_Mrs._ Dorothy _goes with her new Acquaintance, who perswades her to
accommodate a barren Gentlewoman a friend of hers, with her child, as
soon as born. A character of this Gentlewoman, and her amorous
practices: the manner of her being rob’d by one of her Gallants; he is
apprehended and executed. Mrs._ Dorothy _is delivered of a Boy, who is
made Heir to a great Estate, and she highly rewarded for her consent._
The Old Woman having thus finisht her Story, she addrest her self to me,
saying, Dear Heart, you see how free I have been with you, not
concealing from your knowledg any one remarkable passage of my life,
though never so infamous or scandalous. I, and though our acquaintance
is very young, yet put your confidence in me, and question not, but that
I shall so assist you in the management of your concerns, that you shall
have cause to thank me as long as you live. Hereupon she acquainted me,
that there was a Gentleman (not far off) well known to her, that had
been married a dozen years and upwards to a very beautiful, and well
proportion’d Gentlewoman; yet had no issue by her; that for want of an
Heir, the Estate after his decease would fall to the younger Brother;
that it was a very great grief to the Gentleman, but especially to his
Wife; and (said she) this Gentlewoman knowing me to be a person fit to
be advised withal about matters of this nature, often sent for me to her
house, where some years since, I counselled her to make trial, whether
she or Husband was in fault; in order thereunto I have helpt her at
times to the enjoyment of at least a score of several lusty young
Persons. And because I would take the surest way, she never had more
than one at one time, and him neither not above a quarter of a year
together; he then frustrating our expectations, I counsell’d her to make
tryal of another. The first I made choice of for her, was a proper young
flaxen-hair’d man, tall and slender; a delicate young man he was indeed,
whose complexion (being Sanguine) furnished him with more heat than is
in any other temperature; which made his hair like fine threads of Gold,
twirl in rings, or rather you might call them the lines and hooks with
which the little wanton God of love did usually angle for female hearts;
had you seen them, you would have sworn that they were sufficient to
catch the heart of a _Vestal-Maiden_, or the most resolved _Votaress to
Chastity_, that ever had a being. His eyes, quick and nimble, and
penetrateing; he had a strong fancy, a quick invention, and a most
incomparable utterance; and his carriage and deportment was incredible
winning; whose single touch of the hand was sufficient to have thaw’d
the most congealed-frozen temper in the world into affection.
Notwithstanding all these allurements, and feir promising properties
with near upon an half years mutual converse with each other, she found
her expectations frustrated.
Being resolved to make further tryal (for she would not be convinc’d
that she was either defective or barren,) she consulted me, how she
might be rid of this her amorous Hot-spur, and have some other in his
place, of a different constitution; alleadging that she being of the
same complexion, she verily believed her impregnancy proceeded thence;
saying further, that she had heard several, as Well Physitions as others
strongly affirm, that the grand reason, why several Women have no
children, was the too near affinity of their husbands complexion and
constitution to their own; and that on the other side, none more
infallible enjoy’d the fruits of their labours, the offspring of their
bodies, than such, whose corporal temperaments were dissimilar or
different.
Understanding her humour, I was resolved to comply with her in
whatsoever she desired (being so profitable a friend to me) but I knew
not how to displace her Sanguine complexion’d Gallant, who grew by this
time a most passionate Lover; at length I bethought me to perswade him
to sollicite her waiting Gentlewoman, making him believe that she was
ardently in love with him, and that she had a good Sum by her, which
would infallibly be at his devotion; my credulous young Gamester
greedily swallowed my advice, and followed to a hair my dictations;
having won her (for I know not who could withstand him) he came to me,
and informed me of the time, and place, that he should commence those
delights they intended to continue as long as life lasted; being joyful
of this opportunity, I presently addrest my self to my Mistris, giving
an account to her of her friends new courtship, and when it should be
consumated; advising her to watch them, and catch them in the act, by
which means she should be freed from his future addresses, and likewise
confirm her Maids secresie and fidelity to her. All which she performed,
by threatning her Maid to turn her away, and shame her to boot, if ever
she associated her self, or entertained him again in her house; and
calling him false, faithless man, and I know not what, banisht him for
ever from her presence for his unconstancy.
The next Dick I pickt up for her was a man of a colour as contrary to
the former, as light is to darkness, being swarthy; whose hair was as
black as a sloe; middle statur’d, well set, both strong and active, a
man so universally tryed, and so fruitfully succesful, that there was
hardly any female within ten miles gotten with child in hugger-mugger,
but he was more than suspected to be Father of all the legitimate. Yet
this too, proved an ineffectual Operator. She now began to suspect
herself of barrenness; but being prompted with hopes, and strangely
induced by the sense of pleasure which she reapt in the variety of her
amorous Confidents, she resolved on a third, a Gentle-man of her own
election, who having been a considerable time a Student in the Inns of
Court, was returned into the Country, to enjoy that plentiful estate his
lately deceas’d father had left him, the antient Seat of his Ancestors;
of stature so low, that he could but just take the upper-hand of a
dwarf, being only elevated by the pole above him. She was fain at first
to Court him, instead of his courting her: and indeed, I could not see
how he could presume (without her encouragement) to caress a Gyantess,
so much taller than himself.
There was not so great a disproportion in their bodies, as there were
conformity and agreeableness in their wills; and that the Soul of his
which was coopt up, and confined within too narrow limits, became more
active and vigorous; so that attacking her with a lively and sprightful
courage possessed himself of the garrison without a tedious siege of a
12 months courtship, his hair was of a darkish brown, or chest-nut
colour, not handsome enough to be a woman, yet too fair to be a man.
Though he was not tall, yet nature exprest no irregularity in his
formation: being symmetrical, or proportionably composed from the lines
of his face you might have collected Capital Letters enough to have
spelt a Gentleman; and not an action, or expression of his (excepting
this of his too intimate familiarity with another mans wife) which did
not largely declare the immensity of his Soul, and the virtues that
thereunto belonged.
So dearly she loved him, (that notwithstanding he did not answer her
expeditions in making her Belly swell) she so doted on his Company, and
converse, that she gave her husband too many palpable causes to suspect
her honesty, and integrity towards him. Not, but that for the sake of an
Heir, (which he question’d whether he should ever get himself) he would
be content to wink (as he hath done several times) at the freedome his
wife hath taken with several others besides himself. But looking on my
little dapper squire to be to little for that purpose, and that would
come short home, as to that business, took an occasion to affront him,
that it might produce a quarrel, that should eloign him from his house,
and further intimacy with his wife. However, though he had low and
undervaluing thoughts of this Gentleman, by reason of his stature, yet
he found him in field, full as tall as himself in true valour, being (as
we say) mettle to the back. It was the hap of this Gentleman to be
desperately wounded by the lesser, and so dangerously, that it was
supposed his wounds would end all the future differences between them;
however recovering this Combate separated them eternally.
My Mistris was so well acquainted with the loss of her Gallants, that
she was not much troubled to be deprived of the society of this last;
but all her trouble was, to get another in his room. Shee applyed her
self to me again, her undeceiving Oracle, and received her accustomed
comfort, that in a little time I would procure her another, that should
out-throw the rest, at least a Barrs length; I was not long in the
procuration; for there was a Gentleman that frequented our House, who
spent his money very freely, yet had not a foot of land, neither had he
any trade, or tools, but the high way, sword and pistol to bring him in
a lively hood. He was a lusty well set man, and red-hair’d; a complexion
that hath often gone through-stich. I had often tryed him my self, and
therefore I could the better recommend him to a friend. One day (his
stock being low, and he at that time in our house) he desired me to lend
him half a peice. I being glad of this opportunity, told him I would,
and withall desired to confer with him in private; he joyfully accepted
my motion, thinking I had some secret design to take my accustomed use
for the loan; but he was strangly surprized, and even distracted with
excessive joy, when he heard me tell him, what a Mistris I had provided
for him; that he should have his belly full of sporting, & be liberally
paid for it too. We appointed the day when I should introduce him into
his new Mistriss’s acquaintance, but with this condition, that I should
share with him in his gettings. It was concluded on, and he possest of
his Treasure, to the full content of them both. My House was now his
constant receptacle, or dormitory, but when he was in the embraces of
his mistress; and he was very honest in giving me my share, my half
part, and commonly spent the rest (to my advantage) of what he had
received; and to the intent the more might come into my pocket, I
advised her by all means not to starve his service, but incourage him
often with sums of money; urging moreover, that the poor Gentleman could
not but be at great charges in maintaining himself in a strange place,
exiling himself freely from his own habitation, to be near at her
Command; beside the great expence he is daily at in costly broths,
jellies, with other provocatives, or restorers of decai’d nature.
I needed not to have tempted her to liberality, she being naturally
prone thereunto; always extravagantly rewarding kindnesses of this
nature. She began now to grow very pensive, and unusually melancholy, to
see all her swelling hopes thus dasht; and was not so sociable as she
used to be with her friend; which gave him some cause to suspect her
inconstancie, or that she would speedily desert him, and accept some
other; which put him on the contrivance to save something, that might be
a support to him, if his sallary should fail, or at leastwise keep him
alive, till his Country-Contributions, or padding incomes should supply
his profuse, and unnecessary expences.
When ever he came, she entertain’d him with such an undeserved
franckness, that she concealed nothing from him, that might either
please his fancie, or satisfie his curiosity. Understanding she was
admirable at her Needle, he desired her to shew him some pieces of her
art, that he might by the applauding of the one admire the other. She
readily condescended to what he propounded; being glad he had demanded a
thing which came within the verge of her power to please him withal.
Opening a large Cypress-Chest, she shew’d him great variety of excellent
pieces of her own hand-working; and withal he discovered several bags
cramm’d with other pieces, which he had a greater minde to handle; which
I conceiv’d she shew’d him out of meer ostentation, telling him withal,
that as long as one penny was in them his pockets should not be
unfurnisht with money; and that when all those bags were emptied, her
Husbands annual estate would quickly fill them again, and six times as
many.
This assurance of having his constant stipend continued, prevailed not
in the least on this Caret-pated villains ingrateful designs; but he
resolved, with the first opportunity, to make himself Master of those
sums, although he knew he must unavoydably lose his Mistress thereby;
the next morning she sent for him, to acquaint him, that her Husband was
gone some twenty miles off, and that he would not return in five days,
having 300 _lib._ to receive of such a man, naming the place where he
lived. This damn’d Dog, hearing this, caper’d for joy, which the poor
Innocent believed, proceeded from his thinking what a long time he had
to enjoy his Mistress uncontroulably: whereas it was otherwise, for now
he knew how to kill two Birds with one stone.
However, that she might not mistrust him as guilty of any treachery, he
behaved himself so pleasantly and his Caresses were so agreeable, that
his Mistress esteem’d her self the happiest woman in the world, in the
enjoyment of the person of so facetious, and most accomplisht Lover;
nay, so fond she was of his company, that she was resolved to make the
most of him in her husbands absence; and therefore caused him to lie in
the house, not induring him out of her sight, till the day before her
husbands returne; at which time he walkt out: what feastings, junketings
and jollitings together there were in that time, none are better able to
conceive than such who, with their large purses, have inlarged hearts,
caring not how dear the purchase is, so that the pleasure be great,
though not of two minutes lasting. You must understand, that I went
snips with him in these delights, as well as in his profits; I had a
liquorish tooth still in my head, and therefore would not be out of
call, to participate with them in their Viands, and Banquetings; Indeed,
I was ever an excellent smell feast.
The day (wherein he went abroad, as I told you) was the cursed time in
which he procured assistants, to carry on his hellish plot, which had
like to have proved my utter ruine. It seems he appointed them about
four of the clock in the evening to come to the Gentlewomans house,
where (as before) we were all making merry; and knowing the strength of
the house, there being never a man at home, the Groom being gone with
his Master, and only a foot-boy left, he appointed only two that should
manage the design beside himself; who knocking at the gate, and the
foot-boy opening it to them, they instantly seiz’d him, both binding,
and gagging him. Having bolted the Gate, they advanced into the house,
and seemingly very peaceful, they mounted the stairs, having secured
those who were below in the same manner, as they had done the boy; as
soon I saw two men now entring the Chamber, where we were, I then
concluded that we were betrai’d, and that the principal Traytor was our
supposed friend; I hereupon opened as wide as my jaws would give me
leave; which one of the rogues perceiving, clapt a gag within my mouth,
and so kept them at that gaping distance, the Rogues might have had some
consideration before they had served me thus, as knowing I had few teeth
to barricadoe my gums from the injury they might receive from that
confounded instrument which stretcht my mouth asunder.
The good Gentlewoman, seeing how barbarously they handled me, did not
question they would exercise the like cruelty next on her; to prevent
which, she fell on her knees, beseeching them not to abuse her, and
throwing them the keyes of what they lookt for, bid they take what they
pleased. Her accursed Villain had the impudence to view the tears run
down her lovely cheeks, without the least remorse, or pity on a soul so
dearly loved him, he only raised her with his hands, assuring her, she
should receive no other injurie than the loss of what money she shewed
him, and his eternal happiness; for I know Madam (said he) how insatiate
you are, how variable, how changeable upon the slightest occasion; I am
not insensible what variety you have already tyred (the more to blame me
that imforced him;) and how many more you intend, may be sufficiently
drawn from your unsatisfied humour, and inconstant nature. And now if
you love your life, stir not till we are gone; and thank our lenity,
that we have not secured you other-wayes. Taking up the money, every one
carrying a part; hold (said one) we have forgot something yet, that
Ladies hands must be tyed, least she ungag that serious and now silent
Matron there: her hands and legs must be tyed too, lest she talk or walk
to fright us. Having so done, come now let us go (said the Red headed
Traytor) it is high time, lest that old witch swallow on of us; don’t
you see how she gapes? God b’you (good Madam) you are bound to be
constant now; dear Partner (pointing to me) farewell, I thank you for
your procuration money, and so away they went; in less than half an hour
the Gentlewoman had with her teeth set her hands at liberty, which soon
gave my hands, feet, and tongue the like, and discending the stairs, we
found the maids, and boy bound, and gagg’d; having loos’d them she
whisper’d her boy in the ear, I knew not what, but it was to fetch a
Constable, which he did in an instant; and whilst I was condoleing my
Friends loss, and misfortune, I was apprehended by her command, and
conveyed to Goal, there to bewail my own too rigid fate.
I cannot much blame her suspition of me, since there were arguments too
many, and strong enough to perswade her I could not be innocent, and
therefore what ever I alledged in my justification stood for a Cypher. I
sent for my husband, with many other friends, but none of them could
prevail with her from sending me to Prison; seeing there was no remedy,
I was resolved to endure my confinement as patiently as I could.
These three rogues had their horses not far off, ready sadled, which
they mounting, rode directly in that road where they were sure to meet
their prize; and as the Devil would have it, they waited not two hours,
before they could perceive two riding directly towards them, and soon
after could discern them to be the Gentleman and his groom; the first of
an undaunted resolution, but weakly, by reason of a Chronical distemper,
that had a long time afflicted him; his man, by his bulk, shape and
looks, appeared like one that could teach a _Guy of Warwick_ to fight,
and give a president of such a valour, as only became a _Royal Champion_
to own. The Gentleman was first commanded to stand and deliver, which he
did, but it was a Pistol, which he discharged without any execution;
they fired at him again; and wounding him in the sword arm, he dropt his
sword, and whilst he was submitting to their disposal, his man sets
spurs to his horse, and most valiantly ran for it; getting to the top of
a little hill, not far distant, where turning his horse head, most
manfully about, he had the confidence to look on, whilest the Thieves
robb’d his Master.
The gentleman seeing himself thus deserted by this lubberly-cowardly Hog
driver was ready to burst with anger; but knew not how to come at him to
be revenged; and therefore begg’d the robbers, in lieu of what money
they had taken from him, to do him the kindness, to baste his man
soundly that stood on yonder hill, as a meer looker on. I, _I_, said the
one, _I_ will give you that satisfaction presently my self alone, and so
setting spurs to his horse, rode up to him, and complemented him no
otherwise at first, than with the flat of his sword, which
notwithstanding made his sides and shoulders smart to some purpose; this
great looby took all this with incredible patience; but the Pad by
chance cutting him; nay, now said he, flesh and blood is not longer able
to endure; and with that drew a broad two egg’d Scotch-sword, and
handled it so well, that he cut this fellow off his horse presently; the
other two seeing their fellow over-matcht, advanced with all speed, and
both assaulted him at once: but he seeing them approach, and being now
blooded, made ready to receive them by drawing a Pistol, which he fired
so luckily, that the shot deprived him of one of his enemies more, and
he had now no inequality of number to oppose him. Success had so flesht
him, that he fought more like a Devil, than a man, laying about him
backwards, and forwards; so that he disinabled the third, which was the
first Plotter. Had his Master been able to fight, and there had been as
many more against him, he so behaved himself, that there was no work for
any to do but himself. Thus did this one man, who had never fought
before (and therefore like an horse, knew not his own strength till it
was tryed) conquer three, that were accounted Cocks of the _Hectors_.
The Gentlemen searching their Portmancicks, and finding 400 _lib._ was
amazed at so considerable a purchase; and securing it, with this
surviving Rogue, and their Horses, rode directly to the next Justice;
where leaving the Booty in his hands for the present, the Prisoner had
his _mittimus_ drawn up, and was sent to the same Gaol his Landlady, the
Hostess was in. Notwithstanding all those disguizes he made use of to
seem another man, he was known by me, and received from me a whole broad
side of just reproaches; which had like to have sunk him deeper, than
the pressures of his present misfortunes could do. What (said I) did you
not live too much at your ease? had you not but too much plenty, which
took you off those desperate courses, or might have done, which would
without doubt have brought you to the Gallowes in the end; but having so
little regard to your own wellfare, I could not expect much from you as
to mine; though gratitude might have commanded you to have studyed my
preservation, although you should hourly hazard your own. Instead of
applying smooth, and soothing answers (which might have been as
Cordials, or Balsom to my wounded mind) he gave me this corrasive, this
Choak-pear, that if I would not hold my clack, which dinn’d his ears
worse than the Catarachts of _Nile_, he would declare before the Bench,
upon his tryal, that he would never have done so foul a fact, but by my
instigation; and that if I held not my tongue, he assured me, that
(since he knew that it was impossible for him to escape with life) he
loved me so well, that I should dye with him, to bear him company in the
other world.
Perceiving what his desperate resolution was, I thought good to alter
the Scene of my chat, and beg him to be patient; assuring him, that what
I had said was not out of any ill will, but to make him sensible how
much I was his friend at all times; and that my own imprisonment (for
his sake) troubled me not so much, as the danger that he was in; and
that he might accuse me, if he pleased, and so endanger my suffering
with him; but I charged, withall, his Conscience with my innocencie in,
and ignorance of what he and his accomplices had acted, contrary to my
privity. It was some comfort to hear him then acknowledge before a great
many witnesses, that I was no way accessary to his guilt; and when the
Assizes came, he acknowledged upon his Arraignment, that none abetted,
or were concerned in what he had done, and there stood arraigned for,
but himself and two others, which were slain in the contest. Whereupon I
was discharged by Proclamation of Court, none coming in against me; and
he received sentence of death, which was accordingly executed three
dayes afterward; he then again at the Gallows declaring to the
spectators my innocencie in his robbery.
This Confession of his, I thought, would as well reintroduce me into the
favour of the abused Gentlewoman, my former friend, as by his suffering
death give full satisfaction to her inraged revenge. In order thereunto,
after my Gaol delivery, I sent her several Letters to pacifie her
passion, and imployed several friends to acquaint her with the reallity
of my former fidelity, and present integrity: at length they so far
mediated with her in my behalf, that she sent for me (when her Husband
was abroad) and in the walks of her Garden, discourst me largely, as to
whatever had past between us, or anybody else by my means. And now, said
she, this last unhappy and unexpected villany from a friend you procured
me, and one I dearly loved, hath tyed up my hands from ever enjoying the
like opportunities again. For my Husband finding that the purchase he
took from the Thieves was but a Pig of his own Sow, his own money, and
knowing the principal Robber to be the Person I often treated at our
house with much civility, shrewdly suspects, that I not only consented
to the Robbery, but would be easily induced to believe to his death too,
were it not for the great loss he knows I should receive by his death if
he should dye without issue. However he is much more cautious of me than
he used to be, taking his money into his own custody, and he sets a
watch over me to observe what company I keep abroad, or entertain in our
house: and therefore, if ever you intend to redeem your former credit
and estimation with me, study some project how I may carry on the design
afore propounded, of having an Heir, that the Estate may not pass to the
next Brother. A man I cannot but hate, for several weighty
considerations. The crookedness of his disposition, and the
unsuitableness of his humour to mine, were sufficient to make me not
love him; but his insufferable wicked practises, both against me, and my
Husband, make me absolutely detest the very sight of him. When I was
first married (quoth she) I thought my self as capable of conception as
any she that ever wore a head; & my husband being then healthful, &
actively vigorous, soon confirming me, in the opinion of being a teeming
woman: It seems I was with child, though I knew it not; and finding a
great change and alteration in my body, I was so ignorant, as to believe
I was breeding some ill humours, which, if not timely purged away, might
ingender a disease that might prove my death. My Husbands Brother (which
was wiser than my self in that point) knew very well I was breeding
young bones, the growth of which would infallibly lift him out of all
his flourishing hopes of enjoying his Brothers Estate; therefore out of
a seeming tenderness, and vigilant care of the presevation of my health,
followed my own perswations, with his damn’d advice; and at the end I
was induc’d to take a vomit to clear my stomack, he telling me, for
certain, it might be very foul, since I was so frequently troubled with
puking in the morning, and vomiting after Dinner. An Apothecary of his
own procuring (with his Devilish instructions) made up the Composition,
which, without imagining the least harm, I easily swallowed, which
wrought with me so strongly, that, having nothing left within my stomack
for it to work on, I thought it would have brought up my very heart
within its appurtenances; the Devil of a Physitian all this while seemed
to comfort me, by saying, be cheerful, Sister; this will clear you (and
so it did of what it should not) and clense you of those malignant
humours which so much prejudiced your healthful constitution; and that
he might make sure work of me, counselled me to take a purge, and that
would carry all downwards, and then my business was done; I poor easie
fool, was quickly drawn to it, and the second time swallowed that, which
the next day made what I went withal prove abortive.
I had often seen, but more especially heard, that this Doctor was no
sooner gone from his Patient, but he was immediatly in the Company of my
brother, which made me, with a great deal of good reason, conjecture,
they plotted no good together; wherefore I got two Doctors more to visit
my Husband, who plainly told me, at the first sight (both agreeing in
one opinion) that he was poysoned. Hearing them say so, I could not
forbear; but, in the agony of my Spirit, cryed out, I know the
Murderers; and their lives shall here, for the loss of his, make
satisfaction in part, and in full, by their damnation hereafter. They
desired me to be patient, assuring me that they would use their utmost
skill to over-power the poyson; and doubtlessly he had dyed, had not
these two eminent Artists bestirred themselves to purpose. In a little
time they raised him on his feet (which made his former Doctor betake
himself to his, having not been heard of by us since;) but they could
not assure me how long it would be ere he would be down again; for (said
they) he will be an infirm, impotent man, as long as he lives.
If now my hatred to my Husbands Brother be not justly grounded, do you
judge; and I hope Heaven will not be offended with me, in finding out
some way to disposses him of his hopes, in having the Estate, who rob’d
me of my fruitfulness, and would have deprived my Husband of his life.
Madam (said I) there is just now a plot come into my head; which if you
please, shall be put in practice, and that is this. Since your Husband
is thus infirm, and you barren, this must be the only way, which must
crown your desires. I will immediately go upon the search for some young
thing with Child, whether she be Wife, nor neither Maid, Wife, nor
Widdow, it matters not; whom with large gifts, and larger promises, I
will perswade to part with her Child, when born, and you shall lye in
with it; let me alone to the management of all; but first, let me find
out a Person suitable to our purpose, and I will warrant you to carry on
the rest to your full satisfaction. I will instantly for _London_ where
I cannot miss of Subjects enough of this sort, out of which I may pick
and choose. She liked this proposal so well, that she would not suffer
me to stay a minute longer with her, but that I should instantly leave
her, and make my self ready for my Journey; and thus far have I
travelled in order to the finishing thereof, when I met with so blessed
an opportunity, of falling into discourse with you, Dearest Madam, which
I hope will tend to both our happinesses, if you will be ruled by me.
Thus, said Mrs. _Dorothy_, I heard the whole relation of her self, and
others, with great attention: and thought it was now my Cue to speak,
which I did in this manner, not only cautelously, but with much seeming
reservedness. Mother (for so, by the disparity of our Age, I make bold
to call you) the account you give of your self is so monstrously wicked
that I know not whether, with safety, I may interchange any further
discourse with you; neither can I but take notice of your subtility, and
matchless craftiness, as well as your unparallel’d debauchery, and
wantonness; you may very well excuse me, if now I stand on my guard, and
wearily entertain a parley with you; since you are known to be an old
Souldier in the Wars of _Venus_, and so may fight too cunningly for me,
that am but a stripling upon any such account. However make your
proposals (and if I may be assured you pump me not to intrap me) as I
find them faisable, and profitable for the future, I shall accept them,
and be ready to be servicable to you, and your design.
The good old Gentlewoman, as one transported, by hugging me in her Arms,
interrupted me, saying; Daughter, mistrust me not in this affair, and
try whether I will not in a little time make you as happy as your own
wishes can make you; and thereupon asked me how long I had been with
Child, and whether I could be content, that, by anothers owning it, the
Child hereafter might be owner of an Estate (it seems born to) the tenth
part whereof none of my Ancestors ever yet enjoyed.
It is confest, said I, my own weakness, and Female frailty betraid me to
unlawful embraces of a handsom young man, whose subtle sollicitations
could not be withstood by a Nun, much less by me; and yielding, I now
carry both the Sin and the shame of those stolen delights about me,
where ever I go. That though it was my ill Fortune thus to lose (by one
throw at play, inconsiderately) a thing of that value, my Maiden head I
mean, yet it was some comfort to me, that it was a Gentleman of no mean
worth that won it; and I question’d not but the off-spring would be like
the Father, as well in the comely proportion of the Body, as Gallantry
of Mind; being thus fully perswaded it will prove so goodly a Person, it
will the more trouble me to part with it to another; that if I should do
any such thing it is not for necessity; for, as I had money considerable
of my own, before my deluding Lover came acquainted with me; yet, to
compensate that single kindness, he hath so showred his Gold and Silver
on me since, that my Wealth may procure a Match considerable enough,
though my face carryed in it no other invitation. Come, come, Daughter
(said the Old Woman) Something hath some savour: and although you have
enough, yet more will do no harm; besides your Child will be well look’d
after, well provided for (which you may see when you please) and you rid
of that incumbrance, will be in a better condition for any one to
sollicite you in Marriage. Being thus convinc’d by the subtle Arguments
of this cunning Matron, I condescended to whatever she would have me to
do; and so without further delay, the next morning we rode together to
the House of this old Gentlewoman; where alighting, she had no sooner
provided a necessary Room for me, and given order for my Supper, which
was extraordinary, but her impatience immediately hurried her to the
Gentlewoman, her Friend; and being out of breath, told her, as well as
she could, that she had effected the business beyond expectation; but
because she would not leave me too long, begg’d her excuse, promising
the next morning a full account of all her proceedings. That night was
spent in all the jollity imaginable; Fowles of all sorts, and the
choicest of the season were provided; Wine flowed so plentifully through
every room of the House, that I wonder it did not reel into the streets.
I am sure the servants would, had not a noise of Musick held them by the
ears, whil’st their Legs caper’d like a pair of Drum-sticks. Although
they took but little repose that night, yet my Hostess got up early to
wait on her Correspondent, who had not slept that night, for the eager
expectation to hear how her desires were accomplisht.
But overjoyed she was, when she saw the old Woman approach, who taking
her aside in one of the walks of the garden, askt her how she had sped,
and in what manner. The old woman (as much transported with joy as she)
have patience, and I will tell you, said she; In my way to _London_, I
met with several that had nibled on the bait of concupisence; but they
were such flounder-mouth’d, draggle-tail’d, dirty Pusses, that I would
not venture upon any of them; but at length comming to an Inn on the
road, I accidentally fell into the Company of a Gentlewoman (which is
this that I have now brought with me, to be serviceable to you) who by
her deportment informed me, that she was not meanly extracted; and by
those wanton torches in her face, which Nature had drawn to allure, and
captivate hearts, I guest she was not unacquainted with the Masculine
gender; and as I imagined, so it proved; for I have so rigled my self by
discourse into her concerns, that I soon made her unravel the bottom of
her secrets. To be short, I found her every way fit for our purpose, and
by an extraordinary device, I have made her ours; and that you may
satisfie your self farther, I will bring her to the Park, a mile from
your house, where I shall desire you to meet us in the afternoon.
Hereupon she departed, and acquainted me how she had opened the way to
consummate what we had agreed on; and so having dined, we went to the
place appointed, where the Gentlewoman was already come to meet us.
The Gentlewoman seeing us at a distance, made up to us, but was
strangely astonisht when she saw a person so unexpectedly handsome, and
in a Garb which as much exceeded that which she wore, as the face she
saw excelled most others that she had seen before; and therefore thought
it requisite to make her address, as to a person of no mean Quality; yet
thinking again, should she do so, I might think she mockt me; (for had I
been nobly born and bred, I would never have condescended so low, as to
prostitute my body to the unlawful embraces of some hot-blooded Gallant,
and afterwards mercenarily expose the Infant to the disposal of a meer
stranger;) therefore familiarly thus she spake; Sweet-heart, Though I
never saw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am
much troubled, that so good a face should be so deluded, and grosly
abused by any Promise-breaker of them all; but since what is past cannot
be recalled, I shall endeavour to redress your misfortunes, after this
manner; you shall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a
friend of mine: but be sure you keep your self private; and when you
have a mind to take the air, and enjoy your self, you shall not want a
Coach to carry you whither you list, so it be far enough off: your
provision at home, with all things necessary, and your expences abroad,
shall be at my charge; all that I shall require of you is, that when you
cry out in labour, your Childe may be at the dispose of your Landlady,
whom I constitute your Guardian. If in the interim you want any thing,
let me know it, and you shall be supplyed, and enjoy your self as
freely, as if you were Empress of the whole World; and when you are
discharged of your great belly, you shall not want a sum to make you a
good portion for any honest man. Be not seen in the Town, and do not
come to our house, but be ruled by your Guardian; and assure your self
this, your Child shall be my Child, and what estate I have, or my
Husband, shall be his: and so she took her leave of me, cramming my hand
full of _Jacobusses_, as the earnest of a better penny.
I was forthwith conducted to this house, which was intended for my
lodging privately, where I was entertain’d, according to instruction,
with much respect and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provided to
attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my
life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pass my time
away, being often visited by my old Hostess, daily puzzling each others
invention, what we should have for Dinner; what recreation in the
afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertisement afterwards; how to
make our pleasure more poyant by their diversity, and variety; but the
greatest difficulty lay in our cunning projections of going abroad,
which we knew we must carry with a world of secrecie, or spoil all
whatever we intended to do.
In the mean time, the Gentle-woman (understanding my true reckoning,
which was three moneths gone with Child) calculated her time
accordingly, and gave out, she was with Child: every one admired at the
news, having not had any in so long a time of marriage, and knew not
whether they had best give credit to the report; her Husband would not
be induced to believe it by any means, looking upon it as incredible,
nay, almost impossible; but that which most of all favoured what she
would have credited was her being troubled at that instant, with some
hydropical humours, which had so swelled her belly, that she had much
adoe from perswading her self, that she was really with Child. Her
Husband perceiving this, from an Unbeliever became a Convert, and by his
belief wrought all the Neighbourhood into the like perswation: but that
which knockt the nail on the head, was the opinion of the Midwife (a
Creature of the Gentlewomans, made absolute to her devotion by gifts,
and promise of future rewards) which proclaimed it every where as a
wonder, that one after so many years, having never born a Child, should
now at last conceive. Neither was the kind, and over-indulgent Husband,
backward in spreading ostentatiously, his glory, that he should at last
be called Father, when all the glimmerings of those hopes were quite
extinguisht. His joy made him so rash and inconsiderate, that he bespoke
Gossips, and concluded upon a name for it, though he knew not whether it
would be born alive, male or female. On the other side, the seemingly
over-joyed woman provided clouts for the bantling, and all other things
necessary, which an over-busie Lullaby could invent. So many wet Nurses
were sent for, that they came tumbling to the house by dozens; and so
many faults were found with them, that they Troopt off again as fast;
one was dislik’d for her Hair, it being of a red colour, and therefore
her milk was lookt upon as too hot, rank, and venemous; every one giving
in their Verdict, that she should not be wholesome, since the _Turks_
were accustomed to make the rankest poyson of the flesh of slaves that
were red-hair’d. Another was too tall, and therefore slothfull, and
unactive, being not talkative enough; a third not clear skinn’d, nor
well featur’d, having a cast with the eye, which might be the ill
pattern of directing the Childs eyes amiss: a 4th. had a too indulgent
husband, whom they feared one time or other might curdle the Child’s
milk, and so endanger its health: a fifth had had formerly sore Breasts,
and they doubted from thence the Milky-way might be polluted: a sixth
was too melancholly enclin’d, which they judged would not only prejudice
her suck, but deprive her of the talking qualifications of most Nurses,
who look upon the impertinent nonsensical tittle-tattle to their
Children, to be the basis of all their future learning. With much adoe,
they at length pitch upon a lovely brown woman, full grown, well
featur’d, quick sighted, clear skinned, middle statur’d, with breasts
little and round, her blood cirkling them in the pleasant blew
_Meanders_ of her veins. Now lest they should loose her, if she went out
of their sight, she was hired, and entertained into the house
immediatly, although her Mistriss had five moneths to go of her supposed
time.
Though her Husband was extasied with joy, his Brother was moved by a
contrary passion, his folly making him shew it, in so unseemly a way,
that every one now concluded him that, which they only surmized before,
a villain, that had both studied and practised the ruin of his nearest
relations; & he was often accused & upbraided for so doing, that he was
forc’d to leave the Town, and since is gone to a Cozen of his living in
_Barmudus_.
My time began now to draw nigh, being groan so bigg I could not with
convenience stir abroad, and too restless to stay at home. As I felt any
pain, I caused my Mistriss to be acquainted therewith, that she might be
so too; if I felt my self much disordered, I sent away her confident
presently to allarm her; who acted her part as artificially, as I did it
really. These out-cries of hers made the whole Garrison continually
stand to their arms; there being about her continually the Midwife,
Wet-Nurse, Dry Nurse, with many Neighbouring assistants: the Maids below
ready at command, and a _Man Midwife_, if need should require with so
many instruments ready fixt, as would with the very Iron set up a
Black-smith: and all for the strangeness of shape, surpassing any rarity
in _Tredescants_ Collection.
After so many false allarms, a true one came at last, carried by our
Confident aforesaid, with my Child in her lap; whose very appearance was
watch-word enough for the Gentlewoman to express the pangs of
Child-birth, which she did then in a more violent manner than before,
imagining something more than ordinary: she approaching the bed askt her
lowdly how she did, and how she felt her self, and at that very instant
clapt the Child into Bed to her; who immediately skreeking out, the
Midwife ran to her, where seeming to be busied about her a while, at
length takes the Child from her, and doing with it, and her, as is
usual; the news of this her happy delivery was conveyed to the Husband,
who was near at hand, attending, and with tears lamenting the sad pain
his poor wife underwent for him; but the joyful tydings of having a Son
born, wip’d away all those tears, and so animated his feeble Carkass,
that he would have entred the Room, before it was either Civil, or
Convenient, had he not been stopt by meer force. I shall not trouble you
by relating what an Universal rejoyceing there was through the whole
house, but only inform you, that before the expiration of a moneth the
Child was Christened, being as lovely a Child as could be born of a
Woman, not any limb or part of his body, which did not promise to exceed
his true Father in every thing. The Gentlewoman being up, as soon as she
understood I was well and fully recovered, appear’d abroad in publick,
whose happy delivery was by all congratulated. And to gratifie me, she
sent me an hundred pieces of old Gold, desiring me to remove my
Quarters, and to engage my tongue eternally to conceal the secret.
I now thought it high time to send to my two Gallants, who were obliged
to me in bonds, the one to pay me fourty pound, and the other fifty,
upon my delivery; they being both assured of the truth thereof, delayed
me not, but sent me my moneys by the first conveniency, which added to
my late purchase; and what money I had before, made up to weighty a
portion, for so light an Houswife as my self.
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