_Her abused and whipt Lover vows revenge, which is done in part;
afterwards he is kill’d, yet kills his Corrival: the manner how, with
other things very remarkable._
Never did the Canicular dayes infuse into Dogs a greater madness and
fury, than did this whipping in Loves School inrage the minde of our
sufficiently jerkt Amorist; which for the present (whilst under his
Chirurgions hands) he durst not express; for all that he could do, was
to supplicate them not to deprive him of what would make him stand as a
Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation; which they granted him.
With much hazard, and greater fear, escaping their hands, only in his
shirt, without shooe or stocking, he got out into the streets; and being
overjoy’d that he was secure, but had the black mantle of night to
conceal his shame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the
Town inhabitants, ran through the streets with all speed imaginable;
but, by the way, meeting with a sharp stone, it so hurt his foot, that
he was compell’d to slacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging.
The Clock had then struck twelve (an hour wherein supposed Bugg-bears
walk, to frighten Children) as he could see just before him two women,
whom a third had raised from their warm beds by her incessant cries,
proceeding from the intollerable pains she then indured, being ready to
be delivered, to hasten to call up a fourth, _viz._ a Midwife. Haste on
both sides had made them so carelesly heedless in their way, that they
were within a spit and a stride of each other, before they could discern
one the other. My cheating, and cheated Leacher perceived the women
first, which put him to a stand, what he were best to do, either to go
forward, or backward; they, on the other side, seeing a thing all in
white stand opposit in their way, judged it to be the troubled spirit of
the lately diseased Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the
Midwife for. He, on the other hand, resolved to go forward; and they
seeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fast as they could;
who being stopt by the watch, and demanded why they made that hideous
outcry, made answer, they had met the Devil, or some thing like him.
Condemning the womens idle and causless fears (as they judged) they
advanced forwards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with an
unparallell’d resolution. My Gallant had stept into a by-corner, when
the woman cried out to secure himself from what might ensue that
unexpected allarum, fully resolved to run home to his lodging directly,
with what speed he might; he started out just as the Watch were advanc’d
within half Pistol-shot of him; the sudden surprize confirmed them in
the womens report, so that, without consideration there was not one of
these desperate Kill-Devils to be seen, but such as with a too
precipitate haste, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This
accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were so benumm’d with
cold, that he very much stood in need of such _Icarian_ practices,
_Dædalian_ inventions.
In conclusion, with much knocking, he made a shift to get in. His
Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him
home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin?
Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be
without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore
replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into
that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won
something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but
seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not
his flight procured his safety.
His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abused, conducts
him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie
alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was so sore, he could
not lie on his back; and so troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind
to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him so backward, imagined
the cause to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and
gathered by too many apparent symptoms, that she was much deceived in
his pretended continencie at home; and being hartily vext to be thus
disappointed of her expectations, she leapt out of bed, telling him
angrily, she had more lodgings and Lodgers in her house, and would not
be beholden to him for either; and had she known so much before she did
let him in, as she hath done since, she would have tried how the cooling
Julip of standing in the street all night in his shirt, would have
wrought with his feaverish concupiscence.
Netled he was to the purpose to hear his Landlady (who had ever since
their first acquaintance born him a more than common kindness and
respect) thus taunt at him; but his thoughts were so absolutely taken up
with a subject of another nature, that he returned her not one word;
which so exasperated her spirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying
aside discretion, with her modesty, she was resolved to ring him a peal
in the _ear-ratling-Rhetorick_ of _Billingsgate_. How now, (said she) is
it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have sate up late, or
rather early, but that I must be disturb’d from my rest, to give repose
to a restless _Stallion_? Shall my roof prove the _Protector_ to such
_Caterwawling Night-walkers_? Is it not enough, that I have furnished
you continually with money, but you must ungratefully make that the
_Common-procurer_ of your private Veneries abroad, and those gawdy
Clothes I gave you must be the _Gentleman Usher_ that must lead you to
them? Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences
grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another
mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but
that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her
Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was;
when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her,
rather than gently desired her to go to bed; begging that she would not
trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for
disturbing him from his rest.
The Gentleman, that came down the stairs, hearing this; and judging she
had prostituted those kindnesses to one that scornfully refused them,
which he had so frequently sollicited her for partly for pleasure, but
principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any
other place, than these down-right; outragiously bellowing forth, Am not
I the oldest Guest in your house, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not
I pamper’d you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a
wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on; and
have afterwards stab’d my Credit, that you might deliciously feed, and
satiate your self on the blood of the grape: then (when few refuse to
give themselves satisfaction) I have attempted to enjoy what you now
prostitute; but you kept me at that distance, I knew not whether your
breath stunk or not. Nay, I have made use of Critical minutes to
purchase my desire, more especially then, when I could see by the
flaming of your eyes, what conspiracies wine and wanton discourse had
formed within you, to fire the Fortress of the most resolved Chastity.
And shall you now be bid to go to bed? be begg’d to retire from your
satiated Lovers embraces? how can you stand thus impudently in your
smock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone? Come, you forget
your self; your _dark-Lanthorn delights_ have dazzled the sight of your
Reason; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own
Chamber; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thrust her
out; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing some
further mischief.
This out-cry so startled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear
his Land-lady so grosly abused, got up, and closing with him, threw him;
and having no other weapons, but their fists, pounded one another to
some purpose. The Woman fearing what mischief might ensue, put her head
out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as she could bawl; the Watch
(hearing murder cryed out) came running to the house with all speed (not
dreaming they should see again that Spirit which had so lately frighted
them) and perceiving a great bustle in the house, and the same horrid
noise continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men
scuffling in their shirts, having blooded one the other sufficiently
(this bleeding excused very well the other blood that came from the
firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I say, finding them in this bloody
condition, they doubted they had injured one another with some sharp
instrument; they needed not to search farther than their hands, having
neither of them more cloathes to conceal anything than what modesty
commanded. Notwithstanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could
not hold their hands off one another; which caused the Watch to
interpose again, and now they resolved to secure them that night (from
further mischieving one the other) at the Watch-houses, and so commanded
them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other
could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have seen in what
confusion he stood, at that word of command, or to have known what the
watch-men thought when they saw their Prisoner could finde no Cloaths.
Though their wonder was great, yet they resolved to have their curiosity
resolved; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he
come, or how he could be without them? by the way, surely there was not
much wit in that Constable and his Watch: for had they had any, they
might presently have concluded (from the posture they found those
Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but
one suit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a
wheedling, the other was forc’d to lye a bed a staring; and disputing
who should next scout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not
agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where
I left of, the Constable having interrogated him as aforesaid, he
(endeavouring to excuse himself, and palliate the scuruy usage of his
revengeful Mistriss) answered him, that walking that after noon, it was
his mischance, by a push of that Gentleman they found him fighting with,
to fall into a _Common-house_, (Pox on his witty allusion) and that
having no suit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had
been cleansed and dried. That the Gentleman aforesaid would not let him
rest, but came into his Chamber, and with scoffing and irritating
expressions, provok’d him to rise, and endeavour to be rid of his
trouble.
The other told the Constable, that what was said was a greater lye than
the Devil could invent; that the cause of the Quarrel was his
endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his
Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they
were both of them a couple of confounded lyars, and (that she might make
one of the number) told them; that they intended to have ravisht her,
and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and
fell together by the ears, who should be the first Actor in their damn’d
design: to prevent which, she was compell’d to cry out Murther, upon
which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own,
where (said she) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting
for that morsel neither of the Curs is ever likely to taste of.
This Forgery was more semblable to probability in the Constables
opinion, than any thing else he had heard. Wherefore not to spend
further time in examination, he charged his Watchmen with my two
Gentlemen, and so inconsiderately rash he was, that he vow’d they should
go with him; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the
Woman of the house interceeded, that she might cloath his nakedness as
well as she could for the present; hereupon she furnished him with a
Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him:
instead of a cloak, she helpt him to a red Rugg; and to crown all, she
clapt upon his head her straw-hat. Had it been day-light, it would have
been worth twelve pence a piece to have seen this _Slavonian_, whose
garb, for strangeness, the barbarous World might admire, but never
imitate. I do not hear that he over-slept himself that night; nor can I
believe that the morning gave his eyes no great satisfaction, in viewing
the preposterousness of his habit; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am
inform’d, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on
looking on the phantasms of some of his dead and damn’d acquaintance.
I slept but little my self, that night, partly, by thinking how this
revengful plot of mine would take effect, but chiefly, by reason of my
unsatisfied Bed-fellow, who kept me waking, in spight of my teeth.
However I arose early, and being but a little way distant, soon got
home; where arrived, I understood from my husband, that my Rings were
restored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Master; and
so he might well acknowledge, for he was never so whipt for being a
naughty Boy, as I caused him to be; and well he escap’d so, having like
to have left behind him a most pretious remedy against several female
distempers; a _Recipe_, as infallible against all manner of
obstructions, as ever was applyed to any _Chalk_, or _Oatmeal Eater_,
since _Eve_ lay in with _Cain_ in her first _Child bed_. Immediately
after I heard of the rest of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and
how he was secured; and had a particular account of the pleasant dress
he was in: never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how
amply and fully I was, revenged of him; yet I could not but entertain a
thought that might incline to pity him; but it would extend no further
then than to send him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my
self the plenary satisfaction of laughing at him; and those sufferings
he underwent by my procurement; the words and sense were to this
purpose.
The Letter.
Sir,
_I am much troubled that one of your age and experiance should prove so
meer a_ Novice _in_ Loves-School, _as to be guilty of an amorous_
erratum, _that should deserve the lash: I see now you are a meer_ Baby
_in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding.
What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the_ first
head, _in the_ nonage _of Amorous matters, in the_ Hanging sleeves _of
Courtship, knew this as a_ Maxime--_that if Love, though never so
fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is
indefatigable in her revenge, till_ Death _hath put an end to the
Controversie. Henceforth be better advised from me, how you behave your
self before your little_ Sparkling Goddesses _(as wantonly you are
pleased to call them;) if you will preserve your good esteem and be
dayly cherisht with their Soul-winning and ravishing Smiles, you must
not be relax in your offerings; but if by slighting, cozenage, &c. you
instigate their incest_ Deities _to revenge, nothing but an absence, as
distant as the two Poles, shall protect you from their subtle and speedy
revenge. And now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen so slightly on
your Shoulders, having given a stript Simmar, for the Gown I should have
had: I am sorry though, I had not secured you_ witnesses of manhood,
_that they might have been_ Testimonies _continually by me, to assure my
self you will not for the future abuse my love, by fondly affecting an
other. Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent_
Embassadour _from the_ Northern Witches _to their_ Emperor _the_ Devil,
_I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left
with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let
me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them
again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being
amorous, when pennyless._
Your abused, in part
revenged, _&c._
I commanded the Messenger to observe his carriage in reading the Letter;
who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could
not in their most extravagant gestures, have exprest madness so to the
life as he did. However, he was not so mad, but that he did put on his
Cloaths, which upon old acquaintance so complyed, as to fit him to a
hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of
his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a solitary place, that he might hatch
mischief, that is, be revenged on me, my Husband, or any else that he
supposed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnished with a
mischievous design, agreeable to his desire; and how could he otherwise,
for there are millions of hellish imps of the worser sort, who
continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to
execute the commands of such who care not how they precipitate others
and themselves into ruine and destruction.
This stratagem he contrived, by the help of a little credit he had yet
surviving, he puts himself into a new riding garb, mounted with sword
and pistol; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what
he usually wore; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a
false beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes; in this disguise,
the most discerning eye of his most intimate, and familiar friends and
acquaintance, could not have discovered him who he was. In this equipage
he rides out of town, some half-score miles, only to dirty his horse and
boots; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own
hands, in these terms.
The Answer to the former Letter.
Madam,
_Or rather Mad-dame, for she that is madder that you was begotten in_
Monte Gibello, _where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning
Mountain, was belcht into the World, and carried on the back of a
whirlwind, to disturb the inhabitants thereof. Think not I will trouble
my self to answer particularly every flouting invective, the which your
letter is stuft withal, but shall tell you in general, you are too
dangerously wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract
a friendship with_ Hell, _must first shake hands with you; your eyes
will be his light, to guide him; your cheeks, and breasts, are his
highway; and your mouth the gate or entrance thereinto. I do not intend
to buy repentance at so dear a rate, as ever to see you again; therefore
your threats were needless. I am not yet fallen in love with my
winding-sheet, that I should court Death, or hug a Contagion. My sense
of smelling is indifferently well recovered of its late distemper, and
can now distinguish the scent of sound Bodies from putrifaction. My eyes
too have regained their sight, and can plainly see the she-devil in you,
maugre all the paint, and_ fucus, _that is on that daub’d face of thine.
Prithee name me not at any time, lest thy breath for ever poyson my
memory; and to that intent, forget that ever I had a being; and so
wishing thou never hadst one, I take my eternal farewell of thee,_ &c.
This Letter he sent me, to the intent I might believe he was so far from
revenging himself on me, that he never intended to see me more; by which
means he facilitated his purpose. In prosecution thereof; late in the
evening he came to Town, and directed his course to our house; upon his
alighting, he seemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horse
being all of a foam; and desiring his Chamber might be shewn him, it was
done accordingly; and order being taken for a Sack-posset, he supt it
up, and laid his head to rest; he lay abed somewhat long the next day,
pretending indisposition by reason of his long journey, but getting up;
he seemed somewhat pleasant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his
Land-ladyes Mornings draught, assuring me, that as a stranger he would
not be indebted for any civilities he should receive in my house. I on
the other side, seeing him so forward to part from his money, gave him a
considerable lift by my usual way of spunging. Dinner time approaching I
askt him what he would have; who ordered me to provide variety of what
was in season; not imagining that Table, on which this meat should
stand, should so soon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy must be
acted. A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend
(that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our
good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other,
than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did
eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be
very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you
to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake; I returning him
thanks, in an instant he whipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and
laid it hastily on my Trencher; and turning his head quick about, be not
angry, Sir, (said he) you shall have bitt for bitt; and thereupon
endeavoured to cut off my nose, but I was to nimble for him, and by
running out escap’d the danger; my Friend observing what had past, being
too suddenly done to be prevented, stept from the Table, and drawing,
bid the Rogue disguised draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for
this matchless piece of villany; whereupon he did, but behaved himself
so ill, that my friend wounded him desperately in the body at the first
pass; concluding he had received his Mortal wound, he resolved not to
die alone, wherefore he made a full pass, and so running upon his
Adversaries point, each dyed at once by the swords of one another. I
soon returned with a long train of _Mirmidons_, whom I had instructed
how to chastise this insolence; but Lord! what a confusion was I in,
when I saw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband
gazing on them motionless, like one converted into a Statue for the loss
of his ear; which he should have lost, by right, long before that time.
Some more busie then the rest, stirring their bodies, the false beard of
the disguised fell off, by which he was presently known who he was; and
because it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman
had spent what he had on me, and was abused for his pains; I was
immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authoress of all this mischief, I
endeavoured to excuse my self, by relating what he had done; _viz._ the
cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavouring to cut off my Nose; but
this allegation signified little. Searching his pockets, they found a
note, or letter, sealed, & seeing it was directed to me, they then,
without my consent, break it open, imagining they should find therein
the mystery of this tragical encounter but all they could discover was
only his intention of cutting off my Nose, and my Husbands Ear: the
Lines were these which follow.
_Insatiate Strumpet; perjur’d-painted-Whore,
Who hast the vice of all thy Sex, and more,
Devil, nay worse; for thou canst by thy face
Make Men Apostate in the State of Grace.
By thee I fell; then did my_ Pagan _knee
Oft render Worship to thy Devilree.
I (being converted) Idols won’t allow;
Down must the_ Dagon _of thy face I vow.
See where it lyes; that Idol, once ador’d,
Must be for want of it, by all abhor’d.
Thy Husband lends an Ear, then let thy Nose,
To_ Sister-Sense _her wretched State disclose.
And then consult thy Glass; See thy fare face
Is vanisht, and Deaths-head stands in the place.
Thy lips some_ Nectar _sipt from I suppose
Will be exclaim’d on, fogh, they want a Nose.
And may thy sparkling eyes, which me did win,
Be thought to kindle from a fire within.
May ulcers seize thee, for the wrong th’ast done,
And living rott, without compassion._
The rumour of this sad disaster ran swifter than a Torrent through the
Town; insomuch that our house was so cram’d with People, that our
servants were forc’d to acquit their imployments, to give room to the
inquisitive In-comers, a chirurgeon was sent for to dress my Husband; &
a Coroner to sit upon the other two that were slain; glad I was, that I
had the opportune excuse to leave the Company; and attend my Husband; by
which means I avoided the hearing so many thousand accrimations that
were laid to my charge. In the meantime the Jury found their Deaths
hapned by Man-slaughter: and so thereby though we were present, we could
not be found accessories.
The noise of this accident did also flye into the Countrey, not
escapeing the ear hardly of any one Guest that frequented our House;
report had rendred the Fact so horrible, and my Husband and Self so
notoriously accessory thereunto, and now all our former wickedness, and
roguery was drawn up in a long Scrol, and this last added in Capitals,
to make up a compleat Sum of Villany. By which means we had little
resort to our House; and our House-rent being great, and our Trading
small, my Husband and I were now necessitated to put our heads together,
by some other means to patch up a future lively-hood. Thou seest, said
he, the more serious, and reputable sort of People, shun our house, as
if old _Belzebub_ were there sitting abrood to hatch those diseases
which should be the destruction of the Universe. And therefore to be
revenged of their thus slighting us, I will meet them abroad, and what
moneys they forbear to spend with me, I will compel them to lend, and
more. Though I am not stout and resolute enough of my self to do this,
yet thou knowest _Humphrey_ our Tapster, is a strong Fellow, and hath a
good heart; he and I, fear not, will do the business.
For my part, I must needs confess, I question’d not _Humphrey’s_
performances, having made tryal again thereof; I ever fancyed to try
experience, and marking what a rough-hew’n Fellow he was, all Bone and
Sinew, with a face like a tann’d Bulls hide, I could not be at quiet,
till I had found the difference between this Man, nerv’d with wire, and
others, that were clean limb’d, and streight slender bodyed joynted like
_Bartholomew Babies_, with quaking Custard faces; but so vast a
disproportion between them, that were I Widdow; and were courted by a
Knight worth five thousand pounds a year, with a handsom fair whitely
face, I should hardly be perswaded to accept of a Lady-ship, but for the
sake of his revenew.
To be short, Sir _Philip Sidney’s_ Cowards were not much ranker than my
Husband; but, thought I, if he hath courage enough to look a Man in the
face, and bid him stand, _Humphrey_ hath strength, and valour enough to
compel them to deliver. Wherefore I perswaded my Husband by all means to
go forward with what he had propounded: I was the more willing to it, in
hopes that he would be taken some time or other; and as he was marked
for a Knave, so he might be hang’d for a Thief; and so be freed from an
impotent Husband. He seemed well satisfied that I assented to his
proposal, and look’d upon it to be a good Omen, and promised success to
his undertaking. On the other side (said he) you must not be idle at
home; you know there is now none but the debauched that resort to our
house, and therefore suit their inclination, if ought can be gotten by
so doing. Your daughter is young, and handsom, let her be the sign to
attract; but pray let me have you furnish your self with other Utensils.
The Boy too is no fool, who, by observing your carriage, and direction,
hath very ill spent his time, if he cannot tolerably pimp as well for
others, as his Mother. Well, well, (said I) husband, you are merrily
disposed; look after your business, I shall manage my own well enough, I
warrant you. My Husband and his Tapster, committed many robberies in a
little time: and very few but what were on our Guests; who freely
discoursing their affairs over a glass of Wine after Supper, many times
discovering what store of money they carried with them, and for what
purpose, gave them a fair opportunity in the Morning to set on them, and
deprive them of it. Nay, so little suspected he was of robbing, that
several have returned to our house after he hath robb’d them, and made
their complaint to him, how basely they had been abused; it was alwayes
his care, and indeed therein he shewed the utmost of his prudence, to
return home with all the speed he might possibly, after he had rob’d
any; by which means, he and his Man rob’d a long time secretly.
It was generally their good fortune to meet with such as durst not fight
them; a thing that Travellers generally, and justly, are to be condemned
for; who, with easie parting with their money, they not only shew how
meanly spirited they are, but encourage the Thief in his robberies.
Whereas, on the contrary, would they shew themselves as desperate, and
as resolute as their assaulters, it is my opinion they would quickly
turn tail, as not daring to venture the hazard of the dispute. But to
return, though my Husband succeeded so well in his attempts, by meeting
with none but Cow-hearted fellows; yet once, waiting with his man in a
thicket, earely in the morning, for the passing by of a Gentleman that
had lain the night before in our house, who had a considerable Sum of
Money, in his Port-mantle, there travelled by another in the dawning of
the day, whom, by a mistake, my husband assaults; the other drawing a
Pistol, fired it at him, but mist him; however, the report had like to
have done as much mischief, as if the bullet had past through his body,
for with fear he fell from his horse; and had like to have saved the
Hangman a labour, by breaking his own neck. Our Tapster seeing his
Master fall, and verily believing he was kill’d by that was resolved to
revenge his death, had not he seen another come Rideing to him (which
was the Gentleman they lay in wait for) which made him altar his
purpose, and ride away, for the preservation of his own life. The
Gentleman supposing too, that he had really dispatcht this Pad, not
seeing him move all this while (which he confest to me afterwards, he
politickly did, to the intent he might be exempted from fighting, and
securely see the event of the Combat: the other two that came to his
assistance judg’d the same, and advised him to ride away with all speed
to the next Justice; not only to avoid the present danger, for (said he)
this other Rogue is rid away but to get some more of his fellows, to
make a further attempt) but you will also receive the thanks of the
Country, for destroying such Caterpillars, that eat up the Fruit of
their Land. Setting Spurrs to their Horses away they Gallopt, to find
out the next Justice; my Husband perceiving they were gone, got up, and
mounting rode full speed home, without so much as once looking behind
him. Coming home, he found me almost drown’d in tears, and half frighted
out of my wits; not so much for sorrow of his death (which news I had
privately sent me by our Tapster) but for fear, as soon as it should be
known who this slain Thief was, I should have my goods instantly siezed
on, and my doors shut up. I was in a Room by my self, getting some Plate
together, with other choice portable things; and coming to the stair
head, with an intent to convey them out of the house, met with my
Husband full butt; whose face being pale and wan, by reason of his late
great fear, possest me with so strong a conceit, that this was his
Ghost, that the fright made me skreek out, and letting fall what I had
in my Apron, I retreated. This sudden surprize so amazed him, that he
stood indeed like an apparition at the Chamber-door, and had not the
power to come in: this increast my belief, however, I pluckt up my
Spirits, and boldly askt him, what he was, and what he came for? He
sneakingly, in a low voyce, (for he was more than half dead) answered,
he was my Husband, and that he came to see me. My Husband, said I is
dead; and if thou be his damn’d Ghost, I conjure thee, by all that is
good, presently depart, and trouble me not now, since whilst living, I
could never be content, nor at quiet for thee. Not speaking one word, he
turn’d his back upon me, and went down stairs. I never believed my self
a Conjurer till now (although I have been called Witch a thousand times)
and indeed I knew not what to think of it, (comparing altogether)
whether this was a phantasm, or not, but troubling my thoughts no
further about that matter, I took up what I had dropt, and getting into
the yard, would have march’d off with what I had in my lap, had he not
hastened after me, and holding me fast by the arm, told me, that he was
not quite dead, though almost frightned out of his life, and therefore
begg’d me I would not remove any thing that might tend to his prejudice;
and if I would walk in, he would tell me his whole morning Adventure.
The two Gentlemen coming to the Justice, amply declared what an eminent
piece of Service they had done their Country, by killing on the place
one Padder, and putting to flight another; and that if his Worship
pleased to Summon a quantity of the Parish, to defend them if occasion
should require, they would shew them the place where the dead lay.
Hereupon there were a great many that offered themselves freely to go
along; but coming to the place, found neither man, nor horse, nor the
sign of one drop of blood. The Countrey People finding themselves thus
abused, and not knowing what the design of these two Gentlemen might be,
in putting such a trick upon them, laid hold on them, and carried them
back to the Justice; who being informed that there was not the least
appearance of what had pretendedly been done, askt them the reason, why
they thus abused themselves and others, with meer forgeries: to which
they both replyed, that their eyes had seen what their tongues related,
and concluded, that other padders, confederate with this, had carried
off the Body of their Brother, that they might avoid suspition. The
Justice and others were of the same opinion, and so the Gentlemen were
dismist.
Our Tapster hearing that his Master was in health, returned home,
resolving for the future, never to hazard his life with so great a peice
of cowardize; and to speak the truth, it was high time to leave off,
since they were shrewdly suspected by the whole Town to be High-way men,
they being seen so often together on Horse-back, both early and late. My
Trade however diminisht not, for I was taken notice of, all the Country
round, to be a dealer in secrets, and ready money commodities; nay,
there were not a few honest mens wives, that would not stick to trust me
in the disposal of the whole _Cargo_ of their reputation. Nay, I was so
excellent at my art, that neither Privateer, nor Publican would act any
difficult matter without my advice. I could Pimp, if occasion served
most incomparably; and I was lookt upon as the best _Procuress_ in all
our Countrey; which I would not have been, but that I was so much tyred
with my daily, nay, hourly Visitants; for though Age and Time have
conspired to ruine the glories of my face, I can assure you, the remains
may inform any they were good. Being so generally noted not only for my
beauty, but my art in _Pandarizing_, a Song was composed on me by some
riming _Doggril_ or other, which I will sing you thus, and so finish the
Story of my former lifes actions,
1. _At the Sign of the_ Swan
_There liveth a man,
I go not about to deceive you;
Ten thousand to one,
If you come, he is gone,
That his Wife may the better receive you._
2. _Lovely brown is her hair,
Her face comely fair,
Her waste you may span, ’tis so slender;
Negro black are eyes,
Passing white are her thighs,
All the allurements of_ Venus _attend her._
3. _Her Twins of delight,
(Which are alwayes in sight)
Her breasts which are whiter than snow,
By their panting do beat
An Alarm to the feat,
To combate her Lovers below._
4. _With her smiles she invites
To taste her delights;
Which I would, if I durst so presume;
But I fear she hath fires
Which will quench my desires,
But my body to ashes consume._
5. _She’s an excellent_ Pimp,
_The_ Devils _best_ Imp;
_She’s a_ Bawd, _she’s a whore, that’s too common
If you intend for to fly
Hells flames, come not nigh;
She’s a thing, that is worse than a_ Woman.
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