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JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE,
And Other Things.
* * * * *
_A NEW COMIC WORK_
JUST PUBLISHED, UNIFORM WITH THIS VOLUME, ENTITLED
Josh Billings, His Book.
WITH TWELVE COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.
[Symbol: Asterism] Copies sent by mail free
of postage, on receipt of price, $1.50 by
G. W. CARLETON & CO., Publishers.
New York.
* * * * *
[Illustration: Josh Billings visits the new Skating Pond, and witnesses
a rather interesting accident, which he describes as "a living lovely
mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle."--_See page 12._]
JOSH BILLINGS ON ICE,
And Other Things.
With Comic Illustrations by J. H. Howard.
NEW YORK:
Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square.
London: S. Low, Son & Co.
M DCCC LXX.
Entered according to act of Congress in the year 1868, by
G. W. Carleton & Co.,
In the Clerk's office of the District Court of the United States, for
the Southern District of New York.
THIS BOOK
IZ DEDICATED TO
AMAZI BARBOUR,
TEW LIQUIDATE A DET OV $17-50/100 THAT I OWED HIM.
JOSH BILLINGS.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
I.--JOSH ON ICE 11
II.--SUM NATRAL HISTORY 14
III.--LIVE YANKEES 20
IV.--LINCH PINS 23
V.--GOOSE TALK 26
VI.--JOSH BILLINGS: HIZ SHADE TREE 28
VII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS 31
VIII.--MONOGRAFFS 36
IX.--HONESTA IS THE BEST POLICY 39
X.--GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT 42
XI.--JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION 46
XII.--COLD PIECES 47
XIII.--LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS 50
XIV.--WISDOM CHUNKS 54
XV.--BILLIARDS 58
XVI.--JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES" 60
XVII.--BILLINGS ON PILLS 63
XVIII.--JOSH IN SARATOGA 66
XIX.--SUM VEGETABLE HISTORY 72
XX.--JOSH REPLIES TO CORRESPONDENTS 77
XXI.--LIST OF HOUSEN TEW LET 80
XXII.--LAUGHING 83
XXIII.--LYING 85
XXIV.--PERKUSSION CAPS 87
XXV.--ONE WEEK FROM MY DIARY 91
XXVI.--AMERICAN ARISTOCRACY 94
XXVII.--LOVE 96
XXVIII.--THE GAME OF YEWKER 98
XXIX.--NOW AND THEN 100
XXX.--OATS 103
XXXI.--WATERFALLS 106
XXXII.--POLITENESS 109
XXXIII.--DREAMS 111
XXXIV.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 113
XXXV.--NEWS CUT FROM OUR EXCHANGES 118
XXXVI.--DEAD BEATS 122
XXXVII.--SPRING--MAY, 1868 125
XXXVIII.--HARTES 127
XXXIX.--MONOGRAFFS 128
XL.--JOSH BILLINGS AND THE LEKTUR COMMITTY 133
XLI.--ORPHAN CHILDREN 137
XLII.--BILLINGS REPLIZE TEW CORRESPONDENTS 140
XLIII.--CHIPS FROM THE BUTT CUT OF WISDUM 143
XLIV.--ESSA ON SWINE 146
XLV.--ON SEWING MACHINES 148
XLVI.--SUM ADVISE 150
XLVII.--TAKE IT EASY 153
XLVIII.--JOSH CORRESPONDS 155
XLIX.--THEM GOOD OLD DAZE 159
L.--A HUM TRANSACTION 161
LI.--MILK, WHISKEE AND BEER 164
LII.--PLUCK 170
LIII.--FREE LOVE 171
LIV.--FAST MEN 173
LV.--JOSH REPLIZE TO ONE OF HIZ CORRESPONDENTS 175
LVI.--HUMAN HAPPINESS 177
LVII.--PHILOSOPHEE OV THE BILLINGS FAMILEE 180
LVIII.--AMERIKANS 183
LIX.--JOSH CLEANS OUT HIS PIGEON-HOLE OF CORRESPONDENTS 186
LX.--JOSH CHAWS HIS CUD 190
LXI.--MONOGRAFFS 193
LXII.--JOSH TALKS 198
LXIII.--GIMBLETS 203
LXIV.--MORE CORRESPONDENTS 205
LXV.--SOME NATRAL HISTORY 210
LXVI.--SLIVVERS OF THOUGHT 216
LXVII.--THE BUZZERS 219
LXVIII.--MONOGRAFFS 223
LXIX.--PHILOSOPHEE ON THE HALF-SHELL 227
LXX.--JOSH EPISTOLATES 229
LXXI.--ALMINAK FOR 1869 234
LXXII.--SUM NATRAL HISTRY 239
LXXIII.--MONOGRAFFS 242
LXXIV.--JOSH DOES UP HIS CORRESPONDENTS 247
LXXV.--CUPID ON A RAISE 251
LXXVI.--JOSH COMMENCES WITH HIS FRIEND 255
LXXVII.--JAW BONES 259
LXXVIII.--MORE PHILOSOPHY 260
I.
JOSH ON ICE.
Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov
helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a
slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the
fense.
I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov
artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew
order.
Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where
the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes)
hitched the magick iron tew their feet.
It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey--and the wind waz
in the air--and the birds were in the South--and the snow waz on the
ground--and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold--and angells (ov both
genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and
thare a good deal.
It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down
and rool over.
But i kept in, and aked with glory.
Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put
out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most
powerfull scene i ever stood behind.
The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers
in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh
to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.
I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life--on ice.
For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.
I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.
I didn't kno how tew proceed.
Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down
the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with
her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and
waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with
gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went
with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and
tapring ankle.
Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's space,
her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase;
and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.
I had saw enuff--more happyness than belonged tew me--and az i sloly
wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt--good.
II.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY.
Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history.
It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath are built out ov
it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's
right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump.
The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the
language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov
the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail.
Natral history iz dogg cheap.
To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital
necessary for the naturalizing bizzness.
Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices
upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes?
This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted
grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger, and the elastick flea.
The Bible sez, "The grasshopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible
tew say anything that warnt so.
When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little
while thare gits tew be plenty ov them.
They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin.
Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can
make sum good time.
They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than
others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick
another grasshopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint.
When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and
then they bekum a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az
barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day.
Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness,
but they may be; we don't even know what we want most.
I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a
blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the grass and
cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would
bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and
wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked.
But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the grasshops.
* * * * *
I never see ennybody yet but what despised _Bed Bugs_. They are the
meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.
They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw
him while he iz fast asleep.
A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a
chance tew knock in hiz sides--the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a
dash at you even in Broadway--but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits
till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.
If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a
bed bugg right tew hiz face.
Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a _small_ way; one pair ov them will
stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small
family a whole year.
It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way
tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and
then heave it away and buy a new one.
Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size
ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out
to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru
garroting they are swelled up like a blister.
It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.
If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but
it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az
slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.
If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong
road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long,
and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.
If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them
folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the
hereticks.
* * * * *
The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the
_Flea_.
They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new
shot.
They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than
enny ov the bug-brutes.
They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea
will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az
freckled az the meazels.
It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware,
and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul
kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't
thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being
entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.
I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one
year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America,
unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg
gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.
They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash
them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a
smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.
Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a
pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place.
If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if
you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.
Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.
III.
LIVE YANKEES.
Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize
and curiosty.
In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched
countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step:
thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful;
slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay.
In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them
wherever they go.
The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy
words foreshadder a proffit.
They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the
histry ov their invenshuns.
The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov
change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on
the trak.
He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows
sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a
steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry
waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill.
He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the
stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a
proffit.
He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk
with the proprierty ov tunneling it.
He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the
oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy
memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and
maiks a happy bargin.
You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks
in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov
Mahomet.
Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting
limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past
eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either
vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop.
Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew
save them by the job.
He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu
England kan whip the universe.
If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters,
Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them.
If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs,
Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening.
If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan
turns in the water power ov Niagara.
In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this
progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent
right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant
"Heow air yer?"
If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a
dicker with Jonathan.
Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a
golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor
iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin.
Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for
the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are
cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys
ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a
creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre.
IV.
LINCH-PINS.
I want to bet 3 Dollars, that no man ever matched himself agin the
Devil, but what he got beat.
And I want to bet one dollar and seventy-five cents more, that thare is
no villin on airth so grately mean az he who reccommends a vice that he
has too mutch prudence to indulge in himself.
I hav held, that if a man iz virtuous, he kan't be ignorant; and i
still hold it.
Aim hi, if you strike low. The man who undertakes tew jump 375 feet
ahed, will sertinly make a good try.
I never knu a man who was alwus anxious tew repent uv his sins before
he had committed them, who didn't want the sharpest kind ov watching.
"Don't put oph till to-morrow what kan be did to-day." It is better
even to do a foolish thing at onst, if you have positiffly made up yure
mind to do it.
I never bet enny stamps on the man who iz always telling what he would
have did if he had bin _thare_; I hav notised that this kind never git
_thare_.
Faith don't appear to me tew be ennything more than tip top good sense;
all the faith thare is in this world now wont keep a man from falling
to the bottom of a well if he lets go ov the curb to spit on hiz hands.
When i git to not having enny good luck, it duz seem to me that i kan
hav more ov it than enny man i ever knu, and not half try; i suppose it
seems jist so to you, my friend, don't it?
I kant think ov enny talent now, that iz so apt to descend from father
to son, untarnished, as the gift ov exaggeration.
"Thare aint ennything nu under the sun." The old feller in Connekticut,
who carried the same old jack-knife for 43 years, and wore out 9 new
handles, and 12 setts ov blades, sez so.
Thare aint, after all, but one right way to dew things. I hav seen kows
that you could milk on both sides, but they wan't more than haff broke.
A man may hav a perfek right to be born single, but I dought whether he
haz a right tew continny on so.
I take it, that the excellence of human natur consists in lifting the
greatest amount ov sorrow with the least amount ov grin.
Them who make the most blow, hav the least fragranse--it iz jess so
with the hollerhauk.
The best edukashun a man receives in this life, he gits just before he
dize, and it mostly consists in forgetting what he haz larnt before.
The world looks with kold respek upon an ackt ov justiss, but heave up
their hats at a display ov mersy. Yet the one iz the strength ov
virtue, while the other iz most often its gratest weakness.
A mind that haz more imaginashun than sense iz like a goose--fust rate
tew fli down hill.
I don't think the world haz enny Civilizashun tew spare, but i think
she haz more than she kan manage well.
Poetri, tew be excellent, wants tew be like natur, but about 4 times az
big.
V.
GOOSE TALK.
The goose is a grass-animal but don't chaw her cud.
They are good livers; about one aker to a goose iz enuff, altho there
iz sum folks who thinks one goose tew 175 akers, is nearer right.
These two calculations are so fur apart, it iz difficult tew tell now,
which will finally win.
But i don't think, if i had a farm ov 175 akers, awl paid for, that i
would sell it for half what it was worth, just bekauze it didn't hav
but one goose on it. Geese stay well; sum ov our best biographers say,
70 years, and grow tuff tew the last.
They lay one egg at once, about the size of a goose egg, in which the
gosling lies hidd.
The gosling iz the goose's babe.
The goose don't suckle hiz young, but turns him out tew pasture on
sumboddy's vacant lot.
They seem tew lack wisdum, but are considered generally sound on the
goose.
They are good eating, but not good chawing; the reason ov this remains
a profound sekret to this day.
When the femail goose iz at work hatching, she iz a hard bird tew
pleaze; she riles clear up from the bottom in a minnit, and will fight
a yoke ov oxen, if they show her the least bit ov sass. The geese iz
excellent for feathers, which she sheds every year by the handful.
They are also amphibicuss, besides several other kinds ov cuss.
But they are mostly cureiss about one thing: they kan haul one leg up
into their body, and stand on tuther, awl day, and not tutch ennything
with their hands.
I take notis, thare ain't but darn few men kan dew this.
VI.
JOSH BILLINGS:
HIZ SHADE TREE.
Sum fu years ago, when i want so old nor near so hansum az i am now, i
waz a feller citizen in one ov the sudden towns, which during the past
25 years, hav fairly sprung up, az it were, by necromancy, in the
western country. At that time I waz verry ritch and owned a house, and
lot. At one corner, on mi lot, stood, or rather leaned, a tree, az
awkward az a shanghi rusetor; it bent at least 3 different ways, and
its limbs were az sprawling az tho it had bin born in a nort-west
storm. I had sum pride in them days, and longed to put that shade tree
out ov misery.
The tree was a nondescribe, but seemed tew be a mingling ov the silver
popular, which haz sich uneazy leaves, and a species ov soft maple. I
would hav cut it down if mi heart had bin sharp enuff; but altho i hav
lived on the edge ov the wilderness for more than half ov mi life, i
never yet saw a tree fall before the choppers, but a shudder crept out
ov me, it seemed so mutch like a wanton cruelty.
But i had manned mi guns fur one thing, and that waz, the tree had got
tew be trimmed. I had four nabors near at hand; two lived upon the same
side ov the street that I did, and the other two didn't.
They were mi Apollos, and when i wanted enny soothsaying done, i went
tu them.
I will say one thing for these nabors, they waz always willing tew give
_advice_.
Accordingly i asked each one ov them, az opportunity offered, how the
tree should be clipped.
The first one suggested to leave the lower branches intact, and take
oph the head ov the tree, and then it would soon form a cone, compact
and graceful, like an umbreller on duty.
This plan pleased me, bekauze it had bin mi plan.
The next one picked out certain limbs, that positively must cum off.
The third one had hiz noshun, which he knu waz right; and the fourth
one never saw a tree ov that kind trimmed but one way, which he
suggested in sich an unmistakabel manner, that I felt like a pashunt in
the hands ov a root dokter, willing tew take enny thing.
After fully elaborating each one ov the four diagnosiss ov the kase, i
went tew work like a humbel christshun tew carry the whole ov them out.
I had no trouble in doing this. But the tree (the Lord watch over mi
poor shade tree!) was nothing but a gaunt stick about 10 feet hi, too
crooked to fall, not a limb nor a leaf on it, and too frightful even
for a hitching post.
1st Moral--Advice iz good only az corroborating testimony.
2nd Moral--If yu put yureself into the hands ov yure frends, yu must
expekt that the kindness ov their hearts iz no protekshun aginst the
willfullness ov their judgments.
3rd Moral--Advice iz like a doktor's pills: it iz often advisabel tew
_receive_ them without _taking_ them.
4th Moral--One man kan alwus milk a cow better than 4 kan.
VII.
JOSH CORRESPONDS FREELY WITH 3 FELLOWS.
_Shortfellow._--Yure views are correkt; thare iz no telling what hosses
will trot by looking at them. Lady Thorne and Dexter are no more bilt
alike than the Black Crook and Flying Scud. Neither do i think that
pedigree ever makes a hoss fast enny more than it makes a man smart.
Hambletonian and sum ov the kings ov England hav both sired lunkheads.
If a hoss iz made right, he can proceed fast, i don't kare who made
him. Flying Dutchman lived and died, and left a two-mile heat on the
books that haint bin duplikated yet, and about aul that iz known ov him
iz that he waz got in a brickyard in Pensilvany. Tom Thum went the fust
100 miles in 10 hours that waz ever did, and he had no more pedigree
than a prary dorg, or a Digger injun. Who ever heard ov Flory Temple
having enny pedigree?
If she ever gits one, it will be like menny ov the epitaffs we read in
the graveyards--courteous libels.
I hav seen French ponys go on the ice faster than you could telegraff,
bilt like a pumpkin seed, and with a pedigree just about as pure as a
dock rat's.
Still, if you or i should talk these things among the literati ov the
hoss stabel, we should probably git our front teeth knocked out. If i
waz going tew buy a trottin hoss i would't ask about his pedigree enny
more than i would ask who made a mint julep. If the hoss didn't suit
me, i am dredful sertain the pedigree wouldn't. Old Eclipse never waz
beaten in hiz day, and his full brother wasn't fast enuff for a modern
hearse hoss.
_Bigfellow._--Trout fishing iz a good deal like painting picktures--you
have got to be born how; you kant learn how. It don't require the
genius ov a statesman tew know how tew ketch a trout; but the two best
trout fishers I ever knu waz Daniel Webster and old Ishmael. Both were
natiffs ov Nu England; one ov them everyboddy iz proud to remember, and
the other waz a simple old nigger; but i think the old dark waz the
best fisher ov the two.
He would walk up tew a hole in the brook, whare a big trout lay az
careless and yet az still az a hen turkey, and stand thare till the
fish mistook him for the stub ov a tree, then would drop his worm, or
hiz grasshopper, or (if the seazon waz right) would danse hiz flie
above the trout's head so literal that the fish would bite merely from
the force ov habit, whether he waz hungry or not.
This old Afrikan alwus started out for trout just as a dorg duz for
mischief, the other way from whare he waz going, and never cum back
without a trophy. The best kind of a trout pole for brook-fishing grows
along side ov the brook. They are black alder, and have the same kind
ov a taper that a rat tarrier's tale duz. Twelve foot is long enuff for
the pole, and the brook that don't raize them somewhare on its banks iz
not a good trout stream. But thare aint room enuff in a letter for me
tew talk trout. Go with me sumtime next May among the mountains, and i
will show yu how tew win theze little spotted morsels from their wet
and noisy homes. But--though I like company generally--tew be honest
about it, trout fishing iz a good deal like sparking--one feller at a
time iz enuff.
_Littlefellow._--Yu tell me in your letter "that musik iz yure
egstatick bliss; that yure soul iz sot tew musick, and feeds on its
gorgous viands." I am glad tew hear yu say so, for now i know yu won't
never du enny big mischief in this world. Ennyboddy who loves musick az
much az yu say you do, don't want enny other kind ov oats. I am
unfortunate in this direkshun. I don't kno one note from another,
unless it iz a bank-note, and i never had enny ear for musick since i
waz a boy. Once in a while, in them daze, the schoolmarm, in lifting me
up off from the bench by the ears tew see how heavy i waz, would start
the musick out of me. I never tended but one gorgous opera in my life,
and it won't never be convenient for me tew tend another. A forrin
woman sung sum ov the "gorgous viands" yu speak ov. She was very fat
herself, and want very thoroughly drest about the neck and naber hood.
She threw her head back like a sled runner, and yelled az tho she had a
rat on her. I expekted every minnit tew see her arrested for breaking
the piece. I suppose if i had the right kind ov taste for gorgous
vittles, this kind ov musick would eat me good. I heard a milkmaid once
sing, in a cow-yard, as she sot by the side ov a heifer just as the sun
waz setting. It waz a love story song. Perhaps there was no gorge in
it; but there waz sumthing in it that made me feel sorry aul over. This
iz aul i kno about musick. I could listen aul day tew that kind ov soft
sadness she sung about, and feel lonesum and lonesummer aul the time.
VIII.
MONOGRAFFS.
The _Jealous Man_ iz alwus a-hunting.
He is alwus a-hunting for sumthing that he don't expeckt tew find, and
after he haz found it then he iz mad bekauze he haz.
Theze fellers don't beleaf in spooks, and yet they are about the only
folks who ever see enny. A jealous man iz alwus happy, jist in
perposhun az he iz mizerable.
Jelosy iz a disseaze, and it iz a good deal like sea sickness--dreadful
sick, and kan't vomit.
The _Anonymous Man_ boards at a red tavern, and pays for hiz board bi
tending bar occasionly. He hain't got any more karakter than the jack
ov spades haz, when it ain't trumps.
He iz a loafer bi profession, without enny vices.
He rides on the box, once in a while, with the driver, and noboddy
thinks ov asking him for hiz stage fare.
He iz az useless az an extra pump would be in the desert ov Sarah.
He sprung from a respektable family; his great grandfather woz a
justiss ov the peace; but he has not got vanity enuff tew brag on it.
He ain't necessarily a phool, enny more than a bull's eye watch iz; if
enny boddy will wind him up, he will sett still, and run quietly down.
The _Stiff Man_ looks down, when he walks, upon folks. He don't seem
tew hav but one limber jinte in him, and that iz lokated in hiz noze.
He is a kind of maskuline turkey, on parade in a barn-yard.
He iz generally loaded with wisdum clear up tew the muzzell, and when
he goes oph, makes a noize like a cannon, but don't dew enny dammage.
I hav seen him fire into a crowd, and miss evry man.
This kind ov _stiff man_ iz verry handy tew flatter. They seem tew know
they ain't entitled tu a good artikle, and, tharefore, are satisfied
with hard soap.
Thare ain't but fu men who git stiff on what they acktually know, but
most aul ov them git stiff on what they acktually feel.
Stiff men are called aristokrats, but this ain't so. Thare ain't no
such thing as aristokrats in this country.
The country ain't long enuff yet, unless a man haz got sum Indian in
him.
Az a gen'ral thing, stiff men git mad dredful eazy, and have tew git
over it dredful eazy, bekauze folks ain't apt tew git a big skare at
what they ain't afraid ov.
_Stiff man_ had a grandfather once, who went tew Congress from our
distrikt, and thare ain't one in the whole family that hav been able
tew git limber sinse.
The _Model Man_ never disturbs a hen when she iz setting; never speaks
cross tew a lost dogg; always puts a five cent shinplaster in hiz vest
pockett late Saturday night, tew hav it ready Sunday morning for the
church platter; rizes whenever a lady enters the street kars; remembers
your uncle plainly, and asks after all the family. If he steps on a
kat's tail, is sure to do it light, and immegiately asks her pardon;
reads the PHUNNY PHELLOW, and laffs bekause he kan't help it; hooks up
hiz wife's dress, and plays hoss with the children. Never meddles with
the cream on the milk-pans; goes eazily of errands and cums back in
seazon; attends every boddy's phuneral; kan always tell when the moon
changes; thinks just az yu do, or the other way if you want him to;
follows evry boddy's advice but hiz own; praktices most ov the virtews
without knowing it; leads the life ov a shorn lamb; gits sick after a
while, and dies az soon az he kan, tew save making enny further
trubble.
The model man's vices are not feared, nor hiz virtews respekted. He
lives in the memory of the world just about az long az a pleasant day
duz.
He may be called a "clever feller," and that iz only a libel; but he
will git hiz reward herafter--when the birds get theirs.
IX.
HONESTA IZ THE BEST POLISY.
The author ov this proverb waz either a very shrude man, or he
acksidentily spoke what he didn't think.
Honesta iz, in mi opinyun, a mere matter ov polisy.
Man iz, waz, and alwus will be, a dishonest critter by natur.
It iz az natral for him tew steal when he wants tew, az it iz tew blo
hiz noze.
In order tew git sosiety into decent shape, so that the masheen could
be run without a continual bust, it waz absolutely necessary that man
should make himself honest.
If that hadn't hav bin did, it wouldn't hav bin safe tew leave a
saw-mill out of doors after dark. Hence honesta bekum a matter ov
polisy, and it works well.
The fear ov the law here, and the law hereafter, haz furnished us sum
very clever specimens of Christianity.
Serpoze thare waz no law agin 2 wives, how menny men iz thare in yure
naberhood, that wouldn't sustain the law?
I hav thought that aul the virtues, and aul the affekskuns, (except the
few which are instinkts, and which we and the dogs have just about
alike,) are mere opprashuns of polisy.
Ov course the virtews improve by hoeing, and mankind haz bekum better,
just az they hav bekum richer, by keeping their munny and morals at 10
per cent. interest.
Menny folks are down on luxurys, and plum puddin, but i aint; the more
puddin folks hav, the more they will develop.
Stop the hanker in human natur for any more plum puddin, and nu
bonnets, and in about 450 years, men and wimmin would all go tew grass,
az Nebucunesser did.
Once more, honesta and virtew, in the lump, are not natral, but matters
ov polisy; i may be wrong about this, but if i am, enny boddy else kan
git wrong the same way i hav, by asking himself about hiz own human
natur.
Human natur iz the same aul over north amerika, except in those places
whare they subsist by playing poker, and thare it depends a good deal
upon the number of aces in a pack; i hav seen sum packs that had 9 aces
in them, upon the principle that 5 aces will beat 4 aces and a king.
X.
GREAT AGRIKULTURAL HOSS-TROTT.
AT BILLINGSVILLE.
_Oct. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, & 20th._
JOSH BILLINGS, REPORTER.
Agrikultur iz the mother ov provisions; she iz also the grandmother.
If it want for agricultur, thare wouldn't be enny beans, and if it want
for enny beans, thare wouldn't be enny suckertash.
Agrikultur waz fust diskovered by Cain, and has been diskovered since
to be an honest way to get a hard living.
Pumpkins owes aul her success tew agrikultur, so duz lettis, and
bukwheat.
The Billingsville agrikultural society opened Oct. ten, and waz a
powerful success.
The reciepts ov the Agrikultural Fair waz upwards ov $30,000 (if mi
memry serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The Hon. Virgil Bickerstaff, the next agrikultural member ov Congress
from our district, sold the agrikultur pools.
FUST DAY.
A puss ov ten dollars was trotted for by sucking colts, that had never
trotted before for munny.
Thare waz thirteen entries.
Thare waz 60,000 people on the track to witness the rase, (if mi memry
serves me rite, and i think she duz.)
The puss was won amid vociferous exclamashuns by a red colt, and the
waving ov handkerchiefs, with a strip in his face, and the fainting ov
several fust-class females, and one white foot behind.
SEKOND DAY.
It rained like a perpendikular aul day, and no trotting could be had,
so the audience aul went hum, cussing and swaring, and offering tew bet
four tew six on the Pete Tucker colt.
THIRD DAY.
The sun highsted up in the east more butyfuller than i ever saw her
before, (if mi memry serves me rite, and i think she does.)
It waz a fust rate day for agrikultur, or enny other man.
A puss ov 30 dollars waz trotted for, by sum 2 year old colts.
This rase did not attract much affection, on account ov the time being
so slow.
Time, 2 minnits and 38 seconds.
FOURTH DAY.
This waz fur 3 or 4 years old, who hadn't never beat 2.25.
Thare waz 26 entrys; they couldn't aul trot tew once, so they took
turns.
This rase waz won after a bitter contest, by Pete Tucker's colt.
He waz immediately offered a thousand dollars and a fust-rate farm,
well-stocked, for the colt, by three different agrikultural men, but
with a grate deal ov indignant good sense, he skorned to stoop so low.
Pete Tucker, and his whole family, are aul hoss.
FIFTH DAY.
It rained agin like thunder and lightning, and the day waz spent in
betting on the weight ov hosses.
Sevral good hoss-swops waz also did.
One man swopped two hosses fur one; this struck me as a devilish good
thing, but everyboddy else said it waz soft.
At the end ov the fifth day i cum away.
I got so full ov hoss, that ever since when i laff i kant keep from
whinnering.
The fare waz kept up for 10 daze, and sum red hot time waz made.
I think 2 minnits and 10 sekunds waz made, (if my memry serves me rite,
and i think she duz.)
I forgot tew say that thare was two yoke ov oxens on the ground, beside
sevral yokes ov sheep and a pile ov carrots, and some worsted work, but
they didn't seem to attrakt enny simpathy.
The people hanker fur pure agrikultural hoss-trots.
XI.
JOSH BILLINGS DEFINES HIS POSITION.
DEAR WORLD:--
I got yure letter by acksident, and reply verry mutch az follers:
I am a black Republican, with white antycedents.
I alwus waz agin slavery ov enny kind; not bekause it was
constitutional, but bekause it waz ungodly.
I don't beleave the best judges ov color kan pick out a negro's soul in
the Kingdom ov Heaven.
I believe in the doktrine ov secession--if i don't like my home, and am
21, i have a rite tew go oph, but i haint got enny rite tew take the
old man's farm or hiz tin-ware with me.
I am in favor ov being made Post-master in our city, but i am about the
only man that iz, which speaks well for the disinterestedness ov our
citizens.
I am also in favor ov short stories, when a man haint got mutch tew
say.
Yours, tenderly,
JOSH BILLINGS.
XII.
COLD PIECES.
It don't appear tew me that envy kan pay well, for those whom we envy
most are alwus envying somebody else.
Hope often cheats us, but yet how eazy it is tew forgiv the sassy jade.
Men ov talents kan be criticised, but a genius kant,--criticism is a
mere string and plummet,--the eagle roosts too hi for tape lines.
Mi idee ov fust-rate poetry iz that kind that reads just exactly az I
should have wrote it.
Yu kant phool a wise man with praise that aint true.
Persekution will make even kanada thissells grow.
If you trade with a Yankee, steal hiz jack-knife fust; for if he gits
tew whitling, yu are gone in spite of thunder.
Passion makes more mistakes than ignorance duz.
Fools don't kno their strength; if they did, they would keep still.
Buty iz a dangerous gift; for it is seldum accompanied with much
virtue, energy, or wisdum.
Most ennyboddy kan slide down hill: thare iz only now and then one who
can slide up hill.
A man may be a very good judge ov a county court, and yet be a very
poor judge ov himself.
What a cumfort it iz tew be pittyed by a 200-thousand-dollar friend!
tew be told that better daze are coming! that perseverance will overkum
all obstakles! such a warm friend iz just about az much use to you az a
painted sun, on a garden wall, would be to ripen sass with, in a cloudy
day.
One ov mi ideas ov a perfect gentleman iz, the man who is eazy to
please.
I kno ov no love, that is so much love, and nothing else, az the love
ov a father for a daughter.
I love the old primeval forests. I love them bekause they kant be cut
up tew enny advantage into village lots.
I hav got a dreadful poor memory, and think I aint sorry for it, for mi
experiences in life, thus far have 2 thirds ov them been more pleasant
tew forgit than tew remember.
Tru happiness seems tew consist in wanting awl that we kan enjoy, and
then gitting awl we want.
I don't belief in total abstinence, enny more than I belief in total
blindness, but I do belief in the reasonable gratification ov awl the
desires that God haz given us.
Politeness iz dreadful simple if yu take the ceremony out ov it, but,
in sifting out the ceremony, yu will often sift out the politeness.
The most selfish persons I hav ever known hav been those who are alwus
professing grate luv for others.
Prudery iz virtue, always willing to be tempted.
Thare iz nothing that will hu a man tew a sharp point like
adversity,--adversity iz the hunger ov the soul.
Gold iz the standard ov value, but wisdum iz the standard ov
perfekshun; united, they are the standard-bearers ov the world.
XIII.
LETTER FROM JOSH BILLINGS.
MY DEAR PRESS:
Yu ask me "how i like the lekturing bizzness," and "what success i hav
met with," and "what iz the tru natur ov the lektur i hav bin
dispensing?"
Briefly thus i reply:
Two years ago I jined the band ov lekturin marters, and hav
"tramp'd--tramp'd!" ever sinse, and az near az i kan rekolekt now, i
think i kant tell.
Mi lektur iz an attempt tew be comick.
Humor iz hybrid, and iz a nice cross between sense and nonsense.
I don't think it haz ever bin well defined: it iz like the smell ov a
flower, hard tew diskribe.
Thare iz just about az mutch real humor in the best ov geniuses az
thare iz juise in a lemmon: one good squeeze takes it out, and thare iz
nothing but seeds and skin left.
It soon bekums hackney'd, and its authors live prekariously for about 3
years on the fust 6 months ov their reputashun, and then go in their
holes and only cum out onst in a while to sun themselfs and be stupid.
I hav known men tew tell 4 good storys, and then spile them awl bi
telling one poor one.
Thare iz nothing the world iz so slow to applaud az success, and
nothing they are so smart at diskovering az a failure.
Mutch ov a humorist's success depends upon the physick ov hiz aujence:
a man who haz the dispepshee fust rate laffs under protest, but if hiz
dinner rides easy you kan tickle him with a skoop-shovel.
Humor sometimes lurks in the way a thing iz ced, and i hav seen men who
earned their fun in the wrinkles ov their face.
Nonsense ain't humor, it iz only a jest.
Humor must hav sum truth in it, and a good deal don't hurt it.
I have seen a fust rait story spilte in being told, and i hav seen a
poor story so well told, that if the man had applied for it he could
hav had it pattented and no questions asked.
If an aujence refuse tew be tickled, yu might az well talk tew a
grave-yard in the ded ov winter; but if yu git them onst mellow yu kan
then stick yure thum into them anywhare.
But mi opinyun now iz that thare ain't no rule for success with a
comick lektur.
A cold-blooded philosphick lektur is just az eazy az turning a
grinstone: the aujence are obliged tew hold their hatchets on, and they
are sure tew git ground out after a while: but you kant tell a man when
tew laff; he knows what pleazes him, just az well az he knows what eats
good; yu kant play a burnt slapjack, nor one that ain't well dun, onto
him.
Thar ain't nothing more straining tew a humorist than tew have tew stop
and explane a joke.
I hav just got hum from Boston: i put 2 spokes into the hub at Tremont
Temple the two fust nights in Febuary: I lektured 15 nights in
Massachewsetts.
I don't kno whether it waz a success or not: awl i kno iz i felt good
myself.
Humurous lekturs, without the aid ov canvass or pantomime, are tuff tew
do.
I think now i shall either git up a philosophicall lektur on the culler
ov the Red Sea, or the hump ov the cammel's back, or quit lekturing.
I kan steal a good philosophicall lektur out ov sum library; but these
cussed humurous lekturs hav so mutch original in them (or ought to hav)
that yu kant kalkulate on them for certain--they are like twins, they
kant be had nor they kant be stopped.
Upon the whole, az near az i kan guess, mi opinyun iz that humor iz a
natral dissease, that a man kant ketch nor kant giv tew ennyboddy else.
XIV.
WISDUM CHUNCKS.
The best time ov the moon to plant beans iz when--the grownd iz aul
rite.
Slovens are always the fust tew caul our attenshun tew their
slovenness, by their exkewses for it.
Don't tawk so mutch, my friend! Yu don't kno but little, and ort tew be
saving ov it.
Book critiks shood be treeted az the farmers do their swine--rung, and
then turned out to critysize.
The man with little branes, and the man with little ammunishun, shood
hunt alike; they shood take ame a good while, and then always shut,
into a flock. Avoyd single burds.
Deer reeder, don't find fawlt with an awthur who makes yu laff; it is
no more an evidence of weekness to laff than it iz ov strength tew look
mad.
Menny ov the enormittys ov life have bin committed in the name ov
religun--enormittys that make h--l blossom like the rose.
Bewty never dies; it iz like truth; they both hav an immortality
sumwhare.
I hav got a fust rate opinyun ov resignashun, but i don't think enny
man iz in dewty bound to thank the Lord every time sum careless cuss
steps on hiz soar tow.
We hear a grate deel about progresshun, and the importunse ov it, but i
am just big phool enuff to think that 8 or 10 ov the new things are
either false, or are old things spiled bi altering.
What mankind stand most in need ov, just now, is simplissity.
Men judge each other bi their suksess, not bi their undertakings; but
the Lord judges bi the undertaking, not bi the suksess.
Thare iz a grate deel more timidity among men than thare iz temerity;
one iz the attribute ov littleness, and the other ov grateness.
The best kind ov purfewm for the person, that i know ov, iz cleenness.
Truth iz radicul; fickshun iz consurvativ.
What a man must hav, he kan most ginnerally git.
Thare iz no such thing az clozing our ize to the fakt that tilting
skirts enable us to see a good deel more ov fashunable sosiety.
Sudden ritches don't often improve ennybody.
Vertchew walks without help, but vice goes on crutches.
Thare iz one advantage in being poor: thare ain't no danger ov
mistaking flattery for praze.
Bobtaled peekox don't travel mutch on their pride.
Take the axidents out ov this life, and how menny men iz thare who wood
sukseed or fale?
Friendship iz a mirror which we hold up tew uthers, tew see ourselfs
in.
Deep thinkers laff with their mowth.
A man iz a phool just in proporshun az he iz known better bi sumboddy
else than he knows himself.
Novelty iz a good deel like a kitten's tale, soon played out.
The world owes most ov its refinement tu 2 verry difrunt things--the
Bible, and the looking-glass.
Trew critysism consists in giving a man credit for the good things he
sez, and not cussin him for the good things he don't say.
XV.
BILLIARDS.
Evryboddy seems tew be gitting crazy over a new game, which haz jist
bin diskovered, called billyards.
It iz played on the top ov a tabel which iz a little longer than it iz
square, and the game seems tew konsist in pushing sum round red bawls
agin sum round white bawls, until they drop into sum little pudding
bags which are hung unto the outside ov the tabel.
It takes 2 men tew play the game, but 4 or 5 can look on.
They take oph their coats, and stand clus up to the tabel, with a short
piece ov a fishpole in their hands, which has a chalk mark onto the end
ov it.
Then one begins, by giving one ov the bawls a punch in the belly, which
sends it agin the next one's belly, and so on, till the other fellow's
turn fur punching comes on.
But yu ought tew see the game; it kant be delineated bi words.
One feller generally beats the other feller, and then he pays the
landlord ov the consarn 25 cents fur the privilege ov gitting beat, and
buys sum gin, with lemonade in it, and aul hands drink.
Then 2 more takes holt ov the fishpoles, and they punch fur a spell,
and so it goes on till 2 o'clock in the morning; then each goes hum,
having enjoyed fine exercise, a little drunk perhaps; but the muscles
in their breast are so expanded that they can't ketch the consumption
nor the smaul pox.
_This iz billyards._
XVI.
JOSH BILLINGS "RIZES."
GENTLEMEN AND MISTER CHAIRMAN:--
I rise with grate diffidence fur the fust time in mi life, tew address
an impromptew assemblage. What i can say iz instant, and i kant alter
it; i kant sit doun, or stand up, and studdy a thing out, enny more
than i kan sit doun and think how tew lift a ton. We have met here just
fur fun; and i beleaf that aul things, including truth, hav a fun
redikilous side tew them, and i fully beleaf, that while Satan, with
consumate skill, fills hiz ranks bi the arts ov seduction, virtue
should resort tew the same means. I beleaf in sugar-coated pills, and i
beleaf that virtue and wisdom kan be smuggled into a man's soul bi a
good natured proverb, better and deeper than to be morticed into it
with a wormwood mallet and chisel. We hav met tew celebrate the
birth-day ov a Sunday newspaper; the child iz a year old and iz growing
nicely. Sum people doubt the propriety ov Sunday newspapers; they seem
tew think that the Sabbath waz made only fur the acts ov sectarian
worship, but i beleaf that religion was never designed az a bizness,
but only tew regulate and correct bizzness with,--I should az soon
think ov tunelling Hoosick Mounting bi prayer,--when a people devote
aul their time tew religion, superstition and bigotry are sure tew
prevale.
[Illustration: Josh Billings makes a few miscellaneous remarks about
"virtew and wisdom," before a literary association of the citizens of a
neighboring town.--_See page 60._]
Man iz the only thing created with power tew laff; birds and flowers
can almost dew it, and dogs would like tew. Mules smile with their
heels.
Fun waz made fur the million, ethicks fur the few, and the man who kan
invent a generous and healthy sauce tew enliven a dish ov biled greens
with, iz a Christian. Fun may never have furnished a splendid dinner,
but it has helped swaller menny a poor one.
"Six days shalt thou laber, and on the seventh rest,"--thare iz no
laber in fun, and a Sunday newspaper does aul its work on Saturday.
I had rather tend one wedding than a dozen funerals; and a birth, even
if it aint ennything more than the hatching ov a duck's eg, iz alwus
another suckcess.
Life iz short, and that iz one grate reason whi it ought alwus tew be
cheerful, and i fully beleaf, that when Gabrel blows hiz horn, the
first ones that will rise, will ware a smile on their faces.
Judas betrayed with a laff, and a kiss, but the fun ov the thing waz,
he went oph and hung hisself.
He that kant laff iz tew be pityed, and him that wont laff iz tew be
feared.
I am clean thru. This iz my maiden speech, and i will bet 10 dollars
that i won't never run the risk ov doing it agin. Adew.
XVII.
BILLINGS ON PILLS.
P'OKEEPSIE, Jan. 1st, 1867.
DEAR DOKTER BONESETT:
Thru the politeness ov Mr. John Smith, i cum in possession ov yure
valuabel letter, at about 9 o'clock night before last, in which yu
offer me 10 dollars for a poultiss.
I hay had a fair chance to use yure pills upon several important
occasions, and can sware posatively that they kan beat enny pills ov
their size i ever contended with.
Underneath this letter yu will find a poultiss which i think will draw.
If yu see fit to use it, yu kan emit the 10 dollars by mail, at our
risk.
In the mean time, bet freely than i am yure humble servant,
JOSH BILLINGS.
* * * * *
POULTISS.
Barnabass Bonesett, M.D., (mutch dokter,) chuck full ov faith, bloze
his horn, and bi these presents duz blo hiz horn about hiz "Lightning
Express and Serio-Sensation pills" a cumfert and a joy to man.