fixed fact, Johnny Cake reentered the room. He saw the confusion which
was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause.
Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the
corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.
"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose
adventures I have detailed to you this evening."
"The devil!" said Spout.
"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.
"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who
was no other than Overdale.
"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.
"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a
coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some
scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden
leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another
fracture since the railroad experience.
Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the
presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of
himself, was once more himself.
Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him
as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy
concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to
the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets
at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis,
Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as
they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again
operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more
seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation
as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by
all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one
talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in
their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be
incorporated _verbatim_ into these veracious records. The facts
disclosed, however, were substantially these:
After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel,
without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his
hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the
attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were
to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than
otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told _his_
gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked
_his_ down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg
impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a
constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the
individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their
names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last
performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to
sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They
were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as
comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom
furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the
dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment,
after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies'
parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something
to eat.
As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the
purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having
marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of
the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs
immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city
were many--being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver
forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out
of the common order.
Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare
were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the
boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they
were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they
proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates.
Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached
for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his
dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.
Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity
he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose
of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the
caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream
in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept
on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with
ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any
of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it
with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.
Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his
napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his
handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a
neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some
time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be
proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion,
and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with
great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare
at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put
his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of
that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion
on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to
eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his
fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his
mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature.
The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him
some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably
saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for
strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing
that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one
of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank
it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the
experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple
with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen
fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.
At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms
after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor,
and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.
Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to
bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open
his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling
at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some
inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep,
when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself
with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple
the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One
happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his
call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see
him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and
considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right
over an asafoetida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr.
Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted
hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light,
instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his
valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well
ventilated, he retired to rest--this time, however, in the bed, the
waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely
adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give
employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.
In the morning, by one of those curious coincidences which we know do
happen, but for which we cannot account, our three rural friends found
themselves, at precisely eight o'clock, in the bar-room, before the bar,
and calling upon the major for something to drink. Each drank, after
which they went in to breakfast.
The bill of fare not being so complicated as the one on the dinner-table
the day previous, and being printed in good readable English, they had
no difficulty in procuring breakfast entirely to their satisfaction.
After arising, and supplying themselves with cigars, they started out on
an exploring expedition through the city.
Overdale, having read a good deal about the various "lions" of the town,
assumed to know all about it, and therefore Dennis and Wagstaff
acquiesced in his taking the lead; Wagstaff taking notes of everything
for the benefit of his children when he returned home.
They strayed into Taylor's saloon, which Overdale informed them was the
Crystal Palace. Gurney's Daguerreotype Gallery he stated was the
American Art Union. The three then took the cars on the corner of Canal
street and Broadway, Overdale remarking that he hoped all their lives
were insured, as they were now on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. Dennis
hoped they would run off the track in such a way that his wooden leg
would be again broken. He would then retire for a few weeks, swear that
he had lost a leg by the accident, sue the company for fifty thousand
dollars damages, compromise by accepting ten thousand, and then go to
Kansas and set up a faro bank. As they passed the Jefferson Market
fire-alarm bell-tower, Overdale said it was a shot tower, erected in
revolutionary times. They then arrived at the real Crystal Palace, which
Overdale declared answered to the descriptions he had read of Fulton
Market. The submarine armor which was on exhibition, he explained was a
flying machine. The statue of the Amazon was noted down in Wagstaff's
book, upon the authority of Overdale, as a cast-iron black foot squaw,
on a prairie mustang. The fountain was announced to be a patent
frog-pond. After writing down an accurate description of the
fire-engines and hose-carts (the first of which Overdale supposed to be
perpetual self-acting locomotives, and the second a newly-invented
threshing machine), Wagstaff proposed they should leave. The Croton
Reservoir, Overdale stated was the gas-works. They then ascended the
Latting Observatory, which their intelligent informant assured them was
Trinity Church. From the altitude they here attained, they were favored
with a view of a large extent of country. Overdale called the attention
of his companions to the High Bridge over the Harlem river, of which
they had an excellent view. He said that it was one of the few gigantic
relics of the architecture of the Norsemen, whom he stated populated
this country ten centuries before Columbus sculled over here in a
scow-boat. This was the same bridge, he further remarked, which Edgar A.
Hood, a historian, and an intimate friend of Nicholas Galileo, a poet of
the sixteenth century, had spoken of as "bridge of size." Mr. Overdale
stated that the squadron of pleasure-yachts anchored at Hoboken were a
number of clam-sloops, which had probably been abandoned by their
owners, because they were old and unseaworthy. Jersey City, he was
inclined to believe, from its general description and situation, was the
Sixth Ward, which he further stated was in the centre of the Five
Points. The Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island, of which they had an
excellent view, he informed them was the City Hall--the regular resort
of the Common Scoundrels of the city. When they left the Observatory
they strayed over into Avenue D, which, upon the word of the intelligent
Overdale, Wagstaff described in his book as the Bowery. After mistaking
the Dry Dock for the Battery, and a Williamsburg ferry boat for a
Collins steamer, they continued to wander about, making divers mistakes,
all of which were faithfully noted down as facts in Wagstaff's notebook.
At eight o'clock in the evening, they found themselves in the Franklin
Museum, whither they had gone on Overdale's invitation, to visit the
Free Love Club. When the performance was over they sallied out, and
fetched up in a German lager-bier saloon in William street, where the
assembled Teutons were singing their national airs. For a moment
Overdale was in doubt, but, after two minutes' thought, he informed his
friends that they were in the Academy of Music, listening to an Italian
Opera. When they left they were full of music, they having caught the
inspiration from being in the presence of foreign artists, and
immediately commenced to sing once more "Vilikins and his Dinah," with a
strong chorus, but were almost immediately choked down by the police.
They wandered about disconsolate, inquiring frequently of some hurrying
passer-by where they could find the elephant, and receiving in reply to
their interrogations a great variety of directions as to his
whereabouts, from disinterested persons, all of which they noted down
for reference. They searched an hour and a half for "my uncle, in the
second story of the Fifth Avenue Railroad," which individual, they had
been informed, could give them the desired information; they walked
about four miles in search of "No. 1 'round the corner," at which place
they had been assured, by a venerable female of Milesian accent who sold
peanuts on the curb-stone, they would undoubtedly find the wished-for
quadruped on exhibition. In the course of this latter search, as they
were about to venture into a promising-looking saloon, for the purpose
of procuring something to allay their thirst, Wagstaff caught a glimpse
of the miniature elephant which was over the door of the club-room; and
imagining that he had discovered the veritable animal, he uttered a cry
of joy which attracted his companions to the same object, upon which
they made a grand rush up the flight of stairs. Where they got to, and
how they were received, is already told.
When the narrative had been concluded, Mr. John Spout, the Higholdboy
of the club, declared in solemn terms, that, by virtue of his office,
the three persons whose adventures had just been related by themselves
should be henceforth considered members of the Elephantine order. He
added that any member might object if he chose, but it wouldn't do him
any good, as he should immediately overrule the objection, and kick the
daring objector down stairs.
This persuasive manner of addressing the members had the desired effect.
They were convinced by the gentle logic of their dignified superior
officer, and they could not have the heart to oppose him had they felt
so inclined.
Messrs. Wagstaff, Overdale, and Dennis, who were thus so summarily
promoted, were solemnly sworn in on a boiled ham, after which all hands
joined in singing, "We won't go home till morning." It may be proper to
add, in respect to this last musical asseveration, and as a deserved
tribute to the veracity of the persons concerned, that when they said
they wouldn't go home till morning, _they didn't_.
THE COLORED CAMP-MEETING.
There is a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough----
SHAKSPEARE.
[Illustration]
An evening or two after the facts related in the last chapter of this
veritable and never-to--be-believed history, the members of the club
were seated in silent deliberation round their table, each man smoking a
short pipe by a special order of the council; an unusual commotion was
noticed at the end of the table where John Spout was supposed to be
anchored. First the smoke, which had settled, in a thick, hazy layer,
upon everything, and concealed the members from each other, as if they
had mutually pulled the wool over each other's eyes until all were for
a time invisible, was observed to wave to and fro, as if agitated by
some powerfully moving cause, concealed from the observers by the
fragrant tobacco fog which had been raised by the joint exertions of the
assembled multitude. A few minutes more disclosed the arm of John Spout,
working like an insane windmill, backwards and forwards, to open a clear
space, and make himself visible to the naked eye.
After the lapse of some little time, and the expenditure of no small
amount of muscular power in this interesting exercise, the ruddy
beef-face of the Higholdboy beamed forth from the encircling mist, like
a good-natured light-house, which had been on a spree the night before,
and got up with a red nose, in consequence of the nocturnal dissipation.
As soon as he had cleared a space about him large enough for him to
speak without danger of suffocation, he announced that he had a
proposition to lay before the honorable body, and proceeded to state
that he had observed in a morning paper an advertisement of a
camp-meeting, to be held at a distance from the city easily accessible,
by a 2'40" team, in a couple of hours. He, moreover, went on to say,
that the presiding officers of the gospel-hunt were to be of a sable
complexion, and that the greater part of the congregation was expected
to be of the same color--in fact, it was to be what a Bowery boy would,
in his peculiar, but not inexpressive dialect, call a "Nigger Methodist
Camp Meeting." The proposition of the pious Mr. Spout was that the
Elephants should pack their pockets, and proceed to the scene of action,
for the purpose of picking up any superfluous piety that might be lying
around loose, and of making themselves generally agreeable, and having a
good time all round.
The suggestion was listened to with approval, and it was unanimously
_Resolved_, that the Elephants proceed to the campground in the morning.
A special committee, consisting of the entire club, was appointed to see
that every person was provided with all the necessaries of life, and the
requisites for having a juicy time.
In consideration of his being the mover of the scheme, it was moved that
J. Spout, Esq., should be empowered to procure from the livery-stable
the necessary conveyances, and should become personally responsible for
the same.
The proposition was agreed to, with a clause to the effect that when he
paid the bill he should treat the company with the change.
Each man then appointed every other man a committee to raise the means,
and keep himself sober until the appointed hour, after which they
adjourned to prepare.
At eight, by the City Hall clock (and, of course, half-past eight by
every other clock in the city) next morning, the convention was
incomplete.
For an hour there were three men lacking; but Mr. John I. Cake finally
made his appearance, with his breeches tucked into his boots, a
horsewhip in his hand, and a suspicious-looking protuberance immediately
over his left coat pocket. The attention of the company being called to
this, Johnny explained by saying that it was his Testament and
hymn-book, and that he had been all the morning engaged in turning down
the leaves at the proper places, so that he might not be interrupted in
his devotions. A half hour longer was appropriated in waiting for
Wagstaff and Overdale, but at the end of that time, those two worthies
failing to appear, the party resolved to start without them, Boggs
remarking, that if those tardy individuals failed to reach Heaven
because of their religious shortcomings, they could not say, in
extenuation of their offence, that their fraternal Elephants had not
waited a sufficient time to give them an opportunity for salvation.
The vehicles provided for the occasion were two single buggies, into
which all seven of the party were to pack themselves, a feat which was
finally accomplished, much to the detriment of Johnny Cake's
shirt-collar, and greatly to the discomfiture of Quackenbush, who had to
sit in behind, and let his legs hang over.
Van Dam took the reins of the foremost carriage, and his first exploit
was to run the wheel against the curb-stone, and spill the party into a
coal-hole, from which they were rescued by the exertions of the
bystanders. They once more started on their journey, under the
supervision of Quackenbush, who was recalled from the stern of the
craft, and made to assume the guidance of the crazy horse.
Van Dam, on being deprived of his charge, immediately went to sleep, and
waked no more, except when his companions roused him to pay the toll,
which they did at every gate, until there was no more small change in
his pockets than there is gunpowder in a tom-cat, after which they
offered to pay every time with a twenty-dollar bill, and as no one would
assume the responsibility of changing it, they passed free, and
proceeded merrily enough until they reached the encampment of the devout
darkeys.
There being no taverns immediately adjoining, the horses were made as
comfortable as circumstances would admit of, under a beech-tree, in a
clover-field, and the human part of the Elephantine delegation marched
in an exceedingly irregular procession to the camp ground; the line of
march being occasionally thrown into disorder by John Spout, who
persisted in making protracted and strenuous efforts to squeeze
something wet out of a Schiedam schnapps bottle, which had been dry as a
powder-horn ever since Quackenbush had his last pull at it.
A description of the sylvan scene which met their metropolitan gaze may
not be out of place.
It was in a clearing, in a piece of beech and maple woods. Stands were
erected for some of the prominent speakers; slabs were laid from stump
to stump, for the accommodation of such of the brothers and sisters as
desired to sit still and listen to the preaching, and in places straw
was laid on the ground, for the special benefit of such as had the
"power," and wanted to get down on the ground and have a private tussle
with the devil on their own account. Stands were erected under the
trees, in the shadiest spots, by enterprising white folks, for the sale
of gingerbread and root-beer, and it was rumored that some speculators,
distrusting the appearance of the "sperits of just men made perfeck,"
had supplied their place with other spirits, full as potent and equally
reliable.
The grass might have been agreeable to look upon at a distance, but a
close inspection showed it to be full of pismires; the stumps would have
been commodious seats, if they had not been most of them previously
appropriated by black-snakes; the sleeping places would have been tents,
if they had not been huts, and a poetical fancy might have pictured them
as being constructed of canvas, white as the driven snow, but the
practical mind instantly discovered that they were made of oak slabs and
dirty horse-blankets. Some imaginative people would have set down the
speaking of the ministers as eloquence if not inspiration, but a
critical individual would have found fault with the bad grammar, and
insinuated that the inspiration was all perspiration.