eater, at work by the month for Farmer Brown, hoeing corn, received hiz
death wound from a garter belonging to Rachel Tucker, Brown's hired
girl, as the said Tucker waz learning tew jump the rope down in the
garden.
--> Kate Freelove, youngest daughter of I. S. Freelove, Esq., who could
play big on the pianner, and had studied Latin one quarter, waz shot
thru and thru by a paper ov Stuart's mixed candys that Frank Fever sent
her.
--> John Davis got his mutton cooked bi a spit-curl that waz dangling
on Angeline Brown's forehead.
--> Bill Weatherby, a dry goods clerk, died suddenly bi gitting in
range ov one ov Roxy Mathew's sweetest smiles, darted acrost the
counter.
--> Sally Munson disseased without a struggle. Cause--Dick Fenton's No.
7 patent leather boots, and Californy soltaire.
--> Master David Mentor, aged 12 years, departed this life at a
district school-house while sharpening little Libby Sherman's slate
pensil.
--> Sam Benson, butcher, wounded with a hoop skirt, got better, then
was struck plumb dead by a false calf, in the Bowery.
--> Lawrence Peters, aged 60, and for 30 years a consistent bachelor,
lived only an hour, in grate agony, atfer eating warm apple pies at
Widow Stebbins's.
--> Matt Marshall, worth 250 thousand in 7-30's, waz give up for ded,
the arrow passing direktly thru hiz heart, from Maggie Morse's tucker,
but recovered instantly upon learning that Maggie's father waz only
worth 75 thousand.
--> Frank Hunter, maimed for life by a black balmoral with an orange
stripe in it.
--> Tabitha Spencer, slightly tuff, had been shot at a hundred times,
and always mist, waz finally fetched by the Rev. Furbush, in his grate
act, reading the 146th hymn, common meter.
--> Seth Perkins, tailor, waz slain, goose in hand, by a pucker in the
eye ov Hanner Hemstich's cambric needle.
--> Matilda Alabaster Jones, caught her death by a squeeze from the
hand of Fitzherbert Augustus Boliver, only son ov Duke Mose Boliver.
This squeeze took place last Friday.
--> Jack Tindar, killed instantly at Saratoger, on the 15th ov last
August, by four shots at once, from the eyes ov Jane Smirk, and her
cuzzin Tildy.
--> Spencer Richards was wantonly murdered by a chance shot, in a
crowd, from an opera glass.
LXXVI.
JOSH COMMUNES WITH HIS FRIENDS.
Dear Joe--Your letter came by the last mail and brought with it menny
thoughts ov that sunny time when yu and I waz boys, and slid down hill
together. Yu ask for mi advise upon a topick which iz always a delikate
one for a third party to mix in with; but yu are aware that I am not
very delikate, and don't hesitate tew launch mi opinion, espeshily when
invited to do it. I consider advise generally wasted, and most sure to
be when given upon the matter in question, but i hav a large stock ov
it on hand, and shan't miss what i devote to you.
By awl means, Joe, git married, if yu hav got a fair show. Don't stand
shivvering on the bank; but pitch in and stick yure head under, and the
shiver iz awl over. Thare aint enny more trick in gitting marrid, after
yu are ready, than there iz in eating peanuts. Menny a man haz stood
shivvering on the shore till the river haz awl run out. Don't expect
tew marry an angel; the angels hav awl been picked up long ago.
Remember, Joe, yu aint a saint yureself. Don't marry for buty
excloosively; buty iz like ice, awful slippery, and thaws dredful eazy.
Don't marry for garments; dry goods are uncommon deceptibus; they are
like the feathers on a blue-jay--pick oph the feathers, and thare aint
nothing left. Don't marry for munny; munny may make yu respectabel, but
kan't make you honnest nor happy. Don't marry excloosively for luv
neither; luv iz like a cooking-stove, good for nothing when the fuel
gives out. But marry a mixtur. Let the mixtur be: sum buty, becumingly
dressed, with about 225 dollars in her pocket; a good speller, handy
and neat in the house, plenty ov good sense, a tuff constitution and
by-laws, small feet, and a light stepper; add tew this, clean teeth,
and a warm heart; the whole tew be well shaken before taken. This
mixtur will keep in enny climate, and not evaporate. If the cork
happens tew be left out for two or three minutes, the strength aint awl
gone.
Joe, for heaven's sake don't marry for pedigree; thare aint much in
pedigree, unless it iz backed up bi bank stock; a family, with nothing
but pedigree, generally lacks sense; they are like a kight with tew
much tail; if they would only take oph sum ov the tail, they mite
possibly git up, but they are always tew illustrious to take off any
tail.
Let me hear from yu again, Joe, soon.
But mi dear fellow, don't be afrade; wedlok iz az natral az milk, but
in course thare iz sum difference in milk about highsting cream, but
there iz one thing that don't vary, and that iz awl milk tew have the
cream rize good, and keep sweet, must be kept in a cool place, not be
rousted up tew often.
Don't be an olde bachelor; lonesum, and selfish, crawling out ov yure
hole, in the morning, like a shiny backed beetle, and then backing into
it again, late every night, suspicious, and suspected.
I would az soon be a stuffed rooster, set up in a show window, or a tin
weather cock, on the ridge-pole of a female seminary, az a lonesum
bachelor, jeered at by awl the virginity ov the land.
_Jeremiah._--Don't confuse learning and wisdum; thare iz jist az mutch
diffrence between them az thare iz between fruit that iz raized in a
hott-house and that which ripens out doors, smiled upon bi the sun, and
shook up by the wind and the storm.
When the two hitch up together, they are a bully team.
Wisdum, being natrally the stoughtest, takes learning up in its arms,
and learning points out the shortest road tew take; they work together
handy az a pair ov twin oxen.
If a man kant hav but one, he better hav the wisdum, for wisdum iz
alwus fatt with good sense, and kan alwus uze its strength; while
learning must hav just sich a spot tew work in, and jist sich a way tew
do it.
Wisdum iz a giant, whoze strength makes him respekted, while learning
iz a pigmy, whoze knowledge makes him feared.
But, Jeremiah, thare kan be a good deal sed for both ov them.
Wisdum grows stout by thinking, and learning gits fat by studdy.
Wisdum iz ov the natur ov genius, while learning iz ov the natur ov
tallent.
But, Jeremiah, these subjects are too full ov logick for you and me tew
phool with. We had better spend our loose moments in finding out the
best way tew raize beans, and the best market tew take them to.
P.S.--I forgot to say that thare iz four hundred times az mutch
learning in the world as thare iz wisdum.
And also, a man may hav a grate deal ov learning, and not know mutch,
just as he may have a grate deal ov strength, and not know the best
holts.
LXXVII.
JAW BONES.
Genius iz like a hop vine; it will run, and spread, enny how, and hav a
whole lot ov wild hops on it, but tew be a good krop, it must be poled,
and cut back, and suckered.
_Precept_ iz a buck saw--_experience_ the elbo grease that runs the
cussid instrument.
Don't talk tew much, Jessie; one half the wisdum ov this world consists
in not saying ennything.
Thare iz nothing more dangerous tew most men than praize; it iz like
filling them up with gunpowder, and then tutching them oph.
Patience, if it iz merely constitushional, don't appear tew me to be
enny more ov a virtue than kold feet are.
LXXVIII.
MORE PHILOSOPHY.
THE SUSPICIOUS MAN.
Suspicion, a little ov it, iz almost az good az wisdum, but it iz one
ov them kind ov disseazes that men aint apt tew hav small. It iz like
the meazles--if they have it they hav it aul over.
A suspicious man iz most alwus a cunning man; and a cunning man iz
generally a rogue.
What the happiness ov a suspicious man consists in i never could tell.
It certainly aint in friendship, for he iz afraid tew trust hiz own
brother; it kant be in conversashun, for he beleaves evry man lies; nor
in affection, for he looks upon the artlessness, even ov children, as
the germs ov fraud.
If a man iz born with this trait, it iz alwus the stoughtest one he haz
got, and about the only one; for suspicions iz like sheep sorrell, a
vinegary weed, that runs evry generous plant out ov the soil.
If a man learns tew be suspicious, it only proves that he haz been tew
bad schools, where not mutch of ennything else waz taught.
Noboddy but a phool would lay aside all kaution and undertake tew go
thru this world without enny linch-pin; but noboddy but a rogue would
learn enny more suspicion than he was aktually obliged to.
Prudence and kaution are the simple children ov wisdum; but suspicion
iz either a bastard, got by Deceit, upon the person of Ignorance, or
else it iz the legitimate baby ov parents who hav studdied kaution, not
tew protekt themselves, but tew be able tew cheat sumboddy else aul the
eazier.
THE WISE MAN.
Wisdum is a six-hoss team, with a karfull driver on the box. Yea! a
wize man iz an iron-klad elephant chawing hiz cud.
But this wurld is full ov wisdum that never cums out ov its hole; that
always roosts on the top limbs ov a tree and hoots at the wayfairing
man, but kant show him the way out ov the wilderness.
These kind ov wise men are like old gideboards at the crotch ov the
roads with the lettering aul washed oph--wooden prophets, wus than no
news.
Wisdum is made out ov faith and virtew and truth seasoned with toil and
experience, and scented with modesty. This kind ov wisdum is full as
glorious as it is skase.
But experience, without doubt, is the boss skool-master ov wurdly
wisdum. He is the one who taught Adam and his wife their fust lesson,
and he haint never bin out ov a job since. His skool keeps aul day
Saturday, and Sundays too, and has but one vakation in it, and that is
when aul hands are asleep.
But say what yu will, wisdum is a rare bird ennyhow. Thare is lots ov
folks that kan show yu the mule that kicked them last, but it takes one
ov yure klassikal skollars, one ov yure blooded wisdumers, tew point
out the mule that iz a going tew kick next.
Buy wisdum, mi friends, whenever it is in market, for she is a harp ov
1200 strings.
THE EFFEMINATE MAN.
The effeminate man is a weak poultiss.
He is a kross between root beer and ginger pop with the cork left out
ov the bottle over night.
He is a fresh water mermaid lost in a cow pastur, with his hands filled
with dandylions.
He is a tea-kup full of whipped sillybub--a kitten in pantylets--a sick
monkey with a blonde mustash.
He is a vine without enny tendrills--a fly drowned in sweet ile--a
paper kite in a ded calm.
He lives as the butterflise do--noboddy kan tell whi. He is as harmless
as a cent's wuth ov spruce gum, and as useless as a shirt button
without enny button-hole.
He is as lazy as a bread-pill, and has no more hope than a last year's
grasshopper.
He is a man without enny gaul, and a woman without enny gissard.
He goes thru life on his tiptose, and dies like colone water spilt on
the ground.