mounted on a platform, preaching to a crowd, who seemed, by their
vermicular contortions, to be possessed of a legion of eely devils. On
the west side, a fat wench was stirring up the fire under a big kettle
of soup, seemingly composed principally of onions and ham; in a sly
corner a red-shirt b'hoy was displaying the mysterious evolutions of
the "little joker," and two small specimens of ebony juvenility were
playing euchre on a basswood log; opposite to these, mounted on a cider
barrel, a molasses-colored gentleman was going through a rather
extraordinary performance; he had preached till his audience had all
left him; then shouted "Hallelujah," and "Glory," till he was hoarse;
had sung hymns in a spasmodic whisper till his voice gave entirely out,
and now, in despair at being unable to speak, yet compelled to work off
his superabundant religion, as if he were a locomotive with too big a
head of steam on, he was dancing on one leg, and kicking the other about
in a kind of perpetual pigeon-wing, and tossing his arms upwards in a
wild and original manner, as if he was using his utmost endeavors to
climb to heaven on an invisible tarred rope.
To the shouts of the men, and the screams of the women who had got too
much religion, was added the laughter of the outsiders, who hadn't got
enough religion, and the swearing of the gamblers, who hadn't got any
religion; and to complete the harmony, from a neighboring pasture was
wafted the roars of a herd of cattle, applauding, in their own peculiar
manner, an extemporaneous bull-fight.
Mr. Dropper gave it as his opinion, that camp-meeting religion, if
analyzed, would be found to consist of equal parts of rum, rowdyism, and
insanity. As, however, it was deemed improper to decide without a
complete examination of the premises, it was resolved to proceed in
company to explore the place.
Quackenbush, who had resumed his nap on the grass, was roused, and after
getting the grasshoppers out of his hair, the sand-flies out of his
ears, and pulling off his boots to look for centipedes, he was declared
ready for active duty, and they proceeded on their march.
They found in a side hut of more pretentious appearance than the rest,
that there was something unusual going on, and upon inquiring,
discovered that one of the fragrant flock having transgressed, he was
then having his trial before the "session."
The party moved on to where the minister in his shirt-sleeves was
edifying a small, but select, not to say noisy, congregation. The
audience seemed to be affected much in the same manner as a strong shock
of electricity will stir up a crowd of boys who have all got hold of the
same wire. As there seemed to be a prospect of fun, the Elephants made a
temporary halt to witness the same.
The sermon was now concluded, and the shirt-sleeve-man kneeled down on
the platform and began to pray; he must have had no inconsiderable
amount of similar exercise before, for the knees of his pantaloons were
worn entirely through, and there was a large hole behind where he had
sat upon his heels.
No sooner had he fairly commenced praying than some of the more
energetic in the crowd began to groan; when he made a thorny point, and
said something about the "arrow of conviction," some fat wench would
sing out "Glory;" when he put in a touch about hell fire and other
torrid climates, they would cry out "Yes, Lord." And when he put in an
extra lick about repentance, and death, and damnation, and other
pleasant luxuries, the whole crowd fairly screamed with excitement.
At length a powerful darkey, with a head like a cord of No. 1 curled
hair, and with nothing on to hide his black anatomy but a pair of thin
breeches and a blue shirt, began to give unequivocal manifestations of
the workings of his faith; first he kicked a woman with his right leg,
then he kicked a little boy with his left, then he punched one of the
brethren in the stomach, then he stepped on the toes of a grey-haired
class-leader, but, as both were barefooted, no harm was done; then he
yelled like seven Indians, and howled like seven Irishmen, and danced
about like a whole regiment of crazy Dutchmen. When he opened his mouth,
the minister dodged the yawning chasm, and the man fell down and
sprawled about in the mud, striking about with his arms and legs, as if
he were swimming on a bet, and was only two minutes from the stake-boat.
At last he ceased to move, and stiffened out as if he had suddenly
swallowed a rifle-barrel, which stuck in his throat like Macbeth's amen.
The damaged brethren gathered round; the sisters, after giving their
injured shins a consoling rub, also came to the rescue, and the man was
picked up. He was foaming at the mouth; his teeth were set together so
that a fence-stake was required to pry them apart; his shirt was
unbuttoned (his pantaloons had unbuttoned themselves); a pailful of
water out of the nearest frog-pond was dashed in his face, and he soon
so far recovered himself as to ask for corn whisky. All immediately
sang, with a strong chorus, a thanksgiving hymn, that his soul was
saved; though what connection there was between corn whisky and
salvation puzzled the Elephantines some, if not more.
When this interesting episode in the day's performance was concluded,
the participants picked themselves up, and prepared to again besiege
Satan in his stronghold, the north side of Sebastopol of the hearts of
sinful niggers. Singing was the first feature, and the hymn was of a
style unique, and, to the Elephants, highly refreshing. In point of
comparison they had never known anything like it, and the execution was
incomparable to anything known to exist by them. An athletic colored
individual sang the words of the hymn, and, after each verse, the whole
congregation would join in the swelling chorus.
The effect of the hymn was electric. No less than twenty-seven colored
females were seized with spasmodic religion, whilst over a dozen of the
sterner sex found themselves unable to longer resist the thirsting of
the spirit for religious nourishment, and they, too, fell over, and,
amid the howling, kicking, singing, shouting and indescribable confusion
that followed, Mr. Quackenbush expressed it as his opinion that chaos
had come.
But Mr. Boggs was seriously affected by the performance. He fell down in
the grass, and laughed, and rolled, and positively refused to be
comforted or get up, until the rest of the company ran sticks in his
ears, and put last year's chestnut-burs down his back. When he had
sufficiently recovered, the members of the club renewed their
investigations. They listened to several exhortations and hymns, and
then peeped under the horse-blanket tents. In one they saw a youthful
wench, trying to pray with her mouth full of cold sausage. Her efforts
were useless, and becoming satisfied of this fact herself, she
concluded, very sensibly, to no longer try to save her soul on an empty
stomach, but see to her bodily wants first. Before she had got ready to
pray again she had drank a pint of gin, which so heightened her
religious enthusiasm that she made a dive among the pious elders, gave
four shouts of glory, and fell into the arms of a venerable gentleman,
who divided his time for the next hour in kissing the young sister, and
crying amen and glory in alternation.
At last, the Elephants concluded to return to the city. They piled
themselves into the vehicles, and by means of sundry persuasive
arguments, the horses were induced to reach the livery-stable, rather
warm, inside of two hours.
After the party had stowed away divers beefsteaks and onions, and other
articles of food, they ascended into the club-room. Here they found
Overdale and Wagstaff, both asleep. They were awakened, and, in a
peremptory manner, the Higholdboy demanded to know why they had not
been on hand in the morning at the place of rendezvous, to witness the
sable performance in the rural districts. The answers of the two
offending individuals differed. Wagstaff assigned as a reason that he
was asleep, whereas Overdale stated that he wasn't awake. The Higholdboy
announced himself satisfied with the answers.
FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
"There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which taken at the flood leads on----"
[Illustration]
WITH the facts contained in our last chapter, the members of the
Elephantine order may be said to have fairly begun their herculean
labors. Certain it is that all the spare time they could command was
devoted to an investigation into the particular speciality in zoological
science, for which the club had been organized; and certain it is that
the prospect of some rare contribution from members at the next regular
meeting was good.
The meeting night arrived at length, the members were all present, and
punctual to the hour.
The Higholdboy had brought with him a pair of boxing-gloves, which he
announced were to be used in this wise: He was determined to keep order
in the meetings, and this, too, even if he had to resort to severe means
to do so. But actuated by the same feelings of benevolence which
animated the legislators who caused the passage of laws to prevent
cruelty to animals, he did not want to do physical injury to the
refractory members of the club. Therefore, he had brought the aforesaid
boxing-gloves, so that when he knocked a member down, he wouldn't either
draw blood or give him a black eye.
This humane considerateness on the part of Mr. Spout was warmly
commended by the brethren, and Mr. Quackenbush, in behalf of the club,
_Resolved_, that the Higholdboy is a model presiding officer.
This resolution in behalf of the club was adopted by Mr. Quackenbush.
Overdale here arose and said that he fully coincided with the spirit of
the resolution; he had a proposition to make, however, which was to
order up some cold corned beef, celery, mustard, rolls, and butter,
provided he would consent to let the members keep order after their own
fashion.
This appeal to Mr. Spout's feelings was irresistible, and he gave his
full consent, saying that that was all he had contemplated under any
circumstances, and if they could ring in Overdale for the feed, it was
so much gained. It was accordingly ordered that Overdale give his order.
Mr. Boggs said that boxing-gloves forcibly reminded him of some
experience he had had several years previously. Though a person by no
means thin, and notwithstanding the fact that he had been for years
troubled with chronic good health, yet, from reading at that time
various physiological works, he had become convinced, that from the want
of proper physical training, his dissolution might be considered near at
hand, unless he took immediate measures to save his precious life by
means of active exercise. He accordingly visited the gymnasiums, but the
idea of putting himself into such fantastic shapes as he saw young men
doing, was to him not to be thought of. Further, he was decidedly
opposed to the idea of making himself the laughing-stock of a set of
young rascals by his awkward efforts in his incipient progress. Whilst
he was yet undecided, a friend suggested to him that he procure a couple
of pairs of boxing-gloves, and practise with them. "Having purchased the
gloves," continued Mr. Boggs, "I was still at a loss to know how to
proceed. I didn't want to practice with anybody, because I knew that my
awkwardness would make mirth for them, and to this I was decidedly
opposed. Under these circumstances I resorted to other means. In the
garret of the house in which I lived was a mammoth stove--in fact,
gentlemen, a stove which I could strike and not knock over, which would
not laugh at me in my attacks, and therefore a stove with which I made
up my mind to have a few rounds each day.
"The next day I went up into the garret. There stood the sable champion
of heavy weight, and, for the first time in my life, I stripped myself
of my coat, to fight without being appalled. The stove loomed up in
giant proportions; I stood before it, and squared off as well as I knew
how. I imagined I saw the stove's right fist coming at my left eye. I
parried off the blow, which, without doubt, would have been aimed at me,
had the stove had a right fist as I imagined, and with my right fist I
planted a stunner in the place where his bread-basket should have been.
The result was a powerful reaction, and I found myself sprawling on the
floor. I ascertained that I was not damaged, and wisely determined then
that I would not strike such powerful blows in the future.
"I again squared off, and began putting in the blows in rapid
succession, whilst I managed successfully to keep my adversary from
hitting me in even one of the many attempts which I imagined he made. I
kept up the practice about an hour.
"The next day I resumed my practice, and I kept it up for several weeks,
when I fancied that I was sufficiently expert to 'travel on my muscle.'
"To be sure, I had fought an inanimate object, which could not strike;
still, in the tussles I had imagined the stove striking at me from all
conceivable directions, and I had not only been able to guard-off these
imaginary blows, but I had shown the stove that I could put in a few
astonishers between times.
"I was ready now for practice with a living adversary. But who was he to
be? that was the question. I was still unwilling to call in any of my
acquaintances, as I might possibly after all be found _veni, vidi,
vici_, as we say in the classics, which, when translated into English,
means weighed in the balance and found short (suppressed snickers).
"One day, as I was cogitating upon the matter in front of the house, a
big nigger, full six feet in height, came along. He looked as if he
wanted a job, and with a good deal of trepidation, I ventured to ask him
if I was right in supposing him anxious to make a half-dollar. I found
him to be an eager candidate for any position, from a cashier of a
bogus bank up to a boot-black. I took him up in the garret and disclosed
to him the nature of my desires, and took occasion to inform him that I
would give him a half-dollar for two hours services per day, and a
quarter in addition never to say a word about the matter; to this he
assented, and I told him to put on the gloves. He took the dirty pair
out of respect to me (not taking into consideration the probable
consequence to me, in case of his succeeding in putting in a few licks),
and I took the clean pair.
"We squared off, and occupied a minute or two in preliminary practice; I
felt fully confident that I could manage him quite as easily as I had
the stove, and after telling him to do his best, I proceeded to give him
a poke in his breast. We gradually warmed in the work, the blows passed
more frequently, and as we proceeded I became conscious of the fact that
I managed to put in almost one blow to his three. I then made my
calculations to give the nigger a regular rib riser, and just as I was
about to consummate this well digested plan, I became apprised that
something important had happened; what it was I was unable for a minute
or two to decide; several thoughts passed rapidly through my mind. One
idea I had was, that a bombshell from Sebastopol had exploded in the
identical premises which I was then occupying. But this gave way to
another, which was that New York had been tipped over into Buttermilk
Channel; then again, I thought that somebody was using my head for a
rattle-box; several other theories suggested themselves to me, all of
which were equally reasonable. But at any-rate the cause of the peculiar
sensations was soon solved. The nigger had given me a clip, covering the
lower part of my proboscis, my mouth, and chin, had set my nose
bleeding, and cut my lips somewhat against my teeth, and the blood was
flowing profusely.
"I looked around for the nigger, but he had disappeared; the probability
is that he thought he had been the cause of my death, and fearing an
indictment for murder, had vamosed without stopping to get his fifty
cents.
[Illustration]
"I picked myself up as well as I could, and travelled down stairs to my
room. A look into the mirror presented to my view an interesting picture
of my self; not only were my nose and lips swollen, but the gloves which
the nigger had on, being blackened with the stove-blacking, had
communicated the metallic polish to my face and shirt, so that both
were of a beautiful sheet-iron color. I kept my room for ten days; sent
word to the landlady that I had the measles, and requested that nobody
be admitted to my room but the servant who brought me my food, and him I
feed liberally to keep mum. When I got well enough to go out, I loaned
my boxing gloves to a young gentleman, with my mind fully made up that
if he never offered to return them, I shouldn't send a constable after
him, nor ask him for them. I have not indulged in any amusements of the
kind since, and I am glad to announce that I am fully satisfied with my
past experience in the study of the science."
Mr. Boggs's narrative was loudly applauded. He, however, protested
against the civility.
Mr. Van Dam characterized it as a valuable contribution, which called
forth from Mr. Boggs the question, "What the devil he meant by calling
it a contribution; he had no idea of the kind."
The members insisted that, however he might regard it, it certainly was
a valuable contribution to their entertainment, and would grace the
archives of the club.
Mr. Boggs stated that had he entertained the most distant idea he was
doing anything of any value to anybody, he should have never been able
to say a word. If it was a contribution he was glad of it.
The Higholdboy then called upon the other members for their
contributions to science.
Mr. Quackenbush responded, and after drinking some Croton water diluted
with gin, he began:
"Last evening I started out on a cruise, with the view of seeing the
elephant on the streets by gas-light. I saw the identical elephant to be
seen every evening, and with which you are all familiar, and I began to
think about eleven o'clock that I should be compelled to retire to rest
without having seen anything worthy of note. To be sure, I had seen a
fight between a nigger and Irishman, which, after the first round, was
finished by each party running away as fast as his legs could carry him,
thereby tacitly acknowledging that he was beaten; but what was this?
Every one of you have been in fights, and of course it would be
unnatural to suppose that a description of a scrimmage of brief duration
between an Irishman and a nigger would be particularly interesting. I
was about to turn my footsteps homeward, when the movements of an
individual attracted my attention. The person in question was a
gentleman of about forty-five years of age. His height was fully six
feet, his form was very spare, his face thin, his nose sharp and
prominent, his eyes and hair grey, and his face closely shaven,
wrinkled, and sallow. He was dressed in a plain black dress-coat and
pants, of a style about three years old. His vest was of black satin,
his shirt-bosom was scrupulously white; a black silk choker was tightly
enveloped about his neck, above which peered a diminutive collar, which,
when it was put on, was without doubt a standing-collar, but the starch
had not been made of such a consistency as to render it consistent for
the collar to stand up against the unstiffening effects of a hot day's
sweating. As I saw him, he was coming down the street at a rapid rate,
describing all sorts of geometrical figures on the sidewalk, and making
efforts to sing the words of "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Old
Hundred." Whenever he ran against an awning-post, he would stop, and
expostulate with the post for its want of civility, and would insist
that the post had never been born and bred in the St. Lawrence country,
or it would have shown more politeness to strangers. He was entirely
unable to account for the sudden revolutions of the earth, which made
day and night follow each other in such quick succession. When he ran
against a lamp-post, he would look up to the light and insist that it
was dinner-time, and would wonder why the old woman didn't blow the
horn. At that moment a policeman came along, and was going to take him
into custody. On observing the policeman's uniform, he inquired of him
whether he was a 'Merican or British soger, and whether the Russians had
whipped Nicholas, and whether Cuba had begun to bombard General Pierce
at Sebastopol. I knew the officer very well, and he suggested that as
the man seemed to be quite respectable in his appearance, it might be
well to take him to a hotel for the night. I volunteered to do this, and
accordingly took him under my care. On going down, he asked me if I was
a karvern teeper, as he wanted to take a drink of bed, and then go to
sleep on a blass of grandy. I told him I was, and would see him put to
bed all right. On asking him his name, I learned that he was Deacon
Josiah Pettingill, of St. Lawrence county. We got to the hotel, and I
informed the clerk that the gentleman was a country friend of mine, whom
I wanted stowed away for the night, and for whom I would call in the
morning. I accompanied him to the room, assisted in removing his
garments, and, after putting him between the sheets, I left the
premises. This morning I called on him at his room, and found him still
asleep. I proceeded to awaken him. It occupied some minutes to explain
to him the true condition of affairs. At last, the whole of the
occurrences of the previous evening seemed to come to his recollection.
"He inquired his condition when I found him. I told him that he was at
that time considerably drunk, and disposed to be somewhat noisy.
"'Well, squire,' said he, 'I shouldn't be surprised if it was so; the
fact is, my head aches at this minute as if it was ready to bust, and it
feels jest as it did once in my lifetime, a good while ago, when I took
too much egg nogg; that was full twenty-five year ago; for awhile, I
felt as if I was ridin' to Heaven over glairy ice down a high hill, on a
bob-sled with its runners greased. But I never got there; I know one
thing sartain--a few hours afterward I felt as if the bob-sled had run
agin a stump, when almost tu the bottom of the hill, and the concussion
had landed me intu a cauldron-kettle full of fever and ager and
blacksmiths' hammers, mixed together in equal parts; it wasn't funny,
squire; I went right off and jined the church, and hain't been blue
since, unless I wos last night.'
"I asked Mr. Pettingill to give me a history of his experience in the
city. He complied, and stated the facts as follows:--