sport too with those of the Mind. Providence for wise Reasons does not
give to all alike; are we therefore to hold another in contempt for not
knowing so much as ourselves? Are we to laugh at a Man for not knowing
what he has had no opportunity to learn? no surely. A Neglect to improve,
and the Abuse of natural Talents, are the only things that deserve the
Scourge; and even here it often happens, that he who exercises the Rod,
deserves it more than he who feels it. Such however is the Partiality,
such the false Practice of Mankind. Can Parents then be too careful to
obviate these Errors in their Children? Can they take too much Pains to
imprint on their Souls the Meanness and Folly of such Mistakes? surely
they cannot.
Another Caution equally necessary is, that Parents utterly avoid all
Distinction of Favourites among their Children. Sometimes the Father
has his Darling, and the Mother her’s; sometimes they both doat on the
same Child, and neglect the rest. Again, it is frequently observed, that
Mothers are extravagantly fond of the Boys, and either treat the Girls
with a visible Indifference, or grossly neglect them, they know not
why. It is true indeed that it may, and sometimes does happen, that one
Child in a Family is superior in Parts to the rest, or is particularly
engaging, and may be said to merit that partial Distinction Parents
make; but to shew that Reason is not always their Guide, I appeal to
general Observation, whether it does not often happen, that the greatest
Favourite is the greatest Booby? Yet allowing that a Lady loves her Son
best, because he is really a smart Fellow; it is possible those very
Qualifications she so much admires, and which attract her to him to the
Prejudice of the other Children, are the things she ought to be most
displeased with; things, which if sounded to the Bottom, would often
prove Vice or Folly. But supposing that the favourite Son is really
what he appears, more amiable than the Girls; may not this be owing to
Accident or Design? May it not be the Effects of superior Education, or
a greater Knowledge of Men and Manners? most certainly. All young People
are, what they are, in proportion to the Opportunities they have had of
acquiring Knowledge, or the Use they have made of them; so shut them
out from Opportunities, and they can never improve; because they are
deprived of the Means: thus it often happens in Families; the Boys are in
the World, and gain a Knowledge of good Behaviour; the Girls are coop’d
up, and Mamma wonders at their Ignorance! But what farther increases
a Mother’s Surprize is, that she does not find her Girls improve in
proportion to the Opinion she entertains of her own Abilities: now
allowing, what cannot be generally true, that she has all that a Woman
can be possessed of, if they are confined to the Company of her chiefly,
their Knowledge of the World will be very scanty. To be acquainted with
the World, we must see it; to know Mankind, we must know their Faces, and
mark their Deportment; and from seeing a Variety of Manners, must come
the Power of polishing our own.
I say not this as an Intimation to Parents, that they ought to throw
their Children wild and untaught into the World, far from it; on the
contrary, I am convinced how much they want to be fortified against it’s
Snares; and how nicely they ought to be conducted: but with reference to
the Matter in hand, I would fain make Parents sensible how irregular,
nay how unjust their Partiality usually is; particularly in banishing
Children from their Affections for not knowing what they have had no
Opportunity to learn. If then Parents really intend the Good of their
Children, they must with the utmost Resolution throw off all Partiality;
if not, ’tis more than probable it may greatly injure, or even undo,
a whole Family. The Darling is liable to be ruined thro’ Indulgence;
the rest, thro’ Neglect and Ignorance. Children, by this unequal
Treatment, conceive a Hatred to one another, and often to the Parents
themselves, which perhaps lasts as long as their Lives. But besides
that, this injurious Treatment debases their Minds, it is productive
of many dreadful Evils; for hence proceed, not only inveterate Malice,
but Confusion, Law-suits and Poverty; and hence too proceed rash,
precipitate, and disgraceful Marriages; with many other Calamities, which
it would require a Volume to enumerate.
Parents should by all Means consider, that every Child is equally the
Object of their Love and Care; and, by the Right of Nature, equally
demands their Protection. The Laws indeed, for the Support of Families
and Dignity, have, in some Cases, made an Inequality in the Distribution
of Fortune, which must be submitted to: still that does not take off from
the Obligation of Parents, nor justify a blind or whimsical Partiality.
There is no Topic I would more enforce than this, yet none more difficult
to prescribe Rules for. It is certain, that rewarding the good, and
punishing the bad, is both a Virtue, and a Duty; yet at the same time
that I acknowledge how much the good Child deserves, I cannot resolve to
abandon the bad: the Voice of Nature and Reason cry out loudly against
it. I will for once suppose Parents entirely divested of Partiality, and
that the Difference is really in the Children, and not in themselves. Are
they sure there are no Faults in their Education? Are they conscious that
they have not exposed them to be corrupted by others, tho’ they have not
done it themselves? Are they convinced those Acts of Disobedience which
their Children commit are the Effects of Malice prepense? or may they
not be rather the Sallies of thoughtless, giddy Youth? All these things
Parents must nicely weigh, before they carry their Resentment against a
Child to Extremes. Let Parents reflect, that a Boy whom they cannot now
controul, and whom perhaps they are going to expose to the capricious
Fury of the Seas, and deliver up to an Academy of Vice and Profaneness
in order to reform him, may be much sooner reclaimed by proper Pains and
Remonstrances, than by throwing him into the Jaws of Licentiousness: for
how often do we see a disorderly Youth, touched, by a Parent’s well-timed
Clemency, with a Sense of his Mistakes; and when the native Fire of his
Youth is abated, become truly wise and good; a Pattern of Virtue, and
an Honour to the Age he lives in? Can Parents reflect on this, and not
resolve to try every Expedient before that of disinheriting a Child,
abandoning him to Misery and Want, or giving him up to that Nursery of
Immorality, the Sea? My serious Advice in this Point is, that Parents
be not hasty in driving things to Extremities. Let them with unwearied
Patience try every gentle Means in their Power; and certainly by such
Methods they will have the fairest Chance to succeed. For if Children
see their Parents constantly aiming at their general Good; if they find
them hold the Scale of Justice with an equal Hand; and experience their
Affection and Tenderness to be void of Partiality, even after repeated
Provocations; if, I say, they once become so happy as to reflect on
these Circumstances in their true Light, (as sooner or later undoubtedly
they will) I cannot but hope the most abandoned will be reclaimed, and
the hardest Heart softened into Tenderness, Respect and Duty. But here
lies our common Error; we grow impatient at a Child’s Disobedience and
Untowardness, and without striking at the Root of his Vices, without
levelling at, and removing the Cause, we dwell on the Effects; his
Follies give us Pain, and we do not try so much to cure him, as to ease
ourselves; and therefore rashly remove him from our Sight by sending him
to Sea: in my Opinion, the last Place in the Universe to make a bad Boy a
good one. I heard a Story some Years ago of a rich Citizen of _London_,
which deserves to be remember’d with Honour. He had a Son, some Years
past a Boy, addicted to every Extravagance, and who had almost worn out
the Father’s Patience and Indulgence by repeated Abuses of them, and by
continual Cravings. The Father at length consulted a Friend, in order,
if possible, to devise a Remedy: when he had poured out his Soul in
Grief, and shewn that his Kindness had been almost boundless; the Friend
replied, I have, Sir, a Remedy to propose, that I think deserves the
Experiment. The World calls you a hundred thousand Pound Man; but tho’
that may not be strictly true, yet from my own Knowledge you are very
rich: throw at once ten thousand Pounds into your Son’s Hands; that Sum
cannot ruin you, and it is possible it may save him. The good old Man,
with Heart full of Desire to do whatever might convince his Son how much
he wish’d his Happiness, very readily came into the Proposal: he sent
for him accordingly, and thus addressed him. “You know, my Son, how dear
I have always held you; you know how much I have desired your Happiness
and Prosperity, by the Pains I have taken to promote them; but you do
not consider how much you have abused my Indulgence: your boundless Love
of expensive Pleasures has so far blinded you, that you neither see my
Kindness, nor your own Folly. But here, take the utmost Proof of an
afflicted Father’s Fondness; take this ten thousand Pound, and husband
it as you please. If you use it well, it will not be the last Favour
you may hope from my Tenderness: but if you persist in the Abuse of my
Bounty, ’tis the sole Proof of it you must ever expect.” The Son, struck
with Amazement at so much Goodness, and touched with a deep Sense of his
former Ingratitude, from that Hour became all he ought to be, and all his
Father’s Heart could wish. This genuine Relation may in great Measure
serve as a Guide to Parents. It is true every one has not ten thousand
pound to give; but there are ten thousand Parents who may, by exerting
their several Capacities according to their Station, preserve their
Children from the Ruin they are threaten’d with: and thus turn them from
Objects of Vexation and Grief, into Instruments of Joy and Happiness.
At the same time that the Authority of Parents is to be maintain’d
above every other Consideration, Children should be taught to love them
to a superlative Degree. This Love in Children to their Parents, will
naturally make them fly to them on every Emergence; and thus Obedience
will become a Pleasure: whereas if they are kept at a Distance by an
austere Behaviour, or are treated in a cold, lifeless, insipid Manner,
they will be apt to doubt of their Parents Affection, and be induced
to seek Comfort from others: and then no wonder if they fly to Aunts
and Cousins, when even the Servants, from the Stable to the Kitchen,
will have Power to engage their tender Hearts, and rob Parents of that
superior Affection they ought so jealously to engross to themselves.
Nothing requires more the Parents Attention, than the preserving that
golden Rule, a Medium in their whole Conduct to their Children; therefore
while they are careful not to spoil them by too much Indulgence, they
should at the same time study to win their Hearts.
Parents should be particularly careful not to dispirit their Children;
which undoubtedly will have a bad Influence on their whole future
Conduct. There is a Degree of Courage to be maintained that is not only
graceful, but absolutely necessary to carry us thro’ Life, which Parents
therefore must not destroy. Some of my Readers may perhaps think, that
while I am enforcing Obedience, I am myself undermining Courage; but
let me ask them whether a Soldier loses his Courage by being under
Discipline? by no Means. On the contrary, a Consciousness of the
Regularity of his Exercise, and of his Skill in the Use of Arms, always
animates him in time of Danger: thus Children kept in Decorum, and under
a Habit of doing right, will have far less Fear than those who are acting
as their Passions lead them: unless indeed they are quite abandoned.
Courage discovers itself by a Command of Countenance, a dauntless
Air and Behaviour, join’d with such a Degree of Respect, Duty, and
Self-knowledge, as shews it to be free from Impudence and Self-conceit:
it is a Firmness of Spirit that enables us to encounter every Danger when
necessary; and to demean ourselves in a proper Manner under Trouble,
Pain, and Disappointment. But here Parents must be very careful to
distinguish false Courage from true, imaginary Evils from real: let
there be no trembling about Hobgoblins, or dark Holes; no Stories of
Apparitions to raise Terror in the tender Minds of Children: Parents
should never mention these things to them, nor, if possible, suffer any
body else to do it; unless it be to laugh at, and expose the Folly of
them.
Nothing can be a greater Weakness than the creating or cherishing
these Fears in Children: nay how senseless a thing is it to make them
afraid of a dark Room, a Chimney-sweeper, or whatever else can impress
a groundless or an unjust Fear on them; for more or less they feel it
their whole Lives, and by that Means are oftentimes made very miserable.
Children, as soon as they can distinguish, should be taught to look, and
move, and speak with Courage; and, as they grow up, they should be put
frequently in the Way of exercising it, whereby many natural or acquired
Weaknesses will be conquered: such as, a Fear of the Water, Riding, and
innumerable other things, which Parents should by every Means endeavour
to prevent or remove: taking along with them this Caution, not to treat
those Children whose Spirits are naturally weak, with the same Freedom
they do the more robust; nor ever rashly expose them to real or imminent
Dangers.
There is another Species of Fear, so far removed from Virtue and good
Sense, that Parents cannot do too much to banish it from their Children’s
Minds; I mean that which is the Offspring of Superstition. What Pity is
it that this heathenish Principle should ever find a Place in a Christian
Breast: that People who are taught to rely on Providence alone, and
who know that Happiness is the infallible Reward of a virtuous Life,
should nevertheless desert that Providence, and turn their Backs on the
Comforts and Advantages annexed to it, to run in Search of Misery. Fear
is natural to the Soul of Man; but it is Reason only that can fix it’s
just Bounds. If I have a Child in the _Indies_, and dream he is dead, am
I to be miserable till a Letter from him convinces me of my Folly? If I
am about engaging in an Affair, of itself not only innocent but laudable,
am I to put it off because it is an unlucky Day? or because a senseless,
withered Hag shakes her Head over a Dish of Coffee-grounds, am I to fear
that Destruction is coming upon me? No, no; all these are Instruments
of Misery, which nobody must meddle with who claims being a rational
Creature. Superstition and Happiness are incompatible, as every Day’s
Experience proves. Parents then, effectually to avoid these Evils, must
teach their Children a just Abhorrence of Superstition; they must teach
them too, that the only Fear consistent with a Reliance on Providence,
and consistent with Virtue and good Sense, is the Fear of doing wrong;
that is, of being vicious.
The general Indulgence of Parents to their Children in gratifying their
unreasonable Humours, is no small Obstacle to their Happiness; but that
is not all, it disturbs the Oeconomy of the Family, and every Day,
perhaps every Hour, throws the House into Disorder; and thus turns
that into Slavery and Vexation, which Providence designed as a Comfort
and a Blessing. There is a well known pleasant Story which seems not
unsuitable here: A Lady gave her Daughter, about three Years old, to
the Care of a Nursery-maid, with positive Orders that Miss should never
be suffered to cry; Whatever she wants, says the Lady, be sure let
her have it; I will not have her cry. The Maid soon grew weary of her
little Tyrant, and archly resolved on a Method to convince Mamma of
her Mistake. Accordingly, one fine Evening, the Girl put Miss into a
Window; See, my Dear, says she, see that pretty Moon; shall I give you
that pretty Moon to play with? In a short time she work’d up the Child’s
Fancy so strongly, that nothing would quiet her but the Moon. At length
Mamma (upon hearing her Child cry) in great Rage entered the Room; How
dare you, says she, let my Child cry? Madam, replied the Maid, Miss
wants—Don’t tell me she wants; she shall want nothing she has a Mind
to have. Madam, repeats the Maid, (as soon as she could be heard) Miss
wants the Moon; and your Ladyship knows I can’t give it her. The Lady was
struck dumb; Miss still cried vehemently, and nothing could quiet her,
but a severe Whipping from Mamma’s own Hands.
There are but two Ways of subduing the Passions, _viz._ Force and Reason;
but there are a thousand Ways, and those daily used, to inflame and
strengthen them. When a Child is accustomed to have all it asks for,
it soon becomes unreasonable in its Demands; and in the End expects
Impossibilities. Now which is most eligible, to keep the Passions
regulated, and prevent their making great Resistance; or to suffer them
to rise to such a Height, that all our After-care will not be sufficient
to check them? Parents then should by all Means accustom themselves
to deny their Children some things, even such as are innocent and
reasonable; not indeed to gratify a cruel Pleasure, for that they should
abhor, but to familiarize them to Disappointments, that they may brook
them the better. Besides, by this Method, every Grant from the Parents
will be esteemed a Favour, and received with Gratitude and Alacrity;
whereas the granting every thing they ask, destroys the very Life and
Spirit of Compliance, and it ceases to be a Favour. A little Judgment
and Experience will shew Parents how to vary these Grants and Denials,
if they do but attend to them; and if Children are under any Degree of
Regulation, nothing is more easy.
Yet this by no means implies that Children are not sometimes to have what
they like; far from it: but the Regulation I have been speaking of makes
their own Lives comfortable and easy; and at the same time furnishes
Parents with frequent Opportunities of discovering their various
Inclinations and Propensities, and puts it in their Power to confer many
little Favours on them, that otherwise they would not be sensible of.
For Example; there are two Sorts of Meat at Table equally innocent; in
that Case Parents may sometimes, without Impropriety, give a Child its
Choice; this Indulgence, when allowed without Clamour or Rudeness in the
Child, looks graceful, gives it Spirit, and a pleasing Air: besides, it
affords Parents an Opportunity of discovering, if a Child has any natural
Antipathy, any unconquerable Aversion, to certain Kinds of Food; or any
thing in its Constitution that has a Repugnancy to certain Meats, which,
tho’ it may like, always make it sick; all which must be distinguished
from Humour and Daintiness. But it will be impossible to arrive at this
Knowledge, if my first Principle, Obedience, be neglected; for if a Child
be suffered always to have it’s own Humour, what a fantastical Figure
does it make at Table! I have seen a sensible well-bred Woman sweat
with Confusion at the Behaviour of her Child, and able to eat no Dinner
herself for attending to it’s Humours. One Minute it would have one Meat,
the next another; this was too fat, and that was cut in the wrong Place;
by and by it would have something else, and after all grow sullen, and
not eat half it’s Dinner: but Obedience obviates this Confusion, and
makes all calm and regular; Children take whatever is given them, and eat
it without Reluctance or Reserve. Thus while they see they are not to be
humoured, Parents will be at Leisure to attend to them, and may easily
observe what Food should be generally given, and what avoided; and thus
too Parents might have half a dozen Children at Dinner with Peace and
Joy, while the opposite Behaviour makes one a Plague to the whole Table.
This Attention to Children will likewise discover what Companions they
like, and often, why they like them; by which Means Parents will be able
to judge if their Dispositions are good or bad; vulgar or polite; tending
to Vice or Virtue; all which will furnish them with Hints for granting or
denying certain Acquaintance.
The same Rule Parents should observe, thro’ the stated Actions of every
Day; that is to say, at Rising, Breakfast, Dressing, School, Dinner,
Supper, and Bed-time; all are to be under such Regulation, that no
Opposition or Untowardness obstruct the Order of their Designs: these
I call the stated Actions, because they are things that constantly
and regularly return; and Parents should by all Means habituate their
Children to consider them as Acts of Obedience and Duty that must
be readily complied with. On this Head I earnestly recommend, that
Parents introduce Order and Method among their Children; by laying out
their Time, and allotting different Hours in the Day for different
Exercises; by which Means all will go smoothly on, and render their
various Employments extremely easy. Here I cannot help observing, how
ready People are to give opprobrious Names to what they dislike or
are Strangers to. A Man, because he does not love Order, or does not
understand it, endeavours to brand it with the Epithet of Formality;
whereas in reality, nothing considerable or truly important can be
carried on without it. How comes it, that, besides the Artizans, and
other Day-labouring Men, we so regularly see the Clerk in his Office,
the Merchant upon Change, the Physician with his Patient, and the Judge
on the Bench? but because the Nature of our various Employments in Life
require it, and because Order is the Soul of Action. To be convinced of
this, we need but view the first Elements of Learning, where we find
Letters and Figures always ranged in the same exact Order. But we may
go farther, by observing, that Logicians teach us the Arrangement even
of our Ideas; so indispensably necessary is Order and Method for the
conducting us through Life. But while I urge the Usefulness and Necessity
of Order, I would not be understood to mean a rigorous and starch’d
Preciseness in all we do; on the contrary, I have already recommended,
that Parents endeavour to give their Children an easy and a graceful
Air. I am very sensible, that as in the Productions of Nature there is
often displayed a beautiful Irregularity, thus Order and stated Times
may be dispensed with, in some of the greatest Actions the Soul of Man
is capable of. And as in Wit the sudden Propriety of the Thought and
Expression makes the Beauty of it; so in the Exigencies of Life, an
unpremeditated Act of Benevolence, doubly proves the Goodness of the
Heart from which it flows: still as Judgment is superior to Wit, so Order
is superior to Irregularity.