I serpose thare is between 50 and 60 millions of rats in Amerika (i
quote now entirely from memory,) and i don't serpose thare is a single
necessary rat in the whole lot. This shows at a glance how menny waste
rats thare is. Rats enhance in numbers, faster than shoe pegs do by
machinery. One pair ov helthy rats is awl that enny man wants tew start
the rat bissiness with, and in ninety days, without enny outlay, he
will begin tew hav rats,--tew turn oph.
Rats viewed from enny platform yu kan bild, are unspeakably cussid, and
i would be willing tew make enny man who would destroy awl the rats in
the United States, a valuable keepsake, say for instance either the
life and sufferings ov Andy Johnson, in one vollum calf bound, or a
receipt tew kure the blind staggers.
LXIII.
GIMBLITS.
When a man loses hiz health then he fust begins tew take good care on
it. This iz good judgment! this iz!
* * * * *
Most people decline tew learn only bi their own experiense. I guess
they are more than 1/2 right, for I don't serpoze a man can git a
perfek idee on molasses kandy bi letting another feller taste it for
him.
* * * * *
It iz a getting so no-a-daze if a man kant cheat in sum way he aint
happy.
* * * * *
Success in life iz verry apt tew make us forget the time when we wasn't
much. It iz jist so with the frog on the jump; he kant remember when he
waz a tadpole--but other folks kan.
* * * * *
An individual, tew be a fine gentleman, has either got tew be born so
or be brought up so from infansy; he kant learn it suddin enny more
than he kan larn how tew tork injun correkly bi praktising on a
tommyhawk.
* * * * *
I wonder if thare ever waz an olde maid who ever herd on a match that
she thought waz suitable.
* * * * *
If a man wants tew git at hiz aktual dimenshuns, let him visit a
grave-yard.
* * * * *
I suppoze Adam iz the only man who ever lived and want never spanked.
* * * * *
I hav oftin sett down square on the ice, bi having mi feet git out ov
plase; but i never could see ennything in it tew laff at, (espeshila if
thare waz sum water on the top ov the ise,) but i notis other folks
kan.
* * * * *
Precepts are like kold bukwheat slap-jacks,--noboddy feels like being
sassy tew them, nor noboddy wants tew adopt them.
* * * * *
If enny man wants tew be an olde bachelor, and git sick at a boarding
tavern, and hav a back room in the 4th story, and hav a red haired
chambermaid bring hiz water gruel tew him in a tin wash-basin, I hav
alwus sed, and i stick tew it yet, he haz got a perfek right tew dew
it.
* * * * *
It iz dreadful eazy work tew repent ov other folks sins--but not very
profitable.
LXIV.
MORE CORRESPONDENCE.
LONG BRANCH, August 24th.
DEAR WEEKLY:--I seaze the opportunity--opportunitys are like pullet's
eggs, they are small, and don't cum only one at a time--tew tell yu by
letter how mutch I am infatuated with Long Branch.
I arrived hear tew weeks ago, just in time tew see the Atlantick Ocean,
which iz now on exhibition and doing a swelling bizziness tew full
houses.
The fust thing I did after mi arrival waz tew _go in_, and I waz
astonished tew find the water so high seasoned. I asked an intelligent
natiff who stood on the bank, with both ov hiz hands in hiz pantaloon
pockets, the cauze ov this saltuous phenomenon, and he informed me "_he
didn't care_."
I think the cuss lied.
It iz perfectly heart-rending, and fills one ov mi mellow nature with
tumults ov genuwine sorrow, tew see the gross amount ov young femailes
here on track ov husbands and prospective fathers.
I counted 16 yesterday in one pile. They all drew in their breaths as I
passed by them with downcast eyes. I felt sorry awl the way through for
them, but couldn't give them enny releaf, for I am thoroughly marrid,
and intend to keep so.
Shoddy and Petroleum are both here, az full ov wind az a bellows, and
attrakt az mutch attention az a pattent churn, warranted tew make good
sweet butter from skim milk in ten minits; but they say "they shan't
remain long, bekause it smells so much like old brine."
Yesterday I went out a crabbing, and caught a cart load ov them
(several ov them with my hands).
Crabs bite with their feet, and hang on like a country cousin.
Crabs are used for diet, but thare ain't mutch more meat in them than
thare iz in a horse-shoe, and it iz about az difficult to arrive at.
They also hav the musketow here, a musikil bug, in great profusion;
they travel around loose, and seem to know everyboddy.
The bathing here iz perfectly plenty, and the bathers resemble
mermaids--half men and half wimmin--and when they emerge from the
Atlantic Ocean you kant tell _which_ is _who_, unless you ask them.
After bathing yu feel a kind ov diskonsolate feeling, for which I was
advised (by the resident physician) tew wet miself inside with sum
whiskee.
I took one small wash, about a tumbler full, and immediately never felt
so mutch like lifting things in awl mi life.
I thought I could lift an acre and a half of their light sandy land,
and acktually tried tew do it, but after the whiskee let go its grip ov
me I felt as though I could pursew an angle worm into her hole, and
hadn't strength enuff left tew take a photograff ov me.
If ever I drink enny more Jersee whiskee, it will be after I am ded and
gone.
Thare iz only one church here, and it kan hold so few that noboddy
don't _go_, out ov politeness.
Thare iz 21 hotels, and they are principally bilt inside out, tew give
the boarders az mutch salt wind az possible.
The lodging rooms are about the size ov a hencoop. Each one haz a door
to them, two cracked wash bowls, and a wet towel.
Dinner iz paraded at 2 o'clock, and opens with soup, and shuts up with
huckelberrys. Huckelberrys are the ruling pashun in New jersey.
The servants are designed tew be blak, but menny ov them hav resided so
long amung the whites that they begin tew adopt our color.
Yesterday the Big Snake (which annually makes his appearance here, and
at Nuport, and belongs tew the landlords ov the different taverns) waz
distinktly visibel to the naked eye.
Az we stood gazing at the Black Crook, a very well drest man told me he
hadn't enny doubt that this waz the old primary old serpent that snaked
Eve out ov Paradise a fu years ago.
I waz so mutch pleased with the moral power ov the idee, that I
immediately offered him six dollars for it, but he sed he waz engaged
exclusively to write one year for the _Ledger_, and couldn't spare it.
He also sed "he had made snakes a studdy for 14 years," and gave us a
long orashun about the different kind ov snake, (including the copper
snake,) and did it in sich a kind ov a way that led me to beleaf he waz
one ov yure cussed brunette republikans.
Thare was one feller, who wore glasses and looked with hiz mouth, sed
"the entire snake waz an optik allussion, cauzed by the rays ov the
oshun upon the philaktrick globbules ov the saline fluids."
The feller had a very perpindikular forehed, and wore hiz hair a grate
deal behind, and looked tew me az tho he had been gittin himself in
condition tew travail in the Holy Land.
One delikate little cherub ov a female (not an hour over 35 years)
screamed tenderly, and begun tew feel for a snake.
One pensive creeture murmured "How bewitching!" and another sed "How
egstatick!" but one coarse individual spilte the whole effect ov the
thing by bawling out, loud enuff for the snake to hear, "What a--lov a
snake!" but the snake took no notis ov the remark, and soon skrewed
himself out ov sight.
Adew.
LXV.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
The _Alligator_ iz not a natiff ov Nu England; he iz too useless a
critter tew be born thare.
He belongs down South, and resides in the same swamp that the
copperhead duz.
He lives upon raw pig, and don't hesitate tew take them whole, if thare
don't happen tew be a smaller one handy.
He iz also fond ov a little negro, once in a while, by way ov a fresh.
They are amphibicus, and sevral other kinds ov cuss too plenty to
menshun.
What on earth they are good for, i don't seem to know, unless it iz tew
watch for pigs.
Their hides kan be tanned into leather, but they are az hard tew skin
az a beech tree iz; and the leather, when tanned, iz just about as
limber az a cooking-stove. But one pair ov boots, made out ov
alligator, will last az long az a man's name duz; the only way tew wear
them out iz tew heave them away.
Alligator meat iz not luscious. If yu ask for it at the fust-klass
hotels, they will alwus tell yu "that they are jist out." It tastes az
i should think the beef ov a mule would, who had been worked forty
years in a brick-yard, and then been struk with lightning, to git rid
ov him.
When an alligater's mouth iz wide open, hiz head iz just about in the
center ov hiz boddy; but they hav one virtew i came verry near
forgitting--they make a verry still noize, altho they hav more jaw than
enny other critter i kno ov.
These are sum ov the heavyest fakts i hav been able tew gather about
the alligater.
The alligator seems tew be a second edition ov the krokadile, made out
ov what waz left.
I think the krokodile usually lays eggs when they want sum more
krokadiles, but i don't kno whether i think the alligatur duz or don't;
but if they do, and i ever find the nest, and the old feller aint on
the nest, i shouldn't hesitate tew hatch out the eggs myself--with a
klub.
This iz all i kno at prezent about the alligatur.
* * * * *
The Ren iz the smallest thing surrounded with feathers, except the
humming bird.
He iz about the size ov a horse chestnutt.
He iz ov a dark brown color, and bilds hiz nest in not holes, out ov
little bits ov stix.
He iz az gritty az a mud pie, and will fight a hen turkey.
Rens are little pirates; i hav seen them drive a blu-bird out ov his
house, and sett up bizziness on hiz stock in trade.
They lay an egg about the size ov a marrow fat p, and hatch out at
least a half dozen children at a setting.
A young ren iz the funniest little package i ever see done up; they
aint much bigger, and look verry mutch like a small-sized semicolon.
Rens are long-lived, but if they should live tew be az old az
Methuseler, they wouldn't be az bigg az a butter-nutt.
They liv on the bug and worm family, and spend their winters south.
They are not profitable to eat--i would az soon dress a bumble bee, and
one ren pot pie would use up the whole breed.
* * * * *
THE CROW.
Next to the monkey, the crow haz the most deviltry to spare. They are
born verry wild, but kan be tamed az eazy az the goat kan, but a tame
crow iz aktually wuss than a sore thumb.
If thare iz enny thing about the house that they kant git into, it iz
bekause the thing ain't big enuff. I had rather watch a distrikt skool
than one tame crow. Crows live on what they kan steal, and they will
steal enny thing that aint tied down.
They are fond ov meat vittles, and are the first tew hold an inquest
over a departed horse, or a still sheep. They are a fine bird tew hunt,
but a hard one tew kill; they kan see you 2 miles first, and will smell
a gun right through the side ov a mountain.
They are not songstirs, altho they hav a good voice to cultivate, but
what they do sing, they seem to understand thoroughly; long praktiss
has made them perfekt.
The crow iz a tuff bird, and kan stand the heat like a blacksmith, and
the cold like a stun wall.
They bild their nest among a tree, and lay twice, and both eggs would
hatch out, if they was laid in a snow bank,--thare aint no such thing
as stopping a young crow.
Crows are very lengthy; i beleave they live always i never knu one to
die a natral deth, and don't believe they kno how.
They are alwus thin in flesh, and are like an injun rubber shew, poor
inside and out.
They are not considered fine eating, altho i hav read sumwhare ov biled
crow, but still i never heard ov the same man hankering for sum biled
crow 2 times.
This essa on the crow is copied from natur, and if it is true, i aint
tew blame for it; natur made the crow, i didn't; if i had i would hav
made her more honest and not quite so tuff.
* * * * *
The Bumble Bee is one ov natur's sekrets.
They probably hav a destiny to fill, and are probably necessary, if a
fellow only knew how.
They liv apart from the rest ov mankind, in little circles numbering
about 75 or 80 souls.
They are born about haying time, and are different from enny bug i know
ov; they are the biggest when they are fust born. They resemble sum men
in this respekt.
Their principle bizziness is making poor honey, but they don't make
enny to sell.
Boys sumtimes rob them out ov a whole summer's work; but thare is one
thing about a bumble bee that boys alwus watch dreadful cluss, and that
iz their _helm_.
I had rather not hav awl the bumble bee honey that is between here and
the city ov Jerusalem, than tew hav a bumble bee hit me with his helm
when he cums round suddin.
They are different from other war vessels; the helm alwus minds the
bumble bee.
LXVI.
SLIVVERS OV THOUGHT.
The heart ov a true friend iz like a mirror; if yu look into it yu see
yurself thare.
* * * * *
Wisdom that don't make us happier aint worth plowing for.
* * * * *
I am dredful fond ov melody; and a banjo, with a negro hung tew it,
will knock more sense out ov me, in one night, than i kan git back in 3
weeks.
* * * * *
It is a good plan tu know menny people, but tu let only a few kno yu.
* * * * *
I have no more respekt for those who only cater tu mi imaginashun, than
I have for the man who fust invented ginger-pop.
* * * * *
I never knu a man ov much wisdum who could sing a song well or pla on a
fiddle.
* * * * *
I don't kare how mutch a man talks, if he will only say it in a few
wurds.
* * * * *
Rewards deferred make us miserable; it is jist so with punishments.
When i was a boy, i had rather be licked twice than tew be postponed
once.
* * * * *
Thare is one thing sertain: reason is more than master ov the pashuns.
If this iz probably so, the man must be a phool who aint boss ov
himself.
* * * * *
I think it reduces the stummuk ake tew holler; so i think it lessens
awl kinds ov anguish, just as it does sin, by owning it.
* * * * *
We are awl willing tew pay more for being amused than instrukted.
* * * * *
How menny folks do yu serpose thare is in this world who are satisfied
with things as far as they hav got? Not more than 6, i'll bet. This
looks rather dusty for the rest ov the trip.
* * * * *
Thare aint no general rule for happiness; a man has tew be measured for
his happiness, just as he does for his boots, and even then he don't
alwus git a good fit.
* * * * *
Joy will make a man change ends quicker than sorrow.
* * * * *
If a yung man kant find enny thing else that he is fit for, i like tew
see him carry a goold-headed cane.
The top rounds ov a ladder are always the most dangerous.
* * * * *
I beleaf in the final salvashun ov men, but i want the privilege ov
picking the men.
* * * * *
Thare is just this difference between a success and a failure--1/4 ov
an inch.
* * * * *
It is a great deal easier tew beat natur than it is tew equal her--so
it is easier tew bile an egg tew much, than just enuff.
LXVII.
THE BUZZERS.
Ov awl the insekts or even animals, who occupy two legs and breathe the
same kind ov air, and drink the same kind ov water that other folks do,
thare is not a more distressingly bizzy and uncomfortably obnoxious
one, than yure whisperer.
I mean now those men or those wimmin whose position in the world gives
them the title tew be listened to, and even beleaved, who spend their
lives like a bumbel bee on the wing, from flower to flower, and from
thistle to thistle, buzzing and whispering.
These kind ov bumbel beeze deal only in sekrets ov the most delikate or
dreadful kind, which they entrust to you with awl the importance and
aimable reserve that distinguishes the intimate frend.
Thare is nothing in the world that would give them more pain or
confusion (if you can beleave them) than to have their buzzes repeated,
and yet, in truth, nothing would giv them more mortifikation if they
were not.
They sow their seed as the husbandman duz his expekting it tew sprout,
and rejoice as he duz in a good crop.
I know not from what ambishun this buzzing springs, unless it is the
vanity ov knowledge, or the skarcity ov news; but one thing is certain,
that no more inveterate workers kan be found--they are emphatikally the
early birds who find the worm; they are the bizzy bees ov thrift, and
they are your provident pissmires who alwus have corn in their cells
against the calamity ov a wet day. Evry citty has a thousand ov them,
evry village a score, and evry naborhood its Aunt Dority, or its Unkle
Darby, who whisper and buzz from Christmas to Christmas agin. These
insekts know evry marriage that is on the ways, and just when it is tew
be launched; they know awl the slips and the slipshods within a circle
of twenty leagues or more; they guess at outrages and divine
bankrupcys; they hear ov elopements in the breath ov the morning, and
see the spektral shaddow ov a domestik brawl stealing on tiptoze amid
the gray ov the evening; they know the crimes ov evrybodys grandfather,
and remember, just like a book, the time when the wife ov esquire Baker
was no better than she should be. I don't know as there is truth enuff
in the world just now to do the bizness with; if there aint, the
buzzers may be in a measure necessary as a circulating medium; but if
this is really so, they stand in the same relation to an honest
circulation that other counterfit munny dus.
I hav searched the musty annals ov primogeniture, and hav dove down
deep into the labarynths of succession, to trace the literal descent ov
these slander-breeding and birth-giving scorpions, and found that about
four thousand years ago, _Envy_ begot _Malice_, _Malice_ begot
_Revenge_, and _Revenge_ had twins--one was a common thief and the
other was a buzzer.
Nature seems, in the production of Buzzers, to hav transgressed one ov
her most aimable laws: I mean, the grate parsimony she generally shows
in inflikting humanity with venemous reptiles.
Stealing is more ancient and more honorable than malishus buzzing, but
it aint quite so safe; the goods are often found on the thief, and this
leads to his detection, while the buzzer is more like the incendiary,
who applys the match and makes good his escape before the flames begin
tew spread.
If these pests ov humanity were not wuss in their malice than a pizen
snake without rattles, or meaner in their mischief than the robber ov
birds nests, I would try and hunt up an apology for them, or at least,
would attribute to an eager curiosity, or the vanity ov being thought a
kind ov sub-treasury ov other folks' confidence, what is quite too
often too gross to be set down only in the calendar ov crimes.
Good-bye buzzers, ov high and low degree--yu that buzz in petticoats,
and yu that buzz in britches; I hav but one opinion ov yu, and that
is--a dreadful mean one.
LXVIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE PASHIONATE MAN.
Pride, without dout, is the old man ov anger.
The pashionate man is like a hornet's nest, alwus reddy for a fight.
These kind ov men live, if they are possessed ov virtues, the most
degrading kind ov a life; their fury is followed bi the humiliation ov
repentance. Pride forces them tew the indignity ov an apology, and the
apology is but the smouldering ashes ov another fit ov phrensy.
If men only flew into a pashun at great things thare would be some
pleasure in forgiving them if it took an earthquake or an elephant tew
stir them up, we could pity them; but to see them convulsed with rage
bekause they stub their toe, or bekause their name happens to be spelt
wrong in the morning paper, sinks them down tew the level ov a cat,
whose dignity and decency is awl gone if enny boddy happens to step on
their continuation.
But i don't want it told around the country that i am hollering
halleluger for a living, on them kind uv men who kant git mad at all.
I don't believe the Lord ever intended, if a mule kicks me on one side,
that i am tew turn the other fresh side tew the mule.
I say, let a hornet light ontu yu if he wants to, and let him set
thare, and chaw his cud in peace; but if he stings yu, while he is
setting on yu, i say, kill the cuss.
THE ZEALOUS MAN.
The zealous man is alwus trieing tew bile, that is, if he has got enny
steam on at all.
His pot never simmers, it generally biles over, and puts out the fire;
he is either awl bile, or not even lukewarm.
Zeal often makes a man more ridiklus than folly duz; in fakt, zeal and
folly were twins, only zeal was born a little first; he couldn't wait,
ov course, till his time cum.
Zeal in religion, is the way that biggots are made, an zeal in selling
the most dri goods, is the way that good liars are made.
I beleaf in zeal, but when it trys tew beat Dexter's time, then i think
it wants watching as much as a mule's hind legg dus.
Zeal that trots square, and goes a measured mile in about 3 minnitts
without a skip, is mi kind; i am willing to bet mi suspender buttons
(and they are the last things i want tew lose) on this kind ov zeal.
After all, zeal is a good deal like lead; when it is biling hot, yu kan
run it into enny kind ov shape yu want tew, but when it is cold, it is
as heavy as enny thing i kno ov.
I want mi zeal just as i dew mi beefsteak, nicely dun thru.
THE GOOD-NATURED MAN.
Good nature is not an accomplishment, (that is it is not one of them
kind ov collaterals, that kan be manufakterd,) it is one ov the
virtews, which a man gits, just as he dus his nose, bi having it born
with him.
It is really worth more tew the world, tew hav a good natured man born
into it, and go into the good natured bissness, than to hav a poeck
born, and go into the poeckry bissness.
Good natur is what evry man kan understand, but there is a good deal of
poeckry that noboddy kan understand, and if they did, they wouldn't be
enny the wiser for it.
Good natured men work up into fathers, husbands, and brothers, fust
rate, and without enny waste; they make good feller citizens, and evry
boddy feels as if they had some stock in them; little children love
them, and the girls ain't afrade tew be kist by them; they are as safe
and as pleasant as root beer.
The good-natured man aint alwus a statesman, nor aint alwus just the
man for sekretary ov the treasury, but to grease the griddle ov evry
day life, tew soften the furious, tew raise the despondent, and tew
endorse 60 day paper, he weighs at least a ton.
I had rather be a good natured man than tew hav a seat in the New York
Legislature; thare may not be as mutch money in it, but thare is twice
the means ov grace.
LXIX.
PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF SHELL.
I hav finally cum tew the conclusion that thare aint truth enuff in the
world, just now, to do the bissiness with, and if sum kind ov
compromise cant be had, the Devil might as well step in, and run the
consarn at onst.
* * * * *
I always advise short sermons, espeshily on a hot Sunday. If a minister
cant strike ile in boring 40 minutes, he has either got a poor gimblet,
or else he is a boring in the rong plase.
* * * * *
Don't tell the world yure sorrows, enny more than you would tell them
your shame.
* * * * *
Philosophers are like graveyards--they take all things just as they
come, and give them a decent burial and a suitable epitaff.
* * * * *
Enny boddy can tell where lightning struck last, but it takes a smart
man tew find out whare it is going tew strike nex time--this is one ov
the differences between learning and wisdom.
* * * * *
Sailors heave the lead for the purpose ov finding the bottom, not for
the purpose ov going thare--it is sum so with advise; men should ask
for it, not so mutch for the purpose ov following it, as for the
purpose ov strengthening their own plans.
* * * * *
I have got a first rate recollekshun, but no memory--I can recolleckt
distinctly ov loseing a 10 Dollar bill onse, but cant remember whare,
to save mi life.
* * * * *
There is men ov so mutch learning and impudence, they wouldn't hesitate
tew criticise the song ov a bird.
* * * * *
Hogs hav an excellent ear for music--but it takes a dog tew pitch the
tune.
* * * * *
I hav seen men as full ov indecision as an old barn--alwus reddy, but
didn't know exactly which way to pitch.
* * * * *
Thare is sum folks whose thoughts cant be controled:--they are like
twins, they cant be had, nor they cant be stopped.
* * * * *
Most ennyboddy can write poor sense, but there aint but few that can
write good nonsense--and it alwus takes an eddycated man to appreciate
it after it is writ.
LXX.
JOSH EPISTOLATES.
_Neptune._--I cant answer yure questions satisfactorily tew miself, but
perhaps mi answers may suit yu. I cant tell yu what _wit_ and _humor_
is.
It may be the bringing together two ideas, apparently unlike, and hav
them prove tew be a cluss match.
Thare wouldn't be enny wit in striking fire with a flint, but thare
might be in striking fire with a piece of injia rubber.