be slow; it iz like chaining a bull tarrier tew a post; after a while
he will just straighten the chain, that's all.
But on a Hemispheer like ours, even mud turkles learn how tew show a
good gait.
Whare natur setts the exampel, whare she iz vast, and magestick, men
soon git in the habit ov reckoning bi the millyuns, and a man ain't
enny more apt tew make a big mistake, than he iz a small one; thare iz
more game mist at 100 feet, than thar iz at 100 yards.
Fast men make most ov the blunders that are made; but they also make
most ov the good hits that are made.
It don't hurt mi feelings (occasionally) tew hear that a man has fell
his whole length, and even ploughed up the ground whare he struck, for
then i kno he couldn't hav bin standing still, nor hanging onto
sumboddy's picket fence.
Methusila lived a 1000 years, but i serpose he could hav seen aul he
saw, and dun aul he did in 5 years, if he had lived in New York city.
I never knu a peace ov machinery tew prove a failure bekause it was tew
fast; and who iz thare who has ever turned one bi hand, that has not
wept for joy tew see a grindstone git round 500 times in a minnitt,
driven bi steam?
Fast men sumtimes kollide, but experience has proved that it iz better
for a locomotiff tew strike a rock at 40 miles an hour, than at 15, for
at 40 miles the _rock_ may be displased, but at 15 the locomotiff iz
sartin tew be.
I alwus did think well ov the konneticut vagrant, who was confined in
the poor house bekauze he hadn't ennything tew do, and hearing ov a
basswood shoe-peg spekulashun, that was raging outside, broke out ov
the poor-house, and made 1500 dollars before they could ketch him.
"Life iz short," and this iz one grate reason whi it ought tew be fast.
LV.
JOSH REPLIES TO ONE OF HIS CORRESPONDENTS.
"_Benvolio._"--In writing for yu an analasiss ov the frog, i must
confess that i hav coppied the whole thing, "verbatus ad liberating,"
from the works ov a selebrated French writer on natural history, ov the
16th sentry.
The frog iz, in the fust case, a tadpole, aul boddy and tail, without
cuming tew a head.
He travels in pond holes, bi the side ov the turnpike, and iz
accellerated bi the acktivity ov his tail, which wriggles with uncommon
limberness and vivacity. Bi and bi, pretty soon, before long, in a few
daze, his tail iz no more, and legs begin to emerge from the south end
ov the animal, and from the north end, at the same time, may be seen a
disposition tew head out.
In this cautious way the frog iz built, and then for the fust time in
his life, begins tew git his head abuv water.
His success iz now certain, and soon, in about five daze more, he may
be seen sitting down on himself bi the side ov the pond hole, and
looking at the dinner baskets ov the children on their way tew the
distrikt skoolhous.
Az the children cum more nearer, with a club or chunk ov a brickbat in
his hand tew swott him with, he rares up on his behind leggs, and
enters the water, head fust, without opening the door.
Thus the frog duz bizzness for a spell ov time, until he gits tew be
21, and then his life iz more ramified.
Frogs hav 2 naturs, ground and water, and are az free from sin az an
oyster.
I never knu a frog tew hurt ennyboddy who paid his honest dets and took
the NEW YORK WEEKLY.
I don't reckoleckt now whether a frog has enny before leggs or not, and
if he don't, it ain't enny boddy's bizzness but the frog's.
Their hind leggs are used for refreshments, but the rest ov him won't
pay for eating.
A frog iz the only person who kan live in a well, and not get tired.
The bull-frog iz the boss ov the mud puddle, and has a log tew sit on,
over on the other side ov the puddle, and talks tew the rest ov the
frogs away down in his throat, so that yu kan't understand more than
half what he sez; he iz generally a cross and lazy old devil, all over
warts.
This iz aul thare iz worth knowing now about the frog, except that they
ketch flize during fli time, and winter on nothing, by freezing up
solid.'
P.S.--I hav endeavored tew translate mi author cluss, but it iz tuff
tew render aul his butiz intu our tung, without bursting the sense.
LVI.
HUMAN HAPPINESS.
Human happyness being a subject that interests most persons, and having
never bin writ upon bi enny boddy else, i thought i would write upon it
immediately.
But fu ever git tew be happy, for the reazon they try so hard.
_Comfort_ in this world is about awl that mortals kan expect;
_happyness_ has bin reserved, bi an all wise Providence, for futur use.
Those who are the most happy appear tew kno it the least; in fact,
happyness seems tew consist in not knowing it.
The best way i kno ov tew be happy is not tew want enny thing till yu
hav got it, and then be saving of it.
Pudding and milk is a good thing tew git happy on, but too mutch
pudding and milk, even, will worry a man.
The most happy individual i ever knu had no under garment, and he
probably would have remained happy, until his back had wore out, if the
Femail Billingsville sowing society had not furnished him a cotton
seclusion for hiz body, and got him riled up, bekauze the collar tew
the seclusion want starched stiff enuff.
It iz a verry dangerous peace ov bizzness tew interfere with enny man's
private plans, for hiz own partiklar happyness, (or partiklar misery,)
upon the same principle, that it iz a verry dangerous enterprise to
pull a thorn out ov a mule's hind leg, and dodge the kick.
Awl human hapness iz conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding
down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare
would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.
A verry large share ov our happiness iz derived from anticipation; i
kan rekoleckt now ov having tremenjus fun, years ago, in the western
wilderness, hunting bees, and also hav a lively reminiscence ov gitting
awfully stung, when i found the bees.
Upon the whole, after weighing the matter camly, i hav cum tew the
sanguine konklusion, that the hight ov human happyness in this life,
consists in being unhappy, and not kno it.
LVII.
PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE,
AS SOT DOWN BI JOSH.
I pray you, never seem tew want enny thing.
If you hav not got even a wheelbarrow, talk with grate ease about a
horse and carriage.
If you are caught with a rent in yure coat, be az mutch serprised at
first as he who diskovers it, (a rent iz but the episode ov a moment,)
but do not be mortified, even if he iz curious.
If questioned about yure ansesstors, remember that the further back you
go, the more safely you may lay yure claims--you had just az menny
relashuns in Knower's ark, az enny body kan show.
Eat puddin and milk simply becaus it is healthy. Hire a back seat in
the church, so az tew be the first out, in kase ov fire.
Your wife and children never look so well tew you, az in a "shillin a
yard."
If spoken ov for offiss, take notiss ov this or that growin evil;
suggest no plan; wear a careful plaster over your mouth, and talk about
the capasity and integrity of yure opponent--if beaten, praze the right
ov suffrage, publickly, but dam the whole plan, privately, as mutch az
you are a mind to.
If you would borry a sum ov munny, ask for it as you would for a
yesterday's nuzpaper.
If invited tew dinner--hessitate, but yield upon reflekshun, remarkin,
"that yure own table is provided with oysters, and needs no carver."
Make az menny frends as you kan--never, but as a last resort, use one.
Always sing, for thus you may get the envy ov the world, while yure
tears would seek in vain for their pity.
Live in the world az one ov its most familyer people, but really hav
but little to do with it.
Never argu, and never be convinced.
But chiefly, never want ennything; for thus you giv tung tew yure
poverty.
Menny a man haz died rich, and ben kalled wize, by simply holding hiz
tung.
When you are asked tew admirate an equipage, dew it warmly, but suggest
that you never indulge in horses, on akount ov their liability tew
glanders.
If you are poor, ask Alexander tew stand out ov your sunshine. If you
are rich, ask him tew stand in it.
Dew not envy ennything on arth, not even a man's virtues, for them you
kan git az well az he.
Talk familiarly ov wealth--deceave every one but yourself.
Never show the world mutch ov yure hart; keep that for Him who made it,
and knose its impulses.
N.B.--This philosophee has made the Billings family what they am.
LVIII.
AMERIKANS.
Amerikans love caustick things; they would prefer turpentine tew
colone-water, if they had tew drink either.
So with their relish of humor; they must hav it on the half-shell with
cayenne.
An Englishman wants hiz fun smothered deep in mint sauce, and he iz
willin tew wait till next day before he tastes it.
If you tickle or convince an Amerikan yu hav got tew do it quick.
An Amerikan luvs tew laff, but he don't luv tew make a bizzness ov it;
he works, eats, and haw-haws on a canter.
I guess the English hav more wit, and the Amerikans more humor.
We havn't had time, yet, tew bile down our humor and git the wit out ov
it.
The English are better punsters, but i konsider punning a sort ov
literary prostitushun in which futur happynesz iz swopped oph for the
plezzure ov the moment.
Thare iz one thing i hav noticed: evryboddy that writes expeckts tew be
wize or witty--so duz evrybody expect tew be saved when they die; but
thare iz good reason tew beleave that the goats hereafter will be in
the majority, just az the sheep are here.
Don't forget _one_ thing, yu hav got tew be wize before yu kan be
witty; and don't forget _two_ things, a single paragraff haz made sum
men immortal, while a volume haz bin wuss than a pile-driver tew
others--but what would Amerikans dew if it want for their sensashuns?
Sumthing new, sumthing startling iz necessary for us az a people, and
it don't make mutch matter what it iz--a huge defalkashun--a red
elephant--or Jersee clams with pearls in them will answer if nothing
better offers.
Englishmen all laff at us for our sensashuns, and sum ov them fret
about it, and spred their feathers in distress for us, az a fond and
foolish old hen, who haz hatched out a setting ov ducks' eggs, will
stand on the banks ov a mill pond, wringing her hands in agony to see
her brood pitch in and take a sail. _She_ kant understand it, but the
_Ducks_ know awl about it.
N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars the Ducks know all about it.
N.B.--Yu kan bet 50 dollars more that it makes no difference who
hatches out an Amerikan, the fust thing he will do, iz to pitch into
sumthin.
N.B.--No more bets at present.
LIX.
JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS.
_Iowa._--Don't press the matter tew mutch. The only way to heal a gal
ov the "wonts," is tew git her wonted, and then stampede things
briskly.
_Sharpley._--The best cure i knu ov fur tite boots is small feet.
_Wisconsin._--Yu ask me "how fur the Hudson River runs up?" i hasten
tew state that the Hudson River don't run up at all.
_Jerry._--Yu are sound on this espeshall goose, when yu say "that yu
have diskovered poker tew be an unsertin game;" but, Jerry, let me tell
yu how tew reduse it tew a sertinty. 5 aces will alwus beat 4 aces and
a king; it will dew it in any kind ov a game.
_Albany._--i kant tell yu what the usual life insurance rate is;
perhaps Andy Johnson kan tell yu; he has bin lately reinsured, his
polisy having about run out.
_Ezra._--Noboddy but a phool would try tew hold a bull bi the tail; and
yet Ezra, mi dear unknown frend, how menny ov us take just as foolish a
holt on evrything.
_Mike._--It aint necessary that a prayer, tew be good, should be very
long or very loud, i hav used one like this fur the last 4 years, and
it suits me: "O Lord! visit mi heart fust, mi head next, and mi
pocket-book last."
_Mason._--"Man wants but little here belo" may hav bin true when it wos
fust ritten, but ever since the war he wants aul he kan lay his claws
on.
_Byron._--I read yure poem carefully. it won't anser. it is tew mutch
longer than it is wide. Poetry is a good deal like a clothes-line, very
apt tew spred lengthways if at all. Most evryboddy, sumtime during
their lives, has the poetry ailment, jist as they hav the teeth cut,
but one teeth cutting satisfies evryboddy but the phools.
_Dunkirk._--Yu tell me "that yu hav konkluded tew lead an arkadian
life;" the arkadians are a clever sett ov phellers in the lump; i lived
with them 7 years onst in mi life, but they got into the habit ov
dipping their bread into the pork grease, tew save butter, and then i
quit the arkadians.
_Abigall._--Bonnets kontinue tew be worn yet; the present stile is
about the size ov a kold bukwheat kake; feathers are not so much worn
this spring, on akount ov the grate supply ov bob-tailed roosters in
the kuntry.
_Lizzy._--The gentleman yu inquire about is a bachelor in full
communion bi profession; his habits fur honesta is good; he pays cash
for his whiskey and billyards.
_Farmer._--i kant tell yu how much oats it is best tew plant on an
aker, but i think, at a ruff guess, 15 or 20 bushels would be a grate
plenty. i never had but 7 years' chance at farming, but if mi memory
serves me right, (and i never caught her in a lie,) rye must be a good
krop tew raise, for old rye sells now quick for 6 or 7 dollars a
gallond.
_Pelham._--No notice will be took, (from this date hereafterwards) ov
letters that hain't got a postage-stamp onto them.
Don't write only on one side ov the manuscript, and don't write mutch
onto that.
Don't send a manuscript, unless yu kan read it yureself, after it gits
dry.
We pay, aul the way up hill, from 10 cents tew one dollar for
contribushuns, ackording tew heft.
Aul settlements made promptly at the end ov the next ensuing year.
Poetry and prose pieces respectively serlicited.
The highest market price paid for awful railrode smashes, and
elopements with another man's wife.
No swareing aloud in our paper.
Yure article on "frogs" is received.
It made me laff like lightning.
LX.
JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD.
Earthli glory is sum like potatoze on very ritch sile,--top
plenty,--tater skase.
* * * * *
It aint so much trouble tew _git_ ritch, as it is tew tell when we hav
_got_ ritch.
* * * * *
The most bitter sarkasm sleeps in silent words.
* * * * *
It is unkommon hard tew annihilate a man with words,--altho it is often
undertook.
* * * * *
Hope is evryboddy's handmaid--she is a sli coquet and promises menny
favors, but grants only a fu, and them are badly diskounted.
* * * * *
If yu want tew git at the circumference ov a man, examine him among
men,--but if yu want tew get at his aktual diameter, meazure him at his
fireside.
* * * * *
Thare is nothing so difficult tew hide as our follys.
* * * * *
Thare seems tew be 4 styles ov mind,--
1st, them who know it _iz_ so!
2d, them who know it _aint_ so!
3d, them who split the diffrence, and guess at it!
4th, them who don't care a darn which way it is!
* * * * *
Thare is but few men who hav karackter enuff tew lead a life ov
idleness.
* * * * *
True Love is spelt just the same in Choctaw, as it is in English.
* * * * *
Thoze who retire from the world on akount ov its sin and peskyness,
must not forgit that they hav got tew keep kompany with a person who
wants just as much watching as ennyboddy else.
* * * * *
Buty that don't make a woman vain makes her very butiful.
* * * * *
A puppy plays with evry pup he meets, but old dorgs hav but fu
associates.
* * * * *
He who buys what he kant want, will ear long want what he kant buy.
* * * * *
It kosts a good deal tew be wise, but it don't kost ennything tew be
happy.
* * * * *
Necessity begot Invenshun, Invenshun begot Convenience, Convenience
begot Pleasure, Pleasure begot Luxury, Luxury begot Riot and Disease,
Riot and Disease, between them, begot Poverty, and Poverty begot
Necessity again,--this is the revolushun ov man, and is about aul he
kan brag on.
Power either makes a man a tyrant, or a tool.
* * * * *
Thare is no such thing as flattery,--if commendashun is deserved, it is
no flattery, but truth, and if commendashun is undeserved, it is not
flattery, but slander.
* * * * *
"Man was kreated a little lower than the Angels,"--and it is lucky for
the said Angels that he was.
* * * * *
"The luxury ov grief!"--this, i take it, means tew hav yure old unkle
die, and leave yu $9000, and yu cry.
* * * * *
"Love lies bleeding!"--this is probably one ov the bludiest lies that
ever was told.
[Illustration: The artist here represents NEATNESS [when carried too
far] as a Roman Warrior, armed with every symbol of house-cleaning
apparatus, and waging war upon all unoffending people who are not
willing to have their apartments thoroughly cleaned every day.--_See
page 193._]
LXI.
MONOGRAFFS.
THE NEAT PERSON.
Neatness, in my opinyun, iz one ov the virtews. I hav alwus konsidered
it twin sister to chastity. But while I almost worship neatness in
folks, i hav seen them who did understand the bizzness so well az tew
acktually make it fearful tew behold. I hav seen neatness that want
satisfied in being a common-sized virtew, but had bekum an ungovernable
pashun, enslaving its possesser, and making everyboddy uneazy who kum
in kontackt with it.
When a person finds it necessary to skour the nail heds in the cellar
stairs evry day, and skrub oph the ducks' feet in hot water, it iz then
that neatness haz bekum the tyrant of its viktim.
I hav seen individuals who wouldn't let a tired fly light on the wall
paper ov their spare room enny quicker than they would let a dog mix up
the bread for them, and who would hunt a single cockroach up stairs and
down until his leggs were wore oph clear up to his stummuk but what
they would hav him. I kan't blame them for being a little lively with
the cockroach, for i don't like cockroaches miself--espeshily in mi
soup.
Thare iz no persons in the world who work so hard and so eternally az
the vicktims ov extatick neatness; but they don't seem tew do mutch
after all, for they don't get a thing fairly cleaned to their mind
before the other end ov it gits dirty, and they fall tew scrubbling it
awl over agin.
If you should shut one ov these people up in a hogshead, they would
keep bizzy scouring all the time, and would clean a hole right thru the
side ov the hogshed in less than 3 months.
They will keep a whole house dirty the year round cleaning it, and the
only peace the family can hav iz when mother iz either bileing soap or
making dip kandles.
They rize before daylight, so az to begin scrubbing early, and go tew
bed before dark for fear things will begin tew git dirty. These kind ov
excessiv neat folks are not alwus very literary, but they know soft
water from hard bi looking at it, and they kan tell what kind ov soap
will fetch oph the dirt best. They are sum like a kitchin gardin--very
regularly laid out, but not planted yet.
If mi wife waz one ov these kind ov neatnesses I would love her more
than ever, for i do luv awl the different kinds ov neatness; but i
think we would keep house by travelling round awl the time, and not
stay but one night in a place, and i don't think she would undertake
tew skrub up the whole ov the United States ov Amerika.
THE PHATT MAN.
Thare iz only 3 things that belong tew other folks that i ever envy,
and them iz virtew, flesh, and understanding.
I suppose it iz possibel for a man tew manufakter hiz own virtew, and
improve hiz stock ov understanding; but he kant kivver hiz long, lean
boddy ov bones with a soft and pulpy cushion ov flesh, that is fun tew
set down on.
I never cum akross a phatt man neatly dressed, with hiz slik and
shining face cut generously out ov warm meat, and gashed with a pair of
smaking lips, az smoothe and az gently red az the doorway tew a sea
shell, and garnished with a grate pair of juicy eyes, that are forever
slopping over with good natur, but what I wanted to call him unkle, and
kiss him for mi ant.
And then their embonpint, (i beleave you call it,) so outspoken, so
full ov good things, iz equal to a dinner, for a lean devil, like me,
to look at even.
I kant tell whatt makes one man so phatt, and the next one so like an
empty stocking, or a manakin in a narrow bolster, unless it iz that the
phatt souls are like a mountain spring, fed from within, until they
kant hold no more, and then run over the brim, tew make others happy.
Did ye ever kno a phatt man to commit sewicide? i guess yu never did;
they luv gravy tew well for that.
Shaikspear loved old Jack Fallstaff more than enny picture he ever
drew, and tho he filled him up tew the edge with deviltry, and stale
heroism, and much sack, and but little bread, he made him phatt, and
everyboddy would be verry sorry now tew hav this good-natured hillock
ov flesh graded down out ov their memory.
When Shaikspear wanted sum pizen, he sought out, you remember, a _lean_
apothekary, who kept a grocery ov beggarly boxes.
Did yu ever hear ov a phatt man being hung? I guess not. They sumtimes
destroy plum puddin, and biled ox, but they never murder enny thing
that ain't good tew eat.
That must hav been a phatt Frenchman who exclaimed, upon hiz fust visit
tew this kuntry, "By gar! what a people! Ten tousand different
religions, and only one gravy!"
In konklusion, i never knu but one phatt skool-master, and he want good
for enny thing, only tew slide down hill with the boys. This satisfize
me that _phat_ iz only another name for virtew.
LXII.
JOSH TALKS.
"_Paul._"--Yu ask me what i think ov the "Gift Distributing bizziness,"
and i don't hesitate tew say, that it has awl the premonitory simptums
ov a dead beat.
I hav alwus found that when enny man offers tew giv me ten dollars for
50 cents, he lies; i may think he means to do it, but he don't think
so; but i may possibly cum within 2 dollars and a half ov it once, and
if i do, i hav dun well, a grate deal better than i will the next time.
I never put enny money into these swindles, and would as soon undertake
tew raize a good sized greenback bi planting a shinplaster back ov the
hog pen.
If yu get desperate, and feel az tho yu must gamble, or die, go 25
cents, odd or even, on the number ov hairs in a kat's back, and count
them; this will cool yu oph.
"_Peter._"--I kant simpathize with yu, for i never was in love miself,
and don't kno what iz best tew grease it with.
Put a plaster on yur back, and see if that won't help yu.
If yu don't git enny better, wash in kerosene ile, and eat sum green
persimmons; if that don't make yu feel enny more eazier, git sea-sick,
and lift up things; this will cure 9 times out ov ten.
If yu find you don't git enny better, take another dose ov
sea-sickness.
If yu keep a gitting, finally, more wuss, yu hav got the real old
yeller love, and no mistake.
Thare iz only one kure for this kind, and that iz the ile ov wedlock;
but this iz very powerful, and wants tew be took with grate caution.
I hav known one dose ov it tew give a man phitts for life.
"_Brahma Pootra._"--Speaking ov hens, leads me tew remark, in the fust
place, that hens, thus far, are a suckcess.
They are domestick, and occasionally are tuff.
This iz owing tew their not being biled often enuff in their yunger
daze; but the hen ain't tew blame for this.
Biled hen is universally respekted.
Thare is a grate deal ov originality tew the hen--exactly how mutch i
kant tell, historians fight so mutch about it. Sum say Knower had hens
with him in the ark, and sum say he didn't. So it goes which and
tuther.
I kant tell yu which was born fust, the hen or the egg; sumtimes i
think the egg was--and sumtimes i think the hen was--and sumtimes i
think i don't kno, and i kant tell now, which way is right, for the
life of me.
Laying eggs is the hen's best grip.
A hen that kant lay eggs--is laid out.
One egg is konsidered a fair day's work for a hen. i hav heard ov their
doing better, but i don't want a hen ov mine tew do it--it is apt tew
hurt their constitution and by-laws, and thus impaire their futer
worth.
The poet sez, beautifully:
"Sumboddy haz stole our old blew hen!
I wish they'd let her bee;
She used tew lay 2 eggs a day,
And Sundays she'd lay 3."
This sounds trew enuff for poetry, but i will bet 75 thousand dollars
that it never took place.
This bet stands open till the 17th day ov November next, at halff past
twelve o'clock.
"_Student._"--Rats originally cum from Norway, and i wish they had
originally staid thare.
They are about as uncalled for as a pain in the small ov the back.
They kan be domestikated dreadful easy, that is, as far as gitting in
cupboards, and eating cheese, and knawing pie, is concerned.
The best way tew domestikate them that ever i saw, is tew surround them
gently, with a steel trap; yu kan reason with them then tew grate
advantage.
Rats are migratorious, they migrately whare ever they hav a mind to.
Pisen is also good for rats; it softens their whole moral naturs.