* * * * *
=THE LANGUAGE FOR LOGIC.=
"Very well," I said, "if Jones is laid up I'll go round myself."
Our French visitor chuckled quietly and then shrugged his shoulders by
way of apology.
"Pardon," he murmured with the most disarming politeness, "but your
English language it is so veray funny, and I 'ave not yet become quite
used to it. Is it not that it lack the accuracy, what you call the
logic, of the French?"
"Indeed," I said, without the least interest.
But my wife was all enthusiasm. She clapped her hands in delighted
agreement. "M. du Val is quite right, Dickie," she said. "We are a
frightfully illogical lot, aren't we? I mean, the French are able to
say just exactly what they mean."
"Your reinforcement, Madame, it completes my victory," replied the
Frenchman with a graceful gesture. "_Voyez, M'sieu'_," he added,
turning to me, "you 'ave just said zat your friend is laid _up_, when
the unfortunate truth is zat he is laid _down_, and because of zat you
will encircle, surround, make a tour of your person."
"There, you see," said my wife flatly, "it's all utterly illogical.
Think how logical the French are."
"Well, let us work it out," I said in hearty agreement. "As a start
I solemnly declare that the French are not so logical as they don't
think."
"As they _don't_ think?" repeated my wife in surprise.
"Ah!" I retorted, "you are not so observant as you might not be. I was
merely giving you a little French idiom, 'logically' and 'accurately
done into English.'"
"Mister," I next asked our ally, "your visit to England, will she be
prolonged?"
"Who's the lady?" interrupted my wife.
"M. du Val's visit, of course, dear," I informed her. "You forget that
the French are particularly logical with their genders."
"M'sieu'!" murmured the guest, rather puzzled.
"I asked," I went on for M. du Val's edification, "because if you
stay long enough you may have the pleasure of meeting the parents of
Mistress my wife. They are coming to the house of us next month. His
father is extremely anxious to see her daughter, whom he has not seen
since his wedding--"
"Whom in the world are you talking about?" muttered my wife.
"Monsieur will readily understand," I said wickedly, "that I allude
to my wife and their parents. I hope they will bring his brother with
them."
"'Her,' you should say," my wife put in with the suspicion of a snap.
"There's only Johnny and me."
"It was of Johnny I spoke," I assured her. "And, by the way, if you
haven't heard the latest gossip it may interest you to hear that
the young rascal has formed an attachment, and is very proud of
her _fiancée_. She is an awfully pretty girl and quite athletic as
well--in fact, his arm is not nearly so small as Johnny's isn't, and
his carriage is perfect. Their eyes are lovely, while a poet would
rave about his sweet nose, her rosebud mouth and their longs blacks
hairs. Their shoes--"
"Oh, stop!" cried my wife. "You're muddling me all up. Are you talking
about Johnny or--"
"Name of a pipe, my cabbage," I said, determined to give her logic
with swear-words and endearments as well, "where has your reasoning
gone to? Any logical Frenchman would tell you at once that I wasn't
talking about Johnny, but about her girl. As I was saying, their shoes
have each a dinky Gibson bow on her."
"M'sieu'," reflected M. du Val in his polite way, "I begin to think
zat you are getting ze advantage over me."
"Don't take any notice of him, Mosseer," pleaded my wife indignantly;
"he's only pulling your leg."
"Pulling my--?" The Frenchman cogitated for a minute; then he
understood and smiled in a superior way again. "All the same," he
murmured quietly, "we French 'ave not _all_ ze illogicalness, _n'est
ce pas_?"
"Not quite all," I cheerfully agreed. "By the way, would you like to
come with us this afternoon to the great Review in Hyde Park? Her
Majesty the KING will be there, also the QUEEN and very likely His
Royal Highness Princess MARY--"
"I come wiz muchness of pleasure," assented our guest very hurriedly.
Then, being a thorough little sportsman, he added with a bow:--
"If M'sieu' could persuade _'er_ wife to wear _'is_ new 'at, so veray
charming?"
* * * * *
=Another Apology Wanted.= "AN ATTRACTIVE EVENT AT ---- CHAPEL.
LADY ABSENT FOR FIRST TIME FOR FIFTY YEARS." _Provincial Paper._
* * * * *
"Dogs frequently go straight to destruction in this way, but an
official of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Animals
told an _Evening News_ representative he did not think they had
suicidal intentions."--_Evening News._
If they had there would be less need for the Society.
* * * * *
"Persian Rugs for Sale by gentleman recently returned from Persia;
various designs, old and modern; no dealers; preferably after six
evenings."--_Daily Paper._
This gentleman seems to have brought back with him the methods of the
Oriental bazaar. Six evenings is about the average time for adjusting
a bargain.
* * * * *
[Illustration: =BALM FOR THE SICK MAN.=
THE TURK (_after reading report from Greece_). "WELL DID THE INFIDEL
SAY, 'WHEN ROGUES FALL OUT HONEST MEN COME BY THEIR OWN'!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Parent (after tour of inspection of Art school)._
"YES, I THINK THIS WILL DO. I'LL SEND MY DAUGHTER HERE. YOUR
VENTILATION SEEMS GOOD."]
* * * * *
=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.=
=IV.--DR. ADDISON.=
The ridiculous tradition of government by K. C.'s has for some time
past been broken down, and quite a number of our present Ministers
have never taken silk in their lives, except from cocoons in a
match-box. There is at least one business man in the Cabinet, and even
the LORD CHANCELLOR, great lawyer though he is, is almost equally
renowned as a horseman. "He sits the Woolsack," a hard-riding Peer has
said of him, "almost as though he were part of it."
Of this tendency to break away from the Bar Dr. ADDISON is one of the
pleasantest examples. We Englishmen surely owe as much to our great
physicians as to our great lawyers, and in some cases indeed the
fees are even higher. After the Demosthenic periods and Ciceronian
verbosity of some of our previous rulers Dr. ADDISON'S bright bedside
manner with an ailing or moribund Bill is a refreshing spectacle. The
shrewd face under the shock of white hair is too well known to need
description. The small black bag and the slight bulge in the top-hat,
caused by the stethoscope, are equally familiar. Nor is there wanting
in Dr. ADDISON that touch of firmness which is so necessary to a
good practitioner and in his case comes partly, no doubt, from his
Lincolnshire origin, for he was born in the county which has already
produced such men as Sir ISAAC NEWTON, the late Lord TENNYSON, M.
WORTH of Paris, the present Governor of South Australia and HEREWARD
THE WAKE.
None but the robustest of officials is allowed to direct the affairs
of the new Ministry of Health. The patron saint of its Chief is St.
Pancreas and his eupepsia is reflected in his subordinates. His junior
clerks whistle continuously, his liftmen yodel, his typists sing. Of
his own official methods I have been privileged to obtain the report
of an eye-witness. Let us suppose that, as frequently happens, a
deputation of disappointed house-hunters has arrived to see him.
_Leader of Deputation._ We want houses and we won't wait.
_Dr. Addison (tapping his forehead and glancing significantly at his
Private Secretary)._ Tck, tck! That's very serious. Shall we feel the
pulse?
[_Leader of Deputation puts his hand out. Private Secretary
takes out his watch. Sixty seconds elapse._
_Dr. Addison._ Do you take much walking exercise?
_Leader of Deputation._ No.
_Dr. Addison._ Ah, I thought as much.
"After breakfast walk a mile,
After dinner rest awhile."
What you need is a good sound constitutional every morning. If you
_see_ any houses, of course there is no objection to your _looking_ at
them. But keep on walking, mind; don't loiter. And come back to me in
a month's time and we'll see how you are then.
[_Exit Deputation, looking slightly dazed._
Almost equally successful is Dr. ADDISON'S professional method
in dealing with representatives of the Building Trades Unions. A
bricklayers' leader, let us say, has expounded at great length the
technical difficulties which prevent rapidity of construction.
_Dr. Addison_ (_softly and suddenly_). Take a deep breath.
(_Bricklayer takes it._) Say ninety-nine! (_Bricklayer tries hard._)
Where do you feel the pain?
_Bricklayer._ In the shoulders and arms.
_Dr. Addison._ Tck, tck, we must go easy. Don't take it too quickly,
and we'll have you right again before the year's out. Try three bricks
a day and come and see me in a month's time.
These, however, are not the only methods by which Dr. ADDISON has
attempted to remedy the crisis. At his suggestion a permanent
sub-committee of the Cabinet, called "The Happy Homes for Heroes'
Panel," was appointed, and it was during one of its sessions that the
bright idea of Housing Bonds was originated, I believe by Sir ALFRED
MOND. If the campaign has not met with the success which it deserves,
the cause is probably to be found in the slightly unfortunate title
whose assonance suggests to the public mind the "House of Bondage" in
the Psalms. It would have been better, I think, to adopt Mr. AUSTEN
CHAMBERLAIN'S suggestion, which was "The Cosy Cot Combine."
However, things are not as bad as they might seem, and outside one
large suburb the other day I observed a gang of bricklayers actually
in operation, anxiously hovered over by a clerk from the Ministry,
thermometer in hand.
I think I have forgotten to mention in this brief sketch that Dr.
ADDISON has a frame of iron. Since I have said it of all the other
Cabinet Ministers of whom I have spoken, I ought certainly to say it
of Dr. ADDISON too. Like Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, like Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL,
like Sir ERIC GEDDES, the MINISTER OF HEALTH AND HOUSING has a frame
of iron. All that he really needs is the concrete.