supposed to do so willingly, and with the intention of fulfilling its
many requirements. Do not accept and accompany a lady to her intended
destination, and continually show any displeasure in your position. Pay
strict attention to her, and leave her only when she is engaged in some
dance or occupation with another partner. Young ladies take escorts in
substitution for a brother or relative, and when so taking expect to find
them congenial and as equal to their duties as any brother or relative
would be. When asking a gentleman as escort the lady is expected to
furnish the carriage if it is her desire to ride; it is not necessary
for the gentleman to bring her flowers in return for her kindness, but
an after-gift of the same will suffice. When asking a lady to give you
the pleasure of her company for any event, you must, of course, expect
to pay all expenses; if in the evening, and she is an old acquaintance,
always expect to furnish a carriage. If only an acquaintance, and it is
necessary to use a carriage, then a chaperon should be brought with you.
But the cars are generally the mode of travel which can be used if a
chaperon is not desired.
Never take advantage of your situation when in a carriage alone with a
lady, by addressing her in any way too familiar to be polite.
2. Extravagance is one of the greatest faults into which young and old
persist in falling. Very few society men know what economy means. So to
point out a few ways by which extravagance may be at least modified by
gentlemen: (_a_) It is very poor taste for a person to show by his attire
extravagant inclinations. Do not dress too gaudily, or change the suits
more than is ordinarily necessary for special occasions. Let your dress
be not too costly, not too loud, but neat, of the styles described in
Part I. of this book, and do away with too great a variety of top and
over coats, neckties, patent leather shoes (for walking), and, above
all, elaborately figured waistcoats, also elaborate canes. They all
combine not only to appear extravagant, but destroy the effect of simple
elegance. (_b_) Do not spend money for a thing unless it is necessary
for your own good or that of a relation. Presents given by a single man
should be simple and of slight cost.
If engaged the rule is less strict; but if married a man should not only
teach himself the law of economy, but also his wife and children. Such
gifts as candy, flowers, jewelry, etc., should be given only by very dear
friends, which relation permits such presents to be of slight cost, while
they are appreciated as if of great cost. Costly gifts to acquaintances
are a gross extravagance.
3. Kissing is a pleasure which is not to be indulged in except among dear
relatives, the family, wife, or your _fiancée_. Never kiss or embrace
a person outside of these exceptions, no matter how old friends they
may be. No lady would allow you such a privilege, and if she should
so far forget her standing as to permit the act, you would be rude,
exceedingly so, and no gentleman, to take advantage of her forgetfulness.
Never, on any account, kiss or embrace the persons, as stated above, in
a public place,—it is common. No one knows your relationship, and no
one the length of time of separation; besides, the act of kissing is
very undignified and ungraceful. Of course these rules only apply to
gentlemen; they are not enforceable in respect to ladies, as the feminine
sex is supposed to be more demonstrative. Familiarity, though allowed,
breeds contempt by degrees.
4. Familiarity is a subject upon which the majority of society men can
discourse fluently, so practised are they in the art. In fact, society is
infected with this disease. It reigns on all occasions, be they private
or public. It is found in the most aristocratic circles, as in those of
less refinement. Why should this continue? It should not. Both ladies
and gentlemen use it; but of gentlemen, alone, I now speak. Freedom of
speech and freedom of manner constitute the general heads of familiarity.
(_a_) Freedom of manner has been partly defined under the heads of
kissing and embracing. Do not on any account allow of any rude actions on
your part; always keep a polite distance from a lady, and do not, if you
take her hand, retain too long a hold thereof, or press it with your own;
in fact, never touch a lady unless she is related to you, under the heads
set forth in Section 3, Personal Actions, unless it becomes absolutely
necessary; then do it in the most polite manner possible. (_b_) Freedom
of speech is the most important head of familiarity, and includes many
classes of rudeness. Do not be impertinent in your remarks to ladies,
ask no personal questions, do away with rude speech; seek not to impart
to her that which she should not know, or tries to turn a deaf ear to.
Improper remarks are poison from the tongue, and tend to ruin your
reputation in her estimation, as a gentleman, sooner or later. It is no
excuse if she tolerates your advances or not,—a gentleman is a gentleman,
and should remain so. Not only is this rule applicable to acquaintances,
but it should be strictly observed in your own family. Your sisters
should be as acquaintances as respects your behavior, and your mother and
father should command respect in your every word or action.
5. A gentleman, because he is married, should not suppose himself fitted
for the position of chaperon on occasions where it is necessary to leave
the city, or it is an evening affair; on the contrary, it is his duty
to refuse acceptance of such a position, unless himself and wife act as
the chaperons. If single, he should never offer his services as chaperon.
He may be such in the daytime, within the city, acting as a guide or
protector of his companion; but this is a very weak form of chaperonage
compared to that customary in society, which form generally concerns only
evening or out-of-town events, when a stricter rule is applied, under
the conditions of which a gentleman can never be a chaperon. It must be
remembered that though guide and protector are the true meanings of the
word chaperon, yet, as far as a gentleman can exercise that right, he can
be no more than an escort.
6. A gentleman should shake hands as seldom as possible. On introduction
and at parting should be the chief occasions for the act. This rule
refers only to your own sex. With ladies it is far stricter. You should
not shake hands on introduction to ladies, nor at parting; but at the
next meeting, or subsequent ones, if they appear desirous of such a
cordial greeting, grasp their hand, for it is at the option of a lady
whether or not the hands should come in contact with each other; but
never shake at parting. When taking a lady’s hand, grasp it firmly, but
gently, just sufficient pressure to convey the feeling of cordiality,
nothing more, and raising her hand to the height of her waist, shake it
gently two or three times, then release it; never hold it while speaking,
and do not attempt that awkward, lately originated style of raising
the hands above the face, with the fingers twisted out of shape; it is
clumsy, decidedly ridiculous in appearance, and very uncomfortable for
the lady.
7. Never kiss a lady’s hand when in public, and never privately, unless
engaged or very much attached to her, and not then unless she is willing
to undergo the torture.
Do not, as in hand-kissing, throw kisses to a person in public, and not
at all unless under the conditions stated above.
8. When engaged a gentleman should devote all his spare moments to his
_fiancée_. He should compel himself to forsake other ladies’ society,
allowing himself to be thrown therein only when accompanying his intended
to entertainments or dances, and then should control himself, so as to
give no cause of jealousy by his actions or apparent interest in others
of the fair sex. He should give all presents to her, take her to all the
entertainments and dances, and, in fact, let her find him always devotion
in everything. Clubs should be partially or wholly neglected for her.
Even under the circumstances, familiarity should be guardedly exercised,
especially with her family.
9. Introductions are the most important of any of the numerous acts of
society, constituting a custom established by long and frequent usage.
It is easy to introduce, no matter how or in what manner it is done, and
ninety-nine per cent. of introductions are either improperly conducted or
a mere mention of names. To constitute a proper introduction there must
be three requisites, viz.: Sufficient language to imply an introduction,
an objective name and a subjective name each distinctly pronounced. That
is to say: the object is the person to whom the subject is presented;
second, the subject of the introduction is the one whom you present. You
must pronounce both names distinctly. First, be sure that both are aware
of your intention and secure of each other’s attention, then proceed
by saying: _(Ex.)_ “Miss Smith [object], please allow me to present
Mr. Brown [subject].” This is all, and it is as simple as can be; yet
people will mumble and stammer and stumble through an introduction as
if it were the most difficult of performances. If the object or subject
of an introduction is a sister, brother, or parent, do not say, as many
do—Miss Smith, my brother, or my sister, naming the relation only; but
say always—Miss Smith, my brother, Mr. Brown. This rule is in view of the
fact that the introducer’s name is not always familiar to the object.
Never mention the name of the subject first. When introducing extend
the right or left hand as a gesture towards the person whom you are
introducing.
It is important to make introductions carefully and at the proper time.
Do not suffer a person with whom you are acquainted to remain in your
own party without introducing him to every member of that party. When
talking to a person, and joined by a third, immediately introduce. The
rules of introduction should be strictly observed in regard to ladies.
As much as possible avoid introducing on the street, and when doing
so do not stop the objective persons, but join them as explained in