than obtained; not so easily practised as desired; among these, one
Expedient, I think, might often prove successful towards attaining this
happy Medium I have been speaking of. Where a Father is of a choleric,
hasty, and severe Disposition, and the Mother the reverse, which is
most generally the Case, it were greatly to be wished, that, by mutual
Consent, they sometimes exchanged Offices in the Government of their
Children. Would the Father resolve to make it his Study so to conquer his
Temper, as seldom or never, but in extreme Necessity, to interfere in
reprimanding and correcting his Children, but rather to take upon him the
Office of Commendations and Rewards; and of treating them with all the
Affability he is Master of: and would the Mother take an equal Resolution
to conquer the Softness of her Nature, to reprimand and punish them on
proper Occasions with all the Sternness she can summon; remitting them
for the Applause or Gratifications they may deserve to their Father:
would Parents, I say, with these Dispositions, resolve on the Practice,
I cannot but think it would produce excellent Effects in the Government
of Children: considering the very little Danger there would be of the
choleric, or naturally severe Father spoiling his Child by Excess of
Fondness; or the naturally tender Mother ruining it by extreme Severity.
I will here suppose, what is most agreeable to good Sense, that Parents
in general have such good Dispositions as to intend the real Benefit
of their Children; but either that they have not thought on what was
necessary to be done, or thought on it but confusedly: I will suppose too
that both Father and Mother agree in this general Intention. Still, as
all have their several Ways of judging, the most sensible People will be
liable to have different Notions of different Things, and even different
Ways of doing the same Thing; which, so far from being wrong, if well
attended to, may contribute to the great Emolument of both. Yet Parents
must be extremely cautious never to differ about the Government of
Children in their Hearing; it does incredible Mischief; but particularly,
it alienates them from their Duty; and weakens the Authority of the
Parents on one Side at least, if not on both.
If a Child is to be in the Hands of a Nursery-maid, (which is general
among People of Condition) great Care should be taken in the Choice
of her. I am an Advocate for Knowledge and Good-breeding, but they are
not so much wanted here. The Requisites are, Cleanliness, Good-temper,
Docility, and Innocence. Every one allows, and is sensible of the Benefit
of Cleanliness; and genuine Good-temper is no less advantageous; but if
with these Parents find a tractable docile Mind, joined with a native
Innocence, they have found a Treasure; and ought to prize it accordingly.
The Parents are to be their Children’s Guides, and the sole Judges what
ought to be done for them; therefore I cannot but account it a singular
Happiness, when they find a Servant who will treat their Children in the
Manner they require. But farther; a Servant with this Turn of Temper,
will every Day improve in the Knowledge and Behaviour necessary to her
Station: and from seeing the Reasonableness of the Parents Injunctions,
take pains to enforce them on the Child.
But as a Variety of Circumstances in Life may alter our Views; so we
are often obliged to vary our Mode of proceeding, tho’ directed to the
same Point. Thus it sometimes happens, that a very young Couple become
Parents, who are totally unacquainted with what ought to be done; in that
Case, it is undoubtedly necessary that they seek a Person already skilled
in this important Business; possessed too of all the Requisites I have
just pointed out: and such an one with Care and Pains may be found. As
Misfortunes are but too common, so there are Women who are not only well
born, but whose Education and Manner of Life is truly virtuous; whose
only Fault perhaps is, that they inconsiderately married too young; and
whose Misfortune is, that Death by depriving them of their Husbands, has
deprived them of Support: whence they are glad to accept of a Service,
which unexperienced Parents ought as gladly to engage them in, and reward
them for.
It is not enough that Children have wise and discreet Parents, who
employ too a faithful Deputy; no, they must also be guarded from the
Interposition of Friends and Relations. They are dangerous Sharers in
our Government, and dangerous Rivals in our Children’s Affections. No
body surely can mistake me so far as to think I would exclude Relations
from the Respect and Duty due to them; by no means: they may assist with
their Counsel in the Absence of the Children, or they may encourage
filial Duty in the Absence of the Parents; but in general they should
not be allow’d to interfere in the Management, nor on any Account
thwart the Parents Injunctions, or discover opposite Sentiments in the
Children’s hearing. What more common than for a Lady to have a Maiden
Sister live with her, who is pretty sure to spoil the Children by a
mistaken Fondness. A Child grows ungovernable, and the Parents correct
it; now as Children are cunning before they are wise, immediately it
flies to it’s Aunt; who, with eager Embraces, and pathetic Nonsense,
seldom fails to pervert the Parents Correction with ill timed, and
worse judg’d Consolations. Is it not easy to see that Children by this
Party Management will be misled; and that if it does not misguide their
Affection, it will at least weaken their Duty?
That Children have Knowledge very early is plain to us a thousand
different Ways, but in none more evidently than their close Attachment,
their visible Fondness, for some one Person, whether Father, Mother,
Aunt, or Nurse; though commonly it is the Mother or Nurse, or whoever is
most with them, or most humours them. This Fondness is perfectly natural,
and we are not to be surprised at it; but my Readers must remember it
is the Parents Business to regulate their Children’s Desires; and this
they cannot do, if they indulge and cherish a blind Fondness in them,
though it should be even to themselves. Filial Affection in it’s full
Extent is undoubtedly an exalted Virtue; still to be rational, it must be
just: and as there are many things which Parents cannot lawfully command
their Children to do, so there are many things which Children ought not
to comply with, even though commanded by a Parent. For Instance: if a
Man dislikes his Wife, or a Woman her Husband (and melancholy Experience
shews us these things do happen, and that there is sometimes a fix’d
Aversion on one side or both) is it therefore lawful for a Man to teach
his Children to hate their Mother; or the reverse? by no means: nor can
a Child comply with so impious a Command. People who know but little
of Life, may think such an Injunction impossible; but it is far from
it. Many Incidents approaching very near to this are too frequently to
be met with; and I have myself the Pleasure of being acquainted with a
Gentleman, whose whole Deportment is such as renders him amiable in the
Eyes of all who know him; yet this Gentleman, when a Student, was almost
totally abandon’d by his Father, for no other Reason than that of writing
some Letters of Duty and Affection to his Mother. But to return to this
first Fondness we discover in Children. The Cause of it is mostly owing
to their being too much confined to the Arms of one Person, or too much
indulg’d by another: yet whatever it is owing to, the Effects are very
disagreeable, very inconvenient, and sometimes very fatal.
When a Child is in the Arms of those it is fond of, no body must meddle
with it under pain of a Slap on the Face; and tho’ this Behaviour is
often put up with, and the Parents persuade themselves it is pretty, yet
their Friends, when absent, seldom fail to condemn them as the Cause of
this Behaviour: but should any one, regardless of the Slaps, take the
Child into their Arms, the little Creature is immediately in a Rage,
the whole Company is thrown into Disorder, and nothing can quiet it,
but returning to the Arms of the mistaken Fondler. Here at one View is
Error upon Error, Absurdity upon Absurdity; the Child by this mistaken
Fondness is made miserable, and the Mother or Nurse a Slave. Now to
obviate this Inconvenience, my Advice is, that every Child, after six
Months old, be accustomed to various Faces; be put into the Arms of
various People, young or old, fine or ordinary; so as to make every one
they see in some Degree familiar: Parents are to make their Children
happy; keep them active, lively, and smiling; and this they cannot do,
if they cherish or indulge in them a Dislike of going to any other but
themselves. I know this Weakness in Mothers and Nurses is attended with
many Inconveniencies; it creates in Children an early Fear; often an
unconquerable Shyness; it sours their Temper, and strengthens their
natural Wilfulness; which last Effect is plain to every Eye; for to make
the Child quiet they take it away from the Stranger; by which Treatment
it soon sees it can conquer it’s Parents. But Parents encourage this
partial Fondness in Children, for fear they should not love them: this is
a Mistake; for even Infants soon know their Mother or Nurse; and soon too
do they both see and feel a Happiness in them they do not find in others:
like People who toil themselves with Sights and Shows, they return to
their own Home, and enjoy a Content superior to every thing they felt
abroad.
Children, while young, may be compared to Machines; which are, or
should be, put in Motion, or stopped, at the Will of others: but here
it must be confessed, that ’till they are able to conduct themselves,
they stand in need of good Conductors. For Example, Children have the
Gift of Speech; but to how perverse a Purpose, unless regulated? Their
Wit, their Cunning, or their Knowledge, often serve but to mislead them;
serve but to strengthen the natural Corruption of their Will. What is
more common than for a Child to make no Answer when ask’d a Question? Or
what more common than for another, or perhaps the same in a different
Mood, to tire a whole Company with incessant Prating? Now nothing can
regulate these but the Judgment of Parents; the whole Machine, that is,
the Words and Actions of Children, are to be under their Guidance alone:
to this End, they must set out with a Resolution to conquer; and never
quit the Field of Argument ’till they have. When a Question is ask’d a
Child, no Matter by whom, whether by the Parents, a Visitor, a Servant,
or a Beggar, it must never be suffered to go unanswered; all the Rules of
Breeding and Civility demand it; and nothing can excuse a Non-compliance:
so, on the other hand, when a Child has a fluent, voluble Tongue, and is
disposed to talk out of Time and Place, and to say perhaps many improper
or unbecoming things, it must certainly be restrained. But tho’ I urge
this, it is not merely because Children should speak or be silent; do
a thing, or let it alone, when bid; for however right or pleasing all
this is, it is far from being the only Motive; no, it is the Influence
the opposite Behaviour will have on Children’s future Lives that must
be the Point in View. A Child accustomed not to answer when spoke to,
will probably contract a morose, dogged, or, at least, an uncivil Habit;
another suffered to out-talk every body in the House, will be in Danger
of becoming an impertinent, if not an empty Prater; and if a third is
never refused the thing it asks for, it will be but ill prepared to
bear Disappointments. Parents I know are apt to think nothing of these
Irregularities; but it is Inattention to the first Errors, which lays
the Foundation of Vices for Life. What is it distinguishes Mankind
from all created Nature, but that superior Power, Reason? Yet what is
it makes this noble Faculty, this boasted Power, so often useless, nay
destructive, but the Corruption of the Will? Will is a distinct Power in
the Soul; but as it is naturally corrupt, if Parents neglect an early
Restraint of it in their Children, it is great odds that their Reason
will never be able to conquer it: nay there are many who never attempt
the subjecting it; who banish every thing which does not favour their
Inclinations, however irregular; and even among those who struggle for
Reason to gain the Ascendant, the Combat is often unequal. Hence appears
the Necessity of attending to the earliest Words and Actions of Children;
of observing the Biass they take; and of moulding their tender Minds,
that the first Dawn of Reason may be cherished and improved in them.
Parents should give their Children an early and an ardent Love of Truth;
in order to this, it is not sufficient that they give them Precepts,
they must add Example too. There is no Vice more dangerous, none more
odious, than a Habit of lying; and yet none more common. But what is
stranger still, Parents themselves are often the Persons who teach it
them. It is very far from being my Design to charge Parents with an
Intention of leading Children into this capital Error; but that they do
it either thro’ want of Thought, or want of Judgment, is evident. First,
they grossly mistake their Children’s Capacity; and from a Notion that
they know nothing, say a thousand improper things in their hearing:
then, when they find themselves observed, are obliged to use many Shifts
and Turns to get rid of their Curiosity and Importunity. The next Cause
is, that Parents do not make Duty their Children’s Rule of Conduct. A
Child sees something in it’s Father’s Hand, and asks, What is that? The
Father answers, Nothing. But why make so absurd a Reply? Will not the
Child in Return act the same Part? _Jacky_, what have you got in your
Hand? Nothing. A Child sees it’s Mother put Money, Fruit, or any thing
else in her Pocket, and asks for it; immediately she replies she has
none: the Child taking the Conviction of it’s Senses, cries for what it
has seen; and the Mother, after repeated Denials, has no other Way of
pacifying it, than the giving what it cries for; and thus prove she has
been maintaining a Falsehood. I was once in Company with a Lady, who with
a sort of half Whisper, said her poor little Girl had Worms, and she must
give her some Physic; Miss immediately cries out, What, you are talking
of me now: No, no, Child, says Mamma: I know you are, replies Miss; I
heard you talk of Physic, but I’ll not take any I am resolved: No, my
Dear, repeats Mamma, I’m not talking about you; I’m talking of somebody
that is in a Consumption. Surely such Behaviour reflects greatly on the
Understanding or Conduct of Parents. Children should be told their Duty
without Disguise; and it is certain they may often be won to it by soft
and gentle Means; but Falsehoods, Prevarications, and puzzling the Truth,
can never be the Way to lead them to it. Parents then, besides animating
their Children to a Love of Truth by daily Advice, must themselves
carefully avoid all obscure ambiguous Language in their hearing; all
Signs, Nods, and Winks, which can answer no other End than perplexing
their Understandings, or raising in them a restless painful Curiosity.
Sir _Roger L’Estrange_ tells a Story that pleases me for it’s thorough
Honesty. “A Man met an Acquaintance in the Street: What, my Friend, says
he, have you got under your Coat? Why, replies the other, what I have
under my Coat, I put there on purpose that you might not know.” Thus
Parents without quibbling or evading, without Harshness or Ill-nature,
need only convince their Children that all things are not proper for them
to have, nor all things fit for them to know.
There is a Propensity in Nature which greatly deserves the Attention of
Parents, that is, Curiosity: and this when well regulated, may without
Impropriety be called the Gate of Knowledge. How lifeless, spiritless,
and insipid, is a Child without it! How pleasing, and how capable of
daily Improvement with it! Parents then ought to cherish this Propensity,
as it’s Use is boundless. But tho’ Curiosity is in it’s Nature a Means
of Improvement, it is extremely apt to degenerate into Impertinence; and
herein Parents cannot be too circumspect. For as they are really two
opposite Qualities, the one a Virtue, the other a Vice; great Care should
be taken to praise and reward the former, and discountenance and punish
the latter. Parents, besides the Instructions and Encouragement they give
to Children in this Point, should throw them in the way of exercising it,
and attend to their Behaviour when unconstrained. For Example; if I never
lock up my Books, my Children will learn that they have the Liberty of
reading them, unless expressly forbid; so likewise if I leave Letters or
other Papers about without reserve, they may with Freedom examine them;
and if they did not, I should think them incurious: but if they look over
my Shoulder on purpose to see what I am writing, if they break a Seal to
read the Contents of a Letter, or pry into my Scrutore because I have
accidently left it open; it will be easy for me to determine that they
are degenerating into Impertinence.
Useful Curiosity shews itself by innumerable Enquiries into the various
Productions of Nature and Art; hence insensibly arises in Children,
a Love of Knowledge, and a Love of Labour; hence too they learn to
distinguish the Useless from the Useful; what they should pursue from
what they should avoid. Impertinence shews itself by prying into the
Affairs of others; employing their Thoughts and Time about what does
not concern them, to the Detriment of all within their Reach. Hence
springs that Neglect of real Knowledge we daily see in many; and that
Croud of Trifles which waste their Time, and tend only to hurt others,
and do themselves no good. For in proportion to the Time they spend in
acting wrong, so much do they lose of the Knowledge how to act right.
But besides it’s being so detrimental and destructive to Society,
Impertinence has something in it so mean and hateful, that Parents cannot
do too much to keep their Children free from it.
Parents should encourage in their Children a lively chearful
Disposition; but quite pure, and unmixt with Vice, however distant. In
order thereto, they should never suffer them, for any consideration, to
utter an indecent Word, or commit any irregular Action which has the
least bad Tendency; but above all, Parents must be careful themselves,
never to say or do any thing in their Presence that they ought not to
hear or see. This Caution may seem unnecessary, since all acknowledge
how great the Force of Example is; yet if we view the general Conduct
of Fathers particularly, we shall be obliged to own they stand greatly
in need of it. For what more common than to hear Men swear and utter
many indecent Expressions before their Children? And what more natural
than their Imitation of them? which Poison, when once imbibed, cannot
easily be expelled. As my Aim in writing is purely the Hopes of conveying
Instruction, so I speak my Thoughts with Freedom; and every one is at
liberty to take or leave what they like, or what they find most necessary
and applicable to themselves: still I cannot help urging in the strongest
Terms, a strict Regard to Decency as an universal and indispensable
Obligation. For whoever considers how naturally propense we are to catch
the Taint, and how very hard it is to wipe it off, will surely agree
with me, that those are much the happiest who escape the Infection the
longest.
But besides the nicest Care with regard to Words, Parents, as I have
observed before, should be greatly circumspect in their Actions. Nothing
gross or indecent should be done in their Sight; a Mother should by no
means appear too much undressed in the Presence of her Son; nor a Father
in that of his Daughter; for these and many other things, though in
themselves innocent, are not allowable; they give Boys a Boldness which
borders on Impudence; and they are apt to wean Girls from some Degree of
that Modesty they ought so carefully to preserve.
I cannot but recommend, what I doubt very few will comply with, that Boys
and Girls, even when Infants, have not only separate Beds, but, wherever
it is practicable, always lie in separate Rooms: nor should they ever be
exposed naked to one another, or the least wanton Curiosity be permitted:
the Eyes and Ears convey Corruption to the Mind; and we cannot begin too
soon to shut up every Avenue to Vice. I am sensible of the Singularity
of this Doctrine; but I am firmly persuaded many good Effects would
flow from the Practice of it. It is Matter of Astonishment to me, to see
discreet and good People universally over-run with the false Notion,
that Children do not observe; as if because they are Children, they
neither hear, nor see, nor feel: whence they often lead them, or suffer
them to be led very early into some kinds of Knowledge, which should
be the last for them to learn. I grant indeed that such is the general
reigning Corruption, that however carefully Parents avoid tainting
their Children’s Minds, they will still be exposed to the Contagion of
others; but if they have the Happiness of seeing these things always
discountenanced by their Parents, and are never suffered to copy the
corrupt Manners of others, the odds are greatly in their Favour: but if
after all they should still turn out vicious, Parents will have at least
the consoling Reflection, that they did every thing on their Part to
prevent it.
At the same time that Parents are industrious to make Children obedient
to themselves, they must teach them to consider every one as an
Individual of Society, and give them a deep Sense of the Necessity of
good Behaviour to all, whatever be their Circumstances or Condition. In
every Family there are particular Obligations which Children must be
taught to distinguish, and to reduce to Practice. Next to their Parents,
Children owe to all senior Relations, Respect and Duty; to their Brothers
and Sisters they owe not only a tender but an unalterable Affection; and
all of more distant Kin have a Claim of Respect which cannot be refused
them. Yet all this is but little, if compared with the universal Demand
Mankind have on one another. We cannot without Injustice deny Virtue and
Merit our Esteem; old Age is venerable, and to refuse the Honours due to
it, is a Degree of Impiety; Obligations demand Gratitude; Misfortunes
call for Friendship and Compassion; and even Vice and Folly demand our
Pity and Concern, nay more, demand our Endeavours to remove them. But
among the various Situations in Life, that which most requires the Care
and Attention of Parents is, the teaching Children a due Regard to People
in Poverty and Distress. It does not cost much pains to give Children
a proper and becoming Behaviour to their Betters and Equals; but to
persuade them to maintain a considerable Degree of Respect to Inferiors,
or to those in disadvantageous Circumstances, is an arduous Task; still
it may and ought to be done. Nothing so humanizes the Soul, nothing
so strongly proves the Man, as sympathizing with, and relieving the
Distresses of our Fellow Creatures: ’tis then the Duty of Parents never
to let their Children speak or act with the least Degree of Rudeness to
the lowest among Mankind; never to let them divert themselves with their
Rags or Misfortunes; but on the contrary, they should sometimes furnish
them with Money or other Things, that the Relief they design to give the
Needy may pass through their Hands: and at the same time imprint this
Truth on their Minds; that he who is thus reduced to ask, is often far
more deserving than he who bestows.
Another indispensable Duty of Parents to their Children is, that they
teach them never to dare to sport with the natural Defects of others.
As an ingenious Author says, “This Practice, though levelled at the
Creature, reflects on the Creator; it mocks the Architect, and burlesques
the Creation.” ’Tis strange that Persons of the best Understanding so
seldom reflect on this Point. What can be more absurd than to ridicule
one Man for being too tall, and another for being too short? one for
having too little Nose, another for having too much? The Degrees of
Beauty and Deformity are infinite; and to be perfectly free from natural
Defects and Blemishes is the Lot of very few: nor is it easy to fix the
Standard of Beauty. We know by Anatomy, Sculpture and Painting, the
general Rules of Symmetry and Proportion, and thus easily distinguish the
gross Defects; but Beauty in the superlative Degree, in it’s ultimate
Perfection, is not so readily determined. But farther; what is beautiful
in the Eye of one is not so in the Eye of another; what was accounted
Beauty in some former Age or distant Country, is not esteemed such at
present. Since then we see that ’tis our general Lot to be more or less
defective, and that All are made by one Almighty Hand, how inhuman must
it be to insult or despise another for what, if an Imperfection, it is
not in his Power to avoid; and that perhaps while the Insulter himself is
not free from other Blemishes, full as obvious and offensive to many.