_The Maid is out-witted by a Country Fellow in an eateing wager, and so
is her Master, mine Host; who makes himself whole again by another
eating wager. Three Women drink off eighteen Gallons of Rhenish Wine
at one sitting, and the manner how._
Mrs. _Dorothy_ pausing, and we laughing, gave her the conveniency to
consider of what she was to say further; wherefore in short time she
thus proceeded.
The poor Wench was at a great loss, to think that the Guests must loose
their dinner; and she could not for a long time think how this came
about, nor distrust that the boy had been concerned in it; but at
length, the mist being removed, her eyes were opened, and she believed
the boy to be the Authour of this mischief. But since it was done, and
what was past could not be prevented or helped; she bethought her self
how to proceed; and therefore, her Mistress coming into the Kitchin, and
seeing the state of the matter, they likewise called me and the
Daughter, to assist in the remedy; whilst the Wench made the fire good,
we fell to washing the Fowls from the fowleness which the Cinders and
Ashes had caused; but when that was done, we had a further and more
tedious work, to pick out several corns of powder that were fastned into
the skins of the Fowls; at length, with many hands, we likewise
performed this work, and with an hours loss, the Dinner was in as much
forwardness as it had been; and at length, it was dressed and eaten; but
the Guests tasting, and seeing some remains of the Gun-powder, my Host
excused it well enough, by telling them that those Fowles were shot by
an accident.
Thus was the Dinner eaten, and much Wine drank off before the boy
returned; but so soon as he came in, mine Host took him by the hand, and
led him into the room where the Guests were still a drinking: and first
desireing silence, and then their pardon, he told them this was the
Gunner, that had shot all those Fowls they had eaten, at one shot; how,
said they, he is an excellent marks-man: yes truly, said mine Host, but
he had a strange kind of instrument to do this Execution; and I pray,
Gentlemen, do you examine him how it was done.
The Guests thinking there was somewhat in the matter that was pleasant,
desired the boy to acquaint them with it; he seeing how matters went,
and believing no harm would come to him, in plain terms told them all;
they were strangely pleased with the boyes discourse; and he having told
them the manner how he did it, they desired to know the cause,
wherefore; to this he replyed, it was because the maid had cheated him
of his Dinner, by letting the Jack to go, as I told you.
The rehearsal of that Adventure pleased them as much as the other; and
the maid was call’d in, who confessing all that the boy had told them,
the Guests made them Friends, and gave money to each of them; advising
the Wench not by any means to fall out with the boy, and so they
dismissed them.
Thus had we much pleasure by Adventures, which every day fell out
between this boy and some body or other, but I will leave that, to tell
you of somewhat else, as considerable and pleasant. Our Cook-maid,
though she were pretty cunning and witty; was yet sometimes out-witted;
for one day, an ordinary Country fellow came into the Kitchin; and
calling for a Flaggon of beer, sate down by the fire to drink it and
thus he began with the Wench: Here is good drink at your house, but I
wonder you are not as well provided with Victuals; why, said she, so we
are, for here is good meat at the fire, shewing him a piece of roast
beef, that weighed above a stone; yes, said he again, the meat may be
good, but there is but a little of it, there is enough for you, replyed
she; no, but there is not, said he; how, said she, can you eat all this?
Yes, that I can, said he; I’le lay a wager of that, said she; what you
dare, said the man, she would have the wager be a quart of wine (for she
was resolved against money wagers) nay, said the Man, a pint is enough
for me with this meat, and so much will I lay: She thinking, that the
less she layd the less she should lose, if she lost, and being very
desirous to see this great wager of eating performed, agreed to his
Terms, and thereupon he fell too lustily, and did eat considerably, but
far short of all, so that he consented his wager to be lost, and the
pint of wine was called for; he seizing on it first, put it to his nose,
and drank all off; and throwing down _six pence_ for his pint of wine,
and _two pence_ for his pot of beer, was departing, when her Mistress,
mine Hostess, enters the Kitchin, and seeing the fellow departing, asked
who must pay for the meat? Not I, said the fellow; Nor I, said the
wench, so that a controversie arose between them; but mine Host and some
company coming in, ended it, by ajudging, that since the Country-man
called for no meat, it was not fit he should pay for it, and he not
paying, the maid must, which she presently did it, but was laughed at
for her folly. But she was not the only over-reach’d person in the
house, for it was not long ere mine Host himself was finely caught.
* * * * *
There came three men, who although they were neighbours, and famous for
eating, yet mine Host not knowing them, they thus over-reach’d him: they
came to sup, and lye there that night, and therefore went into the
Kitchin to see what was for Supper. There was Capons, Pidgeons, and
Sparagus: Very good meat, said they: Now, mine Host, what shall we give
you a peice for our supper of these three sorts of victuals? He asked,
how much they would have drest: they asked him the same question, How
much he would dress: Why, said he, I will dress three Capons, three
dozen of Pidgeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus. Very good, said
they: but if this be not enough, we expect to have more. That you shall,
said he; but you shall sup first, and I hope there will be enough for my
self and family, when you have done. For that, you must adventure it,
said they; Well now, your price? Said mine Host, I will have three
_shillings_ four _pence_ a piece, that is, ten _shillings_ in all.
Content, said they; Make haste that we may drink afterwards. Thus was
the Bargain made up, and the Fowls laid down to the fire. In the mean
time the three Travellors fetched a walk, to get them (as they said) a
stomack to their Supper; which in convenient time being ready, and they
returned, they thus began; each of the three took, each of them, a Capon
whole on their trenchers; and cutting them into pieces, they made one
mouthful of each wing, another of each leg; and scraping all the meat
from the Carcass, into two or three mouth-fuls, the Capons were
invisible; then they drank each his cup of Claret, to whet their
appetites; that being done, they fell to the Pidgeons, and cutting each
Pidgeon into four quarters, they eat them, bones and all, at four bits;
and then they drank again, and fell to the Sparagus, which was in short
time bestowed where the rest of the victuals was; mine Host seeing them
so quick at their work, stared at them, and they calling for another
glass of wine drank to him, and told him, that he must provide more
victuals, or lose his wager, he being angry at both their propositions,
at length thought it was better to let them have more meat, than not to
be paid for what they had, and be laughed at into the Bargain; wherefore
he replyed, they should have enough; and calling for the Cook-maid,
commanded her to dress the same quantity of victuals; she staring on the
Guests, they bad her go down, and make haste for they wanted their
supper: down she went, and did accordingly; and whilst supper was
dressing, they walked and smoak’d, in their Chamber. In time the other
course, consisting of three Capons, three dozen of Pigeons, and fifteen
hundred of Sparagus was brought up, and in as little time as before it
was eaten up, as the former had been to the great cost, loss, and
confusion of mine Host; who stared now worse than he had done; but
however he again asked them, if they would have any more; to this they
readily replyed, _Yes_. He again called, and the Cook maid being come
up, was commanded to dress the same quantity again, and that quickly:
She replyed, she could not, for all the Fowl that was killed, was eaten;
and it would be a great while, ere she could kill, pull and dress the
like quantity; besides, there was no more Sparagus then to be had; they
told mine Host they must have their bargain, or he lose his wager: he
replyed, if he could not furnish them with that, yet they might have of
any other sort of victuals: they said, they would have that, or none, or
else a third way, come to composition, to this mine Host gave ear, and
asked what composition: they told him, that indeed though they could
give a dispatch to more victuals, yet they would for once forbear
further eating, and exchange their victuals for drink: so they reckoned
what their other mess of victuals might come to, which being computed to
ten shillings, they desired ten shillings worth of wine. Mine Host shook
his head at this and said, they did him too hard, which they confessing,
and a little further discoursing on, it was agreed that they should have
each of them a quart of _Canary_, in full satisfaction of the wager:
this they had, this they drank off, and so went to bed, where they slept
more soundly then mine Host, who with all his Family went supperless to
bed; and he was extreamly vex’d, that he should be out-witted and
over-reached by three Bumpkins; but what could not be cured must be
endured; it was but a folly to complain, self do, self have, and now he
remember’d the wager between the Cook-maid and Country-man, and had no
cause to laugh at her anymore. Night being spent, part in sleep, and
part in these cogitations, he arose, and so did his guests, who honestly
paid their shot, though not half so much as their reckoning came to; and
at departure they told him, that if ever he had occasion for an eating
wager, if he would send for any of them, they would do their weak
endeavours to assist him as much to his gain as this had been to his
loss; and thereupon acquainted him with the places of their dwellings,
they departed: and indeed, it was not long ere he had occasion to make
use of them; for a Person of Quality, being to travel our Road, sent his
boy before to our house to bespeak a Supper; the boy, having mistook his
Master in his direction, instead of a couple of Capons, and a dozen of
Larks, which he had ordered him to bespeak, he bespeak, a dozen of
Capons, and a Couple of Larks, mine Host did somewhat distrust the boy
for his directions, when he spake of a couple of Larks, and told him
surely he was mistaken, he must have two dozen of Larks; no, said the
boy, my Master is but a small eater, and the dozen of Capons and the two
Larks will be enough for him and his Company, which is but one
Gentleman, besides himself; well, replyed mine Host, however I’le
provide two dozen of Larks; and if your Master will not eat them, I’le
have them my self; to this the boy consented, and the fowls were ordered
to be dressed accordingly: mine Host was very sensible of the mistake,
and that the Boy should have bespoke but two Capons, and a dozen of
Larks; but however, the boy being so confident that it was a dozen of
Capons, he was resolved to dress them, and that his Master should pay
for them; but lest they should be left on his hands, and deducted for,
he bethought on a way to have them dispatched; wherefore he dispatched
away a boy to one of his three Capon and Pidgeon eaters, desiring him to
favour him so far, as to come that evening to his house; for he did
believe he might do him a kindness in some affairs relating to the teeth
and guts. The Country man was at home, and came at his time: but before
he came, the Master of the boy came thither, and asking what was for
Supper, was answered, a dozen of Capons, and two dozen of Larks; and for
whom is all this provision? said the Gentleman. For your worship, said
mine Host: how so, said the Gentleman, by whose order? by your servants,
replyed mine Host; and thereupon the boy being called, sirrah, said his
Master, what orders did I give you about my supper? Sir, said the boy, I
believe there is a mistake, and so I told mine Host. For I only bespake
a dozen of Capons, and a couple of Larks; and he said, it was too
little, and that he would dress two dozen of Larks. The Gentleman and
his Friend laughed at the Boyes mistake, and excuse; and mine Host said,
that he thought two dozen of Larks was little enough for one dozen of
Capons. That is true, said the Gentleman; but I ordered the boy to
bespeak only a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks. You see said mine
Host, It is not my mistake, and I did nothing but was reasonable. I but,
said the Gentleman, it is unreasonable to think, that we two and the boy
can eat so much as you have provided for us; not so unreasonable
neither, as you think, Sir, replyed mine Host; for I’le lay a good
wager, that I’le produce one man, that can, and will eat up all the
Capons himself; how, said the Gentleman? I’le never believe that, and
I’le lay twenty shillings of it, and venture my Supper; done, said mine
Host; done, said the Gentleman; and so both their moneys were laid into
the other Gentlemans hand. Thus was this wager concluded of and mine
Host went to his Teeth and Gut-Champion, who attended the sport; he told
him the wager; to that he shook his head, and said it was a hard task;
but he would strive to serve him. Supper being ready, it was Ushered in
by mine Host, leading his Champion by the hand; who, after due reverance
to the Company, sits down; and the meat being placed on the board, the
wager was again recited; and it was further agreed, that the Champion
might have what drink he would call for; and thereupon he began to use
his teeth, and the rest of the Company their eyes, to behold the manner
how he made so quick a dispatch of his Victuals. I told you already how,
and in that manner he did eat; but now being to do much, he took more
time than ordinary; but in time, ten of the twelve were made invisible,
being put into our Gut-mongers _Christmas_ Cup-board, and the eleventh
was on his Trencher, and part of it sent down his belly, when mine Host
looked on him with a more than curious eye, and discovered somewhat of
discontent, which caused him to cry out, _Come Friend! bear up, and
here’s to you_; thank you, replyed the Eater; and taking the drink from
mine Host, he whispering him in the ear, said; You have lost, I can eat
no more. How, said the Gentleman, what sayes he? Nothing, said mine
Host, but that he is sure you have lost, for he can eat a dozen more:
How, replyed the Gentle-man, but by my faith he shall not, for i’le have
this my self for my Supper: and thereupon he seized on the twelfth
Capon, and laying it on his Trencher, cuts it in peices, and gives to
his Friend. Nay then, said mine Host, I see you agree the wager to be
mine: yes, replyed the Gentleman, I had better do so, than fill his
belly, and lose my own supper; and thereupon the money was given to mine
Host; who now, meerly by his quickness of wit in thinking, and
confidence in speaking so contrary to the Eaters saying, won the wager;
and, which was most, saving his own credit, and that of his Champion,
who clearly confessed, that the wager was in great danger to be lost.
Thus did mine Host get as much as he lost by the former wager, and the
Gentleman was well pleased at the loss of his; and all parties being
contented, they went to bed, and next day parted.
And now, continued Mrs. _Dorothy_, that my hand is in, I’le tell you one
Story more of the like nature, and so conclude with this eating
discourse.
It was not long ere some Company came to the House, and in the Company
three Women, who were good girls, absolute _Bona Roba’s_, they had a
great desire to drink _Rhenish_ wine, and therefore asked if we had any?
Mine Host told them yes, he had a Runlet of eighteen Gallons newly come
in, and it was excellent good; the women said that would hardly serve
one sitting: no said one of the Gentle-men surely it will: they said no,
they would wager that they themselves could drink it off at one sitting.
The Gentleman told them that if they would, he would not only pay for
it, but also give unto each of them forty shillings, to buy a new
Petticoat; this they agreed to, nay, they said they would not rise from
their seats e’re it was done, provided they might have Anchoves, and
Neats-tongues, and such like victuals to intermix: this was agreed on,
and that they might the more conveniently do their business, they had
each of them an empty Butter-firkin with the head knock’d off, and so
taking up their Coates, they laid their bare bums on the firkins, thus
they sate, and thus they drank, sometimes eating and other whiles
talking, so that in four hours time, all the wine was drank off, and if
they had occasion to evacuate, they did that without trouble sitting as
they did on butter-firkins.
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