attire, as it is essential that he present the same appearance before a
servant as a lady. The same rule should apply when he risks encountering
unknown gentlemen, or acquaintances, as it should be his desire to
receive respect at the hands of both sexes.
2. If passing up or down stairs or through halls, a gentleman should take
care not to tread heavily; especially is this urged in hotels, when it is
found necessary to pass through hallways late at night.
3. When about to ascend or descend a narrow stairway, if a lady is
discovered thereon, step aside and allow her to pass; your act thus
permitting her free way without the discomfort of turning, as would
follow if both met thereon.
If with a lady, in ascending or descending a narrow stairway, always
precede her, putting a distance of at least four steps between. If on a
broad stairway, allow her to occupy a place next the balustrade, placing
yourself at her other side.
4. Not under any consideration should a hat be worn in a house or
church; never in a theater till the play is over, when it is allowable,
as established by custom, on account of the draft following the opening
of the exits, and not in a hotel except in the office or smoking-rooms
thereof. The wearing of a hat is also permissible when lingering or
detained in the draft of any open exit to the street.
5. The body-coat should never be removed in the presence of ladies,
no matter how ready they may be to approve of the act, unless it is
their express and unanimous desire, in which case the better policy,
in choosing between the alternative of positive rudeness and a fall of
dignity, is to take the course requested.
6. An overcoat should never be worn in a private house unless the
temperature is such as makes the act compulsory in order to preserve the
health, and then only on receiving approval from the majority of those
ladies (only) who may be present. It is immaterial if it be worn in a
hotel, exceptions being made to the parlors, ball-room, dining-rooms
or apartments. The overcoat should be removed immediately on entering
a theater or music hall if the intention is to remove it at all, as it
is the height of rudeness to rise in the seat to remove it if the act
cause discomfort to, or obscures the view of, parties occupying rear or
adjoining seats.
7. (_a_) Never add to your comfort by making your appearance displeasing
to others. And under this head I would state that the pockets of either
coat, vest, or trousers should never be bulged out with articles so as in
any way to spoil the effect of neatness and cut of the clothing. (_b_)
The clothes should not be allowed to wrinkle; if carefully worn, or when
not in use hung smoothly on stretchers, wrinkles can be avoided. (_c_)
The hands should never be carried awkwardly, and especially must care be
taken to keep them out of the pockets; such habits mar the appearance of
the gentleman.
8. Cards.—(_a_) If calling upon one young lady, only one card should be
delivered at the door; if on two ladies, two cards are required. It is
unnecessary that more than two should be sent up, even if the call is
made on the whole family. This rule applies, also, in delivering cards at
receptions, teas, afternoon musicales, and the like. Always send cards
on occasions when you cannot attend in person. When calling upon ladies
visiting a card should also be sent to their hostess.
(_b_) The card should always have the gentleman’s address on the right
hand lower corner; or, if he has no permanent place of residence, then
the name of his club, or of some person in whose care communications can
be forwarded to him. If his name has too many initials to permit of using
the Christian name, then “Mr.” should be used, and only the initials
placed before the surname; but otherwise, the use of “Mr.” is according
to taste, whether it be placed before the Christian name or omitted,
though the latter is advised.
9. Calling should be confined entirely to the afternoon and evening; a
few exceptions can be made in the case of very dear friends, when a call
in the morning would not be out of the way. Such should be made between
the hours of eleven and one. Afternoon calls should be made from three
till five, exceptions being made on occasions where the lady is in the
habit of having five o’clock tea, when it is allowable for the gentleman
to stay till his cup or two cups are finished; on no account is he to
partake of more than two. Ordinary evening calls extend from eight to ten
and are not to be made later than eight-thirty. For no reason whatever
should a gentleman stay later than ten, unless he is calling upon his
fiancée; the evening receptions extend from eight to eleven, and the call
must be made before ten.
When pressed to remain to a meal, unless at least five or six calls have
previously been made, he should decline the invitation, exceptions being
permitted when the young lady’s parents or guardians are on intimate
terms with his own, in which case the second call will justify him in
accepting. Intimacy between her brothers or sisters and your own will
not suffice. The card is delivered at the door, and while waiting for
the lady, enter the parlor. It is not necessary to remove the overcoat
until the butler announces whether or not she is at home and can see you;
whereupon, if she acknowledges your card, the overcoat, hat, cane and
overshoes are to be left in the hall; on no account leave them about the
parlor. It is not necessary to remove the gloves. This rule applies in
all cases where ordinary calls are in question; if merely on a mission
to occupy but a few moments, the overcoat may be kept on, and the cane
carried in the hand, but the hat must always be left upon the rack.
Always rise and advance to meet a lady at the door; do not subject her
to the inconvenience of discovering you and coming to you herself. If
the lady seats herself upon a sofa, do not place yourself beside her
without first obtaining her consent. If you take the seat, be careful of
your position, and do not appear too easy and at home, and, above all,
do not cross the legs. Also, keep the hands as quiet as possible; don’t
handle any objects or toy with ornaments, or twist your watch-chain, for
it shows you are either nervous or fidgety, and you thereby produce
the nervous effect upon your companion. The conversation should be of a
sensible topic; or, if amusing, it should be at least interesting: the
best topics to converse upon being theaters, plays, society, picture
exhibitions, art, buildings, literature, and especially light gossip.
Travels may also be discussed, but first ascertain of the lady whether
she has traveled; if not, and she does not ask you to recite your
travels, and it is your desire to do so, then describe them as briefly as
possible. If you find a young lady begins to appear restless, say a few
words more and take your departure; there is no knowing but that she has
some other engagement. Never at any time speak of an acquaintance in a
disagreeable manner. Do not even say anything unguardedly about a third
person, for fear that the trait or action you describe may disclose to
your companion of whom you are speaking. These last two cautions may seem
of minor importance, but they are, on the contrary, very important, as
thousands of serious quarrels result from neglecting them.
10. When in company, do not by word or action make yourself obnoxious to
those present. Your words should be well chosen and spoken at the proper
time, and in good grammar; omit slang. If of a joking frame of mind,
deliver your joke in a quiet way, and do not carry your ability too far;
for too much of a good thing is worse than none at all. A few good jokes,
delivered with telling effect, will do more for your reputation in that
line than a thousand poor ones improperly delivered. No man should laugh
at his own joke, and when doing so at others’ he should take care not
to be boisterous. Do not monopolize the conversation; it cannot be done
without interrupting others, and to do that is the height of rudeness.
When in company, and persons are talking, do not pick them up on any
statement of which you do not approve, and pointedly contradict them, nor
start any argument which would tend to their embarrassment. Never flatter
or compliment in company, as it makes the object of your attention feel
conspicuous, and those present imagine that they are of less importance
in your estimation. Do not ask a young lady to attend any entertainment
with you, or do not extend any invitation if another lady be present,
with whom you are even but slightly acquainted; your partiality for one
should never be disclosed to another. Unless you can do it gracefully, do
not execute a dance or attempt to imitate stage performers.
Also take care not to upset or run into ornaments or stub the toe against
them, and be sure of your footing, that you do not trip on mats, etc. A
great many gentlemen imagine it to be necessary to back out of a room on
taking their departure; not so,—merely say “good-by” (or “good-morning,”
or words suited to the time of day), and, turning to the door, walk out
to the hallway. If the hostess has an inclination or desire to follow you
and continue any unfinished subject which may have been under discussion,
it is not necessary to retire in so awkward a manner. Promptly announce
your intention and enter the hall; while adjusting the overcoat and
gloves, the conversation can be continued. This method can be exercised
without the faintest appearance of rudeness.… Subjects to be carefully
studied for company use may be found under the head of “Conversation.”
11. If you are at a special invitation afternoon tea or reception, pay
particular attention to the hostess whenever she is seen unoccupied, and
offer your company in escorting her to partake of refreshments. Always
eat lightly of the viands yourself. If a crowded reception, half an hour
only should be spent thereat. A reception call should be made within
three months thereafter; half an hour, or possibly three-quarters, is
proper for such a call.
12. A gentleman should never enter his sister’s luncheon hall when the
repast is in progress; such intrusions prove fatal to topics of dress
generally under discussion, or other matter not intended for his ears.
A gentleman can give a stag luncheon, or a luncheon for both ladies and
gentlemen if a chaperon presides.
Under this head informal lunches may also be discussed. These are
such as persons are apt to partake of without any special previous
arrangement, either at restaurants or private houses. As a gentleman
is at liberty to dine where he pleases, I only speak of the subject in
connection with ladies.
A gentleman should never invite a lady to lunch at his own house, no
matter how well acquainted he may be with her, not even when engaged,
unless a chaperon be present at the meal, and not invite her at all
unless he has met her very frequently beforehand.
A gentleman can accept an invitation to lunch with a lady under the same
conditions as those of an invitation to stay to dinner when calling (see
Sec. 9.)
When desirous of asking a lady to lunch at a restaurant, whether you take
her direct from the house to it, or while walking, makes no difference;
a chaperon must be present at the meal unless you bear an existing or
agreed future relationship to her, or your friendship is understood
by your own and the lady’s friends to be so dear as not to allow of
suspicion or question—when a chaperon can be dispensed with.
Without a chaperon be extremely careful in your selection of a
restaurant; seek those whose reputation is quiet and refined and of less
publicity than the rest of the well-known restaurants. Always when with a
lady enter the restaurant by the door intended for ladies’ use; never by
the public entrance.
13. Evening parties should be attended before the hour of eleven, in full
dress. If with a lady do not keep her waiting, but rather let her find
you awaiting her at the dressing-room door. If alone or otherwise take
care to seek the hostess on entering the parlor; this is a piece of
politeness sadly overlooked nowadays, especially by individual gentlemen.
At a dance always take the inside arm of a lady while promenading.
Repeatedly ask after her thirst, and never allow her to approach the
refreshment table, but bring the glass to her on your kerchief if there
are no doilys. Always pay particular attention to the hostess, and
ask her repeatedly to dance. Never, if idle and you see her without a
partner, allow her to remain thus alone; under such circumstances, likes
and dislikes should be set aside, or you should not have attended the
dance. Always offer your arm to your partner immediately on ceasing to
dance. Make it a rule never to leave a dance without bidding the host or
hostess good-night, and thanking them for the pleasures of the evening.
This is another poor policy of a great many men, to leave quietly
without the knowledge of the host or hostess.
Party calls should be made within a year at the farthest after the party,
and should occupy the same length of time as an ordinary call.
14. Dinners should be attended promptly on time. Always allow the ladies
to be seated first. Do not attempt to pass anything if the servants are
present, nor even if they are not present unless expressly requested to
do so.
Do not attempt to speak when the mouth contains food. When spoken to,
a motion of the head will be sufficient to convey the reply intended,
and at the same time to acquaint your questioner with the fact that he
has spoken inopportunely. In order to conform to the various customs it
is advisable to abstain as long as is prudent from folding the napkin
till you view the action therein of the host or hostess. But this is
only necessary at more or less informal dinners. The prevailing custom
of formal dinners is never to fold the napkin. Care must be taken not to
make noises with the mouth, when eating, and not to smack the lips. If a
total abstainer from drink, you must not turn your glasses upside-down,
nor allow them filled. Merely stop the servant when your glass is half
filled, thus preventing comment and complete waste at one and the same
time. You must not call the servants, but endeavor to beckon them to you
with the head and eyes, not with the finger. Never speak louder than
will allow of a comprehension of what you are saying. Do not toy with
articles on the table, and when the hands are not employed in eating they
must be kept in the lap. Don’t put the elbows on the table. Reading is
not to be indulged in at the table, unless it is a letter or special
communication, when you must beg pardon for your rudeness. Do not leave
the table before the rest have finished except in case of necessity, and
then by permission only, always excusing yourself. When remaining till
the finish, never rise till the host or hostess or both have signified
that the meal is at an end, by rising first.
15. There is one custom in this work which above all others is essential
to every man who has any desire to play the _rôle_ of a thorough social
success, and that requirement is dancing. There is not one thing which
a society gentleman performs, which gives so much enjoyment not only to
himself, but to others. Nothing is more closely criticized, nothing more
prominent when in execution; nothing more benefiting as an exercise,
and nothing more satisfactory to the performer, than dancing. By that
word is meant any performance which has the name of dance, and which has
the requisites of “grace,” “ease,” and “perfect performance.” To be a
perfect dancer the above expressions in reference to your dancing should
be won from your admirers. Do not think, because you have an idea of
how to dance, that you really do so perfectly. The first requirement to
good dancing is grace. If you are graceful you cannot appear awkward to
on-lookers, for your step is firm, body quiet, and arms still. The arm is
never pumped, and the feet are barely lifted off the floor. To have ease,
a dancer should appear confident of his ability, and show that ability
by a correct and actual performance of the dance in the above-explained
graceful way. To have a perfect performance of a dance, both of
the former requirements are to be exercised, with these additional
requisites, viz.: use a long decided glide, never jump or hop, always
reverse equally as much as you turn the original way, keep to the side of
the room, direction to the right from the entrance. Do not collide with
other couples, or at least protect your partner from sudden collisions,
and on no account allow her to slip.
The right hand should be at the lady’s back, between the lower ends of
the shoulder-blades, and should always carry a silk handkerchief. Never
in dancing hold a lady close to you, for it is the most disagreeable
position for her, and looks decidedly improper. Hold your partner at
all times at arms’ length; this gives you freedom of speech, space to
use the feet, and allows you to glide more easily. In a waltz, always
take a long, sweeping glide, with as little rise as possible. Any step
between a Boston dip and the Philadelphia glide, if used as a sort of an
imperceptible, sweeping dip, will appear to great advantage on the floor.
A Polka should either be glided or walked through; never skip, and do not
take too long a step, and do away entirely with all fancy variations of
the dance. Keep strictly to the original Polka form and you will avoid
all awkward appearances. The same rule applies to the Yorke, Galop, etc.
The Schottische is a beautiful dance, if performed gracefully as in the
waltz, only much more care should be exercised in the forward steps. Do
not use that once popular, but awkward manner of skipping in this dance,
but the more modern three running steps. Those familiar with all these
popular dances will comprehend the importance of my criticisms. The
Caprice is the combination dance of waltz and polka, and necessitates
more care and attention than any other. Nothing but the glide step
should be used in this dance.
16. Balls, Dancing Classes, Theater Parties, Receptions.—These may all
be given by gentlemen, if they have married ladies as patronesses.
Theater parties can be followed by dinners at the popular restaurants,
the chaperon attending. If the party occupies more than one box, an equal
number of chaperons should accompany it.
17. Bowling—Card-playing.—In bowling, a gentleman should keep the score,
notify the ladies of their turns as they come round, hand them the
balls—not too large, but heavy enough to be thrown with ease and effect.
See that they enjoy the game thoroughly, or else cease the sport. If you
notice fatigue in a lady’s manner, ask her to desist. Many sprains,
dislocations, and twists are the result of attempting to throw balls
with tired wrists. A gentleman can organize a bowling club under the
supervision of a chaperon attending each meeting.
At cards, he pays strict attention to those playing; he endeavors to make
the games pleasant. He should never look over another’s hand of cards;
and, above all, should never cheat. He should never gamble and bet on
cards, nor allow games of that kind in his house.
18. Musicales—Matinée Parties.—Gentlemen attend these either as escorts
or alone. They are at liberty to give them whenever they desire to do so.
They must always have a patroness or chaperon present.
19. (1) When asked to participate in amateur theatricals, do not
unhesitatingly accept the invitation, but first consider your ability,
not only to act the part tendered you, but that which is of more
importance, viz., to be able to act gracefully, and carry it out in
all its perfection; for it is only of too frequent occurrence that
young men readily accept, confident of being able to memorize their
part, disregarding the fact that memorizing is not acting. After having
accepted an invitation to act, being of fair ability so to do, be
careful to pay strict attention to your part, and be punctual at all
the rehearsals. Gentlemen can organize amateur theatrical clubs among
themselves at discretion, but on no occasion should ladies be included
without a chaperon at hand.
(2) Never offer to recite, and if asked to do so, decline, unless you are
sure of what you are about to recite. Do not make your recitations too
lengthy, and not too dramatic. Be sure that your gestures are fitted for
the words used; make them few, but telling. Do not hurry through a piece;
and above all, do not shout; suit the voice to the size of the room or
hall in which you are reciting. If encored, acknowledge such by another
piece, or repetition of the first; but to further applause, merely bow.
20. Breakfasts can be given at any time within the hours of eight and
twelve A. M., to gentlemen, or ladies and gentlemen, a chaperon being
present for the latter. Invitations for these, as for any other event,
should be answered within the customary time—two weeks before the
occurrence; or, if the invitation is later than two weeks before date of
breakfast, an immediate reply is necessary.
21. When in company never offer to sing unless you are perfectly
confident of your ability to satisfy the expectations of those present.
If asked to sing, unless of ability to do so, be not too ready to accept
the invitation, but wait till it is tendered you again, so that, in case
of failure, you be not looked so unfavorably upon as if you had accepted
readily; the same rule applies to playing upon instruments. When singing
or playing reply to only one encore; to more, merely bow or offer your
excuses.
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[Illustration]
ACTIONS OUTDOORS