ACCORDING to _The Evening News_, lambs have already put in an
appearance in Dorset. People who expect the POET LAUREATE to rush to
the spot will be bitterly disappointed.
* * *
"What was a golden eagle doing in Lincolnshire?" asks "L.G.M." in _The
Daily Mail_. We never answer these personal questions.
* * *
The Public Libraries Committee of West Ham has declined to purchase
_The Autobiography of Margot Asquith_. It would just serve them right
if the publisher sent them a copy.
* * *
Sir R. BADEN-POWELL recently declared that men contemplating matrimony
would do well to notice whether their prospective brides gave an
inside or an outside tread. We still maintain that the safest course
is to remain single and not be trodden on either way.
* * *
The report that a British soldier has recently discovered a genuine
specimen of a small war, in which Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL had no hand
whatever, is now regarded as untrustworthy.
* * *
A Scotsman knocked down by a car in New York was given a glass of
water and quickly regained consciousness. He is now making inquiries
concerning the number of times one has to be knocked down in order to
get a drop of spirit.
* * *
Sea-gulls have been observed near the Willesden public parks. It is
assumed that they didn't know it was Willesden.
* * *
A clothing firm advertises suits to fit any figure. It is not known
what eventually happened to the man who asked them to supply him with
a suit for a figure round about thirty shillings.
* * *
An express train recently crashed through the closed gates of a
level-crossing in Yorkshire. As the driver did not pull up in order to
see what damage he had done, it is supposed that he was originally a
motorist.
* * *
Another walk from London to Brighton is being organised. It is
hoped that this habit will ultimately bring down the high cost of
travelling.
* * *
The Hammersmith Council, says a news item, has placed an order for
tiles in Belgium. Another shrewd stroke at the Sandringham hat.
* * *
"Trade combinations," declares Sir ROBERT HORNE, "are not responsible
for the increased cost of living." We agree. The struggle for our last
shilling between the dogged-as-does-it butcher and the grocer who
never knows when he is beaten is _à outrance_.
* * *
Next year is Census year, and people are kindly requested to be born
early in order to avoid the rush at the last moment.
* * *
A new bathing-suit invented by an official of the Royal Army Clothing
Department is claimed to make drowning impossible. It is said to fill
a long-felt want among young kittens.
* * *
Should this bathing-suit fail to save any person from drowning he can
call at the office and have his money back.
* * *
We are asked to deny the rumour said to be current in Manchester to
the effect that the PRIME MINISTER was contemplating publishing a
Northern edition of his New World.
* * *
"To be happy, marry a brown-eyed girl," says _The Daily Graphic_. A
correspondent writes to say that he invariably does.
* * *
"My lodger," said a complainant at Clerkenwell Police Court,
"threatens to tear me up into pieces." It was pointed out to him that
this would be a breach of the law.
* * *
During a duel on the cliffs near Boulogne one of the combatants
deliberately fired his revolver into the sea, whereupon the other
immediately fired into the air. There seems to be no end to the
dangers which beset submarine-sailors and airmen.
* * *
A few days ago an angler at Southend-on-Sea fished up a silver chain
purse containing four one-pound notes. His claim that a large leather
wallet containing several fivers and a diamond ring broke the line and
got away after a terrific struggle is being received with the usual
caution.
* * *
The many critics of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL should remember that
telephones are all right if people would only let them alone.
* * *
Our heart goes out to the veteran philosopher who, when caught
climbing apple-trees in a farmer's orchard, pleaded that he had been
tampering with a thyroid gland.
* * *
Five million typhoid germs, the property of Mr. JOHN GIBBON, are said
to be at large in Philadelphia, according to _The Daily Express_. One
of them is said to have got away disguised as a measle.
* * *
According to _The Daily Mail_ a panic was recently caused in a
Manchester tea-room by a rat which took refuge in the leg of a
gentleman's trousers. This may not mean that the need of a new style
of rat-proof trouser has attracted the interest of Carmelite House
publicity agents, but we have our apprehensions.
* * *
"Hard work will kill no one," declares a literary editor. Most people,
of course, prefer an occupation with a spice of danger about it.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Son._ "MUVVER, TELL ME 'OW FARVER GOT TER KNOW YER."
_Mother._ "ONE DYE I FELL INTO THE WATER AN' 'E JUMPED IN AN' FISHED
ME AHT."
_Son_ (_thoughtfully_). "H'M, THET'S FUNNY; 'E WON'T LET ME LEARN TER
SWIM."]
* * * * *
"Madame ----, Dressmaker, Milliner, and Ladies' making paths, tree
lifting; planting; would suit nursery."--_Provincial Paper._
But would she do plain sowing?
* * * * *
=THE STANDARD GOLF-BALL.=
I do not want a standard ball,
So many to the pound;
Whether its girth is trim and svelte
Or built to take an out-size belt,
I hardly seem to care at all
So long as it is round.
But it appears to my poor wit
That we might well contrive
A means by which the merest babe
Would hold his own with MITCHELL (ABE),
If we could have a standard _hit_
(Especially the drive).
I want a limit made to bar
The unrestricted whack
(A hundred yards I think should be
The length on which we might agree),
And if you pushed the ball too far
You'd have to bring it back.
And I should love a standard _lie_.
A ball inside a cup
Or latent under sand or whin
Hampers my progress toward the pin;
It would improve my game if I
Could lift and tee it up.
But most, when tongues of golfers wag,
Talking their dreadful shop
Of rotten luck and stymies laid
And chip-approaches, TAYLOR-made--
Oh, then I want a standard _gag_
To make the blighters stop.