wilderness, besides sleepless nights, and anxious days, tew git them
down to a spot, without blemish and filled with fun.
These pills will kure deffness, dipthery and dandruff--are good
for baldness, bronkreeters and baksliding--are sertin tew heal
hedake, hifalutin, and hangnails--will remove warts, windgauls and
wens--destroy awl longings, lassitudes, laziness--will soothe the
sorrowful, cam the crazy, and kure a common sized fit in 2 minnits.
They are closs packed in little round boxes, and each little box
kontains 2 dozen and 2, or no sail.
Each box iz dun up in a trakt, which sez that they are az sure to cure,
az lightning iz tew strike what it starts for.
On the top ov the box iz a full sized painting ov the Author, with a
grub hoe in one hand, and a whole parsell ov roots in the other--with a
napsack on hiz back, and mountains in the distance, tew which he iz
pinting with the grub hoe--them iz the mountains whare he gits the
rutes.
On the top ov each little round box, iz these words, in a forrin tung,
"_Hocus pocus, quod constallus_," which being biled down means,
"_purely vegetabels_."
For sum more partikulars, cummune with the author.
(Signed) BARNABASS BONESETT, M.D.
XVIII.
JOSH IN SARATOGA.
SARATOGA, _Sept. 8, 1867_.
DEAR WEEKLY:--Don't think I am going to ruin, don't think i am totaly
spilte, bekauze yu happen to hear from me at this grate drinking place.
I am here on urgent and melankolly bizzness, looking for mi
Newfoundland pup, not quite 5 months old yet, that I lost lately.
Saratogy never appeared tew me so free from _white swellings_ az it duz
now. I haint seen a dozen people ov the ballon purswashion, but almost
evry one i meets ackts just az tho they had sum good common sense, and
had brought enuff along with them to last while they staid.
Shoddy & Petroleus hav gone tew Europe, to astonish Paris with their
paste diamonds and fire gilt familys.
Thare is about 4 thousand strangers here just now, and the liberal way
that they invest in the katharticks ov the situation iz suggestive.
Yesterday i saw a bride and her new feller at Congress Spring. She waz
a rosy and a roomy bride. He waz bilt to run in shallow water, rather a
light draft chap, i thought; but he took 9 consekutiff glasses without
flinching, and, i think, would have held one more.
He looked a hundred pounds bigger. I waz filled with horror at the
sight, but soon had aul mi fears soothed, when i saw almost everybody
present wash themsels internally with five or six tumblers full ov this
liquid salts and perilash.
Congress Hall iz being rebuilt with bricks on the old ground, and iz at
least 15 rods front on Broadway, with 2 wings az menny rods deep, and
will cost 400 thousand dollars, and will feed, sleep, and physick one
thousand festive sons and daughters at onst.
Evry house here, except the churches, iz a boarding house; aul the
femail seminiaries, and akademys of the arts and sciences, fill up
their summer vakations with spring-water pupils.
The great tiger ov the place iz the hi rock spring; this now flows over
its conical summit, something that it haz not done before for 300
years, and besides being a good artickle ov physick, is probably the
greatest natral curiousness this side ov the temple of Solomon, his 500
wives and 300 good-looking collaterals inkluded.
Take the kathartics out ov Saratogy, and thare wouldn't be ennything
left ov deep interest, but a pale yeller, sandy sile, that haint got
moral strength enuff in it tew hold a fense-post up straight, unless
the hole waz well manured first.
But, with some 10 or 15 ov theze mineral springs that will kure
ennything, from a broken heart tew the spring halt--water the most
sparkling--water that biles and bubbles, without money, and without
even stamps, and has biled ever since Cain waz a babe--I say, with such
a legacy, Saratogy iz today the surest place on the breast ov the earth
to git a good loose drink.
My stay here will necessarily be small; i kant git no track ov mi
Newfoundland pup, with one white foot and a star in his forehead; and
bizzness before drinking being one ov mi best holts, i shall leave here
before long for Montreal or Saint Lewis, in search ov the dogg.
The annual races passed oph with the usual amount ov burglarys, and
pocket-book thieveries, but I was told yesterday, by one ov the first
citizens, that yu kan leave a roll ov bank bills (since the races)
lying on the sidewalk, and noboddy would pick it up for the fust two
days.
I haven't tried this myself, nor don't intend to, for fear thare might
be just one slippery cuss left in the place, and one man could raize up
a rowl ov bills for me, just as eazy az 40 could.
I havn't got munny, nor grit enuff, to indulge in sich moral
experiments.
The ground, whare the old United States Hotel stood, remains kivered
with the debris ov that melankolly and hot fire, which reduced tew
ashes and old bricks, the most popular and fashionable dry goods
emporium in the universe ov America.
I have it from _Jenkins_, (who is here now gitting himself pliable,)
that az soon az one or two objectionable partners can be smoked out ov
the ring, then the balance ov them will build on the grounds a hotel
that will make--Rome howl.
The Union and the Clarendon are the two champions now, and both ov them
hav a full stummuk ov clean looking, and very decent ackting
passengers.
Thare iz sum very elaborate rigs here; one that I saw yesterday waz
quite "_uneak_." (I don't know whether this word iz just the thing tew
use in this spot, but it sounds big, and strange, and that iz awl that
I care for.)
The rig consisted ov a yello buggy, with a black bugger driving,
clothed in drab broadcloth, with bras buttons, and cockade on a plug
hat with a velvet belly band around it, and salmon colored gloves, and
a 10 foot whip-stork, with a spotted dogg under the front axletree, and
3 hosses in injun file, two blacks, and the one on the lead the color
ov cream.
_Jenkins_ told me, that they were the only shoddy team here, and
belonged tew a young fellow from Melankton 4 corners, in the state ov
Conneckticut, whose father has raked in 2 millions, by making beeswax
out ov a very little mutton tallow, and a good deal ov injun meal.
But it won't do to believe awl that _Jenkins_ sez; he has lied so
consekutive for the last 15 years, that hiz front teeth hav awl decayed
out.
One ov the perennial feeters ov Sarotogy, iz a drove ov tame injuns,
with their squaws, and young porpoises, who cum here each drinking
season, from the outlines ov Kanada, laiden with braided baskets, bags
ov beads, and harmless bows and arrows.
Theze people might hav bin good injuns onst, but each successive
porpoise grows paler, and meaner, and if it want for their nastyness,
there aint 3 boarding-school misses in the whole land, with poetry
enuff in their bild tew call them "the noble red men ov the forest."
The fact ov it iz, thare iz more truth than poetry in injuns, and the
_truth_ iz, that keyenne whiskey, and other kinds ov civilization, has
outflanked them.
It requires a grate deal ov good sense tew stand whiskey and
civilization.
A wild injun iz a most magnificent cuss without doubt, but a tame
injun, one with more milk than molasses in hiz face, iz almost az near
good for nothing, az a counterfit bill, on the bank ov Newfoundland.
Injuns, tew be good and profitable, must live at least 2 thousand miles
from ennyboddy else, and always stay at home, and never see a
missionary.
P.S.--I hav just this minnit received a dispatch that thare iz one more
nufoundland pupp in Freehold, New Jersey, this morning than thare waz
yesterday at this time, with a fu white hairs on the end ov his tail.
I shall start immegiately, and if i kan only rescue mi pup before he
gits contaminated, I shall be az proud az a rooster. In haste, good
bye.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XIX.
SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.
The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets.
She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows
them tew be sold at a mean price.
The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin
cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like
the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen
lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fashioned
goddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood
treat on Mount Ida.
There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one
in the whole lot.
I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree,
in sumboddy's tall grass, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful
easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally
mixed with them in the hurry of the moment. Cherrys are good, but they
are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it. Peaches are
good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.
Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with half-sweetened
drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys, besprinkled with crushed
shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream (at sumboddy else's expense),
and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov
strawberrys and stummuks, and the phellow who pays for the strawberrys,
iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth tastes like a
hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it.
* * * * *
Kokernuts grow up in the air, in a hot climate way over the ocean,
about 80 feet from the ground--on the top ov a tree.
They are generally picked bi the monkeys in that naborhood, who throw
them at the natives, in exchange for the stones that the natives heave
at the monkeys.
They grow az a negro's head duz, with a good deal ov skull tew them.
A kokernut, after it haz bin scalpt, resembles an old ten pin ball,
only a little more round one way than tuther.
On the end ov the nut toward you iz 2 eyes, fast asleep. The kokernut
iz opened bi breaking the skull and this brings them tew their milk.
The milk in the kokernut haz never bin explained yet, and the reazon
iz, becauze noboddy has ever asked me tew do it.
Whenever the philosophers "giv it up," i shall reply tew the konundrum.
Az an artikle ov diet, the koker iz about on a level with the french
raw turnip, and iz az hard tew digest az one ov Secretary Seward's
letters ov State.
Biled koker might possibly be good, if it warnt a grate deal better
when it waz raw; and raw kokernuts iz only good for children and young
greyhounds tew eat, whose stummuks are like a nutmeg grater.
The only real good thing about this forrin nut iz its skull; they kan
be cut into 2, and made into drinking kups, and i must konfess, they do
look kind, when laid on a clean flatt stun in the side ov a meadow
spring; but i kant drink out ov them myself, without thinking that if
they hadn't been cut in 2, what a kapital thing they would be tew bild
a young darkey to.
But this iz only a phoolish noshun ov mine, and probably it couldn't be
did enny how.
* * * * *
It iz now about 8 or eleven years, since folks begun tew hanker after
the Tomater. About that time, sum doktor ov pills, dissekted one ov
theze vagrant vegetabels, and diskovered sum doktor stuff in them.
Az soon az folks found out they waz fisick, they begun tew be verry
sweet on the tomater.
At that time they waz in the habit ov growing in sly places, whare they
want afraid, over behind stone walls, amung broken jugs, ded kats, and
old injun-rubber boots, for peopel wouldn't let them grow in gardins
enny more than they would a kanaday thissell.
They were vagabond weeds, and even a woods hogg wouldn't eat one ov the
berrys that grew on them, enny quicker than he would a bawl ov red
stocking yarn.
But it waz decided that there waz sum pills in them, and they were putt
tu nuss, in pots, and vases, and lived on the phatt ov the land, in
hott houses, along side ov tiger lilys, and rozes ov Sharon.
It took most folks about 18 months ov perseverance and sea sickness,
tew git the tomater to go quietly down, and now, from a vile weed, more
smelly than a deseased klam, the tomatow haz actually got to be more
honorabel than a bukwheat slapjack, or even a punkin pie.
This shows what love and affekshun will do.
I haven't enny doubt that if Professor Ratsbane would say
profeshionally, that wasps nests waz good to make a mustash grow black,
half the men in the kuntry would git a wasp and go into the nest
bizzness.
I don't beleave a tomater will keep a man enny more helthy than red
clover will, but i am just like evry body else, i wanted tew git sum
better than i waz, and i went to skool to the tomato, and have got
learnt how tew eat them, if they are filled with salt and pepper, and
soaked well in good sider vinegar.
I hav seen folks pick them oph from the vines in the gardin, and eat
them right down alive; i would az soon undertake tew eat a handful ov
putty.
But tomatoze hav worked themselfs up to a necessary, and i am the last
man to injure their reputashun, for i beleave an innocent humbugg iz
just az mutch right tew win, (if they kan) az any other man.
There iz one thing I do hope, and that iz that nobody will undertake
tew make kastor ile one ov the luxurys until after i am dead, for
kastor ile and bed buggs iz 2 things that i solemly sware i won't hav,
if they git to be ever so fashinable.
XX.
JOSH REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS.
_Mastiff._--I kant tell yu the best kind ov a dogg tew buy; but for a
man of limited means, i think the wodden dogg iz the most cheapest.
They are the less liabel tew git out ov repare, and ain't awl the time
following folks oph. They kant wag their tales, but that kan be
remydied by having them made without enny. They are not apt tew be
noizy in the night; but if yu want one tew frighten away the robbers,
awl yu hav got tew dew iz tew hav one made with the bark on.
_Walton._--Yu are right about it; the bull-head aint a game fish,
although they die hard. I kant giv yu enny posatiff rule to be a game
fisher. Pashunce iz a good thing tew hav. I would advise yu to
practiss, for the fust year, in a tan vat, with a leather line, and a
skillet handle for a fish hook; yu may not ketch mutch fish, but yu
will learn how tew twitch butifully.
_Davenport._--I beleave in the doktrin ov spiritualism--that iz, i
beleave it iz a smart doktrin. A man haz tew hav a United States
juggler's license now before he kan beleave in the doktrin. I beleave
in raps on the table, but when i hear them cum pretty loud and fast i
make up mi mind that sumboddy iz gitting badly eukered. I don't
rekolekt ov but one communikashun between spirits that iz menshuned in
the Bible, and that took place between Lazarus and another gentleman.
It iz pleasant to know that one ov these spirits waz a pure one, and
that he had awl the advantage (ov the other gentleman) in the argument,
and in the posishun.
_Eazell._--I kant tell yu who painted the Greek Slave; she aint on
exhibishun. They are gitting the fine arts almost perfeck now-a-days.
One feller in Pittsburg haz painted a sorrell hors so perfekly that the
hair awl cum oph from the hors. And another fellar haz just _finished_
a Durham cow that he had _salted down_ last fall for family use. And
another artiss haz got a Nufoundland pupp in hiz studio reddy--that he
haz bin offered 10 dollars for bi the owner, and no questions asked.
_Parent._--I kant tell yu the best way tew bring up a boy; but, if i
had one that didn't lie well enuff tew suit me, i think now i would set
him tew tending a dri goods store. Probably, one ov the best ways to
bring up a boy in the way he should go, iz tew travel that woy
ourselfs, once in a while. Still thare aint no sure thing; I have seen
them brought up az kerful az a lappdog, and then go tew the devil jist
az soon az they could strike the right track. And then agin, i hav saw
them cum out ov sumboddy's gutter and wash up like a dimond. Raising
boys iz a good deal like raising colts; if yu don't git more than one
out ov ten that iz a fast one, yu are dewing fust rate. A grate menny
men hanker for a boy tew transmit their reputashun to! i konsider this
about az risky az the hen's egg bizzness; thare iz always sum chances
agin it--one iz, that the eggs may be spilte before they start for
market, and another iz, they may git busted in carrying.
XXI.
LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET.
FURNISHED AND UNFURNISHED.
BI * * * * *.
_Real Estate Agent and Property Broker._
_Number One_--Gothick cottage, (with chimbleys, and windo blinds
attached,) and water, (in the suller,) lokated for the present on the
south-east angle ov Soap and Myrtle streets; house kontains a bay
windo; would suit a lawyer or a blacksmith. Rent, for the summer
months, (including the good will ov the naberhood,) $4,500. No children
and doggs aloud on the premises. Cards, tew view the hous, kan be
obtained ov the agent (admitting a gentleman and 2 ladys) for the
trifling sum ov 5 dollars. N.B.--This hous waz taken yesterday, and
customers are forbid tew bother the agent bi inquiring about it.
_Number Two_--Will be tew rent in a fu daze; the hous iz being put in
perfeck order bi being whitewashed, and the floor sprinkled with sum
sand. This hous is a cross ov the Ionian & Dorick style, waz built when
lumber waz skarse, and iz almitey hard finished throughout, rat-holes
awl plugged up, and a bottle ov bed bugg pizen, neatly labeled, and
hung up in each room. To a tenant who kan bring testimony, and a good
pedigree, this hous would be leased for a term ov 30 or 40 years, for
about 2,500 hundred dollars a year, the tenant tew pay the taxes, and
remove the mortgages now on the premises, and put in the gass, and git
the hous insured for 6,000 dollars, and assign the polisy tew the agent
az collatteral security for the faithful performanse ov the kontrakt.
N.B.--If thare iz enny things else that i hav forgot tew menshun about
the terms, the tenant kan hav them inserted, when the papers are drawed
up, without extra charge.
_Number Three_--Iz kompletely furnished with gass fixtures and meether,
and ile cloth in the front hall, and pegs in the closets, and back
verandy. This delightful property iz now occupied bi a phisician,
("whose sands ov life hav about run out,") and sum ov the rent would be
took in boarding the phisician ("whose sand iz about run thru,") and
hiz wife, and wife's oldest sister, and her unkle, and the 9 children,
who are awl lite eaters, havin bin kept for the laste 6 months on sperm
kandle soup. Tew a tenant who could loan the phisician $1,500 or two
thousand dollars, and take a first mortgage on the furniture in the
hous, a liberal rent would be named, payable quarterly in advanse.
P.S.--fust cum, fust git.
_Number Four_--Iz the property ov a two-millionaire, who iz about going
tew Urope with hiz entire family, tew spend sum munny. This hous haz
one ov Chickering's 10 oktave, iron-frame, overstrung bass, rosewood,
round kornered, pearl keyed, pianners, built expressly for the owner bi
Mr. Chickering himself, after the design ov the pantheon in Rome,
(Italy,) and also haz a hole cut thru the roof, from which the North
star kan be distinktly seen with the naked eye. Rent iz no objeck--tew
a small family ov one or two persons, this hous could be had, if
applied for within 2 daze, at the nominal prise ov 20,000 dollars a
month, reckoning 26 working days tew the month.
_Also_--A superb hoss ov a black culler, warranted 16 hands hi, ov
grate enduranse, tew stand without tieing, and kan trot in 2:53; would
make a good card for a hearse hoss.
XXII.
LAUGHING.
It never haz been proved, that enny ov the animal kreation hav
attempted tew laff, (we are quite certain that none hav succeded;) thus
this deliteful episode and pleasant power appears tew be entirely
within the province ov humans. It iz the language ov infancy--the
eloquense ov childhood,--and the power tew laff is the power to be
happy. It is becoming tew awl ages and conditions; and (with the very
few exceptions, sakred tew sorrow) an honest, hearty laff iz always
agreeable and in order. It iz an index ov karakter, and betrays sooner
than words.--Laffing keeps oph sickness, and haz conquered az menny
diseases az ever pills have, and at mutch less expense.--It makes
flesh, and keeps it in its place.--It drives away weariness and brings
a dream ov sweetness tew the sleeper.--It never iz covetous.--It
ackompanys charity, and iz the handmaid ov honesty.--It disarms
revenge, humbles pride, and iz the talisman ov kontentment.--Sum have
kalled it a weakness--a substitute for thought, but really it
strengthens wit, and adorns wisdum, invigorates the mind, gives
language ease, and expreshun elegance.--It holds the mirror up tew
beauty; it strengthens modesty, and makes virtue heavenly. It iz the
light ov life; without it we should be but animated ghosts. It
challenges fear, hides sorrow, weakens despair, and carries haff ov
poverty's bundles.--It costs nothing, comes at the call, and leaves a
brite spot behind.--It iz the only index ov gladness, and the only buty
that time kannot effase.--It never grows old; it reaches from the
cradle clear tew the grave. Without it, love would be no pashun, and
fruition would show no joy.--It iz the fust and the last sunshine that
visits the heart; it was the warm welkum ov Eden's lovers, and was the
only capital that sin left them tew begin bizzness with outside the
Garden ov Pardise.
XXIII.
LYING.
As easy az it iz to lie, I am astonished that thare are so few engaged
in the bizzness, and that so few fust-rate lies are ever told.
I am not prepared to say how mutch real sin thare iz in what iz kalled
a light-colored lie, that haz no maliss or evil result in it, but I
have alwus notised that the heft ov mankind love to excel in awl they
undertake, and I can't tell how long a man would be willing to tell
white lies for fun when he might be turning an honest penny for himself
by telling black ones.
Men don't generally bekum drunkards by confinning themselfs stricktly
tew sweet sider.
Lieing is the lowest grade of sin,--it is more cowardly than stealing,
bekause thare is less risk in it--it is more demoralising than
burglary, bekause there is no cure for it,--it is more dangerous than
swareing, bekause swareing don't hurt enny boddy else,--it waz the fust
sin committed, bekause it was the easiest and most natral, and it will
probably be the last one committed, bekause no man ever gits so poor
and degraded but what he kan tell quite a respectabel lie.
Lieing is said tew be constitushionall in sum folks,--so is the itch
constitushionall, because folks hang around whare it is, and won't
doktor for it after they git caught by it.
Finally--I might as well own it--I hav told a few very fair lies
myself, but i kant reckollect ov one that I feel proud ov now.
XXIV.
PERKUSSION CAPS.
I hold that a man has jist as mutch rite tew spel a word as it is
pronounsed, as he has tew pronounse it the way it aint spelt.
Sticking up our nose don't prove enny thing, for the most sensitiff
person in the world, when he is away from his kittles, is a bone biler.
But fu sights, in this life, are more sublime and pathetick, than tew
see a poor, but virtuous yung man, full ov christian fortitude,
struggling with a mustatch.
Common sense is most ginnerally dispised bi those who haint got it.
If I was asked which was the best way, in these days ov temptashun, tew
bring up a boy, i should say--bring him up the back way.
It don't require enny edukashun tew tell the truth, but tew lie well
dus.
We are told "that an honest man is the noblest _work_ ov God"--but the
demand for the _work_ has been so limited, that i hav thought a large
share ov the fust edishun must still be in the author's hands.
Men don't seem never tew git tired ov talking about themselfs, but i
hav heard them when i thought they showed signs ov weekness.
If yu would make yurself agreeable, wherever yu go, listen tew the
grivences ov others, but never relate yure own.
Sum folks are always trieing tew see thru a millstone edgeways, when,
if they would only turn it over on the flat side, they could look rite
thru the hole.
Buty is like a ranebow--full ov promis, but short lived.
It aint best tu swop with yure relashuns, unless yu kan afford tew giv
them the butt end ov the trade.
Amung the blu laws ov Konnekticut, (which are now obsolute,) are
this--"No man shall chaw turbakker on Sunday, unless he swallers the
spit."
Also, "No yung woman shal hav a rite tew git marrid, who kant make a
donut that will keep at least one year, without loseing its twist."
I beleave in the universal salvashun ov men, but I want tew pick the
men.