I wrote you at great length by the post, the twenty-sixth of last month,
to which I refer you for an account of our proceedings at Bath; and I
expect your answer with impatience. But, having this opportunity of a
private hand, I send you two dozen of Bath rings; six of the best of
which I desire you will keep for yourself, and distribute the rest among
the young ladies, our common friends, as you shall think proper--I don’t
know how you will approve of the mottoes; some of them are not much
to my own liking; but I was obliged to take such as I could find ready
manufactured--I am vexed, that neither you nor I have received any
further information of a certain person--Sure it cannot be wilful
neglect!--O my dear Willis! I begin to be visited by strange fancies,
and to have some melancholy doubts; which, however, it would be
ungenerous to harbour without further inquiry--My uncle, who has made
me a present of a very fine set of garnets, talks of treating us with a
jaunt to London; which, you may imagine, will be highly agreeable; but
I like Bath so well, that I hope he won’t think of leaving it till the
season is quite over; and yet, betwixt friends, something has happened
to my aunt, which will probably shorten our stay in this place.
Yesterday, in the forenoon, she went by herself to a breakfasting in one
of the rooms; and, in half an hour, returned in great agitation, having
Chowder along with her in the chair. I believe some accident must have
happened to that unlucky animal, which is the great source of all her
troubles. Dear Letty! what a pity it is, that a woman of her years
and discretion, should place her affection upon such an ugly,
ill-conditioned cur, that snarls and snaps at every body. I asked John
Thomas, the footman who attended her, what was the matter? and he did
nothing but grin. A famous dog-doctor was sent for, and undertook to
cure the patient, provided he might carry him home to his own house; but
his mistress would not part with him out of her own sight--She ordered
the cook to warm cloths, which she applied to his bowels, with her own
hand. She gave up all thoughts of going to the ball in the evening; and
when Sir Ulic came to drink tea, refused to be seen; so that he went
away to look for another partner. My brother Jery whistles and dances.
My uncle sometimes shrugs up his shoulders, and sometimes bursts out
a-laughing. My aunt sobs and scolds by turns; and her woman, Win.
Jenkins, stares and wonders with a foolish face of curiosity; and, for
my part, I am as curious as she, but ashamed to ask questions.
Perhaps time will discover the mystery; for if it was any thing that
happened in the Rooms, it cannot be long concealed--All I know is, that
last night at supper, miss Bramble spoke very disdainfully of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut, and asked her brother if he intended to keep us sweltering
all the summer at Bath? ‘No, sister Tabitha (said he, with an arch
smile) we shall retreat before the Dog-days begin; though I make no
doubt, that with a little temperance and discretion, our constitutions
might be kept cool enough all the year, even at Bath.’ As I don’t know
the meaning of this insinuation, I won’t pretend to make any remarks
upon it at present: hereafter, perhaps, I may be able to explain it more
to your satisfaction--In the mean time, I beg you will be punctual in
your correspondence, and continue to love your ever faithful
LYDIA MELFORD BATH, May 6.
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.
So then Mrs Blackerby’s affair has proved a false alarm, and I have
saved my money? I wish, however, her declaration had not been so
premature; for though my being thought capable of making her a mother,
might have given me some credit, the reputation of an intrigue with such
a cracked pitcher does me no honour at all In my last I told you I had
hopes of seeing Quin, in his hours of elevation at the tavern which is
the temple of mirth and good fellowship; where he, as priest of Comus,
utters the inspirations of wit and humour--I have had that satisfaction.
I have dined with his club at the Three Tuns, and had the honour to sit
him out. At half an hour past eight in the evening, he was carried
home with six good bottles of claret under his belt; and it being then
Friday, he gave orders that he should not be disturbed till Sunday at
noon--You must not imagine that this dose had any other effect upon his
conversation, but that of making it more extravagantly entertaining--He
had lost the use of his limbs, indeed, several hours before we parted,
but he retained all his other faculties in perfection; and as he gave
vent to every whimsical idea as it rose, I was really astonished at the
brilliancy of his thoughts, and the force of his expression. Quin is a
real voluptuary in the articles of eating and drinking; and so confirmed
an epicure, in the common acceptation of the term, that he cannot put up
with ordinary fare. This is a point of such importance with him, that he
always takes upon himself the charge of catering; and a man admitted
to his mess, is always sure of eating delicate victuals, and drinking
excellent wine--He owns himself addicted to the delights of the stomach,
and often jokes upon his own sensuality; but there is nothing selfish in
this appetite--He finds that good chear unites good company, exhilerates
the spirits, opens the heart, banishes all restraint from conversation,
and promotes the happiest purposes of social life. But Mr James Quin
is not a subject to be discussed in the compass of one letter; I shall
therefore, at present, leave him to his repose, and call another of a
very different complexion.
You desire to have further acquaintance with the person of our aunt,
and promise yourself much entertainment from her connexion with Sir Ulic
Mackilligut: but in this hope you are baulked already; that connexion is
dissolved. The Irish baronet is an old hound, that, finding her carrion,
has quitted the scent--I have already told you, that Mrs Tabitha Bramble
is a maiden of forty-five. In her person, she is tall, raw-boned,
aukward, flat-chested, and stooping; her complexion is sallow and
freckled; her eyes are not grey, but greenish, like those of a cat, and
generally inflamed; her hair is of a sandy, or rather dusty hue; her
forehead low; her nose long, sharp, and, towards the extremity, always
red in cool weather; her lips skinny, her mouth extensive, her teeth
straggling and loose, of various colours and conformation; and her long
neck shrivelled into a thousand wrinkles--In her temper, she is proud,
stiff, vain, imperious, prying, malicious, greedy, and uncharitable. In
all likelihood, her natural austerity has been soured by disappointment
in love; for her long celibacy is by no means owing to her dislike of
matrimony: on the contrary, she has left no stone unturned to avoid the
reproachful epithet of old maid.
Before I was born, she had gone such lengths in the way of flirting
with a recruiting officer, that her reputation was a little singed. She
afterwards made advances to the curate of the parish, who dropped some
distant hints about the next presentation to the living, which was in
her brother’s gift; but finding that was already promised to another, he
flew off at a tangent; and Mrs Tabby, in revenge, found means to deprive
him of his cure. Her next lover was lieutenant of a man of war, a
relation of the family, who did not understand the refinements of the
passion, and expressed no aversion to grapple with cousin Tabby in the
way of marriage; but before matters could be properly adjusted, he went
out on a cruise, and was killed in an engagement with a French frigate.
Our aunt, though baffled so often, did not yet despair. She layed all
her snares for Dr Lewis, who is the fidus Achates of my uncle. She even
fell sick upon the occasion, and prevailed with Matt to interpose in her
behalf with his friend; but the Doctor, being a shy cock, would not be
caught with chaff, and flatly rejected the proposal: so that Mrs Tabitha
was content to exert her patience once more, after having endeavoured
in vain to effect a rupture betwixt the two friends; and now she thinks
proper to be very civil to Lewis, who is become necessary to her in the
way of his profession.
These, however, are not the only efforts she has made towards a nearer
conjunction with our sex. Her fortune was originally no more than a
thousand pounds; but she gained an accession of five hundred by the
death of a sister, and the lieutenant left her three hundred in his
will. These sums she has more than doubled, by living free of all
expence, in her brother’s house; and dealing in cheese and Welsh
flannel, the produce of his flocks and dairy. At present her capital is
increased to about four thousand pounds; and her avarice seems to grow
every day more and more rapacious: but even this is not so intolerable
as the perverseness of her nature, which keeps the whole family
in disquiet and uproar. She is one of those geniuses who find
some diabolical enjoyment in being dreaded and detested by their
fellow-creatures.
I once told my uncle, I was surprised that a man of his disposition
could bear such a domestic plague, when it could be so easily removed.
The remark made him sore, because it seemed to tax him with want of
resolution--Wrinkling up his nose, and drawing down his eye-brows, ‘A
young fellow (said he) when he first thrusts his snout into the world,
is apt to be surprised at many things which a man of experience knows
to be ordinary and unavoidable--This precious aunt of yours is become
insensibly a part of my constitution--Damn her! She’s a noli me tangere
in my flesh, which I cannot bear to be touched or tampered with.’ I made
no reply; but shifted the conversation. He really has an affection for
this original; which maintains its ground in defiance of common sense,
and in despite of that contempt which he must certainly feel for her
character and understanding. Nay, I am convinced, that she has likewise
a most virulent attachment to his person; though her love never shews
itself but in the shape of discontent; and she persists in tormenting
him out of pure tenderness--The only object within doors upon which she
bestows any marks of affection, in the usual stile, is her dog Chowder;
a filthy cur from Newfoundland, which she had in a present from the wife
of a skipper in Swansey. One would imagine she had distinguished this
beast with her favour on account of his ugliness and ill-nature, if it
was not, indeed, an instinctive sympathy, between his disposition and
her own. Certain it is, she caresses him without ceasing; and even
harasses the family in the service of this cursed animal, which, indeed,
has proved the proximate cause of her breach with Sir Ulic Mackilligut.
You must know, she yesterday wanted to steal a march of poor Liddy, and
went to breakfast in the Room without any other companion than her dog,
in expectation of meeting with the Baronet, who had agreed to dance with
her in the evening--Chowder no sooner made his appearance in the Room,
than the Master of the Ceremonies, incensed at his presumption, ran
up to drive him away, and threatened him with his foot; but the other
seemed to despise his authority, and displaying a formidable case of
long, white, sharp teeth, kept the puny monarch at bay--While he stood
under some trepidation, fronting his antagonist, and bawling to the
waiter, Sir Ulic Mackilligut came to his assistance; and seeming
ignorant of the connexion between this intruder and his mistress, gave
the former such a kick in the jaws, as sent him howling to the door--Mrs
Tabitha, incensed at this outrage, ran after him, squalling in a tone
equally disagreeable; while the Baronet followed her on one side,
making apologies for his mistake; and Derrick on the other, making
remonstrances upon the rules and regulations of the place.
Far from being satisfied with the Knight’s excuses, she said she was
sure he was no gentleman; and when the Master of the Ceremonies offered
to hand her into the chair, she rapped him over the knuckles with her
fan. My uncle’s footman being still at the door, she and Chowder got
into the same vehicle, and were carried off amidst the jokes of the
chairmen and other populace--I had been riding out on Clerkendown, and
happened to enter just as the fracas was over--The Baronet, coming up to
me with an affected air of chagrin, recounted the adventure; at which
I laughed heartily, and then his countenance cleared up. ‘My dear soul
(said he) when I saw a sort of a wild baist, snarling with open mouth
at the Master of the Ceremonies, like the red cow going to devour Tom
Thumb, I could do no less than go to the assistance of the little man;
but I never dreamt the baist was one of Mrs Bramble’s attendants--O! if
I had, he might have made his breakfast upon Derrick and welcome--But
you know, my dear friend, how natural it is for us Irishmen to blunder,
and to take the wrong sow by the ear--However, I will confess judgment,
and cry her mercy; and it is to be hoped, a penitent sinner may be
forgiven.’ I told him, that as the offence was not voluntary of his
side, it was to be hoped he would not find her implacable.
But, in truth, all this concern was dissembled. In his approaches of
gallantry to Mrs Tabitha, he had been misled by a mistake of at least
six thousand pounds, in the calculation of her fortune; and in this
particular he was just undeceived. He, therefore, seized the first
opportunity of incurring her displeasure decently, in such a manner as
would certainly annihilate the correspondence; and he could not have
taken a more effectual method, than that of beating her dog. When he
presented himself at our door, to pay his respects to the offended fair,
he was refused admittance, and given to understand that he should never
find her at home for the future. She was not so inaccessible to Derrick,
who came to demand satisfaction for the insult she had offered to him,
even in the verge of his own court. She knew it was convenient to be
well with the Master of the Ceremonies, while she continued to frequent
the Rooms; and, having heard he was a poet, began to be afraid of making
her appearance in a ballad or lampoon.--She therefore made excuses
for what she had done, imputing it to the flutter of her spirits; and
subscribed handsomely for his poems: so that he was perfectly appeased,
and overwhelmed her with a profusion of compliment. He even solicited a
reconciliation with Chowder; which, however, the latter declined; and he
declared, that if he could find a precedent in the annals of the Bath,
which he would carefully examine for that purpose, her favourite should
be admitted to the next public breakfasting--But, I, believe, she will
not expose herself or him to the risque of a second disgrace--Who will
supply the place of Mackilligut in her affections, I cannot foresee;
but nothing in the shape of man can come amiss. Though she is a violent
church-woman, of the most intolerant zeal, I believe in my conscience
she would have no objection, at present, to treat on the score of
matrimony with an Anabaptist, Quaker, or Jew; and even ratify the treaty
at the expense of her own conversion. But, perhaps, I think too hardly
of this kinswoman; who, I must own, is very little beholden to the good
opinion of
Yours, J. MELFORD BATH, May 6.
To Dr LEWIS.
You ask me, why I don’t take the air a-horseback, during this fine
weather?--In which of the avenues of this paradise would you have me
take that exercise? Shall I commit myself to the high-roads of London
or Bristol, to be stifled with dust, or pressed to death in the midst
of post-chaises, flying-machines, waggons, and coal-horses; besides
the troops of fine gentlemen that take to the highway, to shew their
horsemanship; and the coaches of fine ladies, who go thither to shew
their equipages? Shall I attempt the Downs, and fatigue myself to death
in climbing up an eternal ascent, without any hopes of reaching the
summit? Know then, I have made divers desperate leaps at those upper
regions; but always fell backward into this vapour-pit, exhausted
and dispirited by those ineffectual efforts; and here we poor
valetudinarians pant and struggle, like so many Chinese gudgeons,
gasping in the bottom of a punch-bowl. By Heaven it is a kind of
enchantment! If I do not speedily break the spell, and escape, I may
chance to give up the ghost in this nauseous stew of corruption--It was
but two nights ago, that I had like to have made my public exit, at a
minute’s warning. One of my greatest weaknesses is that of suffering
myself to be over-ruled by the opinion of people, whose judgment I
despise--I own, with shame and confusion of face, that importunity
of any kind I cannot resist. This want of courage and constancy is an
original flaw in my nature, which you must have often observed with
compassion, if not with contempt. I am afraid some of our boasted
virtues maybe traced up to this defect.
Without further preamble, I was persuaded to go to a ball, on purpose to
see Liddy dance a minuet with a young petulant jackanapes, the only
son of a wealthy undertaker from London, whose mother lodges in our
neighbourhood, and has contracted an acquaintance with Tabby. I sat a
couple of long hours, half stifled, in the midst of a noisome crowd;
and could not help wondering that so many hundreds of those that rank as
rational creatures, could find entertainment in seeing a succession of
insipid animals, describing the same dull figure for a whole evening, on
an area, not much bigger than a taylor’s shop-board. If there had been
any beauty, grace, activity, magnificent dress, or variety of any kind
howsoever absurd, to engage the attention, and amuse the fancy, I should
not have been surprised; but there was no such object: it was a tiresome
repetition of the same languid, frivolous scene, performed by actors
that seemed to sleep in all their motions. The continual swimming of
these phantoms before my eyes, gave me a swimming of the head; which was
also affected by the fouled air, circulating through such a number of
rotten human bellows. I therefore retreated towards the door, and stood
in the passage to the next room, talking to my friend Quin; when an end
being put to the minuets, the benches were removed to make way for the
country-dances; and the multitude rising at once, the whole atmosphere
was put in commotion. Then, all of a sudden, came rushing upon me an
Egyptian gale, so impregnated with pestilential vapours, that my nerves
were overpowered, and I dropt senseless upon the floor.
You may easily conceive what a clamour and confusion this accident must
have produced, in such an assembly--I soon recovered, however, and found
myself in an easy chair, supported by my own people--Sister Tabby, in
her great tenderness, had put me to the torture, squeezing my hand under
her arm, and stuffing my nose with spirit of hartshorn, till the whole
inside was excoriated. I no sooner got home, than I sent for Doctor
Ch--, who assured me I needed not be alarmed, for my swooning was
entirely occasioned by an accidental impression of fetid effluvia upon
nerves of uncommon sensibility. I know not how other people’s nerves
are constructed; but one would imagine they must be made of very coarse
materials, to stand the shock of such a torrid assault. It was, indeed,
a compound of villainous smells, in which the most violent stinks,
and the most powerful perfumes, contended for the mastery. Imagine to
yourself a high exalted essence of mingled odours, arising from putrid
gums, imposthumated lungs, sour flatulencies, rank armpits, sweating
feet, running sores and issues, plasters, ointments, and embrocations,
hungary-water, spirit of lavender, assafoetida drops, musk, hartshorn,
and sal volatile; besides a thousand frowzy steams, which I could not
analyse. Such, O Dick! is the fragrant aether we breathe in the polite
assemblies of Bath--Such is the atmosphere I have exchanged for the
pure, elastic, animating air of the Welsh mountains--O Rus, quando te
aspiciam!---I wonder what the devil possessed me--
But few words are best: I have taken my resolution--You may well suppose
I don’t intend to entertain the company with a second exhibition--I have
promised, in an evil hour, to proceed to London, and that promise shall
be performed, but my stay in the metropolis shall be brief. I have, for
the benefit of my health, projected an expedition to the North, which, I
hope, will afford some agreeable pastime. I have never travelled farther
that way than Scarborough; and, I think, it is a reproach upon me, as a
British freeholder, to have lived so long without making an excursion to
the other side of the Tweed. Besides, I have some relations settled in
Yorkshire, to whom it may not be improper to introduce my nephew and
his sister--At present, I have nothing to add, but that Tabby is happily
disentangled from the Irish Baronet; and that I will not fail to make
you acquainted, from time to time, with the sequel of our adventures: a
mark of consideration, which, perhaps, you would willingly dispense with
in
Your humble servant, M. BRAMBLE BATH, May 8.
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.