wisdum kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a good natured proverb,
better and deeper than tew be mortised into it with a wormwood mallet
and chissell.
The pure don't gro old enny more than a mountain spring dus.
I don't think thare is enny rule for long life. I hav known men tew die
before they was 40, from the effek ov a vegatabel diet, and i hav known
others tew liv 75 years on salt pork and sider brandy, and then quit
the pork on akount ov their helths, and live 15 years longer on the
sider brandy alone.
"Give me liberty, or giv me deth"--but ov the 2 I prefer the liberty.
As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is
dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in
playing a poor hand well.
The time tew pray is not when we are in a tight spot, but jist as soon
as we git out ov it.
"The Lord tempers the wind to the shorn lamb," but it is man's
bissiness tew see that he don't shear the lamb tew cluss.
XXV.
ONE WEEK FROM MY DIAREE.
MONDAY.--Had suckers for breakfast. Suckers and sussagis are the 2
luxuries ov life; the other luxury iz eazy boots. Answered several
letters ov grate moment.
TUESDAY.--Awoke with a splendid headache, cauzed by drinking tew much
spring water the evening previously, and going tew bed at 9 o'clock
precisely. Breakfasted on the butt end ov a sassige; felt like a dogg.
Sett down in my little chamber for reflekshun, and reflekted as
follers:
Rekolekted ov hearing a man, on the levee, in Saint Lewis, once say
"that the steambote Perary Flower drew less water than any bote an the
Missouri." I asked him, "how little she could draw?" After changing
sides with hiz chaw ov tobacco, he calmly said, "About 2 barrels." I
reflekted what a phool this man made ov himself, and ov me too.
WEDNESDAY.--Rekolekted ov asking a man in Minnysota, if beans waz a
sure krop in hiz parts. He sed "they waz az certain az a revolver."
Reflekted upon the danger ov carrying concealed weapons.
Rekolekted again ov being in Nu Hampshire, during a severe sno storm,
and innocently enuff remarked, "that i never see ennything like it,"
and waz told by one ov the bar-room boarders, "that it want nothing,
that he had seen it fall over a thousand feet." "What," sed i, "a
thousand feet on the level?" "No," said he, "but a thousand feet from
on high." I reflekted how eazy it waz for sum folks tew lie, and tell
the truth at the same time.
THURSDAY.--Rekolekted once more ov being on the Red River, in Arkansaw,
and seeing a large piece ov frame-work, by the side ov the road;
enquired ov a private citizen, who was leading a blind mule by one ov
hiz ears, "what the frame-work mought be?" He sed, "it was a blind
fiddle, and it took three yoke ov oxen tew draw the bow, and they had
tew haw and gee tew change the tune." Reflekted on that passidge in the
poeck, which sez "man is fearfully and wonderfully made;" and thought
the remark might apply tew fiddles in Arkansaw, without spileing the
remark.
FRIDAY.--Visited mi washwoman, and blowed her up, for sewing ruffles
and tucks onto the bottom ov mi drawers.
[Illustration: Josh Billings, upon remonstrating with his washerwoman
for sewing tucks onto the bottom of his drawers, is told that the
clothes have only been mixed.--_See page 93._]
She was thunderstruck at fust, but explained the mystery by saying,
"she had sent me a pair, by mistake, that belonged to * * * *;" I
blushed like a biled lobster, and told her she couldn't be too keerful
about such things; i might hav bin ruined for life.
SATURDAY.--Wrote this diaree for the week, from memory, and am
satisfied i hav got a good memory. Reflekted upon the vanity ov human
wishes, reflekted how often i had wished tew be ritch, and how seldum
mi wishes had bin gratified. Resolved, in the futur, not tew wish for
ennything until i had it 3 weeks, and see how i liked it.
JOSH BILLINGS--Dispensed with a new born critick who had tried hard tew
be severe on my Book ov Sayings, thusly:--Dear Sir, I have red yure
kriticism on mi book, and muss say, it don't cum haf way up tew mi
expectations. Yu seem tew hav in a big degree one essenshall for a bull
critick, that is a grate willingness tew _damn_, but yu lack entirely
another ingredient which is awl important: yu don't know how tew bild a
_dam_. Upon the whole, i am forced tew admit, that you are a poor
_damn_ crittick.
Yure Lover,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XXVI.
AMERIKAN ARISTOKRASY.
VIEWED BY JOSH BILLINGS.
Political ekonomists hav defined an aristokrasy as a power or
government in which a privileged few hold dominyun.
I am not aware that sich a government exists, in a pure form, at the
present day among the nashuns ov the earth.
But we kant be mistaken in the fackt that even in our own Republick
thare are menny kandidates who would luv to participate in the peculiar
privileges ov an aristokrasy.
We hav divided Amerikan Aristokrasy (jist for fun) into 3 piles--the
moneyed, the mackrel, and the pedigree aristokrats.
Not having much time tew spare, we pitch into them a good deal as
follers:
The moneyed aristokrats are like certain fine coated animals, worth
just what their hides will bring.
The mackrels are remarkable for their numbers and the small kapital
they dew bizziness on; and while arrayed in their false dignity, and
straining hard tew cheat us in awl things, are like a drunken man
trieing tew walk a krack.
The pedigrees hav mutch innosense and little courage. Content with the
glory ov their ancestors, they are satisfied in holding under our noses
a grandfather's fossils, and fondly beleaf that the bones make them
smell ov greatness.
Finally, trieing tew be a fust klass aristokrat in America, just yet,
appears tew us tew be almost as flattring an enterprise as climbing a
greased pole. Thare is great doubt about our being able tew reach the
top, and if we dew succeed (and don't pull the pole up after us) we
will soon hav the mortifikashun ov seeing some other sheumaker climbing
up the same pole.
MORAL--Don't be an aristokrat if you kan help it.
XXVII.
LOVE.
The only natural feeling the young heart possesses is love. It is the
first good thing the heart dus, and in after life it is often the only
good thing it dus.
Thare is no posatif virtue in love, and yet it may be the result ov the
holyest ov virtues.
But thare is, in this life, a vast deal ov Pontoon love, that has no
more virtue in it than wooden nutmegs hav.
Thare is, "Love undying," that generally lives about as long as
uncorked ginger pop dus.
Thare is "Love Untold," which is alwus told tew ennyboddy who will
listen to it, and is as full ov pathos as a pork and beans nightmare.
And thare is "Love at sight," to which I will add Love for 90 days.
These are sum ov the different kinds ov love that are denominated
pashun, and form much ov the trading capital that lovers do bissness
on.
There is not much sin in these different styles ov love; they don't
seem tew git up tew the dignity ov sin; thare is deception in them
without doubt; but the deception is like Costar's celebrated Rat
Exterminator, it won't hurt ennyboddy else but the rats.
I am not prepared to say that I would like to see these things dun away
with, for sumthing wuss might spring up in the place ov them; they seem
tew be necessary in carrying on a trade in which judgment has to yield
to fancy, and fancy is too often forced to yield to nonsense.
If we could (enny ov us) have our old courtship written out and given
to us for perusal, we should probably look upon it as we would upon a
Chinese comick almanick, unable tew understand the pikturs and
satisfied that the astronomical calculations were never designed for
our latitude.
XXVIII.
THE GAME OF YEWKER.
This ill-bred game ov kards is about 27 years old.
It was fust diskovered by the deck hands on a lake Erie steam Boat, and
handed down by them tew posterity in awl its juvenile beauty.
It is generally played by 4 persons and owes mutch ov its absorbingness
tew the fackt that yu kan talk, and drink, and chaw, and cheat while
the game is advancing.
I have seen it played on the Hudson River Railroad, in the smoking
cars, with more immaculate skill than ennywhare else.
If yu play thare, yu will often hold a hand that will astonish you,
quite often 4 queens and a 10 spot, which will inflame you to bate 7 or
8 dollars that it is a good hand tew play poker with; but you will be
more astonished when you see the other feller's hand, which invariably
consists ov 4 kings and a one spot.
Yewker is a mollatto game, and don't compare tew old sledge in majesty,
enny more than the game ov pin does to a square church raffle.
I never play yewker.
I never would learn how, out ov principle.
I was originally created cluss to the Connektikut line, in Nu England,
whare the game ov 7 up, or old sledge, was born, and exists now in awl
its pristine virginity.
I play old sledge, tew this day, in its natiff fierceness.
But I won't play enny game, if I know my charakter, whare a jack will
take an ace, and a ten spot won't count game.
I won't play no such kind ov a game, out ov respekt to old Connekticut,
mi natiff place.
XXIX.
NOW AND THEN.
In anshunt days, men, after konsidering an enterprise, proceeded with
energee tew execute it; _now_ they shut up one eye, and "pitch in."
In old times, if their judgment sanctioned, they considered the
chances; _now_, they "let her rip."
_Then_, they drank moderately ov water and brandy; _now_, they smile
aquafortiss, and suk sweet scented turpentine, thru a quill.
_Then_, if circumstancis made it imperativ, they closed their
bissiness, by affekting an honarabil compromise; _now_, they "cave in,"
"squeal," or "absquat."
_Then_, kontrary opinyuns were okassionally supported with reasonabel
wagers; _now_, every man "bets his pile," or "bottom Dollar."
_Then_, they went a mile in forti-two, with an easy rein; _now_, in 2
forti, under a strong pull.
_Then_, most familys held from 6 to 10 healthy children, within its
hallowed sirkle a radiant mother, and a stalwart sire; _now_, too oftin
a puny father, with unsertin knees, a romantik madame, with a pale lily
at her breast, a wet nuss, 2 Bridgits and a kennel ov sore eyed pups.
_Then_, they went tew meeting, to hear a docktrin sermon, and be
humbell before God; _now_, they flaunt into holy palaces, and pay out
fortunes every year, to lounge on velvet, and hear the Bible amateured,
by a daintee gentleman, who handles their sins as he would a sleeping
infant.
_Then_, our halls ov legislatur were filled with honest patriots;
_now_, with clever bandits, whose courtesys dwell upon the tips ov
buoyknives, and whose eloquence and arguments are couchant in the
chambers ov deadly revolvers.
_Then_, we had youths apprenticed to a honest calling, whose indenters
were diplomas; _now_, pale young gentlemen, emulous ov fisick, or the
law, who are pendant to the perlews ov the courts and colleges,
watching for the falling ov a crumb.
_Then_, we had maidens until they had bin looked upon bi at least 20
summers, and were modest enuff tew pick out a husband from a skore ov
earenst and honest men, whoze very eyes had the promis ov bread in
them; _now_, 15 summers make a woman, (or what we are obliged tew take
for one,) and one so ripe too, that he who fust shakes the bush, gits
the eager fruit.
_Then_, our literatur and learning waz drawn from sound philosophee, or
quaint proverbs ov sense, and the fu books that prevailed was good;
_now_, evryboddy writes a book, and evry phool reads it; learning is
sterotiped, and wisdom iz only 12 shillings a vollume.
_Then_, industry kreated wants, virtew tempered them, and frugality
supplied them; _now_, luxury haz taken the plase ov industry, pride the
plase ov virtew, and extravaganse the plase ov frugality.
_Then_, men ware solisituss about their karakters; _now_, about their
pedigrees.
_Then_, they found health at hum; _now_, they hunt for it bi travell.
Finally--if our Grand Pops should cum among us, with the plans and
precepts ov a hundred years ago, we, in our impudence and wickedness,
would be caught laffing at them, while they, in virtuous sorrow, would
be in tears over us, and thus would be enakted the scenes which alwus
ensews when fools and sages meet.
XXX.
OATS.
Munny has dun one thing fur the world that no thing else could hav did
so well--it has developed the phools.
The best kind ov advice fur me tew foller is this: "Pay tew the order
ov Josh Billings 50 dollars and charge mi akount--John Burch." I had
rather hav 10 Dollars ov this kind ov advice than six hundred in
Christian consolashun; there is more sassage in it.
Although mankind worship wealth, I will give them credit fur one
thing--they seldom mistake it fur brains.
Most aul the grate things hav bin did by taking the chances. Prudence
has but one eye, while fortune has a thousand.
If a man has 2 stummuks and 2 outsides, thare might be sum excuse fur
adding 10 thousand dollars more each year tew his pile.
I don't read enny boddy else's poetry but Homer's, upon the same
principle that i alwus drink, when it is just as handy, out ov a
spring, instead ov the outlet.
Treason is one ov them kind ov stains that wash well.
If a man has got tew be poor aul his life, I aint sure but it would be
sum munny in his pocket tew be ignorant.
Fust class virtu is alwus anxus tew avoid temptashun.
Yu kant transplant a Yaukee suckcessfully without taking up a good deal
ov the sile with the roots.
Originality in writing is as diffikult as gitting a fishpole by the
side ov a trout brook--aul the good poles hav bin cut long ago.
It is easy enuff tew git religion, but tew hold it is what bothers a
fellow. A good grip is better than rubis--yea! than mutch fine cotten
cloth.
I enjoy a good laff--one that rushes out ov a man's soul like the
breaking up ov a Sunday school; but a laff that cums tew the surface,
as the hickucks cum, or backs out ov a man, like the struggles ov a
chicken choked with a chunk ov haff wet dough, i utterly lament.
Thare aint no poetry in poverty, but enny number ov feet ov blank
verse.
When a fellow knows he is being stared at, it makes him act as unnatral
as though he wos setting fur his picktur.
I am called a "broad humorist," and i am glad ov it: thare is plenty ov
narrow humorists in the country without me.
Enny man who will kompell a woman tew make a shirt fur 20 cents, ought
tew be filled full ov fish-hooks and be used for bait tew ketch other
sharks with.
Silence is one ov the negativ virtews.
XXXI.
WATERFALLS.
I rather like waterfalls.
I kant tell _why_, enny more than I kan tell why I love kastor ile--but
kastor ile is good for a lazyness in the system.
I don't like laziness ov no sort--not even in muskeeters.
I want my muskeeters lively.
But aul this iz foreign tew mi purposs.
I like waterfalls--they are so eazy and natural.
They attack all the sex.
Some they attack with grate fury, while others they approach more like
a siege, working up slowly.
I saw one yesterday.
It want no bigger than a small French turnup.
It had attaked a small woman ov only 9 summers duration.
She waz full ov recreation, and when she bounded along the sidewalk the
waterfall highsted up and down in an ossillating manner, resembling
mutch the sportive terminus ov a bob-tailed lamb, in a grate hurry.
The effeck was purely eclectick.
I also saw another one pretty soon, which belonged tew a mature matron.
She might hav saw 75 summers; her hair waz white az flour (Perkins "A,"
worth 15 dollars a barrell, delivered); but the waterfall was black.
I asked a bystander how he could account for that.
He said "it waz younger."
I also saw another one pretty soon, which waz the property ov a gusher.
She was about 19 years old, and waz az ripe az a 2 year peach.
She swept the streets like a thing of life.
Men stopped to gaze az she pazsed, and put in a new chew ov tobacco.
Little boys pocketed their marbles in silence.
Her waterfall waz about the size ov a corn-basket turned inside out.
It waz inklozed in a common skap net, and kivered with blazing dimonds
ov glass.
It shone in the frisky sun like the tin dome on the Court House, whare
the supervizors meet.
But i rather like waterfalls.
It haz bin sed that they would run out, but this i think iz a error,
for they don't show no leak yet.
In the language of the expiring Canadian, on our northern frontier, I
say--"_Vive la Bag-a-tale_."
XXXII.
POLITENESS.
I hav looked into the philosophy ov politeness, with grate fierceness,
and see the thing in the followin light:
Ginowine politeness is a nice mixture ov vanity and good natur,
invigerated bi virtue, and chastened bi policy.
It will take a man along slikly, whose money and impudence, and even
religion, singly, would git stuck.
Nobody can stand, without quailing, before a broadside ov ginowine
politeness; it will make even a Pawnee Injun grow limber.
It mite not save a man from gitting kicked bi a mule, but it would save
him from gitting near enuff tew git kicked.
Thare is one other compound in ginowine perliteness, which gives it
terrifick force, and that is deference.
Deference will win oftener than double sixes.
If you want tew beat a man out ov his opinyun, let him hav his own way
till you cum tew the forks in the road, then you kan take him jist
which road you please.
I am not prepared tew call deference always a virtue, bekause it may
exist, and only be an art, or stratagem.
If it is natural, it quite often degenerates into servility, and if
artifishall, it merges into fraud, or cunning. Love without deference,
is nothing more than a raid.
The deference that exists between equals, (altho pleasant tew look
upon,) is not alwus flatterin tew think about; lions are necessarily
polite tew each other, but when lions bekum polite tew the lams, then
will deference reveal its true sublimity.
Thare is 2 kinds of politeness, the ripe, and the too mutch ripe
politeness; a goose has a grate deal ov this last kind ov politeness; i
have seen them lower their heds while going into a barn door, that was
18 foot high.
JOSH BILLINGS.
XXXIII.
DREAMS.
If yu are handsum, cultivate yure boots; if yu are hoamly, hoe yure
branes.
* * * * *
"Shut Nu Ingland out in the cold!"--i should as soon think ov shutting
the cold out ov Nu England.
* * * * *
I luv tu meet an old feller ov 70 on the rode, hanging on tu a pare ov
trotters. Old fellers! don't give up yure pull, till yure obliged tew.
* * * * *
Thare ain't mutch virgin virtchew in this world; it is purty mutch aul
Magdalen.
* * * * *
The trew province ov economy is tu see how mutch munny we kan liv the
clussest on.
* * * * *
The sudden ritch quite often find themselfs in the same ficks that
mullatters are--just above what they started from, and just belo what
they started for.
* * * * *
He who draws his experience from the past iz alwus a man, and he who
draws his experience from the futur iz always a child.
* * * * *
If yu kant git good clothes and eddicashun too, git the clothes.
* * * * *
Say "How are ye" tew everyboddy.
* * * * *
If yu argy, alwus git beet.
XXXIV.
JOSH CORRESPONDS.
_Jenkins_--Yure letter is full ov very foolish questions, but sum ov
them are worth answering.
I kant tell whether dogs are born with a bob-tail on them, or whether
they ain't, but i am inclined tew think they am.
I think they am, bekause I never see enny dogs' tails laying around
loose, without enny dog to them.
But thare is one thing that bothers me too, and that is, i kant see why
it aint just as easy for a dog tew be born with a whole tail on him as
with a bob piece, when he is about it; still, if the dog has got tew be
skant sumwhare, perhaps it is good judgment tew take it oph on the
longest end.
The more we sarch these things, Jenkins, the more curerisser they am.
Natur don't dew ennything without sum good reason of her own. If she
raises a bob-tailed dog, she don't dew it for fun, but for the dog's
welfair; perhaps the dog, if he had bin borned with a whole tail, might
hav had it bit oph by a sheep or sumthing.
So yu see, Jenkins, thare is figureing in aul these things.
As i told yu in mi last letter, you must study natur and wisdum more,
and then yu won't hav tew ask so menny phoolish questions.
A bob-tailed dog aint half so apt tew hav the tiphus fever as a
long-tailed dog is--this stands tew reason.
A long-tailed dog kan wag more than a bob-tailed dog kan; but wagging
ov aul kinds, is about played out.
If i should ever git able tew keep a dog, i should selekt a bob-tailed
one, for two reasons. One is, yu git more dog and less tail; and the
other is, thare aint no good place for the boys tew hitch a tin pail
onto them behind.
I had rather have one bob-tailed dog, if he was ever so small, than tew
hav six long-tailed ones, if they was ever so big. I might not be so
ritch, but i could invest the other 5 dogs in bank stock, which would
be better than nothing.
Thare is one thing, Jenkins, yu, nor no other man ever see, with the
naked eye, and that is a long-tailed dog that didn't hav fleas on him.
If yu want to hang up a dog by the tail, I am reddy tew allow that the
long-tailed ones are the handyest--but the best way, ennyhow, to hang a
dog, is by the neck.
In my next letter tew yu I will tell yu sum more news about dogs, but
in the mean time yu must prop yure eyes open, and keep up a devil ov a
thinking, and wisdum, by-and-by, will cum and sit on yu, and tell yu
awl about it, which ov the two is the most necessary, the bob, or the
long-tailed dog.
That part ov yure letter, in which yu ask me about Herring, iz full ov
very young and half-biled questions, sum ov which are tew easy tew
spend enny time answering; but thare is sum ov them more tuff, which I
may as well split up for yu now as enny time.
Herring is a small fish that lives in schools. They are used as
vittles, and resemble, very mutch, when they are cooked, a paper ov
stewed pins. They are cooked by being tanned in the smoke, and then are
et raw. They are generally served up with crackers and water. Crackers
and herring are as free from moisture as Daball's arithmetick, and will
keep without spileing, as long as the rule ov 3.
They are handy tew eat; you kan eat them on a run, or not, just as yu
hav a mind to.
Thare is one thing very awful about a herring; they hav got but one
bowell, and that is about the sise ov a chalk line when it is stretched
tight; this gives their stummuks a penurious look.
Bones is what a herring has the most ov; they are as full ov bone as a
rat's tail.
Yu ask me, "if the herrin and sturgin are the same fish?" This question
beats enny one i ever heard ov its sise; a child 2 hours old knows
better than that.
Jenkins, yu will either hav tew be born agin, or else pull oph yure
shoes and run out tew grass one summer, before yu will kno mutch.
_Nimrod_--I will write yu more at length after sheep-shearing, and will
merely suggest now that yu hav got rong noshuns about mankind in
general. Mankind in general is as oncertin as a wasp's nest, and wants
as mutch cluss watching as a mule's hind legg.
I hav got so poor an opinion ov mankind in general (as far as i hav
got) that if i was in a destitute condishun i would rather trust tew mi
luck than tew my virtue for sunbeams.
In relation tew that chunk ov skripture which yu ask me about, "Be yee
as wise as a sarpient, but harmless as a deer," don't mistake it for a
dose of catnip tea or herb drink; it warn't meant for a weak
prescription; it is a kind ov iron-klad missionary ship, and means
sharp work, on the sly.
Yure idee about the friendship ov the world is 4 miles tew leeward ov
the channel; friendship is like the magnetic needle, thare is certin
causes that will make it vary sideways sumtimes, but when it settles
down tew stiddy work it alwus pints tew the pole--and the fellow that
owns the needle owns the pole.
And as for human happiness, Nimrod, don't hunt for it, and yu may
acksidentally cum across sum ov it. Hunting happiness is a good deal
like hunting crows; when yu haint got yure gun with yu, yu kan alwas
git a grate deal nearer tew the crows.
XXXV.
NUZE CUTS FROM OUR EXCHANGES.
The "_Shanghi Dispatch_" advertises for "a Devil, not over 14 years ov
good moral karacter.--References exchanged.--The young Devil will be
expekted tew board with his father, espeshily during the cold weather."
* * * * *
The "_Nevada Brick_" says, "thare will be a total eklips of the moon,
next month, visibel with the naked eye, only tew the subskribers ov the
"_Brick_." Send in your subskriptions for the year at onst."
* * * * *