_Mrs_ Dorothy _relates several passages in the Inn: as, how the Host
drew Guests to his House, and then cheated them: the Boy by his
Example, attempts to cheat, but is taken in the manner; is beaten by
his Mistris, but is revenged of her and his Master; is turned over to
be corrected by the Under Hostle, but is wittily, and pleasantly
revenged on him._
I was now (continued Mrs _Dorothy_) rid of my great Belly, and instead
of that, had a great Bag of money; and my Child being thus provided for,
as I have told you, I retired from the place where I had lain in
private, now to appear in publick at the House of my very good friend,
the old _Crony_; part of whose Adventures I have already related to you:
and since you have not thought me tedious in the discourse I have
already made you, I shall give you an account of some such Transactions
in her House, during my stay there, which, I believe, will be no less
pleasant than what you have already heard: and then having made a short
pause, we thuss proceeded.
[Illustration]
The whole Family, consisting of her self, her Husband, a Son of about
twenty four years of Age, and Daughter about nineteen, a Chamberlain, a
Tapster or Winer, an Hostler, Cook-maid, Scullion, and two or three
boyes; who were imployed under the others, were all alike, knavish
enough, all guilty of such unparallel’d Knaveries as I have rarely heard
of; and knowing of one anothers tricks, they out-vyed one another,
striving and contending which should exceed in Roguery, and so sly and
cunningly they carried it, that ’twas difficult to discover them,
especially when they all joyned together to cheat or abuse any body; but
when they fell out among themselves, they made excellent sport in acting
the revenges they took upon one another. My Landlord loved his pleasure
and profit so equally, that he made it his business to contrive how to
joyn them together; and although he commonly had the best Custom of any
house in the town, yet he would practice wayes to gain, and bring in
more; among other wayes, he used this for one. He would take his Horse
in an Afternoon, and ride out some ten or twelve miles, and so return
home again; but he seldome came home, but he brought Guests with him,
which he would take up by the way, thus.
If he saw a parcel of Travellers, who he thought to be good fellowes,
and fit for his purpose, he would then enquire which way, and how far
they travelled; to this they commonly answered, directly; and if they
were for our Town, then he would joyn with them; and soon after, his
second question would be, to know if they were acquainted at the Town,
and at what Inn they would take up their Quarters: If they were
strangers, and by that means indifferent of the place where they should
lodge; then he told them, that the best Inn in the Town was his House,
but not naming it to be his, or that he had any Interest in it, but only
that he knew there was a good Hostess, who had a handsome Daughter that
would use them well; and he seldom missed with this Bait to win them to
agree to go thither with him, and accordingly to bring them home with
him. But if they would not agree upon the place, and he saw there was no
good to be done, then he would pretend some excuse to stay behind them,
& would wait for such company as would at all points be for his turn;
and with them would he enter the House as a Stranger: indeed he would
call the Chamberlain, Hostler, and Tapster, by their Names; but they,
who knew their Duties, would in no case shew any Duty to him. Then would
he, as being acquainted in the House, tell his Fellow Travellers what
provisions there was for Supper, and would be sure to draw them up to
the highest Bill of Fare he could. If the Hostess, or her Daughters
company were desired, he would be the forwardest to call them, and only
treat and converse with them as of some small acquaintance; after
supper, he would endeavour to draw on the Company to drink high, and use
all possible means to enflame the reckoning; and when he saw they were
well heated with wine, and the fury of their expences was over, he would
pretend, out of good Husbandry, to call for a Reckoning before they went
to bed, that they might not be mis-reckoned, or staid from the pursuit
of their Journey in the Morning; to this they would commonly agree, and
the Sum total of the reckoning being cast up, he would be the first man
that would, without scruple, or inquiry into the particulars, lay down
his share, and by his examples, the rest would follow; if any did
question the dearness of the Victuals, or the quantity of the drink, he
would by one means or other take them off, protesting that the Hostess
was too honest to mis-reckon them, and that he had kept a just account
himself, and was well satisfied; or else he should be as cautious from
parting from his money as any of them; and then they, not distrusting
him further, would by his example pay the shot. Thus would he many
times, by his Crown or six shillings share, mis-reckon on them sixteen
or twenty shillings; especially if they came to high drinking: and then
the reckoning being paid, they went to bed, he retiring with his wife,
and he would lye abed in the morning, and let them march off alone; but
if they, in the Morning, did fall to drinking again, taking a hair of
the Old Dog, then would he up, and at them again, make one at that
sport, and many times put them out of capacity to Travel that day, and
so keep them there to his profit, and their expences; he shifting his
Liquor, and in the end, shifting himself out of their Companies, when he
has seen his Conveniency, leaveing them to pay roundly for their folly.
If they enquired after him, my Hostess would pretend he was a Chance
Guest, as they were, only, she had seen him the last year, or such like;
and thus he would force a Trade, and enjoy his pleasure and profit, by
joyning them together; and this course did he frequently use when Guests
came not in of their own accord; so that our house was seldome empty.
As mine Host, who was the Head and Chief of the House, had his tricks,
so had the rest of the Family theirs, even the least in the House; for
there was an unhappy boy, who was sometimes with the maid in the
Kitchin, sometimes with the Tapster, attending Guests in their lodgings,
and other times, with the Hostler and Horses in the Stable; this boy,
though he was little was witty; and seeing that every one had their
tricks, he cast about how he might have his, and have some profit in the
Adventure; so that one day, mine Host being abroad, and the Tapster out
of the way, he drew the drink; and not only the Beer, but carried
bottles of wine to the Guests, & seeing them in a merry vain, he thought
to try his skill at mis-reckoning them; and for six bottles which he
carried into them when they came to pay, he reckoned them eight; and
though there was some questioning of the truth, yet he justified it, and
stood to it, that he had the reckoning he demanded.
This being his first considerable attempt in this Nature, for he had
gained two shillings for himself, he was resolved to keep the prize for
himself; and therefore putting that up in his Pocket, he delivered the
rest at the Bar; the reckoning being wiped out.
But the Company falling into discourse, in short time called for more
wine, and then the Tapster being returned, he officiated in the boyes
place, and turning him into the stable; more wine they had, and staying
longer than ordinary, and falling again to drinking, they quaffed off
the other half dozen bottles of wine, and then calling to pay, the
Tapster, thinking to put his old trick of mis-reckoning in practice,
told them, there were seven bottles to pay; but one of the company who
was more cautious than the rest, had made his observation, and every
bottle that was brought in, he unbuttoned a button, and so was able to
aver and justify that there was but six; and withal, the rest of the
company believing him, they all fell a ranting, vowing that they would
pay for no more, and farther alledging that they were mis-reckoned one
or two bottles in the last reckoning; the Tapster, although he was
guilty as to himself, yet he did not believe them as to the other
reckoning, because he could not imagine, that the boy would be so bold
as to attempt to cheat them, and therefore he huff’d as high as they in
justification of the boy and himself; and such a noise they made, that
the Hostess went in to know the cause of that clamour: they at first
were so hot on both sides, that they would not hear her speak, neither
did they speak reasonably themselves; but in the end she understood the
matter, that they were wronged of one or two bottles by the Boy, and one
by the Tapster; she hearing the matter, did not so much stand to
justifie and vindicate the Tapster, whom she did imagine was guilty, but
as for the boy, she was very confident, that he had not wronged them,
and when the heat of their anger was somewhat over, she examined
particulars enquiring how many bottles they paid for, they said eight:
she who had not so soon forgotten what she had received, averred that
she had but six _shillings_ for wine, and therefore it was a mistake;
they still aledged _eight_, and she _six_, till now nobody could end the
controversie but the boy, who was sought after, and in short time found
in the hayloft asleep, or meditating how he should bestow his purchased
Treasure; but being found, he was without any questions there
immediately led away before the Gentlemen and his Mistress, who were to
be judges of this matter of fact. The question was soon stated to him,
and he too well understood the matter, which he stoutly deny’d, but
there was quickly such clear evidence appeared against him, that he was
found guilty; for he not dreaming or mistrusting any such matter, had
not conveyed the money away, so but that the pockets being searched,
there the two _shillings_ were found, to the great shame and confusion
of the small delinquent: this was to the great amazement of the Guests,
his Mistress, and the Tapster; but the money being laid down, and two
bottles wine being brought in for it, the Gentlemen were well enough
pleased, and made no further enquiry into the other bottle, which the
Tapster had likewise mis-reckoned them; so that he scaped without shame
or punishment, so did not the boy, who was not only ashamed, but was
ordered to be severely punished, and therefore the next morning was
fetched up by the under Hostler, (one who was not so wise as the boy,
though in growth he was much biggar) with a Cat of nine tailes, which
gave so great an impression on the poor boyes buttocks, that he was
resolved on a revenge, which he effected, as I shall presently tell you.
This boy was now looked on as an errant cunning Rogue, and one who
without good looking to would be too wise for them all, for he had
presumed to mis-reckon two _shillings_ in six _shillings_, and put it
all into his own pocket, whereas the Tapster who was a proficient in
cheating, and licensed therein (but with this _proviso_, that half of
what he gained thereby was to be paid to his Mistress) only endeavoured
to mis-reckon one _shilling_ in six; so that, I say, the boy was
narrowly watched, and had many a blow on the back, and box on the ear,
more than formerly; he who knew he had deserved it, for he was guilty of
many petty waggeries, was forced to bear, but however he made provision
against it, for his Mistress using to pommel him on the shoulders with
her fist, he one time took a paper of pins, sticking them with the
points upwards, placed them between his Doublet and Cassock; and his
Mistress striking him, as she was wont to do, did light upon the pins,
pricked her hand till the blood ran down her fingers ends, and the boy
running away, she could not imagine how this was done, for she saw
nothing upon his coat, that should cause it; so the boy getting away,
removed the paper with pins, and there was an end of the matter for that
time. The Mistress finding she had suffered by striking him on the
shoulders, would come no more there with her bare hands; but used a
cudgel, if it were near her, and if not she would use to slap him on the
mouth with the back of her hand; and one time, he being in the Kitchen,
and she running after him to strike him, he claps a knife, which lay
near him, into his mouth, with the edge outwards, she not minding that,
but endeavouring and intending to give him a great blow did so, but to
her cost, for she cut her knuckles in such pitious manner, that the
blood ran down abundantly, and now it was no fooling matter, but
Chyrurgions work, wherefore one was sent for, and the boy ran away to
his wonted dormitory, the hay-loft. The Mistress took her Chamber, and
towards Evening the Master came home, and bringing with him some Guests,
he soon missed his wife, and thereby knew the occasion of her
retirement, and it was not long ere he saw the boy, the Authour of the
harm; he therefore took up a cudgel, and ran hastily after the Boy, who
fearing the danger, betook him to his heels, and ran cross a dunghill in
the yard; the Master being eager to pursue the boy, did not take the
same course the boy had done, who had passed over a board he had laid
there on purpose, but the Master missing of that, went on one side, and
fell into a great filthy hole, which by reason of much wet and rain, was
there slightly covered; and had he not been helped out by the Hostler,
he might have stifled; he having recovered his feet, left the pursuit of
the boy, and was forc’d to be conducted to bed, which was to his great
grief and dammage, for he had spoiled his cloaths, wet himself, and
which was worst of all, he by this means was disappointed of his purpose
in making a prey of his guests he had brought in with him to that
purpose. But the Tapster and others, did their best in that behalf, and
the Boy was again committed to the disciplination of the under Hostler,
who by the command of his Master, almost flead the poor boys buttocks.
The Boy was now revenged of his Master and Mistress, who finding him so
unlucky, had no great mind to meddle with him, neither did the Boy
studdy any revenge upon them; but so often as he saw the under-Hostler,
who had now twice been his tormentor, his blood would boyle at him, and
all his study was to be even with him; and thereupon he watched for all
opportunities, and it was not long ere he found one. There was meat at
the fire to be roasted, and he was ordered to look to and wind up the
Jack, which was made to go by a stone weight, which was fastned to
pulleys, and when the Jack was woond up, the stone weight being on the
out-side of the house, was drawn up two storyes high, to the eves of the
house; the boy observing this, and that the Jack-weight was down, and
seeing his Enemy the under Hostler in the Yard, just by the jack-weight
he lifted that off from the hook, and conveighed it under the girdle of
the Hostler, just behind, he not perceiving it: when he had thus done,
he ran into the Kitchin, and woond up the Jack, the Hostler being none
of the wisest, wondered what it was that first of all held him by the
back, and afterwards drew him up from the ground; but it was too late
ere he discovered the truth, for he was now hanging in the aire; his
girdle was of strong leather, with a great brass buckle and thong, which
he could not possibly undo; neither durst he attempt it for fear of
falling, and therefore he was in short time drawn up to the top; the boy
not thinking this revenge not enough, seeing no body came, proceeded
further, and taking a parcel of wet horse-litter, and some dry hay, he
placed it just underneath the Hostler, and set fire to it, which made
such a smother and smoke, that the poor Hostler was almost choaked,
wherefore he roared out most hideously; the boy having done all he
intended, said, _Now remember the Cat with nine tayles_, and so ran
away; by this time the Hostler made so much noise, and the jack
together, being forced by weight to go faster than ordinary, that at the
noise all the houshold ran to see what was the matter, when, in short,
there was found the poor Hostler hanging between heaven and earth, and
with coughing and roaring he purged forwards and backwards, but most
backwards; in regard his girdle forced it downwards by pressing and
gripeing his stomach, so that he was in a most lamentable pickle; and so
great was the astonishment of all the beholders, that he was come down
almost to the bottom, ere the smoaking hay was removed, or he relieved;
but at length down he came, and thus ended this adventure.
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