I heard Timothy Garretty was up stairs in his room, very sick, and like
to die. I dhressed myself, and sent for the docther, and went up stairs;
and throth Tim was a lyin' there in wan of his fits, wid which he had
been often throubled before; and before the docther could come to him,
the circulation of his brathin' had stopped entirely. Well, yer honor,
Tim had manny frinds in the house, and as he was an owld boordher, we
thought to howld a wake over his body. He was laid out, and put into a
coffin. At night all of his frinds come into the room, where everything
was illegantly arranged for the wake. They had begun to dhrink their
whisky, and was enjoyin' themselves in a gintale way, whin Pat
Mulholland, he sthruck Mike O'Shea over the eye for somethin' that Mike
had said, and wid that Mike's frinds and Pat's frinds got themselves
mixed up in a free fight together. At that time, plase yer honor, who
should I see arisin' from the coffin but Timothy Garretty himself, and
restin' on his hands. By my sowl I was freckened, for I thought it was
Tim's apparition that was appearin'. Thin Tim spoke up; 'Bad luck to
yez,' says he, 'isn't it a fine thing yez is doin'--havin' the whisky
flowin' free, and a free fight, too, and keepin' me a lyin' in this
blackgaird box on the broad of me back, widout ever so much as axin' me
if I had a mouth on me at all at all?' Wid that somebody who was a
strikin' happened to hit Timothy a clout in the eye, which knocked him
back into the coffin.
[Illustration]
"'Who the divil did that?' sez Tim, as he made a spring from the coffin
on to the floor, dhressed all up in his white clothes. 'Show me the man
that shtruck me in me eye;' and wid that Tim he commenced a shtrikin'
out, and he shtruck Dennis Marony under the but of the lug. Whin they
saw Tim out of his coffin, they stopped a fightin', and fell on their
knees, and commenced a sayin' their prayers. 'What's the matther wid
yez?' says Tim.
"'Are ye not dead?' says Larry O'Brien.
"'Yes, as dead as a nest of live flaze,' says Tim.
"'Then yer alive,' says they.
"'Thry me wid some whisky,' says he; and wid that they got up and give
Tim some whisky, which he never dhrank wid a betther grace nor thin.
Well, as Tim wasn't dead, they couldn't howld the wake, but they said it
would be a pity to lave the whisky to spoil, so they agreed that they'd
have the spree just the same. Tim was purty wake from his fit, and so it
didn't take long to make him dead dhrunk, whin we laid him in his bed.
Afther that, yer honor, they kept on a dhrinkin', and was fightin' in
the most frindly way, whin the M.P.s come into the door, and tuck some
of thim off to the station-house. I thin shut up the house, and the rest
wint to bed.
"_Judge._--Mrs. Hennesy, where is Timothy, the corpse?
"'Here, sir,' said a cadaverous-looking Hibernian, 'a little the worse
for dyin' widout bein' very dead.'
"_Judge._--I think you're good for a few years yet if you take care of
yourself. Mr. O'Grady, have your other witnesses anything to testify in
addition to what Mrs. Hennesy has stated?
"_Mr. O'Grady._--I belave not, yer honer. The material facts of the
definse are sufficiently proven by Misthress Hennesy's evidence. Av the
Coort plase, I have a few words to say in behalf of me clients here,
which, av the Coort will hear me, I will make brief and to the point.
"_Judge._--Go on.
"_Mr. O'Grady._--Thin, av the Coort plase, I will state that the ground
of my definse of these gintlemen and ladies against the unfounded
chairge of their disturbin' the public pace, is that the chairge is
unthrue in point of fact. Sir, what are the facts? A man dies, and his
friends congregate about the corpse to perform their last friendly
offices to his remains, in accordance with a custom justified by
thradition, ratified by usage, sanctified by antiquity, vilified by
these officers of the law when they call it a disturbance of the public
quiet, crucified when they burst in the house of mournin' and interfered
wid it in the name of the law; and, sir, I shall now proceed to
establish a definse, _bone fide_, with the soundness of which I belave
yer honor will be satisfied. Sir, the Constitution guarantees to my
clients freedom of conscience; the stairs and sthripes wave proudly
over a land in which religious despotism never dare show its repulsive
form; and yet these officers dare to say that a custom, which is almost
a pairt of the religion of these my clients, is a disturbance of the
public pace. Sir, the institutions of our counthry air endangered by
such perceedin's. And who was they disturbin'? Wasn't every man and
woman and child in Pacific Place of the same nationality of these my
clients? Air not their ethnological instincts runnin' in the same
channels? Was they disturbed? No! Every man and woman and child there
would have admired the devotion of these my clients, to their ancient
national thraditions and customs. There they was wan wid another doin'
their last friendly offices to their deceased friend in a fraternal
fight over his corpse. Sir, what a sublime spectacle for the human mind
to contemplate. I wondher that the officers were not thransfixed by the
solemnity and moral grandeur of the scene.
"_Judge._--Mr. O'Grady, I think that the fact of the dead having come to
life, and having been put to bed dead drunk, proves disastrous for your
argument, even admitting its soundness.
"_Mr. O'Grady._--Thrue it is, yer honor, that the wake was perceedin'
without the corpse, as thradition has it, that wonst upon a time Hamlet
was played widout the Prince of Denmark; but, yer honor, it was the
fault of the corpse, and not of that assembly of mourners. If Timothy
Garretty had chosen to have remained a dacintly-behaved corpse, thin the
objection which yer honor has raised could not have weighed against me
clients here, and I press it now upon yer honor should my clients here
be held accountable for the shortcomings of the corpse? I think not,
sir.
"_Judge._--I think, Mr. O'Grady, you may dispense with further argument,
as it would be superfluous. Mrs. Hennesy's house and its inmates have
never been complained of before that I am aware of, and in consideration
of this fact I'll discharge the prisoners, giving them warning, however,
in the future that if they are any of them brought before me again, I
shall not deal with them so leniently. You may go.
"The interesting party left the court.
"The business of the court having been quite extended, the Judge cast
eyes upon the clock, observing that the hour was already advanced, but
as he looked at the list of cases before him, he observed with a seeming
satisfaction, that he had now reached the last; he felicitated himself
with the idea that in a few moments he would be at liberty to leave the
premises, and after finding his way to some neighboring restaurant,
partake of his judicial sirloin steak and coffee. He was evidently
fatigued, but he put on a good-humored face as he called out:
"'Timothy Mulrooney.'
"'Here, sir,' said a young Milesian, remarkable for nothing in
particular; 'here I am, sir:' and Timothy Mulrooney stepped forward to
the bar.
"The Judge addressed the prisoner:
"'Timothy,' said he, 'you are charged with disorderly conduct.'
"'Yes sir, he is, and it's me that chairges him wid that same,' spoke up
an old woman, dressed in a heavy, blue cloth cloak, and an antiquated
cap and bonnet.
"_Judge._--Are you the witness?
"_Woman._--Av coorse I am, your honor, and it's me pride that I can
spake against Tim Mulrooney--the dirty tief of the world that he is (to
the prisoner), and I wondher, Tim, that you're not ashamed to howld up
yer head before his honor.
"_Judge._--Madame, state the facts as they occurred.
"_Witness._--Well, place your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or
Saturday mornin', I don't know which; but be that as it may, it doesn't
make anny difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor
wants for to know, when I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
door; sez I to myself, now Michael has come wid the porgies, and--
"_Judge._--Who is Michael?
"_Witness._--And don't ye know Michael, sure? he is my own child, and a
betther-behaved and more dacent boy nor him never sang at a wake; and he
can rade and write yer honor, as well as annybody, barrin' that whin he
comes to the big words he has to skip them, and guess at what they mane;
but that is not his fault, yer honor, for Michael never had any time to
go to school, still--
"_Judge._--Madame, you shouldn't let your tongue fly off in a tangent in
this way. What we desire to know is relative to the charge preferred by
you against Timothy Mulrooney, here.
"_Witness._--Yes, your worship, I was just comin' to it when ye
interrupted me. (To the prisoner)--Ah, you murdbering tief, it's on
Blackwell's Island that ye ought to be, instead of bein' here to face
his honor in the indacent way that ye'r doing now. (To the Judge)--Well,
your honor, it was on Friday mornin' or Saturday mornin', I can't tell
which, but be that as it may, it does not make anny difference, because
it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to know, when I heard
the horn of a fish-cairt in front of me door. Sez I to myself, Michael
has come wid the porgies. You see, your honor, Michael owns a
fish-cairt, and he sells fish, and what he doesn't sell he brings home
for us to ate. He towld me in the morning, that he would thry for to
save some of the porgies for dinner. Thin I wint out ov the door, and
sure enough it was Michael. 'Michael,' sez I; 'What,' sez he; 'Is it
here ye's air?' sez I; 'Sure it is,' sez he; 'Did you save the porgies?'
sez I; 'Av coorse I did,' sez he; and wid that he commenced takin' out
the fish from the cairt.
"_Judge._--What has all this to do with Timothy Mulrooney's offensive
conduct? you have not shown as yet that he has done anything wrong.
"_Witness._--Yer honor need have no fears but I'll convince yez that a
dirtier spalpeen nor him niver was allowed to go unhung among a dacent
people. (To the prisoner)--Ah, Tim, ye villain, I wondher that the ship
didn't sink wid ye on board when ye left the ould counthry; I'd like to
see ye show a receipt wid yer passage-money paid, ye--
"_Judge._--Madam, I must insist upon your addressing yourself to the
Court; you have no business to speak to the prisoner at all. Although he
may have done wrong, yet so long as he is in my presence he shall be
protected from the assaults of your tongue.
"_Witness_ (excited).--The assaults of me tongue! Howly St. Pathrick, do
ye hear that? Yer honor, I'm a dacint woman wid a family of childher and
divil a word was ever spoke against me charackther before.
"_Judge._--I said nothing against your character. I want you to confine
yourself to what Timothy Mulrooney did to disturb the peace and quiet of
your domicile.
"_Witness._--I will yer honor. It was on Friday mornin', or Saturday
mornin', I don't know which, but be that as it may, it don't make anny
difference, because it's about what followed that yer honor wants for to
know; ah, yer honor, I have it now--it was Friday mornin'--we was to
have porgies for dinner, and not mate, because it was Friday--
"_Judge._--All this is worse than nothing; you are taking up the time of
the court by your tedious talk, which, so far as I can see, has no
bearing whatever on the charge you have seen fit to make against this
man Timothy.
"_Witness._--Haven't I been trying for the last ten minutes to tell ye,
and ye'll not not let me? It's wid a bad grace that yer honor reproves
me for not tellin' ye what I know, whin it's yerself that is
interruptin' me. Well, yer honer, it was on Friday morning, whin I heard
the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my door, sez I to myself, now
Michael--
"_Judge._--I don't want to hear that story any more. You have told that
several times already. State the facts about Timothy. Come down to the
time when he commences to figure.
"_Witness._--Ah, bad luck to the thratement that I get here. Has any of
my illusthrious family the O'Briens ever done annything against yer
honer that yez should illthrait me in this way?
"_Judge._--Not that I am aware of. Now go on with your evidence.
"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was about to tell ye, it was on
Friday mornin' whin I heard the horn of a fish-cairt in front of my
door. Sez I to myself--now Michael has come wid the porgies.
"_Judge_ (impatiently).--Mrs. O'Brien, I--
"_Witness._--Me name's not O'Brien; I'm a married woman, and me name is
Flaherty; me name was O'Brien when I was a girl.
"_Judge._--Well, then, Mrs. Flaherty, O'Brien, or whatever your name is,
I have heard of these porgies and that fish-cart so often that they have
grown stale; now tell me what occurred between you and Timothy
Mulrooney?
"_Witness._--How do I know but ye'll intherrupt me again before I have
said five words?
"_Judge._--You may rest assured that I will not if you will tell what
Tim Mulrooney has done that is contrary to law.
"_Witness._--I could tell ye enough to hang him a half-dozen times, if
he had as manny necks as that; (to the prisoner) ye know I could, Tim,
ye--
"_Judge_ (perspiringly).--Mrs. O'Flaherty--
"_Witness._--Flaherty, widout the O, yer honor.
"_Judge._--Well, whatever your name is, you must not say anything to the
prisoner in this court. Go on now, and if you will tell what he has done
I'll not interrupt you.
"_Witness._--Now remember yer promise, ye honor. It was on Friday
mornin'--
"_Judge_ (despairingly).--You're at it again. I--
"_Witness._--Howly mother of Moses! I told yer honor how it would be wid
ye; here I haven't said more nor five words before yer at yer owld
thricks again.
"_Judge_ (much vexed).--What did Timothy do with your fish?
"_Witness._--He didn't do annything wid them that time, barrin' that he
saw Michael bring them in the house, and I heard him tell Biddy
Mulrooney, his mother, who lives in the next room to me, that he would
rather live on praties and bread, as they was a doin', than to ate
stinkin' porgies that nobody else would buy; I know the Mulrooneys was
jealous.
"_Judge._--Did Timothy create any disturbance then?
"_Witness._--No, yer honor, he didn't.
"_Judge._--Then why did you have him arrested?
"_Witness._--It was afther thin that the spalpeen made the disturbance.
"_Judge._--When was that?
"_Witness._--It was yestherday mornin'.
"_Judge._--What did Timothy do?
"_Witness._--It wasn't Tim, but his cat.
"_Judge._--Then it seems that you have entered a charge against Timothy
Mulrooney of disorderly conduct, which, by right, you should have made
against Timothy Mulrooney's cat, always provided that cats are amenable
to municipal law.
"_Witness._--By my sowl, yer honor, ye've got it mixed up again. Now why
didn't ye wait until I could tell ye.
"_Judge._--Go on; I am reconciled to my fate. As a particular favor, I
should like to have you finish within a half hour.
"_Witness._--Well, yer honor, as I was tellin' ye, the Mulrooneys was
jealous of us because we had fish and they didn't. Yestherday mornin'
Michael brought home more porgies (the Judge here heaved a deep sigh)
and I laid them on top of a barrel in the passage to wait till I could
dress them; what next, yer honor, did I see but Tim Mulrooney's big tom
cat on the barrel atin' the fish; I heaved a pratie at the cat and it
ran off wid the porgies; just thin I saw Tim Mulrooney laughing at what
the cat was doin'; I know the blackgaird had towld the cat to ate the
porgies; I called to Michael, and I run toward Tim to bate the tief as
he deserved, whin my foot slipped and I furled over on the broad of my
back; wid that Tim laughed the more, and Michael run to him, and was
about to give him a tap on the sconce, whin Tim struck Michael a blow in
his bowels, which quite prostrated him on the floor; with that I ran and
got the M.P., who brought the murderin' tief to the station-house.
"_Judge._--Well, Mrs. Flaherty, I think, according to your own story,
the prisoner acted more in his own defence than any other way.
"_Witness._--In his own definse! Bad luck to the tongue that says so.
Is--
"_Judge_ (to prisoner).--Timothy Mulrooney, I am by no means sure that
your cat did not eat the Flahertys' fish with your connivance. If the
cat did so, you did wrong; but for that you are sufficiently punished by
your imprisonment last night. I think you might have been less hasty in
striking Michael. Is Michael in court?
"_Mrs. Flaherty._--He is. Stand up, Michael, before his honor.
"Mrs. Flaherty, Michael and Timothy were standing together in a row.
"_Judge._--Now I am going to insure perfect harmony in your house for
six months to come; I shall bind each of you over in the sum of $200 to
keep the peace.
"This was almost too great a humiliation for the blood of the O'Briens
to bear; but there was no alternative. Mrs. O'Brien Flaherty satisfied
herself as well as she could by looking screw-drivers at the Judge;
Michael appeared demure, and Timothy appeared jolly. The bonds were
given, and the interesting trio left the court.
"The Judge rose from his chair, and made a bee line for breakfast."
During the various narrations which were given during the evening, Mr.
Quackenbush remained seated in the corner, saying nothing and doing as
much. His eyes were partially closed, and an occasional sigh was all
that escaped him.
When Mr. Dropper concluded the reading of his contributions, it was
moved that Mr. Quackenbush open his mouth, and say something, under the
penalty of having it pried open with the poker.
This caused Mr. Quackenbush to open his eyes; and, after various
preliminary hems and coughs, he announced that there was a certain rule
of evidence which gave a witness the right to refuse to say anything
tending to criminate himself. He should avail himself of that rule.
Having said these words, Mr. Quackenbush rolled over on the floor, drew
himself into double bow knot, and was soon snoring against noise.
In the meantime Mr. Spout had taken the floor, and stated that he had on
one occasion been over at the Essex Market Police Court. He was there
the involuntary witness of the trial of a case, which might account for
the non-communicative disposition manifested on the present occasion by
Mr. Quackenbush. During the proceedings, the justice called out the
name of R. Percy De Laney Blobb; and in response to the call a tall
individual arose and came forward. "I thought I recognized in the
individual in question," continued Mr. Spout, "a person whom I had seen
before, and I was not mistaken. He was wild, and disposed to regale the
assembled company with a numerous collection of songs, which he had at
his tongue's end. His dress was much disarranged.
"The evidence of the officer who had arrested the tall gentleman, went
to show that he had offended against the laws, by disturbing the rest
and quiet of an unappreciative neighborhood, by bawling forth at
midnight most unmelodious yells, which, when he was apprehended, he
assured the officer were capital imitations of Sontag, Grisi, and
Grisi's new baby. When arrested the individual was in a plebeian state
of drunkenness--not so much so but that he could sing, as he called it,
and could talk after an original fashion of his own. His ideas were
slightly confused; he informed the officer that he had been to hear
Louisa Crown sing the Pyne Diamonds, and that he met a friend who took
him to a billiard shop to see a clam race; that he and his friend bet
the whisky on the result; that he drunk for both, and that they had
passed the remainder of the evening in a 'magnorious manner,' singing
'Storm Columbus,' 'Yankee Boodles,' and the 'Scar Strangled Bladder.'
"The officer had taken him to the lock-up, where he had finished the
night singing 'Good Old Daniel,' whistling the 'Prima Donna Waltz,' and
playing an imaginary piano-solo on the floor, in which attempt he had
worn off some of his finger-nails. When he was before the court he had
not yet recovered his normal condition. He was still musically
obstinate, and refused to answer any questions of the Judge, or make any
remarks, except in scraps of songs, which he sang in a low voice, mixing
up the tunes in a most perplexing manner. Being possessed of an
excellent memory, and having a large assortment of melodies at his
command, his answers were sometimes more amusing than relevant. The
Judge proceeded to interrogate him somewhat as follows:
"_Judge._--What is your name, sir?
"_Prisoner._--'My name is Robert Kidd, as I sailed'--
"_Indignant Officer._--He lies, your honor. Last night he said his name
was Blobb.
"_Judge._--Where do you live?
"_Prisoner._--'Erin, Erin is my home.'
"_Knowing Officer._--He isn't an Irishman, Judge; he's a Connecticut
Yankee, and lives in East Broadway.
"_Prisoner._--'That's eight times to-day you have kissed me before.'
"_Officer._--Please, your honor, he's an octagonal liar, I didn't.
"_Judge._--Where did you get your liquor?
"_Prisoner._--'Way down south in Cedar street; rinctum'--
"_Judge_ (to officer).--What's that he says?
"_Attentive Officer._--At Ringtown's in Cedar street.
"_Judge._--What number in Cedar street?
"_Prisoner._--'Forty horses in the stable.'
"_Officious Officer._--Ringtown's, No. 40 Cedar street, your honor.
"_Prisoner._--(Voluntary remark, sotto voce.) 'A jay bird sat on a
hickory limb--he winked at me and I winked at him.'
"_Indignant Officer._--Who're you winkin' at?
"_Prisoner._--'Nelly Bly, shuts her eye.'
"_Officer._--You'd better shut your mouth.
"_Judge._--What have you got to say, prisoner?
"_Prisoner._--'Hear me, Norma.'
"_Officer._--Well, go on, go on.
"_Prisoner._--'O blame not the bard.'
"_Judge._--Nobody to blame but yourself.
"_Prisoner._--'Did you ever hear tell of Kate Kearney?'
"_Knowing Officer._--Keeps a place in Mott street, your honor.
"_Prisoner._--'O! O! O! O! O! Sally is the gal for me.'
"_Judge_ (to officer).--Who is Sally? Some disreputable female I
suppose.
"_Officer._--She went up to the Island to-day, sir.
"_Prisoner._--'O tell me, where is Fancy bred.'
"_Judge._--I don't know anything about your fancy bread, if you have
anything to say, go on.
"_Prisoner._--'We'll all go bobbing around.'
"The Judge here became indignant, and demanded if he had a friend to
become bail for him, to which query the prisoner hiccuped out,
"I'll never, never find--a better friend than old dog Tray.'
"_Judge._--Can't take him, he is not responsible.
"_Prisoner._--'I give thee all, I can no more.'
"_Judge._--It won't do, sir, I shall fine you $10.
"_Prisoner._--'That's the way the money goes--pop goes the weasel.'
"_Indignant Officer._--I'll pop you over the head presently.
"_Prisoner._--'There's whisky in the jug.'
"_Officer._--You'll be there, too, shortly.
"_Judge._--If you can't pay you must go to jail.
"_Prisoner._--'Give me a cot in the valley I love.'
"_Judge._--Very well, sir, I'll do it. Tombs, ten days.
"_Prisoner._--'I dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls.'
"The officer was about removing the individual below, when I came to the
rescue, and informed the Judge that the prisoner was a friend of mine,
that this was the first occasion in which he had ever manifested such
eccentricities, and if he would let him off from the punishment this
time, I would take him to his home and see that he never disturbed the
city by his yells in the future.
"The prisoner turned his eyes upon me, and again broke out:
"'Good news from home, good news for me'----
"'Mr. Blobb,' said the Judge, 'if I let you off this time, will you
cease going on these drunken sprees?'
"_Prisoner._--'I'll touch not, taste not, handle not, whate'er
intoxicates.'
"_Judge._--I hope that when we meet again it will be under more
favorable auspices to yourself----
"_Prisoner_ (interrupting).--'Meet me by moonlight alone, and I will
tell thee.'
"_Judge_ (resuming).--For you're in a bad plight now to appear among the
ladies.
"_Prisoner._--'Oh! I'm the boy for bewitching them.'
"_Judge._--Not when you're drunk, I imagine.
"_Prisoner._--'A man's a man, for a' o' that.'
"_Judge._--You may go, sir. Good day.
"_Prisoner._--'Oh, give to me that better word that comes from the
heart, Good bye.'
"I managed to get my friend, Mr. Blobb, out of the court-room, and
subsequently, with some difficulty, I succeeded in putting him to bed in
my apartment, where I kept him for twenty-four hours, until he had
recovered from his temporary aberration. He has since that time been in
a normal state, except that he appears melancholy at times. He is well
enough, however,----