_Mrs._ Dorothy _discourses of the several cheats of Drawers and
Tapsters, inventing bad drink and small measure. The Host carries two
men before the Justice, where he came off with the loss. He is
out-witted by two Guests, but is revenged on them by the boyes
assistance._
These were the frolicks we daily had at our house, which were commonly
to the profit of mine Host; for whoever won or lost he went away with
the profit and gain; and indeed his gain was very great both in his
victuals and drink, for when wine was to be sold at eighteen pence the
quart, we had two shillings or half a crown, and that we might not come
within the compass of the law, to every bottle of Wine, a small plate of
Olives was carried up, neither was this enough to have the price, but
the Wine was generally mixt, and bad; and that the Guests might as well
be cheated in quantity as quality, it was commonly sold in bottles,
where we many times had two shillings or half a crown for a bottle of
Wine that would not hold above a pinte and a half; and for instance, I
will relate one little fine Cheat to that purpose: A Company of
Gentlemen come to our house and call’d for Wine, which they drank off
but liked not, wherefore they called the Drawer, and desiring another
bottle told him that there was two faults in the Wine they had drank,
the one that it was not so good as they expected, the other, that the
bottle was not full measure; they therefore desired him to mend both the
quality and quantity in the next, since they intended him, and always
gave the best price, half a crown a bottle, he promised an amendment as
to both, and so went down, and indeed was as good as his word, drawing
the best wine in the Cellar, and that in a Bottle of the largest size;
they thanked him and for his encouragement to continue honest to them
they gave him a shilling, he pocketed the money and left them, they
drank on and finding their wine good, called for more, which they had:
But mark the falsness and ingratitude of this rascally Drawer, he in
short time first changed their wine, and gave them worse, and not
contented with that likewise cheated them of their measure, he carried a
bottle of wine and filled a glass out of it, when one of the Gentlemen
who was not yet so dim sighted but he could see somewhat of the intended
cheat, cry’d hold Drawer, let me see that Glass and Bottle, and
thereupon poured the wine into the bottle which was indifferent full but
looking on the bottle, and seeing it was very small, he said: surely
this Bottle does not hold a full quart, Oh Lord! Sir, said the Drawer,
do you think I would wrong you? I do not know; replyed the Gentleman,
but I much distrust it, you have no cause replyed the Drawer, for I am
sure that bottle is full measure, what will you wager of that said the
Gentleman? any thing you will, said the Drawer: But do you think I would
put any tricks upon Gentlemen I have so great respect for, no surely?
But said the Gentleman I must and will be satisfied, that you may
quickly be, replyed the Drawer, for I will fetch a new sealed quart pot
and measure it, this was agreed upon, and in short time up comes the
Drawer with a quart pot in his hand, being come to the Table he takes
the bottle and pours the wine out of that into the quart pot, which when
looked upon was full as it ought to be, now said one to the Gentleman
who complained, you have wronged the honest Drawer and must give him
satisfaction for the abuse, truly replyed he, I was very much mistaken,
and my mind still gives me that there is some cunning trick and cheat in
this contrivance, and that it is not as it appears to be; truly replyed
the Drawer, if you think I have done you any abuse you do me wrong, and
besides the great respect I have for you who are my Masters best
Customers, I know if I should attempt to wrong you, my Master would be
much troubled and would not keep a Servant in his House that should do
it; well for all this replyed the Gentleman, I pray let me see the
bottle and quart pot, the Drawer delivered him the quart pot freely, but
parted from the bottle with much unwillingness, but in fine the
Gentleman had them both when presently he takes the quart pot and out of
that filled the bottle, and then he found the Cheat, which was this;
there was more than half a pint of wine left in the quart pot, how now,
said the Gentleman who is wronged now, where lies the Cheat? The Drawer
seeing himself found out and fearing he should be beaten replyed, I do
not know, and so turn’d his back and left them; great was the admiration
of the whole company, of the management of this cheat, but much more at
the impudence of the Drawer; now they all perceived that the Drawer when
he went down into the Cellar to bring up a quart pot, brought wine in
it, and that above half a pint, the acting of the thing it self was not
so much as the manner, that this knavish Drawer should be so impudent as
to stand in it, and justifie it with language, when as if he had not
been too confident, and so soon as he had put the wine into a quart pot
had immediately gone away, he might have escaped undiscovered; but it
was his fortune so to be found out to the great admiration of the whole
company, who although they found themselves cheated, yet were hugely
pleased with the manner, and made it their discourse in all Taverns they
came into for a long time after; but I believe it was to as little
purpose with others, as with our folks, for when any such tricks or
cheats have been told in our house, our people would only give them the
hearing, and seem to be astonished with the discourse, but be never a
whit the better for it, but immediately upon the next opportunity do the
same thing or as bad, and this was their constant practice; they would
draw wine in glass bottles that were so thick at the bottom that when
they were empty they were as heavy as if they were half full, and also
batter’d pots that would not hold out measure, and sometimes would fill
a pot not above three quarters full, and when the Drawer brought it in,
he would presently fill out a glass, and stare them in the face as
Juglers do when they are about their _Hocus Pocus_, slight of hand
tricks, and so carry it off, and out of pretence to civility to fill the
first glasses they would do it, but their end was quite different, it
being only to deceive them and to hinder them from seeing the false
measure that is brought them, which cannot be discovered when a glass or
two is filled out.
Mine Host was finely caught one day with a pot not being filled: Two Old
Country men coming to our house in a morning called for a quart of wine,
the Drawer believing they were to be choused, brought up a quart pot,
but it was little more than half full, he intended they should have it
raw, but it being a cold morning, they bad him rost it, that is put it
to the fire and burn it; he was now at a loss in not filling out the
first glass, but not knowing how to help it, he did set it down before
the fire, and I suppose, he intended to fill it up afterwards, but he
forgetting that, and the old men being busie in discourse forgot to look
to it, when on a sudden they look’d, and the pot was melted almost half
way down, which was as far as there was no wine in it; with that the
maid seeing it call’d out to them, what honest men do you melt your pot?
Not we, said they, it is the fire, but you are like to pay for it,
replyed the wench, that is when we do, said they, at this mine Host came
up, the maid tells how that these two old men had been telling their
_Canterbury_ tales so long that the pot was melted, then they must pay
for it said mine Host, for it was given to their charge; thereupon the
Drawer was call’d, who likewise averred that he gave them the pot with
the wine into their charge and custody, and that therefore they ought to
look after it, and since it was damaged to pay for it. They replyed,
they took no charge of it, neither did they touch it, but only ordered
him, to burn it well: mine Host said they should pay, and they said they
would not, whereupon he threatened them with a Justices Warrant; they
were somewhat unwilling to be troubled, and were content to pay for the
wine, and allow six pence more for mending the pot, mine Host replying
that would not do, for it could not be mended, and he must have a new
one; they seeing him so unreasonable, were content the Justice should
decide the Controversie; wherefore before the Justice they went, and
mine Host there made his Complaint that those two men had melted his
quart pot, and refused to pay for it. The Justice perceiving where the
matter lay, and that he told his tale wrong, desired the men to speak,
who in plain terms told him they took no charge of the pot, but onely
desired the Drawer to cause Wine to be burnt, that he had accordingly
set it down by the fire, and without their handling or touching it, the
pot was melted. So, said the Justice, and did neither of you drink of
the Wine? No, not one drop, replyed the old men, and yet we offered to
pay for the Wine, and give sixpence towards mending the pot. This is
more than you shall need to do, said the Justice, & then he thuss
proceeded to mine Host.
Friend, with what confidence can you demand any money of these men that
had nothing of you? since you would not do them justice, I will; I do
hereby acquit them from paying any thing for Wine, because they never
had any; and for the melting the pot, how did they do it? It was not
they, but your servant who drew the Wine, who had he filled the pot full
of wine, the fire could not have melted it; for I very well understand
that the pot was melted no further than it was empty: And further,
continued the Justice, this shall not serve your turn, for I shall Fine
you for not filling your pot; Your Crime is very apparent and evident,
and so shall your punishment be, and I order you, as a Fine, to pay down
Twenty shillings for your misdemeanor, or else I shall make your
_Mittimus_, and send you to Prison. Thus was the Case altered, and the
Tale was now of another Hog; for mine Host who expected satisfaction,
was forced to give it, and that immediatly, or else go to Prison.
This went against the hair, but Necessity hath no Law, and therefore
down he paid the money, and came home heartily vexed, not so much for
the money he had paid, as for the disgrace he received; for he was now
become the Town-talk: But however, since he could not help the disgrace,
he was forced to be contented with that; but for his loss, he soon
fetch’d it up either in false measures, Over-reckonings, or some such
practises as I have told you. And besides these extraordinary gains he
made by Drink, he had his ways to cheat in Victuals, he would reckon for
a Dish of anchoves that stood him in ten pence, or a shilling, two
shillings or half a Crown at the least; and carry them in a large Dish
an inch asunder from one another. _Whestphalia_ Ham of Bacon he would
cut so thin, and make such a large show of a little meat, that he would
reckon two shillings for that which stood him in two groats; nay, and
sometimes be paid six pence for fouling of Linnen to it. A Neats-tongue
of two shillings, he would reckon four shillings, or four shillings six
pence for it, nay though they were cheated of part of it, as I remember
he was caught in the manner about one. A Neat’s-tongue being call’d for,
and carried in to the Guests, but first (as the manner is) it was slit
down quite through the middle, and not barely so, but mine Hostess her
self had gelded it, and cut off from each side a fine large slice, which
she intended for some other Gentlemen in the House, to draw down
th’other Bottle of wine. This Neats-tongue being carried to the Guests,
one of them complained of the cutting it, saying, he had rather have had
it whole; for (said he) there is less loss in cutting it in slices
cross-ways than this. Why (said another) you may do so still, and
thereupon he took the Tongue and clapt it together again, but it would
not come close by above half an inch; and they discovered the place,
where it had been pared, to look wide like a mouth: they perceiving the
cheat, were resolv’d to try a little farther experiment, and therefore
called in for mine Host, who with a _Sit you merry Gentlemen_ came in:
Landlord (said one) I pray what do you reckon for this Neats-Tongue? Not
above four shillings, or four shillings sixpence, said he: I but that is
too much reply’d the man, this is but a little one, and I think not a
whole one. How! reply’d mine Host, not a whole one! that were a good
jest indeed; I say tis a whole one, and a large one too. I’le wager a
quart of Sack (said the Gentleman) that you are mistaken; Done, said
mine Host: whereupon the Neats-Tongue was clapt together, and mine Host
quickly saw that he had lost; he began to flounce and fluster, saying,
that some of the company had done it; but leaving the Room, and going to
his wife in the Kitchin, he soon found that he had lost indeed: the
company being good guests to the house he was unwilling to displease
them; wherefore he drew a quart of wine, went in and acknowledged his
error, and paid for it, excusing the matter as well as he could, and
they took all in good part. Thus was he sometimes caught, and paid for
it; but not once in twenty times but he caught his guests, and made them
pay for it. They would not only cheat their guests, but their own
servants bellies; for except they had good trading, that the Servants
might feed on the reversione of their guests dinners, they were like to
go without, or at least have a poor one: she was very niggardly, and
when they had salt fish, which was commonly once a week, she would allow
them neither Oyl nor Butter, but only Mustard, but she was broken of
that custom in this manner; after they had one day din’d with fish,
drest as I tell you, down stairs went one servant, then another, and so
one after another they all dropt away and went into the Cellar; where
when they were come, the Drawer said, now to our old Custom, that is,
since we have had no oyl nor butter, to our fish, we will soak it in
sack, my friends, and that of the best, every one his half pint, and so
away to our business: mine Host having some business with some of the
servants, and finding them all missing, went to the Cellar door, and
there he not only heard this proposition made by the Drawer, but saw it
also confirmed and executed; whereupon he went to his wife, and
commanded her for the future to allow his servants not onely oyl with
their mustard to their salt fish, but butter and eggs too if they would
have it, and so they had for the future. I have known mine Host sell and
take money for one Joynt of meat twice, in this manner: when a Feast
hath been above stairs, Joynts of Meat, and Fowles that have hardly been
touched, have been brought down and sold to guests below, as fresh
brought from the fire, at a very good rate: indeed no opportunity hath
been omitted, to gain money. There was a pretty passage hapned about a
couple of guests, that upon occasion lay there two or three nights
together; thus it was: two men came one night to lodge, and being not
well in health, it having been cold and rainy, they desired a good fire
in their Chamber, which they had without any supper, or any drink, but a
quart of burnt wine, and so they went to bed: the next day proving cold
and rainy and their business not being very urgent, they continued
there, and kept their Chamber, with little victuals, and as little
drink; but however they kept a good fire, and mine Host seeing they had
little else but fireing, was resolved he would get sufficiently by that,
and therefore the next morning when they call’d to know what was to pay,
he reckoned them ten shillings for fireing for two nights and one day:
this demand they thought was very unreasonable, but, they knew that they
could not help themselves, for he would have what he demanded; and
besides, to say truth, firing was very scarce and dear in that Country:
the two Travellers paid their shot, and intended to leave the house, but
the weather proved so cold and stormy, they could not; wherefore they
were forced to stay; but they resolved withall to be better Husbands of
their fireing than they had been, but could not tell how, till in the
end looking about the house they saw a great old fashion’d Bed-stead,
that lay useless in a Hole: they not telling for what use, asked my
Landlord the price of it, who not dreaming of their purpose, in few
words sold it to them for five shillings; when they had bought it, they
hired a fellow for one shilling to cut it in pieces fit for fireing; and
now being furnished with fewel, they resolved to keep a good fire which
they did, and calling for mine Host, and a quart of wine, bad him
welcome to their good Husbandry; for the wood they had bought of the
bed-stead was as much agen as they had paid ten shillings for, wherefore
they made a good fire, and sung old rose in the gun-room. Mine Host
being thus beaten at his own weapons, and his own Goods by himself sold
to his loss, was somewhat netled, and discovered his anger to his
servants. Master (said the unhappy boy) if you please I’le be revenged
of them: do if you can (said the Master) not doing mischief. The boy
having a commission, was not long e’re he put it in execution; for
joyning another Servant in confederacy with him, they went that evening
to wait on the two guests, when among other matters they talked of
spirits and apparitions; quoth the boy, we are often troubled with them
here, and especially in this Chamber: I am sorry for that (said one of
our Travellers) for I am very fearful of any such things: and thus the
boy possed them with fear of that which he intended and executed; for
about midnight he and his confederate took a Calf out of the Cow-house,
and tying his four legs together, but so as he might not only stand, but
go a little; they put him into our Travellers chamber, and there waited
the event; it was not long e’re the Calf began to pace it about the
Room, making an unusual noise; and in this manner he continued stamping
till both our Travellers were awake, who hearing the noise, were
possessed with fear and astonishment, supposing it to be a spirit that
was told them of: thereupon they shrunk close into the bed for fear; the
noise continuing, and no harm or danger coming to them, at length one of
them consented to rise and light a candle to see what was the matter; a
candle was found, and some remains of fire being still in the chimney,
thither he went: and stooping down fell a blowing with his mouth to
light the candle, the Calf seeing a light, went thitherwards, and
espying somewhat that was pendulous between the Travellers Legs, and
taking it to be his Mother Cows Teat, thrust his chaps thitherwards, and
seizing it in his mouth, fell full lustily to sucking, the Traveller
perceiving himself caught by the Members, and not knowing by what, and
being in fear of losing them, fell a roaring very loud, to the great
sorrow and grief of his bed-fellow, and as great joy of our unhappy Boy
and his Confederate.
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