outlandish calico costume of the mountains, was summoned as a witness
in court to tell what she knew about a fight in her house. She took the
witness-stand with evidences of backwardness and proverbial Bourbon
verdancy. The Judge asked her in a kindly voice what took place. She
insisted it did not amount to much, but the Judge by his persistency
finally got her to tell the story of the bloody fracas.
“Now, I tell ye, Jedge, it didn’t amount to nuthn’. The fust I knowed
about it was when Bill Saunder called Tom Smith a liar, en Tom knocked
him down with a stick o’ wood. One o’ Bill’s friends then cut Tom with
a knife, slicin’ a big chunk out o’ him. Then Sam Jones, who was a
friend of Tom’s, shot the other feller and two more shot him, en three
or four others got cut right smart by somebody. That nachly caused some
excitement, Jedge, en then they commenced fightin’.”
Guarding Against Future Mistakes
An early morning customer in an optician’s shop was a young woman with
a determined air. She addressed the first salesman she saw. “I want to
look at a pair of eyeglasses, sir, of extra magnifying power.”
“Yes, ma’am,” replied the salesman; “something very strong?”
“Yes, sir. While visiting in the country I made a very painful blunder
which I never want to repeat.”
“Indeed! Mistook a stranger for an acquaintance?”
“No, not exactly that; I mistook a bumblebee for a blackberry.”
A Mistake on Both Sides
An old gentleman on board one of the numerous steamers which ply
between Holyhead and the Irish coast missed his handkerchief, and
accused a soldier standing by his side of stealing it, which the
soldier, an Irishman, denied. Some few minutes afterward the gentleman
found the missing article in his hat; he was then most profuse in his
apologies to the soldier.
“Not another wurrd,” said Pat; “it was a misthake on both sides—ye took
me for a thafe, and I took ye for a gintlemon.”
Sauce for the Gander
A busy merchant was about to leave his home in Brixton for a trip on
the Continent, and his wife, knowing his aversion to letter-writing,
reminded him gently of the fact that she and the children would be
lonely in his absence and anxious as to his welfare from day to day.
Kissing him affectionately, she said:
“Now, John, you must be eyes and ears for us at home and drop us an
occasional post-card telling us anything of interest. Don’t forget,
will you, dear?”
The husband promised. The next morning his wife received a postal-card:
“Dear wife, I reached Dover all right. Yours aff.”
Though somewhat disappointed she thought her husband must have been
pressed for time. Two days later, however, another card arrived, with
the startling announcement: “Here I am in Paris. Yours ever.” And still
later: “I am indeed in Paris. Yours.”
Then the wife decided to have a little fun and seized her pen and
wrote: “Dear husband, the children and I are at Brixton. Yours.”
A few days later she wrote again: “We are still in Brixton.”
In her last communication she grew more enthusiastic: “Dear husband,
here we are in Brixton. I repeat it, sir, we are in Brixton. P.S.—We
are, indeed.”
In due time her husband reached home, fearing that his poor wife had
temporarily lost her senses, and hastened to ask the meaning of her
strange messages. With a winning smile she handed him his own three
postal-cards.
Those Hits at “The Journal”
“Life” has the latest and best of those jokes aimed at this magazine,
which seem so popular.
This time it is of a mighty hunter who has just killed, by a single
shot, a tiger of incredible immensity.
After the great feat a friend standing by says to the man of brawn:
“Mighty steady nerves you must have. That beast was right on you! How
do you explain it?”
“Easy enough,” says the mighty hunter. “I bathe three times a day,
never touch meat, fruit, cereals, stimulants or tobacco, drink five
gallons of water after every meal, and read nothing but THE LADIES’
HOME JOURNAL.”
Easing His Conscience
The Rev. Mr. Goodman (inspecting himself in mirror): “Caroline, I don’t
really believe I ought to wear this wig. It looks like living a lie.”
“Bless your heart, Avery,” said his better half, “don’t let that
trouble you. That wig will never fool anybody for one moment.”
He Would Lose, Anyway
Here is a young physician who has never been able to smoke a cigar.
“Just one poisons me,” says the youthful doctor.
Recently the doctor was invited to a large dinner-party. When the women
had left the table cigars were accepted by all the men except the
physician. Seeing his friend refuse the cigar the host in astonishment
exclaimed:
“What, not smoking? Why, my dear fellow, you lose half your dinner!”
“Yes, I know I do,” meekly replied the doctor, “but if I smoked one I
should lose the whole of it!”
Force of Habit
A physician started a model insane asylum, says “The New York Sun,” and
set apart one ward especially for crazy motorists and chauffeurs.
Taking a friend through the building he pointed out with particular
pride the automobile ward and called attention to its elegant
furnishings and equipment.
“But,” said the friend, “the place is empty; I don’t see any patients.”
“Oh, they are all under the cots fixing the slats,” explained the
physician.
What “R. S. V. P.” Means
A young man asked a country ’squire what the letters “R. S. V. P.”
meant at the foot of an invitation. The ’squire, with a little chuckle,
answered:
“They mean, ‘Rush in, Shake hands, Victual up, and Put.’”
The Wrong Kind of a Baby
In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a
six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see
the new arrival he exclaimed:
“Oh, mamma, it hasn’t any teeth! And no hair!” Then, clasping his hands
in despair, he cried: “Somebody has done us! It’s an old baby.”
A Poser for the Salesman
“It’s not so much a durable article that I require, sir,” said Miss
Simpkins. “I want something dainty, you know; something coy, and at the
same time just a wee bit saucy—that might look well for evening wear.”
Not in the Army, After All
A Methodist negro exhorter shouted: “Come up en jine de army ob de
Lohd.”
“Ise done jined,” replied one of the congregation.
“Whar’d yoh jine?” asked the exhorter.
“In de Baptis’ Chu’ch.”
“Why, chile,” said the exhorter, “yoh ain’t in the army; yoh’s in de
navy.”
Her Literary Loves
A talented young professor who was dining one evening at the home of a
college president became very much interested in the very pretty girl
seated at his left. Conversation was somewhat fitful. Finally he
decided to guide it into literary channels, where he was more at home,
and, turning to his companion, asked;
“Are you fond of literature?”
“Passionately,” she replied. “I love books dearly.”
“Then you must admire Sir Walter Scott,” he exclaimed with sudden
animation. “Is not his ‘Lady of the Lake’ exquisite in its flowing
grace and poetic imagery? Is it not——”
“It is perfectly lovely,” she assented, clasping her hands in ecstasy.
“I suppose I have read it a dozen times.”
“And Scott’s ‘Marmion’” he continued, “with its rugged simplicity and
marvelous description—one can almost smell the heather on the heath
while perusing its splendid pages.”
“It is perfectly grand,” she murmured.
“And Scott’s ‘Peveril of the Peak’ and his noble ‘Bride of
Lammermoor’—where in the English language will you find anything more
heroic than his grand auld Scottish characters and his graphic,
forceful pictures of feudal times and customs? You like them, I am
sure.”
“I just dote upon them,” she replied.
“And Scott’s Emulsion,” he continued hastily, for a faint suspicion was
beginning to dawn upon him.
“I think,” she interrupted rashly, “that it’s the best thing he ever
wrote.”
How Grandma Viewed Them
“I’m glad Billy had the sense to marry a settled old maid,” said
Grandma Winkum at the wedding.
“Why, Grandma?” asked the son.
“Well, gals is hity-tity, and widders is kinder overrulin’ and
upsettin’. But old maids is thankful and willin’ to please.”
So Easy When it is Explained
A woman riding in a Philadelphia trolley-car said to the conductor:
“Can you tell me, please, on what trolley-cars I can use these exchange
slips? They mix me up somewhat.”
“They really shouldn’t, madam,” said the polite conductor. “It is very
simple: East of the junction by a westbound car an exchange from an
eastbound car is good only if the westbound car is west of the junction
formed by said eastbound car. South of the junction formed by a
northbound car an exchange from a southbound car is good south of the
junction if the northbound car was north of the junction at the time of
issue, but only south of the junction going south if the southbound car
was going north at the time it was south of the junction. That is all
there is to it.”
Sixty Girls Not One Too Many
A New York firm recently hung the following sign at the entrance of a
large building: “Wanted: Sixty girls to sew buttons on the sixth
floor.”
One on the President
When the President alighted at Red Hill, Virginia, a few months ago, to
see his wife’s new cottage, he noticed that an elderly woman was about
to board the train, and, with his usual courtesy, he rushed forward to
assist her. That done, he grasped her hand and gave it an “executive
shake.” This was going too far, and the woman, snatching her hand away
and eying him wrathfully, exclaimed: “Young man, I don’t know who you
are, and I don’t care a cent; but I must say you are the freshest
somebody I’ve ever seen in these parts.”
No Doubt of it
The lesson was from the “Prodigal Son,” and the Sunday-school teacher
was dwelling on the character of the elder brother. “But amidst all the
rejoicing,” he said, “there was one to whom the preparation of the
feast brought no joy, to whom the prodigal’s return gave no pleasure,
but only bitterness; one who did not approve of the feast being held,
and had no wish to attend it. Now can any of you tell who this was?”
There was a short silence, followed by a vigorous cracking of thumbs,
and then from a dozen little mouths came the chorus: “Please, sir, it
was the fatted calf.”
The Lesson Stopped
The teacher was taking a class in the infant Sabbath-school room and
was making her pupils finish each sentence to show that they understood
her.
“The idol had eyes,” the teacher said, “but it could not——”
“See,” cried the children.
“It had ears, but it could not——”
“Hear,” was the answer.
“It had lips,” she said, “but it could not——”
“Speak,” once more replied the children.
“It had a nose, but it could not——”
“Wipe it,” shouted the children; and the lesson had to stop a moment.
The Wrong One
A young man had been calling now and then on a young lady, when one
night, as he sat in the parlor waiting for her to come down, her mother
entered the room instead, and asked him in a very grave, stern way what
his intentions were.
He turned very red, and was about to stammer some incoherent reply,
when suddenly the young lady called down from the head of the stairs:
“Mamma, mamma, that is not the one.”
A Good Pair of Boots
“You know,” said a “smart” young man to a girl, “some one has said that
‘if you would make a lasting pair of boots take for the sole the tongue
of a woman.’”
“Yes,” replied the girl, “and for the uppers you ought to take the
cheek of the man who said it.”
Not Just the Right Place
A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a
crowded street car.
“Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?” he asked, looking doubtfully
at her blushing face.
“Don’t you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?” was the
low, embarrassed reply.
What Else Could He Be?
There is a man who is the head of a large family, nearly every member
of which is a performer on some kind of musical instrument.
A friend who was visiting the house of this man referred to the fact,
remarking that it must be a source of great pleasure to the family, but
to this observation the father made no reply.
“Really,” continued the friend, “it is remarkable. Your younger son is
a cornetist, both your daughters are pianists, your wife is a
violinist, and, I understand, the others are also musicians. Now what
are you, the father of such a musical combination?”
“I,” replied the old man sadly—“I am a pessimist.”
He Had to Stand Up
An American doctor built an elegant home, says the “San Francisco
Chronicle”; his bathroom was exceptionally beautiful, being of white
marble with silver hardware; a music-box was concealed in the room.
After completion of the home an Englishman came to visit the doctor.
Now the English always show great respect for their sovereign and their
country, and this one was no exception.
After showing his home to the Englishman the doctor remembered the
fondness English people have for the bath, and escorted his guest to
the bathroom, and while there turned on the music-box, wishing to give
his guest a pleasant surprise as he bathed. Then he left his friend in
the bathroom.
About an hour later the Englishman joined his host in the drawing-room.
The doctor immediately asked what his guest thought of the bathroom.
The Englishman replied: “It is beautiful, beautiful.”
“Well,” said the doctor, “how did you like my music-box?”
Said his guest with great disgust in his tones:
“Bah! That music-box! The old thing played ‘God Save the King,’ and
I had to stand up the whole time I was trying to bathe.”
His Heartbreaking Task
“Darling,” said the bride, “I had a terrible feeling of sadness come
over me this afternoon—a sort of feeling that you were doing something
that would break my heart if I knew of it. Think, sweet, what were you
doing, now, this afternoon at four o’clock?”
“Dearest,” replied the husband tenderly and reassuringly, “at that hour
I was licking stamps and pasting them on envelopes.”
Easily Accounted For
An Irishman, upon arriving in America, was asked his name at Ellis
Island. He gave it.
“Speak louder,” said the officer.
He repeated it.
“Louder,” again said the officer; “why, man, your voice is as soft as a
woman’s!”
“Well,” said Pat, “that might be. Me mother was a woman.”
The Retort Courteous!
A merry party being gathered in a city flat made such a racket that the
occupant of a neighboring apartment sent his servant down with a polite
message asking if it would be possible for the party to make less
noise, since, as the servant announced, “Mr. Smith says that he cannot
read.”
“I am very sorry for Mr. Smith,” replied the host. “Please present my
compliments to your master, say that I am sorry he cannot read, and
tell him I could when I was four years old!”
When He Left
A prominent man called to condole with a lady on the death of her
husband, and concluded by saying, “Did he leave you much?”
“Nearly every night,” was the reply.
A Popular Store
The salesman in a large department store wore a troubled look. “You
must be severely tried,” said a man standing by. “There are all sorts
and conditions of people in the world,”
“Yes, there are,” said the salesman, “and they’re all here, too!”
He Couldn’t Bend
A young man engaged board and lodging in a private family who were
extremely devout. Before each meal a long grace was said. To their
dismay and horror the new boarder sat bolt upright while the others at
table reverently bowed their heads. When the second day passed and the
young man evinced no disposition to unbend, the good lady of the house
could endure the situation no longer.
“Atheism?” asked she sharply.
“No, madam,” humbly responded the new boarder; “boil.”
Really, All the Same
As the railroad train was stopping an old lady, not accustomed to
traveling, hailed the passing conductor and asked:
“Conductor, what door shall I get out by?”
“Either door, ma’am,” graciously answered the conductor. “The car stops
at both ends.”
He Had a Good Excuse
“Good-morning, Mrs. Stubbins,” said the parson; “is your husband at
home?”
“’E’s ’ome, sir, but ’e’s abed,” replied Mrs. Stubbins, who had just
finished hanging a pair of recently-patched trousers on the
clothesline.
“How is it he didn’t come to church on Sunday? You know we must have
our hearts in the right place.”
“Lor’, sir,” retorted the faithful wife, “’is ’eart’s all right. It’s
’is trouziz!”
One of Lincoln’s Little Notes
President Lincoln once wrote to General McClellan, when the latter was
in command of the army. General McClellan, as is well known, conducted
a waiting campaign, being so careful not to make any mistakes that he
made very little headway. President Lincoln sent this brief but
exceedingly pertinent letter:
“_My Dear McClellan:_ If you don’t want to use the army I should like
to borrow it for a while.”
“Yours respectfully,
A. LINCOLN.”
Fair Play
A group of drummers were trading yarns on the subject of hospitality,
says “Lippincott’s Magazine,” when one of them took up his parable
thus:
“I was down in Louisiana last month travelin’ cross country when we
kinder got lost in a lonesome sort of road just about dark, and when we
saw a light ahead I tell you it looked first rate. We drove up to the
light, findin’ ’twas a house, and when I hollered the man came out and
we asked him to take us in for the night. He looked at us mighty hard,
then said, ‘Wall, I reckon I kin stand it if you kin.’
“So we unhitched, went in, and found ’twas only a two-room shanty and
just swarmin’ with children. He had six from four to ’leven years old,
and as there didn’t seem to be but one bed, me an’ Stony was wonderin’
what in thunder would become of us.
“They gave us supper, and then the old woman put the two youngest kids
to bed. They went straight to sleep. Then she took those out, laid them
over in the corner, put the next two to bed, and so on. After all the
children were asleep on the floor the old folks went in the other room
and told us we could go to bed if we wanted to, and, bein’ powerful
tired out, we did.
“Well, sir, the next morning when we woke up we was lying over in the
corner with the kids, and the old man and the old woman had the bed!”
Cold Comfort That
A country minister who lived quite a distance from his church was
overtaken on the way over one Sunday morning by a heavy shower. The
rain poured in torrents, and by the time he arrived at the church he
was almost drenched. Shaking the water from his hat and coat he
remarked:
“Really, friends, I am almost too wet to preach.”
“Oh, never mind,” replied one of his congregation; “you’ll be dry
enough in the pulpit!”
A “Billet-Doux”
She was a winsome country lass,
So William on a brief vacation,
The time more pleasantly to pass,
Essayed flirtation.
And while they strolled in twilight dim,
As near the time for parting drew,
Asked if she would have from him
A “billet-doux.”
Now this simple maid of French knew naught,
But doubting not ’twas something nice,
Shyly she lifted her pretty head,
Her rosy lips together drew, and coyly said,
“Yes, Billy—do,”
And William—did.
When Pat Laughed Last
A short time ago two Englishmen on a visit to Ireland hired a boat for
the purpose of having a sail.
One of the Britons, thinking he would have a good joke at Pat’s
expense, asked him if he knew anything about astrology.
“Be jabers, no,” said Pat.
“Then that’s the best part of your life just lost,” answered the
Englishman.
The second Englishman then asked Pat if he knew anything about
theology.
“Be jabers, no,” answered Pat.
“Well,” the second said, “I must say that’s the very best part of your
life lost.”
A few minutes later a sudden squall arose and the boat capsized. Pat
began to swim. The Britons, however, could not swim, and both called
loudly to Pat to help them.
“Do you know anything about swimology?” asked Pat.
“No,” answered both Englishmen.
“Well, be jabers,” replied Pat, “then both of your lives is lost!”
Could Eat, but Couldn’t See
A farmer who went to a large city to see the sights engaged a room at a
hotel, and before retiring asked the clerk about the hours for dining.
“We have breakfast from six to eleven, dinner from eleven to three, and
supper from three to eight,” explained the clerk.
“Wa-al, say,” inquired the farmer in surprise, “what time air I goin’
ter git ter see the town?”
How She Got It
A little girl was sent by her mother to the grocery store with a jug
for a quart of vinegar.
“But, mamma,” said the little one, “I can’t say that word.”
“But you must try,” said the mother, “for I must have vinegar and
there’s no one else to send.”
So the little girl went with the jug, and as she reached the counter of
the store she pulled the cork out of the jug with a pop, swung the jug
on the counter with a thud, and said to the astonished clerk:
“There! Smell of that and give me a quart!”
What the “Grip” Is
Asked what made him look so ill, an Irishman replied, “Faith, I had the
grip last winter.” To draw him out the questioner asked, “What is the
grip, Patrick?”
“The grip!” he says. “Don’t you know what the grip is? It’s a disease
that makes you sick six months after you get well!”
Wouldn’t Have Been Strange
Two women were strangers to each other at a reception. After a few
moments’ desultory talk the first said rather querulously:
“I don’t know what’s the matter with that tall, blond gentleman over
there. He was so attentive a while ago, but he won’t look at me now.”
“Perhaps,” said the other, “he saw me come in. He’s my husband.”
A Place for Jeremiah
A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on the
prophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last he
finished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took a
long breath and continued: “Now I shall proceed to the major prophets.”
After the major prophets had received more than ample attention the
congregation gave another sigh of relief.
“Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the major
prophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah’s place?”
At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. “Jeremiah can
have my place,” he said; “I’m going home.”
The One Thing He Wanted
After waiting the usual five or ten minutes the new arrival was served
with the first dinner course of soup. Hesitating a moment as he glanced
at his plate, the guest said to the waiter:
“I can’t eat this soup.”
“I’ll bring you another kind, sir,” said the waiter as he took it away.
“Neither can I eat this soup!” said the guest a trifle more
emphatically, when the second plate was served.
The waiter, angrily but silently, for the third time brought a plate of
soup.
“I simply can’t eat this soup!” once more said the guest, in a low,
emphatic tone.
By this time the waiter was furious and called the hotel proprietor,
while the guests at the nearby table looked over that way with curious
glances.
“Really, sir, this is unusual. May I ask why can’t you eat any of our
soups?” demanded the proprietor.
“Because I have no spoon,” replied the guest quietly.
Why He Would Like It
The little son of the minister, at Sunday dinner, said at the family
table:
“Father, I wish I could be ‘a doorkeeper in the House of the Lord,’ as
you said this morning.”
“Indeed,” said the minister-father, with a pleased look across the
table at his wife.
“Yes,” said the boy, “for then I wouldn’t have to listen to the
sermon.”
Why Mr. Duffy’s Nose was Red
The late Mr. Duffy, of Keene, New Hampshire, says “The Boston Herald,”
was well known for his life-long total abstinence from intoxicants,
which seemed somewhat at variance with the fact that his nose was very
red.
On one occasion, when on business in a liquor saloon in his
neighborhood, a drummer came in to sell cigars. To gain the good graces
of the bartender he invited all in the place to drink, to which
invitation all readily responded save Mr. Duffy.
The drummer went to him, and slapping him on the shoulder, said: “I
say, old man, what are you going to have?”
“I thank you, sir-r, but I niver dhrink,” was Duffy’s quiet reply.
“What, you never drink?” said the drummer with a sarcastic laugh. “Now,
if you never drink, will you please tell me what makes that nose of
yours so red?”
The impertinence of the questioner at once aroused the irascibility of
the old gentleman, and he replied: “Sir-r, it is glowing with proid
because it is kept out of other people’s business.”
Why He Knew
A prominent Judge, who was an enthusiastic golfer, had occasion to
question a boy witness in a criminal suit.
“Now, my boy,” said the Judge, “are you sure that you know the nature
and significance of an oath—that is, what an oath really means?”
The boy looked up at the Judge in surprise, and then answered:
“Why, of course I do, Judge. Don’t I caddy for you at the Country
Club?”
Her Idea of Remembrance
Two negroes were talking about a recent funeral of a member of their
race, at which funeral there had been a profusion of floral tributes.
Said the cook: