telling sumboddy that yure gal was as hansum as a rose, but thare might
possibly be sum wit into it if yu should go on and say that she was as
frail, and as thorny, too.
Humor (as compared with wit) seems to be what the old fashioned folks
in Connecticut used tew call "heat lightning," not the original artikle
that gashes the heavens with a flaming sword, and makes a fellow's hair
get up on end and ake with astonishment. Humor don't dazzle, don't
knock a man down with a sparkle; it is more a soothing syrup, sumthing
tew tickle, without enny danger ov throwing the patient into fits.
Thare seems tew be more than one kind ov wit; punning is called wit,
but punning alwus looked to me like trieing tew make words pass for
ideas.
Thare is without doubt, sum wit in puns, but it is something like
sticking a pin into a man, just for fun, and then ask him tew join in
the joke.
Thare is sum more kinds ov wit, but i find i aint roomy enuff in the
skull tew talk mutch about them.
Wit and humor both are similar tew kissing; thare is a peculiar kind ov
bewitchment in awl three ov them, that evryboddy can acknowledge better
than they can pictur out.
Almost evryboddy hankers tew be witty, and most folks think they am,
but ginowine wit is like piety; thare aint much ov it in the market,
and those who think they hav the least ov it, are quite apt tew hav the
most.
_Philo._--I am chuck full ov favourable sentiments towards dancing. I
like most awl kinds, from a genteel, and modest Saratoger prance, tew
the limber, and loose bilt Alabama break-down. Thare is no other way
tew git the booby out ov a boy, and keep him from steping onto himself,
than tew learn him how tew danse. This kind ov leg manuel is useful for
both sexes. Dancing is just as harmless as gitting over a fence, and i
think dancing-masters should be encouraged, but still i haint got enny
more respekt for a full grown man, who weighs over a hundred pounds,
who will give himself up tew this profession, ov learning folks how tew
dance, than I hav for the fellow who exhibits trained mice. The best
apology that i kan make, tew these dancing professors, is tew say, that
they are martyrs tew the calling. But while I am loud in mi sentiments
for the theory ov motion, thare is sum ov its collaterals that don't
fasten onto my bussum with mutch exta-tickness, but rather with grate
clammyness. I don't kno but awl the kind ov dances that are now raging,
are as free from guile as an oyster, but i hav witnessed sum amung the
top ov the ladder folks, (i don't know the name ov the dances) that i
think ought tew be confined tew the married people, and each man with
his own wife, and not tew menny bystanders at that.
The amusements which i refer to, are ov the cluss communion style, a
species ov affectionate rotaryousness, interspersed with palpitating
pauses, and demiquaver wiglings, which, strike me, must be indulged in
with great risk by those whose minds and hearts ain't thoroughly broke
to go in aul harness.
I kant dance miself; i was away from hum in mi younger dase, bissy
about sumthing else, when i ought tew hav learnt, and the consequents
is, that i cant even walk now without betraying mi awkwardness.
I am most certainly in favor ov dancing, as a matter of boddy and limb
educashun; but i hope the fastidious and immoderately polite won't
introduce into the exercise ov this most delightful and innocent
amusement enny more questionable figgers and forms, and will see the
propriety ov banishing some now already indulged in, which are more a
credit tew their dexterity and prurient knowledge than tew enny thing
else.
_Plutark._--"Bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he gits
old, he won't depart from it."
This is trew, but it is tuff to know how to do it.
I have seen children brought up on hasty pudding and the catechism,
half and half; but they didn't stick. Ministers' sons are proverbial
eggs for badness; this may be owing tew the fact, that religious
discipline aint half so good tew raise young ones on as good common
sense is.
When I speak ov "religious discipline," Plutark, i don't mean piety, i
only mean a certain kind of stiff-faced and buckram morality, made up
out ov creed and ironclad noshons.
As a general thing ministers hav as little tew brag ov, over and above
their piety, as ennybody i kno ov.
As a class, they are better judges of chicken pie than they are of
human natur; their theorys are too much like a tredmill, and there is
nothing in the world will ruin a child enny faster than tew bring them
up by rule.
Children want studdying as much as the weather dus during planting
time, tew know when and what tew plant.
One child may be as easy tew raise as pertatoes, and the next one as
difficult as wild oats.
I have raised two miself, and consider them a fair average, and the
only string I fiddled on was their good sense, and the more sense a
child has got the less fiddling is necessary.
If a young one haint got enny sense, they won't pay for raising
ennyhow.
If a child has got plenty ov sense, they are apt tew hav pride, and a
child that has got sense and pride, is just as easy tew raise as a
hopvine; aul you want to dew is tew stick up a decent pole for them,
and then stand one side and look on, and jerusalem! how the critters
will climb.
LXXI.
AULMINAK FOR 1869.
MARCH.
March begins on Saturday, and hangs on for 31 days.
_Saturday, 1st._--Sum wind; look out for squalls, and pack peddlers;
munny iz tight, so are briks. Ben Jonson had his boots tapped 1574;
eggs a dollar a piece, hens on a strike; mercury 45 degrees above zero;
snow, mixed with wind.
_Sunday, 2nd._--Horace Greeley preaches in Grace church; text, "the
gentleman in black," wind north-west, with simptoms of dust; hen strike
continues; the ringleaders are finally arrested and sent to pot; eggs
eazier.
_Monday, 3rd._--Big wind; omnibus, with 17 passengers inside, blown
over in Broadway; sow lettuce, and sow on buttons; about these days
look out for wind; Augustus Ceazer sighns the tempranse pledge 1286;
strong simptoms ov spring; blue birds and organ grinders make their
appearance; sun sets in wind.
_Tuesday, 4th._--Augustus Ceazer breaks the pledge 1286; "put not your
trust in kings, and princes;" much wind with rain; a whole lot ov
naughty children destroyed in Mercer street by wind; several gusts ov
wind; buckwheat slapjacks invented 1745; Andy Johnson commits suicide;
grate failure in Wall street; the Bulls fail tew inflate Erie; windy.
_Wensday, 5th._--A good day tew set a hen; mutch wind: "he that spareth
the child, hateth the rod;" wind raises awnings, and hoop skirts;
William Seward resigns in favor ov Fernando Would; Thad Stevens jines
the mormons.
_Thursday, 6th._--Wind generally, accompanied with wind from the east;
the Black Crook still rages; more wind; whisky hots still in favor ov
the seller; sow peas, and punkin pies, for arly sass; babes in the
woods born 1600; wind threatens.
_Friday, 7th._--Fred Douglass nominated for president by the demokrats;
black clouds in the west; wind brewing; grate scare in Nassau street; a
man runs over a horce; Docktors Pug and Bug in immediate attendance;
horce not expekted tew live. Rain and snow and wind and mud, about
equally mixt.
_Saturday, 8th._--Horce more easier this morning; mint julips offered,
but no takers. About these days expect wind; wind from the northwest; a
good day for wind mills. Half-past 5 o'clock, P.M., the following notis
appears on all the bulletin boards. "Doctor Pug thinks the horce, with
the most skillful treatment at the hands ov the attendant physicians,
may possibly be rendered suitable for a clam waggon, and Doctor Bug
corroborates Pug, _provided_, the oleaginous dipthong that connects the
parodial glysses with the nervaqular episode, is not displaced; if so,
the most consumit skill ov the profeshion will be requisite to restore
a secondary unity." Later--"The horce has been turned out tew grass."
_Sunday, 9th._--This is the Sabbath, a day that our fathers thought a
good deal ov. Mutch wind (in sum ov the churches); streets lively,
bissiness good; prize fight on the palisades; police reach the ground
after the fight is aul over, and arrest the ropes and the ring. Wind
sutherly; a lager-beer spring discovered just out ov the limits ov the
city; millions are flocking out to see it.
_Monday, 10th._--A gale, mile stuns are torn up bi the rutes; fight for
700 dollars and the belt, at Red Bank, Nu Jersey, between two well
known roosters; oysters fust eaten on the half shell 1342, by Don
Bivalvo, an Irish Duke; sun sets in the west.
_Tuesday, 11th._--Roosters still fighting; indications ov wind;
counterfeit Tens in circulashun on the Faro Bank; look out for them;
milk only 15 cents a quart; thank the Lord, "the good time," has
finally come; Don Quixot fights his first wind mill, 1510, at short
range, and got whipped the second round; time 14 minnits.
9:30 P.M.--Torch-lite procession at Red Bank, in honor ov the winning
rooster.
_Wednesday, 12th._--Sum wind, with wet showers; showers smell strong ov
dandylions and grass; gold 132 17-16; exchange on Brooklin and
Williamsburgh, one cent (by the ferry boats.)
_Thursday. 13th._--Bad day for the alminak bissiness; no nuze, no wind;
no cards; no nothing.
_Friday, 14th._--Wendal Phillips tares up the constitushun ov the
United States; "alas! poor Yorick;" rain from abuv; strawberries,
watermillions and peaches, gitting skase; rain continners, accompanied
with thunder and slight moister; mercury abuv zero.
_Saturday, 15th._--Grate fraud diskovered in the custom house--3
dollars missing; fifty subordinates suspended; a wet rain sets in;
robbins cum, and immediately begin tew enquire for sum cherrys.
_Sunday, 16th._--Henry W. Beecher preaches in Brooklyn by partickular
request; dandylions in market only 15 cents a head.
_Monday, 17th._--Plant sum beans; plant them deep; if yu don't they
will be sure tew cum up. Robinson Cruso born 1515, all alone, on a
destitute iland. Warm rain, mixt with wind; woodchucks cum out ov their
holes and begin tew chuck a little.
_Tuesday, 18th._--Look out for rain and yu will be apt tew see it; wind
sow bi sow west; ice discovered in our Rushion purchiss; miners rushing
that way; geese are seen marching in single phile, a sure indicashun ov
the cholera; musketose invented by George Tucker, Esq., 1491; patent
applied for but refused, on the ground that they might bight sumboddy.
_Wensday, 19th._--A mare's nest discovered in Ontary county; a warm and
slightly liquid rain; thousands ov people hav visited the nest; windy;
the old mare is dredfull cross and kickful; hens average an egg a day,
beside several cackels.
_Thursday, 20th._--Appearance ov rain; plant corn for early whiskey;
frogs hold their fust concert--Ole Bullfrog musical direcktor--matinee
every afternoon; snakes are caught wriggling (an old trick ov theirs);
a warm and muggy night; yu can hear the bullheads bark; United States
buys the iland ov Great Brittain.
LXXII.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
"THE CLAM."--The claim iz a bulbous plant, and resides on the under
side ov the water. He iz born az the birds are, but don't cum out ov
his shell. He iz deserted by his parents, at a young and tender age,
but don't bekum clamarous on this akount, but sits still, and keeps
watch with hiz mouth, for sumthin tew cum along.
Hiz temper iz sed tew be cold, and clammy, but he must have a relish
for sumthing, for hiz mouth waters aul the time. He iz the life ov the
kompany at a clam-bake, and sumtimes may be seen sunning a half bushell
ov himself, in front ov a grocery, and quite often 13 ov them, under
the temporarious excitement ov salt and peppersas, hav bin known tew
peal, and pitch into a man belo the belt, and kick up-a devil ov a muss
with him.
The clam and the oyster are cuzzins, but the oyster haz the best
edukashun ov the two; their habits are simlar, but thare iz a grate
diffrence in the thickness ov their skulls, and in the softness ov
their brains; the oyster would shine az a poet, in the collums of the
monthly * * * * *, while the clam might do the fish market report for
the New York daily * * * * *.
Thare iz nothing more docile than the clam, and altho they sumtimes git
into a stew, they are az eazy tew lay yure hand on, and ketch, az a
stun, but they are like an injun, not very talky; they hav got an
impediment in their noize; their lips open with too much titeness, and
their mouth iz tew full ov tongue tew be glib.
Thare iz az mutch diffrence in the breed ov clams, az thare iz in the
breed ov christians; sum are so tender; and sum are so tuff,--sum are
good on the half shell, at a minnitt's notis, and sum want az mutch
biling az a hoss shu, and then will stand a good deal ov chawing
besides.
Clams were fust diskovered, az the meazles waz, by being caught. How
long a clam kan live I don't beleaf they kan tell themselfs, probably 5
thousand years, but a large share ov this time iz wasted; a clam's time
aint worth mutch, only tew grow tuff in; it is jiss so with sum other
folks I kno ov.
* * * * *
"THE CRAB."--Natur is fond ov a joke.
She must have felt full ov fun, when she made a soft shell crab. The
strongest emotion the crab haz iz tew bite. They aint afrade tew bite a
sawlog, or a black bear. They are born in the water, but they kan live
out doors on the land as long az they kan find ennything tew bite.
They hav several leggs, which are aul lokated on the starboard side ov
their person. Crabs liv under cover, like the mud turtles, but they
move evry fust ov May, into a new one.
They are sed tew be good eating, but you wouldn't think so tew stand
and look at them; it would bother a stranger tew tell where tew begin;
it would be a good deal like trying tew make a sudden dinner out ov a
kross kut saw.
They are biled in a pot, about 3 bushels ov them, until they stop
biting, and then they are done, and are et by throwing away the boddy,
and sucking the pith out ov the limbs. It is a good deal like trieng
tew get the meat out ov a grasshopper's leggs. It is considered a good
day's work to git one dinner out of biled crabs; I think perhaps a
person mite sustane life on them, but he would hav tew work nite and
day to do it, and keep a smart man biling crabs aul the time. Crabs
bite with their feet, and hang on like a country couzin.
LXXIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE INQUISITIVE MAN.
Thare iz no commerce which men and wimmin indulge in, that haz so much
plezure in it, and at the same time iz subjeckt tew such peculiaritys
and abuses, az askin questions.
I hav seen people who could ask questions awl day long, and not looze
enny flesh.
Theze kind are like 2 inch augers--espeshilly ordained.
They don't seem tew have enny difinite objeckt in view, and therefore
seldum git satisfied, but if they ever do git satisfied, they are then
awl reddy to begin agin.
They are something like the festiff-muskeeter, they kan liv on nothing,
if it iz necessary, but they don't like tew be idle, and the best way
to drive them oph, iz tew let them settle, and git full.
The inquisitive man don't seem tew be aktuated by maliss, or envy; he
iz only dry, and asking questions iz the only thing that will wet hiz
drouth.
They most alwus live tew a good old age, and often die ritch and even
virtuous, but never satisfied; yu might az well undertake tew blow up a
shad net with wind, az tew fill a genuine quidnunker with nuze.
* * * * *
THE LAZY MAN.
Self-preservashun iz the fust law ov natur, and laziness iz the sekund.
Laziness iz a kind ov moral dispepshee, or a species of virtuous gout.
It iz just az natral for a man tew be lazy, az it iz tew be born.
I never knu a lazy man tew really want ennything, wanting things iz
just what spiles a man for laziness. Awl kinds ov laber requires an
insentive; thare aint but now and then a man who is anxious tew saw dri
hickory wood twice in 2 awl day long jist for fun.
Even boys hav tew be larnt how tew work, just az a dorg haz tew be
lernt how to churn butter, and i hav known dorgs, after they had got
well lernt, to hide under the barn churning days.
If laber iz a cuss, it strikes me that laziness must be a blessing.
Bees are alwus quoted az patterns ov industry, but bees don't lay up
enny hunny in those kuntrys whare the flowers bloom the year round.
But i am not in favour ov laziness, and don't recommend it, even if it
iz natral, enny more than i would recommend murder, bekauze the fust
man that waz born into the wurld saw fit tew kill the seckund one
naturally.
I hav alwus looked upon a lazy man az a kind ov natral pirate, who
lives upon the oats ov others, and don't think he haz enny more right
tew live and be lazy than a snake haz.
In conclusion, laziness iz like red hair, the only way tew cure it iz
to die.
I forgot to say that the lazyest man I ever knu lived a little
southeast ov Dunkirk; he waz too lazy to pay hiz honest dets, or even
wipe hiz noze, and so he let them both run.
THE PERFEKT MAN.
It is hard work tew be perfeckt, and yet thare is menny who reach
perfekshun with fust rate skill.
Thare seems to be 2 kinds ov worldly perfekshun; one kind is very mutch
like a squash; if it is good, it is good bekause it kant help it.
I alwus envy this kind, they don't hav enny intestine fights with
themselfs; they are like an eight day clock, don't want winding up but
onst a week.
Their morality is like the Eolian harp; even an east wind will play a
pleasant tune upon it.
The other kind ov perfektion belongs tew those folks who kno they are
perfekt, these kind ov perfectioners travel on their muscle, and
wouldn't be afrade tew fight the Devil for 200 dollars a side.
Whenever yu find a man who is natrally perfekt, yu will find one who
either never haz been temted or who haint got enny thing worth
tempting. And whenever you find a man who sez he is perfekt, yu find
one who want swatching az much az a buzz saw duz. Theze 2 kinds ov
moral perfectioners are the only ones i kno ov in this wurld; we kan
awl ov us imagine, and even hanker, for sumthing better than either ov
theze, but perfekshun is not earthy, it roosts near the skeys.
THE FAULT-FINDING MAN.
Good Lord deliver us! Good Lord deliver us now this minnit! from the
fault-finding man.
One ov yure wheezing cusses, i mean.
These kind ov humin critters are alwus full ov natral flesh; evry boddy
iz wrong but they grab thissells, whare other folks gather figs. If
they enjoy enny thing they do it under a kind ov protest, and if enny
body else enjoys enny thing, they are reddy tew bet 10 dollars, they
lie about it.
I pitty these poor fellers, more than i do a lost dorg.
Their happiness seems tew be alwus drawn from the top ov their misery.
Rather than not be able tew find enny fault, they wouldn't hezitate tew
say tew an angle-worm, that his tail was altogether too long for the
rest of his boddy.
They keep up a kind ov running fight, all their lives, with evry thing
they cum across, but seldum ever win a battle; they are like a
second-rate bull terrier, alwus a fighting and alwus a gitting licked.
LXXIV.
JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENCE.
"_Bushrod._"--I got yure faver bi this morning's mail, and taking oph
mi cut, and rooling up mi sleeves, and spitting on mi hands, repli az
follers:
If yu have got plenty ov brains, and no money, Nu York citty iz a good
place tew cum to, but if yu hav got plenty ov money, and no brains,
stay right whare yu are, and keep in the house most always.
A ritch phool, in this citty, iz soon smelt out, and then don't last
enny longer than a nuzeboy's brekfast.
If you haint got enny money, nor enny brains, steal a cow, the fust
good chance yu kan git, and live quietly on the milk.
"_Deacon._"'--Yure question iz too big; i kant tell which i think iz
the most preacher, Chapin or Beecher.
They kan, either ov them, preach the gospel up a heavier grade than
enny men i kno ov, in North Amerika, including our rushing possessions.
Sum folks think that religion consists in preaching the gospel thru
yure noze, and that piety iz a kind ov moral jandies, but i don't; i
beleave the Lord iz not angry at a lively christian, provided he iz
level, and duz bizz square, after dark.
Sum people are down on sensashun preachers, but i aint. Paul waz a
sensashioner ov the best brand, and i kno ov lots ov places now, whare
a man could preach the gospel, with one hand on hiz revolver, and do a
good bizzness.
The world iz choked up with human beings, who hav either got tew be
skared or drove into heaven, if they ever git thare.
I kan imagine that it iz hard work for a man, with a head full ov
lightning, not tew flash once in a while, but lightning don't skare me;
I had rather be struk with it, than tew be strangled with sawdust.
Thare iz plenty of churches in the United States left, whare yu kan
have religion measured out to yu by the small meazure, and whare piety
sits like an owl on its roost. If yu are afrade ov lightning, tend one
ov theze.
I have sot under dull and under lively preeching, and i say, (if thare
iz enny to spare,) give me the lively.
"_Molly._"--Street dresses are worn here almost unanimously; in fackt,
it iz impossibel tew see enny kind ov a femail in the streets without
sum kind of a dress on--i mean street dress.
They are made in the shape ov a dinner-bell, and fit just about az
tight.
Waterfalls are a peg higher than they waz, and soon will be worn on the
top ov the hed, like a rooster's comb.
Hoop skirts are close-reefed, and tilters are on their last leggs.
Kid gloves are the rage in lavender; the more lavender the better, and
the hair eddys in front, like a nest ov yung whirlpools just hatched
out, and drops down behind from the waterfall in one link a foot long,
about the size ov a rope, with the pucker coming out ov it.
"_Barney_"--I received the rat tarrier yu sent me by the Merchants'
Union Express, last evening, and gave him a quart ov milk for hiz tea.
He pocketed the milk, and wagged for sum more; it made him stick out
like a false caff.
He slept sound last night, and hasn't waked up yet, altho it iz now 10
o'clock this morning.
I have stopped writing tew tickle hiz nose with a pin, and he iz now
rushing things around the room for sum rats.
He haz just tipped over a Chinese god, worth 8 dollars, and broke him,
he will git rats when mi wife cums in.
He kant find enny rats, and is now chawing oph mi little boy's toe--to
hiz shoe.
He iz now crazy for rats agin, and will smash the other vase agin, I'll
bet.
Thare goes the other vase, bi thunder! all tew powder.
He iz now out ov wind, and iz running hiz tung out and in.
He wants tew go out doors for sumthing, and i hav let him went.
He haz just found a poor little boy in the street, whom he knows, and
the boy seems tew know him, and they hav gone round the next block, on
a run, together, tew see sumthing.
He don't seem tew cum back!
It iz now to-morrow, and the tarrier don't seem tew cum back.
My wife iz glad ov it.
I am out 2 vases, a quart of nu milk, and one tarrier.
My wife sez, if i ever buy another rat pup, she will put him tew
immediate soak in the cistern at onst.
Mi wife iz one ov them kind ov wimmin that don't make enny statements
unless they are true, so yu needn't send me enny more tarrier.
LXXV.
CUPID ON A RAID.
It iz real singular what a man-killer and a woman killer the god Cupid
iz for one ov hiz heft.
He iz piktured out on paper about the size of a four-year old fat boy
baby, with a pair of wings about az large as a boss butterfly's, and iz
armed with a bow and arrows, that might possibly answer tew kill
bumbelbees at four paces.
This little fellow haz bagged more game with hiz wooden shuteing irons
than aul the powder and shot that ever haz been built can brag ov.
I suppoze that it is generally known that he shutes from under cover,
at both long and short range, and never iz seen himself.
He haz in hiz quiver innumerable arrows, sum few ov them dipped in
genuine love, and feathered with good sense, but most ov them would
seem too trifling tew be at all dangerous if I hadn't, with mi own
eyes, noticed him at work with them, both at male and female game, both
sitting and flieing, and seen the many ded shots he haz made.
I have been at sum pains for the last tew seazons tew watch hiz
manoovers, whare I have happened tew be, and the following reckord iz a
faithful history of this little chap's bloody bizz: