appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised
me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest
disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the
majestic erectness which characterized it on the other. On the left it
was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.
"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had
occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my
suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.
"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I
was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the
privileges of a freeman--a native American citizen. I was arrested, and
violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and
this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be
acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a
nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was
a huge nigger--a colossal nigger--a nigger fully six feet and four
inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light--it was all
shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make
an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned
the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions.
Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best
use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to make his face
the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his
large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very
much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who
gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of
Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I
be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin
a crusade against all niggers--particularly nigger-giants and nigger
women.
"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.
"'I'll tell you,' said he. 'But before doing so however, I desire to
state a fact. We have all our human weaknesses; indeed, it may be set
down as a truism that human beings do have human weaknesses to a greater
or less extent; I am a human being; I have my human weakness, and that
weakness is my collars; it required years of experiment to bring my
collars to their present perfection; nearly all of the quarrels I ever
had have been with laundresses who have failed to do them up to my
liking; if a man wishes to ruffle my temper he need only to ruffle my
collar, and it is accomplished; tell me the Savings Bank, where I
deposit my extra money, has collapsed in the region of the money-vault;
tell me that I have got to attend a charity ball; give me the jumping
toothache; place me in a Bowery stage with fourteen inside, and I in
juxtaposition to a dirty woman with a squalling baby who has got the
seven years' itch--all of these I can bear, but when it comes to
interfere with my collars it is going a point too far. Now I come to the
time when unforeseen circumstances brought me in violent collision with
this nigger of African extraction; I was walking down the street, near
where the belligerent demonstration took place, when I saw directly in
front of me a long-tailed man in an amiable-appearing coat--no--an
amiable-appearing coat in a long-tailed--no--I mean an amiable-appearing
man in a long-tailed coat. For my life I could not conceive why that
amiable individual's proclivities in matters of apparel should lead him
to wear a garment of so ridiculous a cut. I had just come to the sage
conclusion that it was because every donkey in the country chooses to
have his hips appear high or low to suit the caprice of Broadway
tailors, when at that moment the amiable person, together with his
long-tailed coat, was driven from my mind. I became suddenly conscious
that an important event had transpired. An elderly female nigger, in
throwing water on a store-window which she was cleaning, did not confine
her professional favors exclusively to the window for which she had
been hired, but she disbursed copious supplies of Croton upon the
passers-by, for which she had not been hired. In fact, I am bold to
assert, that several persons were favored with several gratuitous
duckings by this colored female. I was one of those persons; a bountiful
current of water interrupted the current of my thoughts; like a juvenile
Niagara, it dashed against my collar in the left side, as you can see.
Now, my collar is impervious to perspiration, but it could not stand up
under the soaking of a cataract; as my collar fell my choler rose; I
looked around at the sable author of my troubles, and I saw on her face
an exultant grin at what she had done. I felt as if I would like to have
crammed a wet broom which she had in her hand down her throat, splint
end downwards; for obvious reasons I did not do this; but I did speak to
her in language expressive of my emphatic disapprobation of the
unasked-for and informal baptism with which she had been pleased to
favor me; I suppose my words must have frightened her; at any rate she
fell off from a stool on which she was elevated; she gave a scream; this
black Hercules came down the stairs; she informed him that I had
insulted her; he looked at me with his teeth grinning as if he would
like to have eaten me without gravy or condiment; he gave one diabolical
grin, and then came at me. I am not pugnacious; a lamb-like
inoffensiveness has ever been my prominent characteristic; I have a
constitutional repugnance to a fight, either with weapons natural or
artificial; if loaded fire-arms are around I never feel so safe as when
I see the butt-ends pointed at my vital parts; though not a member of
the Peace Society, yet that society has ever had in me an ardent
sympathizer; peaceful though I be, yet, when the sleeping lion within me
is aroused, I know no bounds to my rage, and I insist upon going about,
seeking whom I may devour; I saw the belligerent attitude of my enemy;
he struck me; we grappled; an insatiable desire to taste the flesh of a
colored man at that instant seized upon me; in a moment the digits of
his right hand were between my teeth; I know that for a moment or two
hostilities were active; I became conscious, too, that hostilities
ceased; I soon learned the cause; the cause was the arrival of two
policemen, who are always around when they shouldn't be, and never when
they should. I was brought to the station-house.'
"'Well, what took place before the court?' I asked.
"'At seven this morning,' said Buxton, 'we were brought before the
judge, and put in a pen; on one side of me was the aforesaid nigger,
and on the other side a disgusting piece of feminine humanity; an
importation from Ireland, who had just come off from a bender. Our names
were finally called, the nigger's first, by all that's holy. Two
officers who arrested us were the witnesses; they testified that on last
evening, about dusk, they were engaged in conversation on the corner of
a street which forms the boundary line between their respective beats,
when they saw a crowd collected on the sidewalk, about a square above;
they ran there, and they saw me and the nigger engaged in a fight; they
said that the nigger was striking me violently with his left fist; his
right hand was between my teeth, while I was kicking and striking the
nigger very generally and promiscuously, and a nigger woman who was
present was laying the blows on me with a broom whenever she could; at
that moment they arrested me and the nigger; it required all their
strength to secure us, such was the violence of our efforts to get away;
hence they were unable to take the woman into custody.
"'The judge showed the cussed bad taste to ask the nigger to make his
statement first. The nigger said that I had insulted his wife, and had
made improper proposals to her; that made me wrathy; I told him that he
was guilty of uttering a falsehood before the court; emphatically
pronounced his assertion relative to my making an insulting proposal to
that feminine lump of animated charcoal, with whom he very properly
cohabited, to be an unequivocal lie; I am no controversalist, and still
less would I descend from my exalted height to engage in a controversy
with that herculean African, especially after enduring the perspiration,
which, despite my frantic efforts to the contrary, I was compelled to
suffer during a hot night, in a cell where any respectable thermometer,
if it could be induced to go into the cell once, if it was anything at
all, would be a hundred at least; yes, sir,' he continued, 'and should
you ever have a morbid desire to enter into controversy, recline your
heated form of a hot night in the cell which I occupied, and by morning
you will insist upon retiring into some secluded spot, from which
secluded spot you can look dispassionately and unmoved upon the moral
strifes of the world.
"'Well, the up-shot of the matter was that both of us were discharged.'
"I gave Mr. Buxton what consolation I could, after which he took his
departure to put on a new collar."
When Mr. Spout had concluded his narration, he proceeded to awaken such
of the members of the club as were still present, telling them that it
was time to go home. But he did not succeed in fully arousing them to an
appreciation of the lateness of the hour, until he had put ice into
their boot-legs and shirt-bosoms.
THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
Now doth the little busy bee
Improve each shining hour
And gather honey all the day
From every opening--
[Illustration]
TOWARDS nine o'clock one evening, the members of the club had casually
convened in the club-room, although no notice had been given that they
were to assemble on that occasion. The only absentee was Johnny Cake,
but this created no surprise, as the wonder was, not why any member was
absent, but why so many were present.
An hour was passed in discussing the current events of the day, when
some member suggested, that if anybody had anything to offer, either
amusing or instructive, an excellent opportunity was now afforded.
It so happened that Mr. Remington Dropper had in his pocket a quantity
of foolscap, on which he had written a statement of certain experience,
with which he had been favored on the previous day.
A general wish was expressed that Mr. Dropper might make himself useful
in the exigency. He consented, and after the members had lighted their
pipes, the barkeeper had been signalized for eight whisky-punches, and
the Higholdboy had seated himself in his chair, the meeting was declared
to be duly organized.
Mr. Dropper commenced:
"Yesterday," said he, "I had the pleasure of seeing our favorite
quadruped as he appeared on Broadway, from an omnibus, whilst on a
voyage from the South Ferry to Union Square. At half-past two o'clock I
went over the ferry to Hamilton Avenue, Brooklyn. Having transacted my
business, set out on my return, jumped aboard the ferry-boat and was
soon on the New York side; stepped outside the gate, when I was beset by
two dozen different omnibus agents, and as many different drivers. 'Here
y'ar, right up Broadway.' 'Wide awake, 'ere Bower' un' Gran' street.'
'Right up Broadway, Sixth Avenue.' 'Here's Broad'ay, Bleeck' street, un'
Eigh thavenue.' 'Here y'ar Bowery un' Ouston street.'
"'I want to go to Greenwich Avenue,' said a timid old gentleman.
"'Here y'ar,' said the agent, as he took the old gentleman by the seat
of his pantaloons, and threw him head first into an East Broadway stage.
"The old gentleman, as soon as he could recover from his astonishment,
looked out of the window at the agent.
"'Sir,' said he, 'does this stage carry me to Greenwich Avenue?'
"'Certing,' was the prompt reply, 'you'll get there, never fear. Here's
Eas' Broadway un' Dry Dock.'
"'Where do you want to go madam?' asked the Ninth Avenue stage-agent of
a lady accompanied by a little boy.
"'To the Crystal Palace,' said the lady.
"'Here y'ar then,' said he, as he placed her in the stage which probably
stopped fully three quarters of a mile from the place.
"At last, all the persons desiring to ride had secured seats in stages,
but whether _the_ stages they desired is quite doubtful. I jumped in a
Broadway and Fourteenth street stage, the agent gave the door two slams,
and off we started. The passengers were an old maid with a poodle dog, a
young miss who had just put on a long dress, a German, an old buffer
who occupied space for two, and myself. Suddenly we stopped in Whitehall
street, on our larboard side we find ourselves caught against a Sixth
Avenue stage coming down, and our starboard quarter caught against the
hubs of a cart. Carman apologetic--Sixth Avenue stage-driver affable.
Passengers frightened. Maiden lady with poodle dog exclaimed, 'Oh, dear
me!' Poodle dog barked. Fat gentleman thought that stage-drivers
now-a-days were growing too careless. Got under way. Sighted Bowling
Green off our port bow. Female from Ireland with native infant hailed
the vehicle. Driver stopped. Female from Ireland tumbled up the steps.
Driver slammed the door, which struck the female from Ireland a severe
blow in the rear. Result, female from Ireland lying prostrate on the
floor, and native infant lying around loose on the person of the old
maid, in the particular premises claimed by the poodle dog. Poodle dog
barked and snapped at native infant; native infant cried. Old maid
scolds female from Ireland. Female from Ireland takes up native infant,
and anathematizes poodle dog. Fat gentleman suggests that it's all the
result of the recklessness of the driver. Old lady and female from
Ireland pacified. German female, with a basket of dirty clothes, seeks
admittance. Driver accommodating. Enter German female, and exit myself.
Take my position on top with the driver. Band of music heard in the
direction of Wall street. Target company turn into Broadway. Inebriated
negro carrying a target, on which is inscribed, 'Michael Flinn Guard,
Capt. Pat. Sweeny.' Horse attached to a buggy coming down Broadway,
unused to military demonstrations--unaccustomed to the noises of sixteen
German gentlemen, making frantic efforts to blow their brains out
through brass horns. Horse rears and plunges into the rank and file of
the Michael Flinn Guard. Consternation of the infantry at an unexpected
attack from the cavalry. Cavalry triumphant. Michael Flinn Guard
commence throwing stones at individual in the buggy. Individual drives
off. Plethoric German scrapes himself up, and finds the starch entirely
taken out of his ophicleide. German with light moustache has lost the
mouth-piece of his E flat saxe horn; Michael Flinn Guards endeavoring to
find their arms. Irish corporal unable to discover his bayonet. First
lieutenant finds his sword run through the tenor drum. Ambitious private
finds the pewter cake-basket he won as a prize, with the butt end of a
musket through it. Guns in several instances in fragments; swords
broken; brass horns disjointed, and, as a consequence, music _non est_.
By general consent, Michael Flinn Guards break ranks and disperse. Lady
with hoop skirts hails the driver. Driver again obliging. Enter hoop
skirts. Gentleman with a baby-wagon hails driver. 'Whoa-'p.' Astonishing
driver. Gentleman lifts up the baby-wagon on the top. Driver receives
it, and gently smashes it in pieces. Gentleman gets inside. Dropsical
individual on the starboard quarter hails us. The gentleman enters, and
again we are under way. Teutonic target company turn into Broadway from
Courtlandt street--'The Lager Bier Invincibles, Capt Conrad Kuenzmueller.'
Suddenly find ourselves smashed up amid a perfect labyrinth of carts,
stages, buggies, wagons, horses, mules, cotton bales, boxes, furniture,
drivers, policemen, passengers, pedestrians, &c. A wagonload of dirt on
our port side--wagon-driver unsophisticated; unused to driving in New
York. In advance a cart having two bales of hay on board. Our horses,
having nothing else to do, make efforts to get at the hay. Our driver
again accommodating. He gets down and unchecks the horses. Horses
proceed to make inroads upon property not belonging to the omnibus
company. Carman discovers the larceny. Indignant carman. Hits our horses
over the head with the butt end of his whip. Reciprocal indignation.
Our driver gives carman a cut across his proboscis with a long lash.
"Our progress continues.
[Illustration]
"Fat gentleman impatient. Reasserts his previously-expressed conviction,
that the stage is an imposition: says he'll get out. Driver insists on
payment. Fat gentleman passes up a quarter. Driver passes him back a
ten-cent piece and eight cents. Fat gentleman insists that he is
swindled to the extent of one cent, which he demands. Driver very
obliging, and 'don't he wish he may get it.' Fat gentleman gets out, but
finds himself completely surrounded by vehicles, and without a
possibility of being able to reach the curb-stone in safety, concludes
to enter the stage again. Driver refuses to open the door. Fat gentleman
demands to be admitted. Driver says he'll see him blowed first. Fat
gentleman frantic, but driver incorrigible. At last fat gentleman gets
on his hands and knees, and, after crawling under a team of horses and
the tails of two carts, reaches the sidewalk. Again moving. Irish
female with native infant pulls the strap. Driver accommodating. Female
inquires if this is a Bowery stage. Driver says no. Female insists upon
getting out. Driver insists, with equal warmth, that, as a prior
condition, she must disgorge a sixpence. Female indisposed to comply.
Old maid with the poodle dog gives the strap three convulsive jerks.
'Whoa-'p.' Old maid says that native infant, belonging to female from
Ireland, has the ship fever. Female from Ireland indignantly denies the
statement, and says that it is _only_ the itch. Old maid swoons. Poodle
dog barks at all the passengers generally, and the female from Ireland
particularly. Dropsical gentleman puts some smelling-salts under the
nose of old maid. Happy result. Old maid revives, and asks if anybody
beside herself was injured by the explosion. Sight Fulton street off our
starboard bow. Enter Fifth Avenue and Amity street stages, R. 1st
Entrance. Exit Irish porter with a load of band-boxes, L. 1st Entrance,
in time to save his bacon and band-boxes. New feature coming up Fulton
street from the East River--'The Sour Krout Guards, Captain Wilhelm
Stein,' in return from target excursion. Still another feature coming up
Fulton street from North River--'The Patrick Gaffney Grenadiers, Captain
Timothy Leahey,' on a return from target excursion. Two companies
approach one another. Menacing looks on the part of the Sour Krout
Guards. Bellicose attitude of the Gaffney Grenadiers. Belligerent
manifestation of the Sour Krouts; corporal of the Gaffneys throws a
brick at the Sour Krouts. Sour Krouts boiling over with indignation,
make a demonstration. Both companies unused to the management of
firelocks, but accustomed to war and carnage. They lay down their arms
and take up their fists. General, promiscuous, and miscellaneous
shoulder-hitting by the strength of both companies. Enter third party.
Mad bull rushes down Broadway and pitches into the hottest of the fight,
with horns down and tail up. Sour Krouts and Gaffneys in consternation
fly from the scene of the struggle in all directions. Mad bull makes a
descent into a mock auction shop. Stool pigeons and auctioneer all
knocked down without a bidder. Sudden fall in pinchbeck watches. Bull
stands for a moment in a contemplative mood over the devastation, and
then walks away with a dignified air. Barnum's in sight. Lady and three
children get inside. Female from Ireland with native infant concludes to
pay the sixpence and get out. Astor House in the usual place. Barclay
street in the distance. By way of variety, a company turn into
Broadway, 'The Tugmutton Terribles, Captain Frightful Buster,' in a
return from a target excursion at Hoboken. The captain elevated,
lieutenants inebriated, privates intoxicated, the nigger target-bearer
drunk--effect of having eaten too many ham sandwiches. Stage again
immobile. Two Hoosiers get inside, and ask the driver to stop at the St.
Nicholas Tavern. Funeral procession coming down Broadway. Forty-nine
carriages. Learned that the remains of Dennis Hooligan, the keeper of a
corner grocery in Hammersley street, were being conveyed to their last
resting-place. Just as the hearse reaches Anthony street a ponderous
cart crosses Broadway. Wheels fifteen feet in diameter. Steamboat boiler
suspended under the axletree. Majestic vehicle fetches up all standing
against a cart loaded with flour. Fall in breadstuffs. Prodigal
distribution of flour. Hearse and funeral procession in close proximity.