"Hogan tells me that wan iv th' first things man done afther he'd
larned to kill his neighborin' animals, an' make a meal iv wan
part iv thim an' a vest iv another, was to begin to mannyfacther
lithrachoor, an' it's been goin' on up to th' prisint day. Thim
was times that th' Lord niver heerd about, but is as well known
to manny a la-ad in th' univarsity iv southren Injyanny as if th'
histhry iv thim was printed on a poster. Hogan says a pro-fissor
with a shovel an' a bad bringin'-up can go out annywhere along th'
dhrainage-canal an' prove to ye that th' Bible is no more thin an
exthry avenin' edition iv th' histhry iv th' wurruld, an' th' Noah
fam'ly was considhered new arrivals in th' neighborhood where they
lived. He says he'll show ye th' earth as though 't was a section
iv a layer-cake or an archytect's dhrawin' iv a flat-buildin', an'
p'int out how 't was accumylated.
"First 't was a mere squdge in which ne'er a livin' thing cud be
found. This peryod lasted a few millyion years, an' thin th' mush
caked an' become buildin'-materyal, an' threes grew out iv th'
buildin'-materyal an' fell down an' become coal. Thin th' wather
come--but where it come fr'm I don't know, f'r they was no God at
th' time--an' covered th' earth, an' thin th' wather evaporated an'
left little p'ints iv land shtickin' up with ready-made men an'
women occypyin' thim, an' at that moment th' Bible begun. Ye might
say we 're livin' on th' roof iv a flat, with all th' apartmints
beneath us occypied be th' bones iv submarine monsthers an' other
tinants.
"Lasteways that's what Hogan tells me, but I don't believe a wurrud
he says. Most iv th' people iv this wurruld is a come-on f'r
science, but I'm not. Ye can't con-vince me, me boy, that a man
who's so near-sighted he can't read th' sign on a cable-car knows
anny more about th' formation iv th' earth thin Father Kelly. I
believe th' wurruld is flat, not round; that th' sun moves an' is
about th' size iv a pie-plate in th' mornin' an' a car-wheel at
noon; an' it 's no proof to me that because a pro-fissor who 's
peekin' through a chube all night says th' stars ar-re millyions
iv miles away an' each is bigger thin this wurruld, that they 're
bigger thin they look, or much higher thin th' top iv th' shot-tower.
I've been up tin thousand feet on a mountain, an' they seemed so
near that I kept whiskin' thim off me nose as I lay there on me
back, but they wasn't anny larger thin they were on th' sthreet-level.
I believe what I see an' some iv th' things I'm told, if they 've
been told often, an' thim facts iv science has not been hung long
enough to be digistible." But, annyhow, they say that man first
begun writin' whin he had to hammer out his novels an' pomes on a
piece iv rock, an' th' hammer has been th' imblim iv lithrachoor
iver since. Thin he painted it on skins, hince th' publisher;
thin he played it an' danced it an' croshayed it till 't was
discovered that ink an' pa-aper wud projooce wurruds, an' thin th'
printin'-press was invinted. Gunpowdher was invinted th' same
time, an' 't is a question I've often heerd discussed which has
done more to ilivate th' human race. A joke.
Th' longer th' wurruld lasts th' more books does be comin' out.
Day be day I r-read in th' pa-apers announcemints iv new publications
that look like th' dilinquent tax-list. They 's a publisher in
ivry block, an' in thousan's iv happy homes some wan is pluggin'
away at th' romantic novel or whalin' out a pome on th' type-writer
up-stairs. A fam'ly without an author is as contimptible as wan
without a priest. Is Malachi near-sighted, peevish, averse to th'
suds, an' can't tell whether th' three in th' front yard is blue
or green? Make an author iv him! Does Miranda prisint no atthractions
to th' young men iv th' neighborhood, does her overskirt dhrag,
an' is she poor with th' gas-range? Make an authoreen iv her!
Forchunitly, th' manly insthinct is often too sthrong f'r th'
designs iv th' fam'ly, an' manny a man that if his parents had had
their way might have been at this moment makin' artificial feet
f'r a deformed pome is l'adin' what me fri'nd Hogan calls a glad,
free, an' timperymintal life on th' back iv a sthreet-car.
"But lithrachoor is th' gr-reat life-wurruk iv th' modhren woman.
Th' conthrol is passin' into th' hands iv th' fair sect, an' th'
day will come whin th' wurrud book will mane no more to an able-bodied
man thin th' wurrud gusset. Women write all th' romantic novels
that ar-re anny good. That's because ivry man thinks th' thrue
hayroe is himsilf, an' ivry woman thinks he's James K. Hackett.
A woman is sure a good, sthrong man ought to be able to kill anny
number iv bad, weak men, but a man is always wondherin' what th'
other la-ad wud do. He might have th' punch left in him that wud
get th' money. A woman niver cares how manny men are kilt, but a
man believes in fair play, an' he'd like to see th' polis intherfere
about Chapter Three.
"Women writes all th' good romantic novels, an' read thim all.
If anny proud la-ad in th' gum business thinks he riprisints th'
ideal iv his wife's soul, he ought to take a look at th' books she
reads. He'll larn there th' reason he's where he is, is because
he was th' on'y chanst, not because he was th' first choice. 'Twud
humble th' haughtiest prince iv thrade to look into th' heart iv
th' woman he cares most f'r an' thinks laste about, an' find that,
instead iv th' photygraft iv a shrewd but kindly man with a thriflin'
absence iv hair on his head an' a burglar-proof safe on his
watch-charm, there's a pitcher iv a young la-ad in green tights
playin' a mandolin to a high front stoop. On th' stoop, with a
rose in her hand, is his lawful-wedded wife, th' lady Annamariar
Huggins iv Peotone. Ye can't keep her away fr'm a romantic novel.
No matther what Edward Atkinson tells ye, she prefers 'Th' Age iv
Chivalry' to th' mos' atthractive housewurruk. A woman's readin'
is niver done. Hardly a day passes but some lady frind iv mine
stops me on me way to catch a car, an' asks me if I don't regard
Morse Hewlett as th' gr-reatest an' mos' homicidal writer iv our
time, an' what I've got to say about Hinnelly's attack on Stevenson.
'Madam,' says I, 'I wud n't know Morse if I was to see him goin'
down th' sthreet ax in hand, an' as f'r Hinnelly, his name escapes
me, though his language is familiar to anny wan who iver helped
load a scow. Stevenson,' I says, 'does n't appeal to me, an' if
he shud, I'll revarse th' decision on th' ground iv th' bad prevyous
charackter iv th' plaintiff, while,' I says, 'admittin' th' thruth
iv what he said. But,' says I, 'th' on'y books in me libr'y is
th' Bible an' Shakspere,' says I. 'They 're gr-reat f'r ye,' says
she. 'So bully f'r th' style. D' ye read thim all th' time?' she
says. 'I niver read thim,' says I. 'I use thim f'r purposes iv
definse. I have niver read thim, but I'll niver read annything
else till I have read thim,' I says. 'They shtand between me an'
all modhren lithrachoor,' says I. 'I've built thim up into a kind
iv breakwather,' I says, 'an' I set behind it ca'm an' contint
while Hall Caine rages without,' says I.
"Yes, sir, th' readin' an' writin' iv books is as much woman's
wurruk as th' mannyfacther iv tidies. A woman is a nachral writer.
She don't mind givin' hersilf away if 't will bring a tear to th'
eye or a smile to th' lips. But a man does. He has more to give
away. I'm not sayin' that anny man can't write betther thin a
woman if he wants to. But so can he cuk betther, an' sew betther,
an' paint minichoors betther, an' do annything betther but nurse
th' baby--if he wants to; but he don't often want to. He despises
such thrivyal pursuits. Mos' iv th' gr-reat writers I iver see
th' pitchers iv was little, thin, peevish men that was always
gettin' licked. Wanst in a while a sthrong man got into th' game,
a bull-necked, round-headed man that might have made a fine
thrackmaster or boiler-maker, but was addicted to dhrink, an'
niver had energy enough left in th' mornin' f'r annything more
thin writin' th' best plays or th' finest novels or th' gr-reatest
histhries in th' wurruld. But if ye got at th' rale feelin' iv
three-meal-a-day men about writin', ye'd find they classed it with
preachin', school-teachin', play-actin', dancin', an' lace-wurruk.
A man iv that kind might start to write, but if he did, he'd stop
an' think afther a while, an' say to himsilf: 'What's a big, sthrong,
able-bodied, two-hundhred-an'-tin-pound, forty-four-acrost-th'-chest
crather like me doin' here, pokin' these funny hireyoglyphics into
a piece iv pa-aper with a little sthick? I guess I'll go out an'
shoe a horse.'
"So it is with readin'. I'm tol' I ought to read more be Hogan,
who's wan iv th' best-read an' mos' ignorant men I know. Well,
maybe I ought, though whin I was a young man, an' was helpin' to
build up this counthry, th' principal use iv lithrachoor was as
a weepin. In thim days, if a little boy was seen readin' a book,
his father took it away fr'm him an' bate him on th' head with it.
Me father was th' mos' accyrate man in th' wurruld with letthers.
He found th' range nachrally, an' he cud wing anny wan iv us with
th' 'Lives iv th' Saints' as far as he cud see. He was a poor
man, an' on'y had such books in his libr'y as a gintleman shud
take, but if ye'd give him libr'y enough, he'd capture Giberaltor.
If lithrachoor niver pinethrated me intelleck, 'twas not his
fault. But nowadays, whin I go down th' sthreet, I see th' childher
settin' on th' front steps studyin' a book through double-compound-convex
spectacles, lookin' like th' offspring of a profissyonal diver.
What'll they iver grow up to be? Be hivins! that la-ad Carnaygie
knows his business. He is studied th' situation, an' he undhersthands
that if he builds libr'ies enough an' gets enough people readin'
books, they won't be anny wan left afther a while capable iv takin'
away what he's got. Ye bet he didn't larn how to make steel billets
out iv 'Whin Knighthood was in Flower.' He larned it be confabulatin'
afther wurrukin' hours with some wan that knew how. I think he
must be readin' now, f'r he's writin' wan or two. 'Tis th' way
with a man who takes to readin' late in life. He can't keep it
down.
"Readin', me frind, is talked about be all readin' people as though
it was th' on'y thing that makes a man betther thin his neighbors.
But th' thruth is that readin' is th' nex' thing this side iv
goin' to bed f'r restin' th' mind. With mos' people it takes th'
place iv wurruk. A man doesn't think whin he's readin', or if he
has to, th' book is no fun. Did ye iver have something to do that
ye ought to do, but didn't want to, an' while ye was wishin' ye
was dead, did ye happen to pick up a newspaper? Ye know what
occurred. Ye didn't jus' skim through th' spoortin' intillygince
an' th' crime news. Whin ye got through with thim, ye read th'
other quarther iv th' pa-aper. Ye read about people ye niver heerd
iv, an' happenin's ye didn't undhersthand--th' fashion notes, th'
theatrical gossip, th' s'ciety news fr'm Peoria, th' quotations
on oats, th' curb market, th' rale-estate transfers, th' marredge
licenses, th' death notices, th' want ads., th' dhrygoods bargains,
an' even th' iditoryals. Thin ye r-read thim over again, with a
faint idee ye'd read thim befure. Thin ye yawned, studied th'
design iv th' carpet, an' settled down to wurruk. Was ye exercisin'
ye-er joynt intelleck while ye was readin'? No more thin if ye'd
been whistlin' or writin' ye-er name on a pa-aper. If anny wan
else but me come along they might say: 'What a mind Hinnissy has!
He's always readin'.' But I wud kick th' book or pa-aper out iv
ye-er hand, an' grab ye be th' collar, an' cry 'Up, Hinnissy, an'
to wurruk!' f'r I'd know ye were loafin'. Believe me, Hinnissy,
readin' is not thinkin'. It seems like it, an' whin it comes out
in talk sometimes, it sounds like it. It's a kind iv nearthought
that looks ginooine to th' thoughtless, but ye can't get annything
on it. Manny a man I've knowed has so doped himsilf with books
that he'd stumble over a carpet-tack.
"Am I again' all books, says ye? I'm not. If I had money, I'd
have all th' good lithrachoor iv th' wurruld on me table at this
minyit. I mightn't read it, but there it'd be so that anny iv me
frinds cud dhrop in an' help thimsilves if they didn't care f'r
other stimylants. I have no taste f'r readin', but I won't deny
it's a good thing f'r thim that's addicted to it. In modheration,
mind ye. In modheration, an' afther th' chores is done. F'r as
a frind iv Hogan's says, 'Much readin' makes a full man,' an' he
knew what he was talkin' about. An' do I object to th' pursuit
iv lithrachoor? Oh, faith, no. As a pursuit 'tis fine, but it may
be bad f'r anny wan that catches it."