the railroad, and when I got tu the shed where the railroad stops, I
got out. A feller stepped up to me as important as a bantam cock after
he has crowed for the first time, and asked me where I wanted to go. I
told him I wanted tu go tu a first-rate tarvern. He said that idea was
ridiculous; that they never allowed distinguished strangers tu go tu
tarverns, and, unless he was mistaken, I was something above the common
folks from the rooral deestricts. I told him I was supervisor of the
town where I was born and brought up, in the St. Lawrence country. He
said he was thunderin' glad to hear it, as he himself was something of a
high cockalorum of New York. He insisted upon my gittin' intu the
carriage and goin' tu his private dwellin', as it would be vulgar tu go
tu tarverns. I asked him if the St. Nicholas Hotel was common. He said
that nobody but those that wasn't no great shakes went there. We finally
come to a real big, purty stun house, and the man jumped off from the
carriage. He told me again that if he was rich he wasn't proud, and it
was a way he had of always ridin' outside and drivin'. I told him I
always done so, only in the consarn I had they all rode outside, for the
reason that there warn't no inside. With that he larfed, and said that
all folks didn't have jest the same way of doin' things, and we went tu
the door. A nigger come and opened the door, and we went in. There was
about twenty gentlemen, fixed off tu kill, and a table sot with bottles,
and everything as slickery as could be. The man who brought me took me
tu a fine-looking gentleman and told me that he was his brother, that he
was obleeged tu go out on business connected with his office, but that
he would be back by 11 o'clock; he said his brother would see tu me, and
do the scrumptious while he was gone; well, we set down to the table; he
was orful kind, for he helped me tu everything he could on the
table--all kinds of chicken-fixens and gingerbread arrangements; he then
asked me tu take a glass of wine; I told him I was a little tew much of
a temperance man for that; he said certainly he wouldn't ask me if I had
any scrooples agin' it; he asked me if I was opposed to drinkin' cider;
I said no, if it was sweet; he said that they had got in, about a week
before, a barrel of sweet cider, which had jest enough snap in it tu
make it taste good; he told the nigger to take a bottle of wine up
stairs tu his sick nephew, and tu bring a pitcher full of cider up
stairs from the new barrel; the nigger left with the bottle and the
pitcher, and in about five minutes came back intu the room with the
pitcher full of the slickest cider I ever seen; I drunk some of it, and
it tasted so good that I drunk more; when I had taken almost enough,
the gentleman asked me tu go into the back room where a lot of men was a
setting around a table, holdin' little round pieces of bone in their
hands and puttin' 'em down, and another man was fumblin' with some
pieces of paper; I asked him if they wasn't playin' cards, 'cause I
thought they looked as if they was; he said no, that they was Wall
street stock-dealers, and that the pieces of bone stood for so many
shares of stock; he asked if I wouldn't like to become a stock-jobber,
and he said there was a power of money tu be made at the business; I
said I guessed not, but he seemed tu be anxious tu do a little at it
himself, and he asked me to lend him a hundred dollars which he would
give back tu me when his brother came; after he had give me three or
four more glasses of cider, which, by this time, he poured out of
bottles, I handed him my money-puss and told him tu help himself; he
opened it and took out all there was in it, which was ten dollars; he
asked me if that was all I had got, and I told him that my calculations
bad been jest right; that when I started from hum I had an idee that I
should land with jest ten dollars in my puss; he then asked me if I had
brought any checks or drafts, and I told him no; so he said he would
borrow the ten, and he went into the stock business pretty heavy, and I
watched to see how he made in the speculation, but after takin' three or
four more glasses of that cider, I kinder lost the run of the
speculation; he then said it would be a good idee tu go out and get some
fresh air, which we did, after taking a little more of that cider; as we
went along the streets, I thought that we didn't have tu move our
feet--that the street moved up and down tu save us the trouble; the
houses kinder got to playin' blind man's buff, and the streets got to
heaving up and down orfully, and when I was wonderin' what on airth made
it, I missed the gentleman; that, squire, is about all I recollect; but
the fun of the matter is this, that I was cute enough not tu tell the
gentleman I had three hundred dollar bills tucked behind the strap of my
boot, in the leg.'
"Mr. Pettingill then took one of his boots from the floor, drew out the
three hundred dollar bills, and held them up as a triumph of St.
Lawrence cuteness.
"'Now,' said he, 'squire, I want you tu show me a tarvern where nobody
won't want tu borrow money of me. I am a little 'spicious of that man's
brother. I don't believe he intended to pay me.'
"I told him that his present quarters were as desirable, in all points
of view, as any he could find in the city, after which I informed him,
much to his astonishment, that he had been taken to a gambling-house,
and it was owing to his 'cuteness,' which, it seems, did not forsake him
when drunk, that he had not lost all his money.
"Mr. Pettingill thanked me for the part I had taken in his behalf, and
gave me a pressing invitation to come to his place in St. Lawrence
county, next summer, and spend a month with him, all of which I promised
to do, if it was possible."
Mr. Quackenbush was congratulated on his good fortune in coming across
that particular species of the elephant, whose nature and
characteristics he had so happily and correctly delineated in his paper.
It was moved by Mr. Dropper that a copy of the contribution be requested
from Quackenbush, to make cigar-lighters of, and that the original be
deposited in the big room of the American Institute, as a specimen of
bad chirography.
Mr. Q. said he would see them blowed first.
Mr. Van Dam next proceeded with his contribution:
"A few evenings since," said he, "as I was passing through one of the
streets of Gotham, I observed a crowd collected near a corner grocery.
Thinking that an opportunity was afforded to see something worth taking
a note of, I ran for the spot in time to see the difficulty. I found
there a man, holding with each hand a boy, and both of the juveniles
making frantic efforts to release themselves from his grasp. The man was
a small, cadaverous-appearing individual, a compound of gamboge and
chalk, the gamboge predominating. There was a tinge of yellow in his
face, he had yellow hair, and he had on a suit of summer clothes, made
of some yellow material. Nature had favored him with a dwarfed
moustache, composed of twenty-eight yellow hairs, and also an incipient
beard, made up of seventy-six yellow hairs, and turned out in the shape
of a triangle, the base of which rested upon the chin, at the point
where it begins to retreat, and the apex of which reached the middle of
his under lip.
"The appearance of the boys would indicate that they were of Irish
birth. One had a squint-eye and a head of hair which the youth of
America are accustomed to designate as 'brick-top.' His snub nose was
ordinarily directed to an imaginary point in the heavens, about
forty-five degrees above the horizon. His garments were not altogether
the style which would be pronounced _au fait_, by a Broadway leader of
the fashion. It would seem that he had only one purpose in view in
jumping into the aforesaid garments, which purpose was, not to create a
sensation, either by the accuracy of their fit, or the newness of the
material, but rather to cover his form, and keep out the cold, at such
times as the clerk of the weather was induced to fetch up "heated terms"
all standing, and give us a specimen of the temperature, perhaps
somewhat mollified, which is supposed to exist in the immediate vicinity
of Symmes Hole. The description of one of the boys will do very well for
the other, except that in some particulars he was a little more so, and
in others a little less, which statement, gentlemen, I consider
sufficiently definite for all practical purposes.
"The sympathies of the bystanders seemed to be decidedly in favor of the
boys, who were so violent in their resistance that the man could hold
them only with great difficulty. Once they tripped him, and then all
three fell over a barrel of turnips, upsetting a barrel-cover containing
apples; but the man was enabled to continue his hold on the boys. At
last, when one of them, by tangling his leg around the man, upset him
into a tub of pickles, the man called out, in a shrill voice, 'Vatch!
vatch!' All this transpired amid the shouts of the lookers-on. 'Go in,
blinky,' said one. 'Keep a going, sour krout,' said another; and various
were the remarks of this character which were heard. But, as usual, the
police were not at hand, and the sequel proved that their absence was
rather to be desired than otherwise. Notwithstanding the fact that the
sympathies of the crowd were apparently in favor of the boys, yet the
general feeling seemed to be that the merits of the case should be
understood, and when the boys made an effort to escape, they were
prevented; and when the vanquished German had extricated himself from
the pickle-tub, one of the persons asked what the boys had done.
"'Do,' said the grocery-keeper, 'dey do so much as to sends dem to de
States brison. Dey is de vorst poys as runs in de shtreets. De oder
night dey comes here to mine shtore-crocery a koople of times, and ven I
vas not see dem, dey ketch my cats by de dails, and dies vire-crackers
to de cat's dail, on de shtep-valk, and den sets vire to de crackers,
and trows de cats down. Den de cats she runs like de tuyvel into de
shtore so much scare. She yump all around on de counters, over into de
barrels, breaks into bieces some new bottles vat I buy yust, sets vire
to some paper vat vas lay on de counters, tumbles over ebery dings vat
vas in de vay, and gets all shplitter shplatter mixed up togedder. I
find some shweet oil bottles shpill in de box fon green dea; she knock
down fom de shelf a big match-box, vich hold a gross fon matches, and
dey go off and shmell so vorse mit primstone as if de tuyvel had moved
into mine shtore-crocery, and I can't tell you so much damage as it do;
and ven I look for de cats, I find her about an hour rolled up in a
pasket fon green beas, mit all de hair scorch off de pehind side fon
her. Dis vas on Saturday night vill be two veeks.'
"'Why didn't you catch them then?' asked one of the party.
"'Ketch dem,' said the grocery-man; 'pefore I vas get over mine scare,
dey vas run avay, and you might yust so vell try to find a needle mit a
hay-shtacks as to find dem. But I tells de constopples about dem, and
dey say dey vill look out for dem. Vell, two tree days go by, and von
morning I comes down shtairs to unlocks de door fon mine shtore-crocery.
De key vas in de inside de door, and ven I durns dem round to unlock dem
yust, I hears some-dings shoot off on de oder side de door. I vas much
scare, and I runs up shtairs, for I dinks some feller vants to shoot me,
and I sends my vife out de oder door to look round on de shtep-walk, and
see who vas dere. Ven she come back she say der bin no beeples dere, and
so I go vonce more to unlocks de door. I durns de key so quick as I can,
ven pop! crack! shoot! I hears again de noise. I vas so much scare dat
I falls over, and I bulls de door open. Ven I finds I vas not shoot, I
looks in de lock and finds dere some bieces baper, vat you make de
little vite vire-crackers--you call'----
"'Torpedoes,' suggested one of the persons present.
"'Yes, dorpedoes,' resumed the German, 'dat's the name.'
"'How do you know these boys put torpedoes in your lock?' asked one.
"'I know it so vell as I vants to know,' was the response.
"'Did you see 'em do it, or did anybody else? was the next question.
"'No, I did not see dem do it, but I know it was dem I can, shvear it
vas dem,' said the confident accuser.
"'Pretty good swearin,' said a man in a red shirt. 'Say, old sour
krout,' he continued, 'what else have the boys done?'
"'Mine Gott!' said the corner grocery-man, despairingly, 'is dat not
enough vat I have tell you? Ven I go out my shtore-crocery for a minute,
vonce dey durns de shpiggot fon de lager bier and vinegar parrells, and
dey runs out in de floor and vaste; ven doy see me in de shtreets dey
calls me '_Old nicht's cum araus, sour kraut, sprech Deutsch._' Dey
finds dead rats, and trovs dem on mine awning till dey shmells so bad;
dey brings an old barber's pole, and sets dem up before mine
shtore-crocery, on vich vas paint, 'shaving done here,' and ven de
beeples see de sign, dey laughs and say good, and it make all mine
customers dink dat I cheat dem.'
"'Is that all?' inquired a bystander.
"'No,' said the German, emphatically, 'I can tell you more as dat.'
"'But how do you know these boys did all these things,' inquired
another.
"'All de beeples say dey is de fellers,' was the reply.
"'What did they do to-night?' inquired another of the crowd.
"'Vell I tell you dat,' said the persecuted merchant. To night I vas
shtand in front von mine shtore, to talk mit a carman, who have bring
some dings to me. Pretty soon, he get on his cart and drive off, and ven
he shtart, a parrell von botatoes, dat shtand on de edge fon de
shtep-valk, tip over in de shtreet, and de botatoes fall out and
shcatter about, and the parrell it go yumping along de shtreets, mit de
cart; I holler for de carman and he shtop. Ven I go to see, I find dat a
rope vas tie round the parrel, and hitch to de cart-veel close; vell, I
bick up de botatoes, and put de parrel vonce more on de shtep-valk, and
keep vatch. Soon I see dese boys come along, and dey look at me mit de
tuyvel in deir eyes, and I know it vas dem. Yust den I run and ketch
dem.'
"The details of the case being pretty well understood, it became a
question with the crowd what should be done. The general opinion was
that the boys were wrong in their continued annoyances of the Dutchman,
though they did not think the case was one sufficiently aggravated to
justify their being turned over either to the police or to the vengeance
of the grocery-man. At last a portly old Knickerbocker, who had laughed
heartily at the Dutchman's narration, essayed to act as spokesman.
"'What's your name,' said he to one of the boys with assumed gravity.
"'Mike Hannegan,' said he, 'and this 'ere boy is Barney Doolan.'
"'Oh, you young rascals,' continued the gentleman, 'you deserve to be
arrested for your bad ways. You are very bad boys, you know you are,
whether you are the ones who have bothered the Dutchman or not. He
guessed right, I think, in supposing you to be the boys. But if these
gentlemen will let you off, will you stop troubling him in the future?'
"'Yes, sir,' said both of the boys, meekly.
"'Then cut stick, both of you,' said he.
"Just then an individual with a remarkable loaferish air, dressed in a
blue single-breasted frock coat, with a row of military buttons, a blue
cap with silver mountings, and a brass star on his breast--an
individual, in brief, known as a policeman--arrived on the spot, and
inquired what was the trouble. After informing him that he was a day
after the fair, I left the vicinity."
When Mr. Van Dam concluded, on motion of Mr. Boggs it was
_Resolved_, that the members of the club do now proceed, each man for
himself, to light his pipe.
The resolution was acceded to without a dissenting voter.
Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale, as usual, had been investigating in
company, Overdale taking the lead, and Wagstaff taking notes, and all
three occasionally taking egg-noggs.
A unanimous call was made for Wagstaff's notebook, which was immediately
forthcoming.
The reading of Mr. Wagstaff's notes was prefaced by statements on the
part of Dennis and Overdale which made the following facts apparent to
the club. The previous evening the three went into a Greenwich street
bar-room, on the invitation of Overdale to pay a visit to Delmonico's,
to get a piece of pie and some cigars. Whilst partaking of the order, a
singular person entered the room. His beauty was decidedly of the
yard-stick character. He was long as a projected Iowa railroad, and as
symmetrical as a fence-rail; his face was as expressionless as the head
of Shakspeare which is seen on the drop-curtain of the Broadway Theatre,
surrounded by a triple row of attenuated sausages. His square and
angular shoulders made him resemble a high-shouldered pump, while his
arms moved with as much ease and grace as the handle to the same. Long,
black hair, parted in the middle, was soaped down until the oleaginous
ends reposed upon the unctuous collar of his seedy coat. His
shirt-collar, guiltless of starch, was unbuttoned at the neck and laid
far back over his vest, doubtless to display a neck which, had it been
cut off, was long enough to tie.
He had seated himself, and had settled down into a misanthropic quiet,
when a little stubby man, with one eye--the very ideal of a Washington
market butcher--happened to enter. As soon as the first-mentioned
subject saw him, he jumped up, rushed at the stubby man, and had hardly
touched him, before a blow from the fist of the stubby man caused him
to collapse on the floor. The stubby man followed up his success by
pulling the nose of his fallen enemy, and threatening to give him a
"tolerable shake-up, if he ever came round his shop agin'."
The conflict was brief, as it soon drew in quite a crowd, and amongst
others a policeman. The tall man was pointed out as the aggressor, but
the stubby man said "he didn't want to appear agin' the crack-brained
cuss; that he guessed he (the said cuss) had got the worst of it."
But the assembled multitudes were not satisfied. They thought it was due
to them that they should have an explanation, and as the tall individual
seemed anxious, and the stubby individual didn't make any objections, a
ring was formed to give the parties a chance to be heard.
The stubby man said that while the other was "exercisin' his jaw, he'd
have some ham'neggs;" whilst he was eating, the tall individual told his
story, which was one of blighted hopes, disappointed expectations,
unrequited love, and unappreciated genius. Wagstaff's notes of his words
read as follows:
"'My name is Julius Jenkins, and I have a cousin named Betsey Brown; I
love my cousin Betsey; have always loved my cousin Betsey, from the time
when as children we tore in loving partnership our mutual pantalets and
petticoats (for these legs once wore pantalets, and their symmetry was
hidden from admiration by petticoats), looking for blackberries in a
cedar-swamp; from the time we sucked eggs together in the barn-yard and
'teetered' in happy sport upon the same board; from the time we built
playhouses in the garden and made puppy-love behind the currant bushes;
from those happy days of rural felicity until the present time, my
cousin Betsey has been the ideal of my soul. We used to eat bread and
milk out of the same bowl, dig angleworms with the same shovel, go
fishing in the same creek, steal apples from the same orchard, and crawl
through the same hole in the fence when the man chased us. Through all
my lonely life the memory of cousin Betsey has been my guardian angel. I
have been exposed to dire temptations; once I was reduced to such
extremity that I was about to earn my dinner by sawing wood, but my
cousin Betsey seemed to rise before me and say, "Julius, don't degrade
yourself;" and I didn't. I cast the saw to the earth, and begged my
dinner from a colored washerwoman. I once accepted a situation as a
clerk in a retail grocery. I stayed a week, but on every barrel of
sugar, on every bar of soap, in every keg of lard, in each individual
potato, in every bushel in all the cellar, I saw the reproachful face
of my cousin Betsey; it rose before me from the oily depths of the
butter-firkin, and from the cratery interior of the milk-can; the very
peanuts rose up in judgment against me, and had on each separate end a
speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't
degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I
packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed
from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and
vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey;
I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and
then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt! he thought I meant it
for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned
it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong
end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the
eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at
the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from
appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager
with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep
the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned
composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my
oratorio of "The Ancient Applewoman" before the public; at last my
cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to
possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote
letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon,
but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so
valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were
limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never
afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I
resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with
the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate
female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my
song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me
to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the
money into the earth, but thought again, picked it up and purchased
some brandy to nerve me for a desperate deed; I had resolved to see that
butcher, to meet that butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that
butcher, to conquer that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that
butcher's shop to execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came
in here in despair; who should come in but the butcher; now was my
chance; I rushed at him, but my personal strength was not equal to the
task; he boxed my ears, pulled my nose, and I was cheated out of my
revenge, simply because I wasn't able to lick him. Now I demand of this
intelligent assembly, as a matter of right, the instant annihilation of
the one-eyed butcher now present, the author of all my miseries, that my
Betsey may be restored to me.'
[Illustration]
"Mr. Jenkins sank into a chair, exhausted by his effort.
"The butcher wiped his chops on a red silk handkerchief, and then
proceeded to tell his story, which was as follows, as appears by
Wagstaff's notes;
"'This here feller's allers botherin' my wife, 'cause he says she's
his'n; yesterday he gits drunk, comes in my place, and wants to fight
me. I told him to leave, and he wouldn't, so I hussled him out. I
happened to come in here jus' now, and he comes at me. I doubles him
up, and that's the hull story.'
"The laconic statement of the one-eyed stubby butcher satisfied the
parties assembled that Mr. Jenkins's insane pursuit of another man's
wife had justly brought upon him the indignation of the husband, and he
was advised very generally, in the future, to cease all importunities of
a similar character.
"Finding that his story excited no sympathy in his behalf, Mr. Jenkins
left the place in disgust, and the three Elephantines soon after left in
an omnibus."
Mr. Spout here arose, and said he liked the story in all of its parts,
except the concluding joke, which he considered to be, not only unkind,
but uncalled for. He should take the liberty of considering it expunged
from the records.
Some member here dared to suggest that it was high time that the
Higholdboy should do something else than criticise the contributions of
his fellow-members.
Mr. Spout desired it to be understood that he should admit of no
dictation from inferiors; that he should exercise his own discretion in
deciding whether he would contribute to the amusement of others, or
criticise them in their efforts to be jolly. Yet, without giving up any
of this right, he would volunteer to lay before the club, on the
present occasion, a matter which, to him, possessed some points of
interest, and as he didn't care whether it interested the others or not,
he should state facts for his own amusement. He intended to laugh at
everything which he thought was funny, without any reference to the
comfort of others.
"The circumstance which I am about to relate," said Mr. Spout, "is one
in which a friend of mine was involved. My friend's name," he continued,
"is Bartholomew Buxton. He is the owner of a book-store, and was led
into that business on account of a thirst for reading. He is a man of
about thirty-five years, and his whole life has been passed in poring
over books. I regard him as a man of very rare intelligence, though his
intellect is not, perhaps, very fruitful of original thoughts. What is
remarkable with him is his personal appearance. He is a little man, just
large enough to be entitled to enter the army--that is to say,
'five-foot-four.' His body is very small, and his head very large,
round, and full. His hair is of a sandy color, and of the scratch wig
order of cut. His eyes are small, and one of them squints frightfully.
His complexion is quite pale. In the matter of dress, he wears usually a
pair of pants of a checker-board-pattern-on-a-large-scale cloth, blue
dress-coat, ornamented with large fancy brass buttons, and a vest--a
double-breaster--of the brightest scarlet. But these eccentricities in
apparel would hardly attract attention so long as the main feature of
his dress is visible. That feature is his collar. It is a remarkable
collar--a mighty rampart of linen, which encircles his head in a line
with the centres of his ears, almost meeting in his face. Numerous
reasons have been assigned for Mr. Buxton's going to such lengths (or
rather heights) in his indulgence in collar. One idea advanced is, that
he is actuated by a desire to economize in the expenses of washing, and
to do this, has the garments made in such a way as to be convertible
into collars at either end. Another suggestion is, that the collar is a
matter of utility, designed by Mr. Buxton to economize physical
strength, which, inasmuch as his head is very large and his body very
small, must be overtaxed to hold his ponderous brain-box erect.