singing an English chorus to a Dutch song; company indignant, Peter
very valiant, but too few in number. Peter fought, Peter kicked, Peter
swore, Peter was overpowered, Peter was elevated in the arms of four
stout Dutchmen above the heads of the company. Exit Peter, through the
window. In leaving the room myself, I, too, received some uncalled-for
aid, but finally rejoined Peter on the sidewalk above.
"I spied the mystic light which told me the Elephantine resort was close
at hand--couldn't fetch it--asked M.P.--he said if we'd tell him the
address he'd show us--tried to recollect it--couldn't exactly make it
out, but said at a venture, corner of Maiden Lane and Canal
street--officer indignant--we finally found the place, tried to come up
still so as to surprise you, but I am willing to admit that attempt to
be a partial failure; we reached the door at last; it wouldn't
open--Peter called it Sebastopol, and proposed that we should storm
it--we resolved ourselves into an attacking party of two, called to our
aid a twelve-feet plank as a battering-ram, and by hard blows persuaded
the door to yield--that broken panel is a forcible example of the power
of moral suasion.
"When I remark that, judging from my present sensations, I should
imagine a six-horse-power threshing-machine to be in the height of
successful operation in my head, immediately over my eyes, there are
perhaps some sympathizing persons in the room, who have experienced the
same delicious sensation, and can therefore 'phancy my pheelinks.'"
The members of the club expressed themselves eminently satisfied with
Mr. Cake's statement of his experience, and the Higholdboy requested
that Mr. Cake should inscribe in the records the said experience, in
order that it might not be lost to future generations. Mr. Cake promised
to do so.
Mr. Spout, being seized with a fit of liberality, ordered punches for
the company, and two of the same kind for Johnny Cake, which Johnny
indignantly refused, saying that, if before his recent experience in
wholesale dissipation, he had disliked alcoholic beverages, such were
his feelings now, that the dislike amounted to an abhorrence. Mr. Spout
said it was all right, as in such case he should drink them all himself.
Mr. Dropper remarked that some two or three years previously, when he
first arrived from Cincinnati, and before he had became fully posted up
in the various phases of unwhipped rascality in New York, he had, on one
occasion, owing to his ignorance, got into the station-house.
A general sentiment as expressed was, that Mr. Dropper should state the
history of the circumstance, or be immediately expelled from the club,
and kicked down stairs, minus his coat, hat, and boots.
Mr. Dropper said that he found it impossible to resist the gentle
persuasions of his companions.
"Fellow quadrupeds," said he, "soon after my arrival in this mass
meeting of bricks and mortar, I read in a morning paper the announcement
of an extraordinary gift enterprise, which some benevolent and
philanthropic individual had set on foot, with the view of making
everybody, in general, and himself, in particular, rich. I thought of
the subject for several days. The idea of securing a farm of three
hundred acres in New Jersey, all in first-rate condition, with houses,
barns, and fences ready-made, at the moderate cost of a dollar, was
rather agreeable than otherwise, and the more I reflected upon the
matter, the more I became satisfied that such a bargain was a
consummation most devoutly to be wished for. One night I went to bed
thinking of the farm. Finally I fell asleep, and
'Sleeping I dreamed, love,
Dreamed love of'----
seeing six cats, each with two tails, and each tail eight feet long,
and afterwards a seventh cat with a bob-tail. When I awoke in the
morning, I attempted to interpret my dream, and I readily found a
meaning. I put the figures together in the order above--that is to say,
six cats, two tails, eight feet long, one cat bob-tail, which latter, I
thought, was equivalent to a nought, and I had the following result:
62810. I concluded that this was the lucky number which was to get the
farm. I posted off immediately to the office of the gift enterprise, and
called for number 62810, and laid down my dollar. The dollar was
accepted, and the ticket was handed me, done up in an envelope. I was
confident of having the title deeds to the premises given me as soon as
the drawing should take place, and as that event was set down for the
next week, and there was no time to be lost, I contracted for thirty-two
head of cattle, and all the necessary farming utensils, in order to be
ready to commence a life of ease and luxury, at the earliest practicable
moment, after the said real estate should come into my possession. I
also advertised for two stout farm-hands, to assist me in following the
prospective agricultural pursuits. I had some three hundred and
sixty-eight answers. I finally engaged two athletic Irishmen, who were
recommended by their late employer as being excellent farm-hands, and
who, in addition, possessed this virtue, that, when drunk, they were
satisfied to abuse one another, and never their employer.
[Illustration]
"The day of the drawing at last came, and I went to the office to get my
deed, for I never doubted a single instant that I had drawn the big
prize. I entered the office, and told the clerk that I would take the
documents.
"'What documents?' said he.
"'Why, my deed of the magnificent country mansion and farm in New
Jersey, with three hundred acres of land, and a house with all the
modern improvements.'
"Gentlemen, I have been, in the course of my life, kicked by a horse,
knocked into a cocked hat by a threshing-machine, and had my hair singed
off by chain-lightning, but neither one of these occurrences so
astounded me as did that red-haired clerk, when he informed me that my
ticket had drawn a gold pen, with a silver holder, and a place in the
top to put pencil-leads in.
"Gentlemen, I was not furious, I was perfectly cool; but when I jumped
over that counter, and laid hands on that red-haired clerk, I will admit
that it was my calmly-settled intention to eat that red-haired clerk for
luncheon, notwithstanding his cock-eye. A hasty glance at the mud on his
boots, and the metal buttons on his coat-tails, caused me to alter my
original amiable intention, and I made up my mind to be gentle with him,
and merely whip him so his mother wouldn't be able to tell him from a
Little Neck clam on a large scale, and then leave him to live through it
if he could.
"I struck him once, and he laid down in a corner among some bottles,
with his head in the gas-meter, and in one minute from that time he was
one universal damage.
"The proprietor being done for, I proceeded to demolish the
establishment; I didn't leave, of the chairs, tables, and desks, a piece
big enough to make a bird-cage, and having turned on all the gas, I was
seriously debating whether I should not set the whole shop on fire, and
sue for the insurance, when the two Irishmen, whom I had engaged to work
my farm, made their appearance. I told them to clear out, to budge,
move on, leave, but they evidently took me for a swindler, and were
bound to pay me off. They pitched into me; our amiable struggle to put
each other's eyes out attracted a crowd; the muss became general;
everybody went in, and before the policemen came there was considerable
music. Nobody was bashful, and the result was four interesting cases of
black eye, a pathetic instance of demolished nose, two lovely examples
of swelled head, an agreeable specimen of peeled shin, seven
illustrations of the beautifying power of finger-nails, when forcibly
applied to the physiognomy, and three convincing exemplifications of the
power of the Irish fist in extracting opposing teeth, without the aid of
forceps or turnkey. The police came at last, and arrested the entire
multitude. That night we slept in the station-house. I don't want to say
anything against the bunks in that station-house, but this I _do_ say,
that if there ever is a bed-bug convention, and that station-house is
not well represented, it won't be because any lack of population
deprives them of the right to a strong delegation; and if, at any
national mass meeting of fleas, they stand in need of ten or fifteen
thousand to make up a quorum, the station-house of that ward can supply
them, without any perceptible decrease of its entomological census.
"In the morning we were conducted before the Justice, but as there were
about forty cases to be heard before mine, I had ample leisure to look
about, and take a realizing sense of the beauties of my situation. The
case of myself and others was at length reached. The officers swore to
the muss, as if the numerous broken heads were not sufficient evidence
that there had been a difference of opinion. One of the Irishmen became
a volunteer liar in his own behalf, but the Justice recognized him as an
old customer, often brought up for drunkenness, and knowing him to be a
reliable liar, he placed his evidence all to my credit, and discharged
me without even a fine, but with the assurance that if I came there
again he would 'send me up.' Not wanting to make any such equivocal
ascension as a matter of experiment, I have kept away from him, and cut
up all my subsequent monkey-shines in another ward, which is out of his
jurisdiction."
After Mr. Dropper closed, there was a brief silence, in which each
member quietly smoked his pipe, apparently reflecting upon the morals of
lotteries. At last Wagstaff inquired who won the farm.
"I forgot that," resumed Dropper. "I learned from an advertisement which
appeared in the daily journals, that ticket number 6281 drew the farm.
This number, you will observe, corresponds with the one I supposed would
be the lucky one, except that in mine a nought was annexed to the four
figures, making it 62810, instead of 6281. My mistake grew out of a
misinterpretation of my dream, in respect to the bob-tailed cat, I
having assumed that the diminutive nether extremity, in this instance,
was equivalent to a nought expressed, whereas, if I had let it remain a
nought understood, and had acted accordingly, I should have been the
lucky man."
"Not so lucky as you imagine," remarked Quackenbush, "for the facts of
that matter I am somewhat familiar with. A country fiddler, living up in
Connecticut, held the ticket which entitled the holder to the real
estate aforesaid. He saw the advertisement, and I being the only
acquaintance he had in the city, he wrote to me to secure the deeds, as
he couldn't raise the money to come down. I called at the office of the
managers of the enterprise, and presented the ticket. They said it was
all right; congratulated me on the luck of my friend, and told me to
call a week from that time, and they would be prepared to execute the
deed. This I thought was very fair, and I left the office. On the
appointed day I called, and found the office closed, as the managers
had sloped."
The conversation then turned upon Police Courts, and the facilities
which they afforded in aiding a person to get glimpses of the elephant.
It was conceded that the experience of Dropper, just related, opened
very fair, and, on the suggestion of Mr. Quackenbush, it was resolved:
1. That the members of the club do make it their business
2. To visit the Police Courts
3. Before the next meeting of the club.
The meeting was adjourned by the club, singing, "We're all jolly good
fellows."
THE POLICE COURTS.
"I do remember Ann--"
A. POTHECARIE.
[Illustration]
SEVERAL evenings passed before all the members of the club again
assembled. In the meantime the quantity of manuscripts had become
unusually large, the members having found that the Police Courts were
prolific in sights of the colossal quadruped. When they did meet it was
whispered that one of the members had had some personal experience, not
only as a spectator but as a prisoner. No questions, however, were
propounded upon the subject, in a tone loud enough for the member in
question to hear, as they desired to allow him to speak of the matter
voluntarily, confess his fault, and receive the forgiveness of his
fellows.
The proceedings of the evening were opened by the Higholdboy, who took
his official seat, announced that the special order of the meeting was
to hear the reports of members who had been present at the sessions of
the Police Courts, with the view of noting down their zoological
features.
The Higholdboy called upon Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale for the result
of their visit to the Police Courts. Wagstaff's notebook was produced,
and the lengthened narratives inscribed therein went to show the
following state of facts.
Wagstaff arose one morning at six precisely, and, after having hit
Dennis with his own wooden leg, and pulled Overdale's eyes open by his
whiskers and hair, announced to them if they were going to visit the
Essex Market Police Court that day, to see the animals, that it was time
to rise. They slipped on their clothing as soon as possible, and
started somewhat sooner. They passed the Odd Fellows Hall, which
Overdale expatiated upon at some length as an extensive log-chain
factory. He formed his conclusion from seeing three links of chain
represented in a conspicuous part of the building. The Westchester House
he informed them was Washington's head quarters, and under this belief
they stopped some time to look at it, and speak of it in connection with
the many stories related of that interesting relic of the architecture
of the last century.
They arrived at length at the Essex Market, in the upper part of which
the police magistrate of that judicial district sits in a big chair, for
the purpose of dealing out retail justice and getting a wholesale
living.
The trio ascended into the court-room, where the justice was seated,
disposing of the hard cases which had accumulated during the night.
Overdale was still communicative. In answer to the inquiries of Dennis,
he informed that gentleman that the police clerks were associated
justices, that the prisoner's cage was the jury-box, and pointed out the
prisoners themselves as the jury. The humble member of the police, who
is known as the doorman, Overdale said answered well the description of
the Chief of the Police, contained in one of the historic works of John
McLenan. Dennis inquired where the prisoners were. Overdale was unable
to answer, but at last expressed it as his opinion that the persons who
were standing about them must "be the malefactors." Dennis said he never
could satisfactorily account for the jurors being tried, and sent out of
the room in charge of officers, but he had too much confidence in the
extensive knowledge and vast intelligence of Overdale, to suppose that
his hirsute friend could possibly be mistaken. In consequence of this
misplaced confidence on the part of Wagstaff and Dennis, the notebook of
the former was filled with notes of the trials of the different members
of the jury.
One case of which Wagstaff took full notes, was that of Edward Bobber, a
seafaring man, of very peculiar appearance, possessing some remarkable
characteristics of manner, dress, speech, looks, and action. He was
charged with being drunk. In the way of physical beauty, Edward was
decidedly a damaged article. He had lost one arm by a snake-bite, and
been deprived of an eye by the premature explosion of a pistol, which
broke his spectacles at the same time it extinguished his sinister
optic. The unexpected descent of a ship-mate, from the tops, upon his
head, had turned his neck so that he seemed to be keeping a perpetual
look out over his shoulder with his remaining eye. His nose resembled a
half-ripe tomato, and a pair of warty excrescences hung upon his face,
as if some one had shot a couple of marbles at him, which had stuck to
him for life. His complexion bore a close resemblance to the outside of
a huckleberry-pudding. His teeth, which were unusually long, projected
backward, as if they had taken a start to grow down his throat. This
last peculiarity was, undoubtedly, one cause of a remarkable singularity
of speech, which seriously impaired his natural facility of
conversation. Some idiosyncrasy of disposition, probably, had also
something to do with this lingual embarrassment, but certain it is, that
Mr. Edward Bobber never answered one question until he was asked
another, to which last he would give the reply intended for query number
one. Whether his mental faculties needed always a second-interrogative
punching up, or whether the fangs projecting downward retained one
answer until displaced by another, Wagstaff and his friends were unable
to decide; but they truly believe that an inquiry propounded to Edward
Bobber, aforesaid, would have remained unanswered until doomsday, unless
a second question followed the first.
A transcript of a conversation between him and the Clerk of the Court
reads as follows:
"_Clerk._--Where were you born?
"The prisoner removed his solitary orb from its guardianship, over his
left shirt sleeve, rolled it slowly round until it commanded a fair view
of the questioner, but said nothing. The clerk, nothing daunted,
continued:
"'How long have you been in this country?'
"The face assumed a look of intelligence, and answer No. 1 came out.
"_Edward._--Broome County.
"_Clerk._--How old are you?
"_Edward._--Two years.
"_Clerk._--How long have you been drunk?"
"_Edward._--Thirty-four years, seven months, and nine days.
"_Clerk._--Where did you get your liquor?
"_Edward_ (rolling his eye toward the Judge).--Been on a spree four
days.
"_Judge_ (very indignant).--Did you say I've been on a spree?
"_Edward._--Old Mother Bidwell's, down in Mott street.
"_Clerk._--Do you mean hereafter to treat this Court respectfully?
"_Edward._--No, sir; I hope not.
"_Officer with red hair._--If you ain't crazy, I'm a jack-ass.
"_Edward._--Yes, sir, of course.
"The excited Judge here commenced making out his commitment, but the
Clerk, who began to see the fun, thought best to ask him a few more
questions first, and accordingly inquired of Bobber what he traded in,
as he seemed to own a sloop. The prisoner, who had been cogitating upon
the last remark of the red-haired officer until he had waxed wroth,
burst out:
"'Jack-ass! jack-ass! yes, you _are_ a jack-ass; not a doubt of it.'
"_Clerk._--Come, tell me what kind of liquor did you drink yesterday?
"_Edward._--Soap, candles, coffee, bar-lead, chickens, coal, pine
kindling-wood, smoked hams, and white-wood shingles--
"_Judge_ (interfering).--Prisoner, you are only getting yourself into
trouble. My patience will give out. I can't stand everything. Do you
think I'm made of patience?
"_Edward._--Whisky; nothing but whisky, sir; upon my honor.
"The last answer proved too much for the gravity of the Court. The
Judge, the Clerk, the attendant officers, and all smiled audibly. A
whispered word from the Clerk explained to the Justice the true state of
the case. Edward was discharged, and as he departed from the
court-room, an officer, two blocks away, heard him, in answer to a
request for a penny proffered by a little girl, give what was
undoubtedly intended as a detailed reply to the last interrogative
remark of the Police Justice."
The case of Mr. Palmerston Hook, which was also reported in Wagstaff's
notebook, would seem to indicate that there was more than one way of
catching fish.
"Mr. Hook was brought up as a vagrant. He was a smooth-faced individual,
about old enough to vote, dressed in rather grotesque, flashy clothes,
very much worn. The sleeves of his coat were quite large, in accordance
with the prevailing style. But they served a purpose of utility, as was
developed by the evidence, in a rather novel profession which Mr. Hook
followed.
"The principal witness was Mr. James Skinner, a very respectable dealer
in Catherine Market, who devotes his time and talents to purchasing eels
from the catchers thereof and selling the same to citizens and others
who desire to enjoy the luxury of eating eels, either fried or done up
in the form of pie or any other form. Mr. Skinner has obtained for
himself an enviable popularity as a man of integrity. It has never been
said of him that he ever sold an eel whose recent advent upon dry land
from the salt water was a matter of serious question; and to think that
Mr. Palmerston Hook should have selected Mr. Skinner's stock to
depredate upon is a matter of some surprise. Mr. Skinner testified as
follows:
"'This 'ere feller came to my eel-stand yes'day mornin' and asked me how
eels was? Sez I, 'Good as usu'l,' and I axed him if he wanted to buy.
Sez he, 'How much?' Says I, 'Eight'n pence.' Sez he, 'Is them all yer
got?' Sez I, 'Yis.' Ye see, jest before this feller come up, I counted
'em and there was 'zactly 'lev'n. Then this 'ere feller he 'gun to paw
'em over, and kinder jumble 'em up together, which I thowt was wery
funny; and at last, sez he, 'Guess I won't take none this mornin'.' He
acted so kinder sneakin' that I thowt he wasn't all right, and 'fore he
got out of sight I counted the eels an' found one on 'em was missen. I
put for this 'ere feller and ketched him at the corner, an' I found my
'spicions was right, for on searchin' the chap I found a neel up in 'is
coat-sleeve.'
"_Judge._--How did he keep the eel up in his sleeve?
"_Mr. Skinner._--Well, that was done in a kinder 'genus way; he had a
fish'ook on the end of a line, an' the line was run up the right
coat-sleeve, over 'is shoulder, an' it come down inside of 'is coat on
the left side, an' he come up to the stand, an' wen he was a kinder
pawin' over the eels he was a ketchin' the fish'ook in the tail of the
eel, an' as soon as it was ketched in he pulled the line with his left
'and an' drawed the eel up inter 'is sleeve; an' as soon as it was
drawed up he stopped pawin' an' left, an' 'ere's the fish'ook an' line
wot I found on 'im; an' I think he oughter be sent to Blackwell's Island
for bein' a wagrant.
"_Judge._--Hook, what have you got to say for yourself?
"_Mr. Hook._--I 'aven't got nothin' to say honly I vos wery 'ungry and
vas a lookin' along in the market ven I 'appened to see the heels vot
this 'ere hold cock 'ad. Sez I to m'self, sez I, now, I'll hax the price
and mebbee the hole voman may vant von if they's cheap. Vell, I 'appened
t'ave a 'ook and line in my coat, vich I spose haccidentally got ketched
in von of the heels, and ven I left to go and tell the hole voman 'ow
cheap they vas, it 'ung on to the 'ook.
"_Judge._--That's a pretty story to tell me. Do you suppose I am going
to believe it?
"_Mr. Hook._--On the honor of a gentleman that vas the vay it 'appened.
"_Judge._--At any rate, I shall send you up for three months.
"_Mr. Hook._--Bust me, I honly vish you 'ad to try it three months
yourself, you vouldn't think it vas quite so funny.
"Mr. Palmerston Hook was conducted below.
"Another interesting feature of the proceedings during the morning grew
out of the case of Mr. Wallabout Warbler, whose name was the last
called.
"Mr. Warbler had reached the last stages of shabby gentility. Time had
told sadly on his garments, originally of fine material and fashionable
cut. His black, curly hair was whitened out by contact with whitewash,
and his nose had become a garden for the culture of blossoms by far more
common than they are proper. But Mr. Warbler, despite the reverses which
he had evidently suffered, stood proudly and gracefully erect. If the
external man was in a state of dilapidation, the spirit still was
unhurt. He smiled gracefully when the Judge addressed him and told him
that he was charged with having been arrested in a state of drunkenness.