_The Boy learns, and practises Vaulting and tumbling, the maid servant
attempting to do the like, is intangled, caught in the manner, and
laughed at: she puts a trick upon a Puritanical Church-Warden, and
makes the boy by another trick, to lye in bed, and lose his dinner; he
is revenged on her by a Gunpowder plot._
Mrs. _Dorothy_ putting a stop to her discourse, gave us conveniency and
leisure to express our satisfaction by our laughter, in which we
continued for some space, and then rehearsing and commenting on what she
had told us, we again renewed our laughter, she joyning with us in the
same exercise, when we had put a stop to our mirth, she thus continued.
Truly, Friends, I did think I might a little divert you by my relation;
but I see you are pleased much better than I expected, and if you are so
well contented with this which is but a taste of what I can tell you, I
am sure the rest would be much more delightful; but being desirous to
put an end to my discourse, by relating to you such matters as only
concern my self, till my arrival here, I therefore beg your excuse. Nay,
replyed I, and Mistress _Mary_, you must not refuse us the request we
both make you, of proceeding in these pleasing Adventures of your
houshold; and, continued I, it is enough to know and find you are here
with us, we are satisfied in that, and hope you will give us the other
satisfaction we desire; and I pray be as full and free in your recital
as you can, for we cannot think any thing to be tedious that is so
pleasant; she hearing my desires, after few excuses, agreed thereto; and
thereupon she thus reassumed the discourse.
The poor under Hostler being thus descended from his place of Torment,
was almost in as pitiful a plight as one taken down from the Gibbet half
hanged to be quartered; he had as little motion or sense; for he was
almost suffocated with the smoak that ascended and flew up his nose, and
down his throat; and as Malefactors do (as they say) piss for fear, or
some other cause, so had he done; and not only so, but we could perceive
somewhat else, of a yellowish colour, that had soaked through his
breeches, run down his stockings, so that few would touch him; but at
length, the Hostler, his superiour, considering his condition and former
good service, took him up, and carried him to his bed adjoyning to the
Stable; where, with the assistance of _Aqua vitæ_, he was soon brought
to his former senses. Our young Rogue in the mean time lying in the
Hay-loft over him, laughing at the roguery he had done, and the groans
he heard the poor fellow fetch, were as so many instruments of musick to
raise his laughter to the higher pitch.
This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine
tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole
house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some,
whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his
business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house,
and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the
boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they
made them drink to one another, and become Friends.
The boy being thus freed from punishment, set his wits at work, how he
might employ his time to the best advantage, and be getting of money as
well as the rest of the Family did; and soon after there being a fair at
our Town, among other fooleries that attended it, there were a parcel of
Rope-Dancers, and Tumblers; our boy was Master of so much money, as to
see them two or three times; and having very much affection to that
quality, he purchased acquaintance with such another Crack Rope as
himself, who was a very nimble and active youth at the Art of Vaulting;
him he invites to our house, and treating him with such as the House
afforded, by all means desires his instructions in that nimble mistery;
he soon assented, and our boy being ingenuous, and very willing to
learn, soon attains to the knowledg of this mistery, and taking all
opportunities of practising, could soon leap through a hoop, vault over
two or three joynt stools, tumble on the ground in various manners; and
being a pretty proficient, had money several times given him by Guests
that came to our house, for shewing his tricks; by vertue of his money
he would brag and vapour as well as the best in the house; and the rest
of the servants seeing his gain would attempt to do the like, but many
times came off with the breaking of their shins; amongst the rest, the
Cook maid had a mighty great itch to learn and practise some of these
tricks belike, supposing that if he, who was a boy, did get so much
money by them, that then she might gain much more being a maid; and that
she might as well do them as he; the obstacle of Petticoats she removed
by, resolving when she had learned, to have a pair of Breeches and
Doublet for that purpose, and that she questioned not, but to get money
enough, it being a greater Novelty to see a woman in breeches; but
before she purchased them, she resolved to practice in her ordinary
Habit, her Petticoats, and did so when she had convenient time and
place; so that she likewise could perform somwhat in that practice. One
time most of the other servants being abroad, she was sent into the
Cellar to draw a Gallon Pot full of Claret Wine; she believing it would
be some time ere it were full, by reason it ran only through a small
Cane whilest the Pot was filling, she lies down on her back, and
resolved now to try whether she could put her feet in her neck, in order
to practice some new trick of tumbling; shee soon put one there, and
with some difficulty likewise put the other, when she had so done, she
could not possibly undoe what she had done, her feet were as fast to her
neck, as if they had grown there; and though she tumbled and tossed, yet
it was all to no purpose, for she could not by any means disentangle, or
disengage her self from the posture she was in; she finding her self in
this condition, knew not what to do, for the Pot was now full, and the
Wine ran about the Cellar, and with tumbling about she had made her
Coats to fly about her ears; at length she resolved to cry out, hoping
her Mistress, or some other of the females of the house might hear her,
and come to her rescue; this resolution she put in execution, and cryed
out amain, help, help; we were all in the Room over her, and therefore
soon heard her voice, but not knowing whose, or what was the matter;
mine Host at length said to the boy, sirrah, run down into Cellar, and
see what is the matter there; the boy did so, and after some little stay
came up again, and cryes out, Oh Heavens! Master, I think our Cook-maid
is murthered for I went down, and there lyes her body without a Head,
and a great deal of blood about her (which was the spilt Claret) but,
said his Master, are you sure her head was off? yes, yes, said the boy,
come see how it is cut of from the neck; and yet, continued he, I cannot
think she is yet dead, for she moved her hands, and still cryes out, but
her head I cannot find. Mine Host hearing of this strange matter, soon
ran down into the Cellar, which was not so dark, nor he so dim sighted,
but he presently discovered how the matter was. The only thing he did,
was to stop the Wine from running out, by putting the spiggot into the
faucet, and so returned up to us, and told us that the boy was a little
mistaken; but such a sight had he seen as was very unusual; and
thereupon desires us to desend into the Cellar, and see what he had
done; no sooner had he said so; but our curiosities likewise induced us
to go down, where in short time we likewise had the satisfaction of
seeing this strange sight: how said I, this is some Monster, and it
would do well to keep it in this manner till the next fair, and then we
may gain more by it then all the Tumblers did. A pox of Tumbling, said
mine Hostess, I believe this came from that Exercise.
We thus having spent our Verdicts, helped the wench to disingage her
self, and put her in her wonted natural posture; but when she was so,
she was not come to her self, so much was she spent with strugling, and
her joynts were so out of order, that we were forced to lead her up
stairs, and put her to bed.
She was mightily ashamed at this mischance, so that we could hardly
perswade her to be seen by anybody; but the boy was as well pleased, as
she was troubled; it was honey and nuts to him to tell the guests, how
the Cook-maid could do some feats of activity, as well as he, and then
relate to them, in what posture he found her. Much sport was made upon
this account; and although the Wench was shy at first in being seen, yet
in time she bore it out bravely, when the guests gave her money to talk
with her about this Adventure.
By this means the wench became a great Enemy to the boy, and did him
many shrew’d turns, but durst not meddle with his body politick,
dreading the danger she should run into by the harmes of others who had
been his persecutors; wherefore she was forced to let him alone as to
matter of action, only now and then she would exercise her wit upon him,
in which she seldome came off but with the disadvantage. She was famous
for this her trick of activity, by which she got money, but much more by
another, which she soon after effected, and came more clearly off with
it: It was then in time of rebellion, and all observations of
_Christmas_, _Easter_, _Whitsontide_, or any Holy-days, were by the
Factious accounted superstitious, especially any observation of
_Christmas_; and therefore, the more to cross the desire and humour of
those who would observe the feast of _Christmas_, the men then in power
commanded a strict fast to be on that day kept and observed, with
penalties on all those who should dress any victuals; and althorough the
Town, and especially our house, was of another perswation, yet such was
the prevalency of the Faction, that it, was strictly observed; & it was
given out that the Officers of the Town would search houses, to find and
punish Offenders. Our Cook-maid hearing of this, was resolved to put a
trick upon the Officers; who about the middle of Sermon time came
attended with a Guard, to see and examine our Kitching, where they found
not the Jack a going, yet they found a good fire, and the pot a boyling:
_How now_, said Master Church warden, _How dare you break the Lawes, by
dressing victuals on this day? What have you in the Pot?_ Quoth the
Maid, _Nothing but plumb porridg? How,_ said the Church-warden,
_Superstitious Porridg? this is a very great offence, and deserves as
great punishment, to do thus in contempt of the Laws; I will see your
Master fined for this, and severely punished. Well_, replyed she, _but I
pray, Master_ Church-warden, _be not so angry, but be pacified; which I
know you will be, when you see further what is in the Pot, and with what
the porridge are made; and lest you should mistake I will shew you_;
whereupon she went to the Pot and took out a large pair of Rams-horns,
and said, _Look you_, Master Church-warden, _this is the meat; how like
you it? I hope so well, that you will tast of the broath your self
without scruple of conscience?_ The case was so plain, and
Master-Church-warden was so sensible that he was jeer’d, that he made
all possible haste out of the house, threatning what he would do to the
Wench, who now only laughed at him, as did some of his attendants, who
knew the Church-warden was very sensible of the affront, his wife being
one of those who wore cork-heeld shoes, which made her pass for a light
Huswife, as indeed she was.
This trick which our Maid put upon the Churchwarden, raised a great
noise in the Town and Country, and brought all the Cavileers to our
house, who gave her somewhat to her box, so that she was very happy in
this project, and our Host had very great Custom.
But still the Boy and Wench could not agree to set their horses
together; for his business was to be up in the morning with the first,
and help her make her fire, this he could not indure, for he loved his
bed mightily well, and would rather want his belly full of victuals,
then sleep, he had liberty to lye a bed on a _Sunday_ so long as he
pleased, because then they had few guests; wherefore he would constantly
lye by it, till dinner time, which he knew by the jack going; for so
long as the jack went, so long would he lie by it, but when that was
stopt, he thought it was time, to rise to dinner.
The wench observing that he observed this Custome was resolved to put a
trick on him, and therefore one _Sunday_ though dinner was dressed by
twelve a clock, and eaten by one, yet she let the Jack go on till four a
Clock after-noon, still the boy lay listning to the Jacks going; and
hearing that go still on, gave himself to lazyness, and took many a
sweet turn, which she laughed at heartily; at length she stopt the Jack,
and immediately the boy arose, and came down stairs (for he lay in a
small loft over the Kitchin) to see what was become of the roast; but he
found none in the Kitchin, nor Hall, nor no body in the house but the
wench; who seeing him search about for his Dinner, and asking her
questions about the affairs of the belly, she could not answer him for
laughing; but soon after the family returning from Church, he discovered
his own mistake, and her roguery; for this, he resolved on a revenge,
which he had upon her the next day, when, a considerable dinner being to
be dressed; he was called up in the morning to make a fire; he did so,
and was more than ordinarily diligent, for he laid a row of Cinders,
then fresh Coals, then a row of gun powder, then a row of Cinders, then
more gun-powder, and so Cinders, till this pile of building was erected;
that done, he slightly kindled it and departed, going on an errand out
of the Town. The Wench not knowing, or distrusting the intended
mischief, hung on her Pot; and both the Spits of Geese, Capons, and
other Fowls; but before they were a quarter roasted, the train of Powder
took; with that up flew the Pot; and both the Spits, with all the Fowl,
took a second flight; the Wench was amazed, and the Dinner spoiled, for
the ashes and Cinders had made all the Fowls of a sad colour: so that
the Wench stamped and swore, as if she had been bewitch’d.
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