stated substantially that about one o'clock that morning they found Mr.
Warbler standing in a garbage-barrel, on the edge of the sidewalk,
extemporizing doggerel to an imaginary audience. They insisted upon his
stopping, when Mr. Warbler told them that it was a violation of
etiquette to interrupt a gentleman when he was delivering a poem before
the alumni of a college. He was evidently under the influence of liquor,
and quite out of his mind. They thought, for his own safety, that they
had better bring him to the station-house.
"_Judge._--Mr. Warbler, you have heard what the officers have stated
about your eccentric course of conduct; how did you happen to get drunk?
"_Mr. Warbler._--'Twas night, and gloomy darkness had her ebon veil
unfurled, and nought remained but gas-lamps to light up this 'ere world.
The heavens frowned; the twinkling orbs, with silvery light endowed,
were all occult on t'other side a thunderin' big black cloud. Pale Luna,
too, shed not her beams upon the motley groups which lazily were
standing round like new disbanded troops--
"_Judge._--It's not to hear such nonsense that I occupy this seat--
"_Mr. Warbler._--A death-like stillness e'er prevailed on alley, pier
and street.
"_Judge._--To listen to such stuff, sir, I can't sacrifice my time--
"_Mr. W._--Don't discombobilate my thought and interrupt my rhyme; I
think that when misfortune is put on its defence, poetic justice, logic,
law, as well as common sense, demand its story all be heard, unless _ex
parte_ proof is to send poor friendless cusses underneath the prison's
roof. Shall I proceed?
"_Judge._--Proceed; but don't make your tale too long.
"_Mr. W._--I'll heed your words, depend upon't. I own that I was wrong
in rushing headlong as I did into inebriation, but let me question now
the Court; is it not a palliation of the depth of human guilt if malice
don't incite to break in divers fragments State laws wrong or right, and
when only human appetite, uncontrolled by human reason leads men of
genius, oftentime, the dish of life to season with condiments which _pro
tem._ the mental palate tickle, yet very often, in the end, put human
joys in pickle which ain't so cussed funny; though all of the expense of
grub and the _et ceteras_ the public pays for; hence, I ask this Court
(believing that its feelings are not hampered) if justice should not
ever be with human mercy tempered?
"_Judge._--Perhaps. Now, tell me, Warbler, where you bought your liquor.
"_Mr. W._--Anon I'll tell you. Last week, Judge, prostrate was I, far
sicker than to me's agreeable, with the diarrhea chronic, and
sympathizing friends advised that I should take some tonic. I asked them
what: at once they said, 'Get some lager-bier.' 'Twas got. 'Drink
freely, boy,' said they, 'nothing need you fear, but you'll be up and on
your legs.' The lager-bier 'was took;' soon every object in my sight had
a very drunken look. Lager-bier (to German ears the words may be
euphonic.) Tonic, certainly, it was, but decidedly too--tonic. Abnormal
thirst excited it, and I went to great excesses (the statement's quite
superfluous, my nose the fact confesses). Last night, attracted by the
scenes which Gotham's streets present, I dressed myself in sombre
clothes, and out of doors I went; to quench my thirst did I imbibe the
more of lager-bier at Hoffman's on the corner, several squares from
here. No more know I, 'cept in the morn I wakened from my sleep, and
having sowed, perhaps I'll learn that likewise I must reap.
"_Judge._--Have you got ten dollars?
"_Mr. W._--'Tis true, I hain't a red; I suppose the words unpleasant
which next to me'll be said; that because by my imprudence my
pocket-book's collapsed, in prison drear must I remain till ten days
have elapsed.
"_Judge._--I'll let you go this time.
"_Mr. Warbler._--Ha, say you so? Is't true, that though my offence is
rank, in vain I did not sue for mercy; ne'er 'll I fail to say both
through thin and thick in the circle of my acquaintance that you're a
perfect brick.
"Mr. Wallabout Warbler left the room."
Mr. Van Dam announced that he had visited the Jefferson Market Police
Court one morning, and though there was much in the proceedings that was
uninteresting, he had yet been able to collate some facts which he
doubted not would be regarded as worthy of being recorded upon the
minutes of the club.
After taking a punch, Mr. Van Dam proceeded.
He stated that a dozen or two individuals, all of whom, not having the
fear of the law before their eyes, and being instigated by a morbid
thirst, and who did in the city and county of New York drink, swill,
imbibe, smile, guzzle, suck, and pour down various spirituous,
fermented, or malt liquors, wine, beer, ale or cider, and from the
effects thereof did get drunk, were severally favored with moral
lectures and ten dollar fines. The first were not appreciated, and the
second were not paid.
But the case which interested Mr. Van Dam most was that of four boys,
named Frederick T. White, Michael Keefe, John Wheeler, and Manning
Hough, who were arraigned on a charge of disorderly conduct. They were
bright-looking boys of about thirteen years of age, dressed in plain but
neat clothes, and with the exception of White, did not seem much to like
the position they occupied. There was a devil-may-care, though not a
vicious look, about White, which was positively refreshing. He seemed to
rather like the position than otherwise, and from a roguish leer that
was observed in his eye as he surveyed a personage who was to appear as
the witness against him, Mr. Van Dam was led to anticipate something in
the shape of novelty, and he accordingly prepared for the worst. The
Judge told the boys the nature of the charge against them. The name of
the witness being called, Mr. Conrad Heinrich Holzenkamp announced his
presence by an emphatic 'Here.'
Mr. Holzenkamp was a man who was the very ideal of a lager bier saloon
keeper. His weight was at least two hundred and seventy-five pounds, one
half of which could be set down to lager bier. His height was not more
than five feet eight, but the circumference and diameter of the lager
bier were enormous. He carried himself erect by necessity to balance
the lager bier in the front. His hide was in wrinkles across the back
of his neck whenever he held back his head, and every wrinkle seemed
ready to burst with lager bier. Mr. Holzenkamp's face looked lager bier;
Mr. Holzenkamp walked lager bier, drank and ate lager bier in
alternation. He thought lager bier, dreamed lager bier. In brief, Mr.
Holzenkamp was composed of two things: first, the effects of lager bier;
and second, lager bier.
Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the oath in his characteristic
manner as follows:
"You solemnly swear, in the presence of Almighty God, that the evidence
which you shall give in the present case, shall be the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God, kiss the book, and
get out of my way.
"_Mr. Holzenkamp._--I can shwear to all de dings vat you shpeak, but to
tell de whole troot, dat can I not shwear; ven I can dinks fon all dese
boys have done, I tells you more as genuff to sends them to de
Benidentiary for so long as dey lives; a hoonerd dings dey do vot I
dinks not of.
"_The Court._--Kiss the book, Mr. Holzenkamp.
"The witness proceeded to bring a gill of lager bier contained in his
nose, and a half gill of lager bier contained in his lips, in contact
with a venerable Bible, which has been so familiar with crime by long
association that we almost wonder the text has not been long since
corrupted as much as the cover. Lager bier and the Bible having come in
contact, lager bier is supposed to be incapable of lying.
"_The Court._--Mr. Holzenkamp, please state the circumstances connected
with the arrest of these boys.
"_Mr. H._--Vell, on Vensday night, at von o'clock, my koostumers dey all
goes vay fom mine lager bier saloon, und I say to Yawcob to go mit him
and put up de blinds; ven he goes out mineself, mine vife, ve drinks
some lager bier, and den I dakes de money and counts dem and puts dem in
mine pocket; ven Yawcob come in ve locks de door, and goes de shtairs up
to shleep; vel mine vife and I get to de bed in, so soon as ve can, and
den I shleeps; ven I bin shleep leetle vile mine vife she shakes me and
say, 'Heinrich, de cats dey makes noise in de shtreets so dat I cannot
shleep;' ven I vakes up I hear so much cats squall in de shtreets dat I
dinks dere vas a meetin fon cat politicians. But dey makes so much noise
I cannot vink mine eyes vonce to shleep; so I get up and goes to de
window and say 'shcat,' 'shcat;' but de more I say shcat de more dey
vill not shcat. I say to mine vife, 'Katrina, you bin so younger and so
smaller as I bin, you go down in de shtreets and drives 'vay de cats.'
My vife den goes down, and ven she opens de door de cat squalls not
more, and she looks to see dem, but dere is not cats in de shtreets. Ven
she comes de shtairs up again and say de cats bin gone ve lie on de bed
to shleep; vell, ven I bin yust shleep most, mine Gott! I hear de cats
so louder as before, and I say to mine vife all de cats in de city bin
come on the shtep-valk fon mine lager bier saloon; dey squall like
hoonerd dyvels, and I try more to shcat dem vay. But it was no goot; dey
shquall--I cannot say to you so bad as dey shquall. Mine vife say dere
bin a tunder-shower fon cats; ven I lie in mine bed and shtand it so
long as I can, I jump up und shwear dat I shoots all de cats in de
vorld; I dakes mine bistol and runs de shtairs down, but I bin so mad,
und I go so quick, dat I falls the shtairs over, und in a minute finds
mine head knock on de vall, my right hand in some Schweitzer cheese, de
oder in de shpit-box, und von foot in de big ice-pitcher; so soon as I
can gits up and goes to de door und opens it, I goes on de shtep-valk,
und mine foot shlips, and I falls down on mine back, and breaks all de
bones in mine body; I feels mine hand on de shtep-valk, and I find it
bin all covered mit soft soap; I dries to raise mineself, but I bin so
heavy dat I down falls before I get up; yust den mine vife come and help
me, and bulls me fom de shtep-valk in de door; ve do not hear de cats
den, und so ve goes to de beds again; so soon as ve lie down I hears de
cats so vorse as de oder time--I hears notings but cats; I never was so
much afraid except vonce ven a lager bier barrel fly in bieces; I goes
to de vindow and I dinks I hear dem on de awning, und I gets out; yust
den de cats shtop, but I say I vill find vere dey bin on de awning; I
valk along und my foot trips on some shtrings, and ven I fall I hear one
loud cat-shquall dat fright me so dat I dinks I bin fall on more as
dhree hoonered cats; ven I can get up I feels on de shtrings, und I
valks till I finds a box; I brings de box to de vindow; Katrina gets de
lamp und dere ve find in de long vood shoe-box seven cats vat vas fixed
dis way: seven notch holes vas cut in de side de box, and de cats was
put in de box mit deir heads shtick out de holes; on de oder side de box
was seven leetle notch holes vere vas de cats' dails, und a shtring vas
tie to all de cats' dails; I know dat de cats come not in de box by
demselves, und so I look to see vere vas de boys; I comes de shtairs
down again, goes on de shtep-valk so soft as I can, and I finds vere de
strings comes down fom de awning; I keeps hold de shtring till I find
it come to a big sugar hogshead by de next house, and dere I find dese
boys; yust den I say 'Vatch!' and de boliceman comes and dakes de boys
to de station-house; I believe dey is de same boys as trouble me before.
"_The Court._--Boys, what have you got to say for yourselves for such
conduct?
"Master White volunteered to act as spokesman. He said:
"Well, one day we was a playing in front of this 'ere man's lager bier
saloon, and he come out and threatened to lick us if we didn't stop. We
kept on, and bine-by he comes to the door when we wasn't a lookin', and
threw a pailful of dirty water on us. We thought we'd got as good a
right to the street as he had, so we made up our minds to be even with
him, and we got the box and cats and serenaded him.
"Mr. Holzenkamp stated that he baptized the boys a few days before as
described. The boys promised not to bother lager bier saloon keepers any
more, in consideration of which they were discharged."
Mr. Van Dam stated that the last case called was that of Mr. Timothy
O'Neil.
The case he said occupied the attention of the court nearly a half
hour, owing to the difficulty which the court experienced in getting him
to make direct responses to his questions.
"Timothy appeared in a grey dress-coat--that is to say, it was high in
the waist, with a short and pointed tail, a feature oftener produced by
tailors than by literary men of the present day. Timothy's vest was red;
his breeches were made of corduroy. Below them were long coarse
stockings and brogans.
"The evidence went to show that Timothy had been found drunk in the
street, but he was not communicative on the subject. He did not call the
officer a liar after he had heard him give his evidence, nor tell the
judge that he was an 'owld tief.' He said nothing until he was asked to
take the usual oath. The Judge said: 'Mr. O'Neil, put your hand on the
book.' Mr. O'Neil complied cautiously, fearing the result of his act.
When the words of the oath were uttered he made the sign of the cross,
and after being requested by the court, kissed the Bible.
"_The Clerk._--What's your name?
"_Prisoner._--The same as me father's.
"'What was his name?'
"'The same as mine.'
"'Tell me your name or you shall be locked up.'
"'Timothy.'
"'And what else?'
"'I haven't any middle name.'
"'I mean your last name.'
"'O'Neil.'
"'How long have you been in the city?'
"'Since I come to the counthry.'
"'How long is that?'
"'Pat Hooligan can tell ye betther nor I can.'
"'What month was it?'
"'The first Sunday in Lint.'
"'Where do you live?'
"'Wid Biddy and the childer.'
"'Where do they live?'
"'The second floor, back room, bad luck to the bugs that's in it.'
"'I mean what street?'
"'Mike Henessy's store is on the first floor.'
"'Tell me what street the house is on?'
"'Who the divil can tell whin they are changin' the names of the
blackguard streets so much?'
"'What was the street called before the name was changed?'
"'Anthony street; they calls it by another name now.'
"'Worth street I suppose you mean?'
"'I mane that the painter should have put it Worthless street.'
"'Whereabouts in Worth street?'
"'Three doors from the corner.'
"'What corner?'
"'The corner of the street.'
"'What street?'
"'The street three doors above.'
"'Well what is its name?'
"'Bad luck to you, why didn't ye ax me that before?'
"'Well, tell me the name.'
"'Faith I don't know miself. It's an alley.'
"'Well, what's the number of the house?'
"'The number on the door do you mane?'
"'Certainly.'
"'There isn't anny.'
"'What is your trade?'
"'Me father never 'prenticed me.
"'I mean what do you work at?'
"'I don't do any work.'
"'Why?'
"'Because you've got me locked up in prison.'
"'Will you tell me what you work at when out of prison?'
"'I'm a laborin' man, sir'
"'At what were you employed?'
"'Haird work.'
"'What kind of work?'
"'In the shores' (sewers).
"'You are charged with being drunk.'
"'Dhrunk, is it. Faith, I never was more sober in my life than I am at
this minute.'
"'That may be; but here are a half-dozen men who are ready to swear that
they saw you drunk yesterday.'
"'Av it comes to that, can't I bring twiste as manny who will swear that
they didn't see me dhrunk yisterday.'
"'What kind of liquor did you drink?'
"'Mighty bad liquor, and ye'd say the same av ye was to thry it.'
"'Was it malt or spirituous liquor?'
"'It was nayther; it was whisky.'
"'Where did you purchase it?'
"'At the Dutchman's.'
"'Where is his store?'
"'On the corner.'
"'What corner?'
"'The corner nearest to where they're buildin' the shtore.'
"'Where is that?'
"Where I was workin'.'
"_The Court._--What was O'Neil doing when you found him?
"_Officer._--He was lying very drunk in a hole which he had been
digging.
"_Prisoner._--Be me sowl you're wrong for wonst; I didn't dig the howl;
I dug out the dirt and left the howl.
"'Were you ever up before the Court before?'
"'No, nor behind aither; when I want to be again, I'll sind to your
honor and let ye know.'
"'If I let you of this time will you keep sober?'
"'Faith I will, unliss the Dutchmin keep betther liquor nor they do
now.'
"'You may go.'
"'Thank ye, sir--ye're a gintleman, av there iver was wan.'
"Mr. Timothy O'Neil left the court-room."
Mr. Dropper also proposed to relate the experience of some half a dozen
mornings which he had spent in the pursuit of amusement under
difficulties, when he had occupied himself in seeing the sights around
the Jefferson Market Police Court.
"On one of the mornings which I devoted to visiting the Tombs," said Mr.
Dropper, "the class of prisoners varied. Most of them claimed to be
from the western of the British Isles. Others said they were born in
Cork, Clare, Down, and other counties. A number answered to patronymics
to which were prefixed the letter O, and an apostrophe. One party, who
called themselves Fardowners, looked brick-bats at another party who
occupied a remote corner of the cage, and who claimed to be
Connaughtmen. The remainder of the prisoners were Irish.
"An interesting feature in the proceedings of the morning was a case in
which Owen Shaughnessy, Patrick Mulholland, Michael O'Shea, Timothy
Leahey, Dennis Maroney, Dermot McDermott, Phelim Flannegan, Bridget
O'Keefe, Mary McBride, Ellen Dougherty and Bridget Casey were the
defendants. As the Judge called out their names, the prisoners severally
responded. They were all, as their names would indicate, of Irish birth.
The men, evidently long-shoremen and laborers, and the women, servants.
Their garments, in some instances, were torn, and in other ways
disarranged and soiled. The men, and in one or two instances the women,
showed bruises about their faces and hands, indicating their active
participation in a recent scrimmage, from the effects of which they had
not had the time, or soap and water, to enable them to recover.
"Mr. Gerald O'Grady, who stands at the head of the bar at the Tombs,
and who, under adverse circumstances and strong competition, has been
enabled, by his talents, to keep up his tariff of fees, from which he
has never deviated, appeared as counsel for the prisoners. Mr. O'Grady
has never been known to defend a case for less than fifty cents, unless,
actuated by feelings of commendable philanthropy, he has volunteered his
professional services gratis. It may be reasonably supposed that his
success has excited the envy of the 'shysters;' for while they have to
sit oftentimes a whole morning beside their respective granite columns
at the Tombs, without being called upon to defend a case, Mr. O'Grady's
presence in the court-room is in frequent demand. Mr. O'Grady had been
retained in this case, I learned, by seven of the defendants, at a
certain specified fee for each man, he volunteering his professional
services to the ladies without charge. He announced to the Court that he
represented the defendants, and that they were ready to have the trial
commence.
"'Is Mr. O'Grady your counsel?' the Judge inquired of the defendants.
"'Yes, yer honor,' said one of the parties addressed; 'didn't I pay him
five shillings--divil a hap'ny less--for to defind me.'
"'Five shillings?' said Mr. O'Grady, indignantly, 'you mane that as a
retainer, of coorse.'
"_Defendant._--I mane that's all ye'll get, anny how----
"_Counsel_ (loudly).--Say, sir, it is time for you to know that, as a
client, you should addhress the Coort only through your counsel. (To the
Court.) Sir, my clients here, paceable citizens, stand ready for to
answer, through me, to the diabolical chairges which designin' min have
brought against thim, feelin' within their breasts----(Here Mr. O'Grady
hit one of his clients a severe blow in his bread-basket).
"_Assaulted Client._--Oh! h-h--.
"_Counsel_ (to client).--Keep your mouth shut, why don't you? (To the
Court.) Feelin', as I said before, widthin their breasts, the proud
consciousness of their entire innocence of anny charges which their
accusers could dare for to bring against thim.
"The witnesses were Sergeant Ferrett and Officers Snap, Catcher,
O'Grasp, Ketchum, Holder, and Van Knabem.
"Officer Holder stated, in substance, that while patrolling his beat
during Thursday night, the inmates of a house, No. 83-1/2 Pacific Place,
began to get very disorderly. From the howlings and noises which he
heard, he came to the conclusion that there was a wake in the house. Not
desiring to stop the disturbance by any violent means, he knocked at the
door, with the view of telling them that they were disturbing the public
peace, and requesting them to desist. No response was made to his knock.
He then put his mouth to the keyhole of the door, and announced to them,
as audibly as he could, that unless they desisted, he should have to
call other officers and arrest them. No attention was paid to his words.
Sergeant Ferrett arrived soon after, and inasmuch as the disturbance
continued to increase, they called in the other officers to make a
descent on the place, not, however, until they had first endeavored, by
their voices, to make the inmates of the house understand the
consequence to them, in case they persisted in their unlawful course.
Officer Ketchum, who had formerly patrolled the beat, knew of a rear
entrance to the house through an alley, and they accordingly entered the
house by that way. They found about twenty persons present, men and
women, engaged in a promiscuous scrimmage, howling, drinking, and
fighting. The orders of the sergeant to cease their disturbance did not
avail anything, which decided them to arrest the leading actors in the
scene, which they forthwith accomplished, after some considerable
resistance on the part of the company. They brought them to the
station-house. The remainder of the party subsequently retired or left
the place, which was quiet for the rest of the night.
"The remaining officers confirmed the evidence of officer Holder, in
such of its particulars as they were acquainted with. All of them were
cross-questioned, more or less, by Mr. O'Grady, without, however,
eliciting any new facts of material interest.
"Mr. O'Grady introduced, as a witness for the defense, Mrs. Katheleen
Hennesy.
"Mrs. Hennesy is a lady of about forty-five years of age, five feet ten
inches in height, weighing about two hundred and fifty pounds. She has a
florid face. Her dress was remarkable for the extent with which it was
ornamented with highly-colored ribbons and laces, gathered in fantastic
bows.
"Mr. Blotter, the clerk, administered the usual oath.
"Mrs. Hennesy, having kissed the book, the examination was commenced.
"_Mr. O'Grady._--Misthress Hennesy, will you state to the Coort if
you're the proprietor of the house No. 83-1/2 Pacific Place.
"_Mrs. Hennesy._--Av coorse I am, and divil a hap'ny is there owin' to
anny man for what's inside of it.
"_Mr. O'G._--What kind of a house do you keep there?
"_Mrs. H._--Is it for to prove that the charackther of me house is not
good that yer afther axin' the question?
"_Mr. O'G._--Misthress Hennesy, could ye make it convanient to thrate
this Coort wid becoming respect, by answerin' the questions that I put
to ye, for the purpose of establishin' a definse of these ladies and
gintlemen, some of whom, I am towld, are inmates of yer house? What kind
of a house, I'll ax ye wonst more, do ye keep?
"_Mrs. H._--It's a respectable, honest boordin'-house; bad luck to the
blackgaird that says it's not.
"_Mr. O'G._--Will you plase to state to the Coort the facts of the
unfortunate occurrence that thranspired in yer house last night?
"_Mrs. H._--For the matther o' that, there's mighty little for to tell;
for it was nothin' more nor a wake, barrin' that the corpse come to life
widout showin' the civility of first tellin' the mourners that he wasn't
dead at all at all, and sayin', 'By yer lave, I'd rather not be, av it's
all the same to yez.'
"_Mr. O'G._--It's about that, Misthress Hennesy, that his honor is a
waitin' for ye to spake of. Now, thin, will ye relate the facts?