(_By a Stay-at-Home Cynic_)
_Antwerp._--Too many pictures.
_Boulogne._--Too many English.
_Calais._--Barred by the Channel passage.
_Dieppe._--Journey there literally a "toss-up."
_Ems._--In the sere and yellow leaf.
_Florence._--Paintings anticipated by photography.
_Geneva._--Can get watches nowadays elsewhere.
_Heidelberg._--Castle too "personally conducted."
_Interlaken._--Jungfrau monotonous.
_Jerusalem._--Looks better on paper.
_Kissingen._--Fallen off since Sheridan's days.
_Lucerne._--Lion in stone too irritating.
_Madrid._--Bull-fights can be supplied by biograph.
_Naples._--No longer an _ante mortem_ necessity.
_Paris._--Used up.
_Quebec._--After the Jubilee, too Colonial.
_Rouen._--Preliminary journey impossible.
_Saumur._--Not to be tempted by the vintage.
_Turin._--Out of date more than a quarter of a century.
_Utrecht._--Nothing, with or without its velvet.
_Wiesbaden._--For ages superseded by Monte Carlo.
_Xeres._--Can get sherry without going there.
_Yokohama._--Products purchasable at the stores.
_Zurich._--"Fair waters" disappointing.
* * *
AT ANTWERP.--_Artist_ (_amateur_). "_The Descent from the Cross._"
Hem! Not a bad bit of colouring, but out of date, sir,--out of date!
_Artist_ (_professional_). You think so! Well, perhaps you are right.
Splendid subject--splendid work; but it mightn't have sold nowadays.
In 1875, Rubens would have painted portraits of fat mayors and
sketches from the nursery.
_Artist_ (_amateur_). Talking of sketches from the nursery, you should
have seen my "_Coronation of Henry the Eighth!_"--the picture, you
know, that they were afraid to accept at the Royal Academy! Afraid,
sir!--that's the word--afraid!
_Artist_ (_professional_). Quite so!
[Illustration: AT A FRENCH HOTEL
"Tell him to clean your boots, John--and mine too."
"All right. Er--garçong, nettoyez may bot, si voo play--et aussee mah
fam!"]
[Illustration: A FRENCH CIRCE
_Landlady_ (_to Jones, who is bargaining for apartment_). "Non,
monsieur! C'est mon dernier prix, à prendre ou à laisser--et encore si
je vous le cède à ce prix-là, c'est parceque la physionomie ouverte
de monsieur m'est si sympathique que je voudrais avoir monsieur pour
locataire!"
[_We will not insult our readers by translating._
]