too. Di-plomacy has become a philanthropic pursoot like
shop-keepin', but politics, me lords, is still th' same ol' spoort
iv highway robb'ry. But I done what I cud to protict th' intherests
iv th' mother, father an' brother-in-law counthry, an' between
you an' me if I don't desarve th' Victorya cross f'r presintin'
that threaty to th' Sinit nobody does. I will on'y say that
hinceforth th' policy iv this gover'mint will be as befure not to
bully a sthrong power or wrong a weak, but will remain thrue to
th' principle iv wrongin' th' sthrong an' bullyin' th' weak.'
"Th' sicrety iv state was followed be th' ambassadure. 'I wish
to tell ye,' said he, 'what a good time I had in England. Befure
I wint there I was sthrongly prejudiced again' England. I thought
it was th' noblest counthry on which, as Dan'l Webster says, th'
sun niver set without hatchin' out a new colony. But I did it a
great injustice. It is betther thin what I thought. It does not
care f'r chaff or gush such as goes down in this counthry. All an
English gintleman demands is that ye shall be ye'ersilf, frank,
manly an' sincere. A little cry on th' shouldher, a firm grasp
iv th' hand, a brief acknowledgment that we owe our language an'
are payin' it back, our lithrachoor an' our boots to him, an' his
heart opens. He cannot conceal his admiration f'r ye. He goes
away. Ah, niver will I f'rget th' day I peeked out iv me bed-room
window at Windsor Castle an' see manny iv th' sturdy lielists here
befure me bein' received in th' back yard be th' king. I mind
well th' wurruds that fell fr'm his lips whin ye left to take lunch
in th' rile woodshed. "Chote," he says, "thim were a fine lot iv
Americans," he says. "What thribe did ye say they belonged to?
Soos?" he says.'
"So th' avenin' proceeded until it was time to go home, whin th'
chairman proposed th' customary toast. 'Me lords an' gintlemen,
charge ye'er glasses an' jine me in a toast,' he says. 'His majesty
Edward th' Sivinth, iv Gr-reat Britain an' possibly Ireland, iv
Inja, Egypt, iv Austhralya, iv South Africa in a sinse, an' iv th'
Dominions beyant th' sea, includin' New York, King, Definder iv
th' Faith. I hope I got it all in.' 'Ye did,' said th' ambassadure.
An' th' toast was dhrunk with enthusyasm. Other toasts was dhrunk
to th' rile fam'ly an' th' Protestant Succession, to th' Jook iv
Argyle who used to own Andhrew Carnaygie, an' in manny cases th'
rile merchants carrid th' glasses away in their pockets. Jus' as
th' comp'ny was breakin' up a man whose gaiters creaked rose an'
said: 'Isn't there wan more toast?' 'Good hivins have I f'rgotten
somewan?' said Lord Cheeseshop. 'That was all there was in th'
book. Who d'ye mane?' he says. 'I mane th' prisidint iv th'
United States,' says th' man, who comes fr'm Baraboo. 'Oh him,'
says th' chairman in a relieved tone. 'Well, annywan that wants
to can dhrink his health at th' bar,' he says.
"As th' comp'ny filed out a band was playin' in th' adjinin' room
where they was a meetin' iv th' Amalgamated Stove-polish men fr'm
th' neighborhood iv Terry Hut. 'What's that outlandish chune?'
says Lord Cheeseshop. ''Tis th' naytional air, west iv Hoboken,'
says th' man fr'm Baraboo. 'What's it called?' says Lord Cheeseshop.
'Th' Star Spangled Banner,' says th' man. 'Well,' says Lord
Cheeseshop, ''tis very intherestin',' he says. ''Tis th' on'y
Indyan music I iver heerd,' he says."
"Ah well," said Mr. Hennessy, "who cares?"
"Faith I think ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "A man will swallow
annything with a dinner. What is good f'r what Hogan calls th'
iliminthry canal has nawthin' to do with th' Nicaragoon Canal an'
I'd be more afraid iv Lord Cheeseshop if he thought th' toast an'
didn't say it. Our Anglo-Saxon relations is always a give-away--on
some wan."