my grave. Jes plant a good old watermelon-vine; an’ when she gits ripe
you come dar, an’ don’t you eat it, but jes bus’ it on de grave, an’
let de good old juice dribble down thro’ de ground!”
Did He Win Her?
Conversation lagged for a moment, according to a “Life” story, then, as
he sipped his tea, he remarked quietly, but with a meaning emphasis,
“You are to be married.”
“Mercy me! To whom?” was the startled reply.
“To me; I came today on purpose to tell you.”
The Dog wasn’t Touched
“Madam,” said the conductor as he punched a ticket, “I am very sorry,
but you can’t have your dog in this car. It is against the rules.”
“I shall hold him in my lap all the way,” she replied, “and he will not
disturb any one.”
“That makes no difference,” said the conductor. “Dogs must ride in the
baggage-car. I’ll take and fasten him for you.”
“Don’t you touch my dog, sir,” exclaimed the young lady excitedly. “I
will trust him to no one,” and with indignant tread she marched to the
baggage-car, tied her dog and said: “Remember, please, I don’t want a
soul here to touch my dog or untie him: you understand?”
The baggage crew said they did.
As the train approached her station the young lady, hailing the
conductor, asked: “Is my dog all right?”
“I don’t know, miss,” replied the conductor.
“Don’t know?” she replied. “Why don’t you know? It’s your business to
know. You haven’t touched him or untied him?”
“No; we didn’t touch or untie him, and that’s just it. You tied him to
a trunk checked for two stations back. The trunk had to be put off, and
so we threw the dog off with the trunk!”
Not the Kind She Wanted
“Which way, please, to the corset department?” she asked of the
floor-walker.
“Straight back, madam.”
“No, not straight back,” was the reply. “I want a straight front.”
His Last Request
JUDGE (to prisoner just condemned to death): “You have the legal right
to express a last wish, and if it is possible it will be granted,”
PRISONER (a barber): “I should like just once more to be allowed to
shave the District Attorney.”
Why He Really Wanted to Go
“Would you mind if I went into the smoking-car, dear?” asked the
bridegroom in a tender voice.
“What! to smoke, sweetheart?” questioned the bride.
“Oh, dear, no,” replied the young husband; “I want to experience the
agony of being away from you, so that the joy of my return will be all
the more intensified.”
No End to This Game for Two
Said He: “It is sweeter to give than receive.
Of a whipping this doubtless is true,
But of kissing I cannot believe
It holds good, till I’ve tried it. Can you?”
Said She; “I don’t know; let’s each give and receive,
And so come to proof of the prop.
Now you give, and I’ll take, and we’ll leave
The one to decide who cries ‘Stop!’”
And This in Boston!
A man who has just returned from Boston is “chortling” over a good joke
on that correct and literary city. He says that in the reading-room of
one of the most exclusive clubs in the Hub there is a sign that reads:
ONLY LOW CONVERSATION PERMITTED HERE
Man Wants but Little, etc.
“Please, mum,” said a tramp, “would you be so kind as to let me have a
needle and thread?”
“Well, y-e-s,” said the housewife at the door, “I can let you have
that.”
“Thankee, mum. Now, you’d oblige me very much if you’d let me have a
bit of cloth for a patch.”
“Yes, here is some.”
“Thankee very much, mum. It’s a little different color from my suit, I
see. Perhaps, mum, you could spare me some of your husband’s old
clothes that this patch will match.”
“Well, I declare! You’re clever, my man, and I’ll give you an old suit.
Here is one.”
“Thankee greatly, mum. I see it’s a little large, mum, but if you’ll
kindly furnish me with a square meal, mebby I can fill it out.”
It Certainly Tickled Them
An amateur artist contributed a painting to the academy for the first
time. With natural curiosity he said to the carrier, “Did you see my
picture safely delivered?”
“Indeed I did,” replied the man, “and mighty pleased they seemed to be
with it—leastways, if I may jedge, sir. They didn’t say nothin’, but,
Lor’! how they did laugh when they got a light on it!”
Cured Without Medicine
A clergyman has had in his employ for so long a time a colored man
named Julian that the latter has come to regard himself as something of
a confidential adviser to the divine.
Early one Sunday morning the pastor awoke feeling decidedly ill. After
a futile attempt at breakfast, he summoned his old and faithful
servitor, saying:
“Julian, I want you to go to my assistant, and tell him that, as I am
unwell, he will officiate for me in this morning’s service.”
At this Julian demurred, and, after some argument, persuaded his master
that he would feel better if he officiated as usual. This the latter
did, and, as predicted by the servant, he did return home feeling much
better.
“Youse better, sah?” asked the man, meeting his master at the door.
“Very much better, thank you, Julian.”
The servant grinned. “What did I tell you, sah? I knowed you’d be all
right jest as soon as you got that sermon outer your system.”
Enthusiasm Squelched
An enthusiastic citizen, about to visit Europe, was rejoicing over the
fact and the pleasures to come.
“How delightful it will be,” he said to his wife, “to tread the
bounding billow and inhale the invigorating oxygen of the sea, the sea,
the boundless sea! I long to see it! To breathe in great drafts of
life-giving air. I shall want to stand every moment on the prow of the
steamer with my mouth open——”
“You probably will, dear,” interrupted his wife encouragingly.
“That’s the way all the ocean travelers do.”
Definitive
The schoolmaster was trying to explain the meaning of the word
“conceited,” which had occurred in the course of the reading lesson.
“Now, boys,” he said, “suppose that I was always boasting of my
learning—that I knew a good deal o’ Latin, for instance, or that my
personal appearance was—that I was very good-looking, y’ know—what
should you say I was?”
Straightforward Boy: “Sure, sir, I’d say you was a liar, sir!”
Wanted to Give Her Every Chance
The clerk was most obliging, but the young woman customer was hard to
please. Roll after roll of blankets did he patiently take down and show
to her; nothing suited.
For some fifteen minutes this mock sale went on, then the young woman
said condescendingly, “Well, I don’t intend to buy. I was just looking
for a friend.”
“Wait a moment, madam,” cried the clerk. “There is one more blanket
left on the shelf. Maybe you will find your friend in it.”
Murder Will Out
The newly-graduated daughter who had decided to become an artist had
returned to her Boston home. “I am glad that your mind has taken a turn
toward art, for you know that more is expected of you now than if you
lived in Chicago,” said her proud parent.
“Yes, Father,” she replied dutifully, with downcast eyes.
“And I hope that you will distinguish yourself in more than one way.”
“Yes, Father.”
“I particularly desire that you become noted as an essayist also,”
continued the ambitious parent.
“Yes, Father,” was the still modest reply.
“I have spared neither pains nor expense in your education thus far,
but notwithstanding this immense outlay of time and money, if you can
think of anything which you believe will add to your equipment for the
career which you are about to begin—if you can suggest some other way
of refining your taste, please do so. Do you know of anything else, my
dear?”
“Yes, Father,” and this time the downcast eyes were raised and looked
hopefully into his.
“Speak out; never mind the expense.”
“Well, Father, I’d like to go this afternoon and see Sullivan thump
that yap from the country.”
Taking Mamma at Her Word
MOTHER: “Ethel, you naughty child, what have you been doing to make
Charlie cry so?”
ETHEL: “I’ve only been sharing my cod-liver oil with him, mamma. You
said it was so nice.”
It Was Worse Than Bigotry
A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
discovered that his clerk was absent. “Here, officer,” he said, “what’s
this man charged with?”
“Bigotry, your Honor,” replied the policeman. “He’s got three wives.”
The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
ignorance. “Why, officer,” he said, “that’s not bigotry—that’s
trigonometry.”
A Devotional Turn of Mind
As the new minister of the village was on his way to evening service he
met a rising young man of the place whom he was anxious to have become
an active member of the church.
“Good-evening, my young friend,” he said solemnly; “do you ever attend
a place of worship?”
“Yes, indeed, sir; regularly, every Sunday night,” replied the young
fellow with a smile. “I’m on my way to see her now.”
Poor Little Chap!
A little boy from the slums had been taken out into the country for the
first time. After a bit he was found sitting, all by himself, on a high
bank, and gazing wistfully out over the hills.
The woman who had made the little excursion possible quietly seated
herself at the youngster’s side. To her the child turned a radiant face
and asked:
“Say, it’s dern pretty, ain’t it? Is this all in the United States?”
The Horse Had a Habit
At an annual series of races “for all comers,” the sun was blazing down
on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all waiting for a tall,
raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the starter and get
into line.
The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. “Bring up that
horse!” he shouted. “Bring him up!”
The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back; “I
can’t! This here’s been a cab-horse, and he won’t start till he hears
the door shut, an’ I ain’t got no door!”
She Won Her Uncle
Uncle Harry was a bachelor and not fond of babies. Even winsome
four-year-old Helen failed to win his heart. Every one made too much
fuss over the youngster, Uncle Harry declared.
One day Helen’s mother was called downstairs and with fear and
trembling asked Uncle Harry, who was stretched out on a sofa, if he
would keep his eye on Helen. Uncle Harry grunted “Yes,” but never
stirred from his position—in truth his eyes were tight shut.
By-and-by wee Helen tiptoed over to the sofa and leaning over Uncle
Harry softly inquired:
“Feepy?”
“No,” growled Uncle Harry.
“Tired?” ventured Helen.
“No,” said her uncle.
“Sick?” further inquired Helen, with real sympathy in her voice.
“No,” still insisted Uncle Harry.
“Dus’ feel bum, hey?”
And that won the uncle!
Still He Wondered
One of the physicians at a popular winter health-resort was looking
over his books one day, comparing his list of patients. “I had a great
many more patients last year than I have this,” he remarked to his
wife. “I wonder where they have all gone to?”
“Well, never mind, dear,” she replied. “You know all we can do is to
hope for the best.”
A Lesson In It
“The trouble with you ladies of the W.C.T.U. is,” said a man to a
member of that organization, “that instead of opposing the christening
of a vessel with champagne, you ought to encourage it and draw from it
a great temperance lesson.”
“Why, how can we?” asked the “white ribboner.”
“Well,” was the reply, “after the first taste of wine the ship takes to
water and sticks to it ever after.”
It Was His Privilege
As an express train was going through a station, says “Tit-Bits,” one
of the passengers leaned too far out of the window, overbalanced and
fell out. He fortunately landed on a sand heap, so that he did himself
no great injury, but, with torn clothes and not a few bruises, said to
a porter who was standing by:
“What shall I do?”
“You’re all right, mister,” said the porter. “Your ticket allows you to
stop off.”
Still Hopeful
“Well, Jimmy,” said his employer, “I don’t see how you are going to get
out to any ball-games this season; your grandmother died four times
last summer.”
“Oh, yes, I can, sir,” answered Jimmy. “Grandpapa has married again,
although it was very much against the wishes of the family.”
He Thought She Ought to Know It
“No, I haven’t anything for you today. You are the man I gave some pie
to a fortnight ago?”
“Yis, lidy, thank you; I come back because I thought p’r’aps you’d like
to know I’m able to get about again.”
A Possible Substitute
“What have you in the shape of cucumbers this morning?” asked the
customer of the new grocery clerk.
“Nothing but bananas, ma’am,” was the reply.
One on the Preachers
The preachers in a certain coast town noted for its Sabbath observance
were greatly incensed over the fact that printed cards bearing the name
of a well-known shipbuilding firm had been received by prominent
citizens, inviting them to attend the launching of a vessel on the next
Sunday afternoon, the reason being given that the tide was highest on
that day.
Sunday came and in every church the launching was widely advertised and
denounced, and it was not until late in the day that some one
remembered it was April the first.
Charlie Remembered Her Well
A young married woman of social prominence and respectability was to
unite with the church in her home town and desired the ordinance of
baptism by immersion, preferring the primitive custom of going to the
river. Among the number that gathered to witness the baptism was a
little boy friend, Charlie, about four years old. The proceedings were
entirely new to the child, and he looked on with strange curiosity as
the candidate was led into the water. The spring freshets had made the
river somewhat turbulent, and it was with difficulty that the minister
maintained his footing. During the following week the young woman
called at the home of this family, and after the usual greetings said
to the little boy as she extended her hand: “Come here, Charlie, and
see me. You don’t know who I am, do you?” she continued. “Yes, indeed I
do,” said the boy. “You’s that woman who went in swimmin’ with the
minister on Sunday.”
Couldn’t Follow Him
“John,” said Farmer Foddershucks to his college-bred son, who was home
on a vacation, “hev ye noticed Si Mullet’s oldest gal lately? Strikes
me she’s gettin’ ter be a right likely critter, hey?”
“She’s as beautiful as Hebe,” agreed John enthusiastically.
“Aw, shucks!” grunted Farmer F. “She’s a blame sight purtier ’n he be.
Why, he ain’t no beauty. She gits it f’m her mother’s folks.”
Frivolity of Outward Show
Dear old Aunt Jane was making a visit in the early spring at the home
of her newly-married niece, and spring clothes was the all-absorbing
topic of conversation in the family.
“I feel sure this hat’s not broad enough in the brim, Aunt Jane,” said
the worldly niece, who wanted to appear just as bewitching to her young
husband as she did in her going-away costume.
“What does it matter, child! Look at me!” replied Aunt Jane, in a
comforting tone. “I put on anything! Don’t I look all right?”
Just as Well
A Scotsman went to a dentist with a toothache. The dentist told him he
would only get relief by having it out.
“Then I must hae gas,” said the Scotsman.
While the dentist was getting it ready the Scot began to count his
money.
The dentist said, somewhat testily, “You need not pay until the tooth
is out.”
“I ken that,” said the Scotsman, “but as ye’re aboot to mak’ me
unconscious I jist want to see hoo I stan’.”
The Same, Only a Little Different
They were newly married, according to “The New York Sun,” and on a
honeymoon trip. They put up at a skyscraper hotel. The bridegroom felt
indisposed and the bride said she would slip out and do a little
shopping. In due time she returned and tripped blithely up to her room,
a little awed by the number of doors that looked all alike. But she was
sure of her own and tapped gently on the panel.
“I’m back, honey; let me in,” she whispered.
No answer.
“Honey, honey, let me in!” she called again, rapping louder. Still no
answer.
“Honey, honey, it’s Mabel. Let me in.”
There was silence for several seconds; then a man’s voice, cold and
full of dignity, came from the other side of the door:
“Madam, this is not a beehive; it’s a bathroom.”
For Him to Decide
“Well, well,” said the absent-minded professor, as he stood knee-deep
in the bathtub, “what did I get in here for?”
A Large Corporation
An old lady, traveling for the first time in a large city, saw a
glaring sign on the front of a high building which read, “The Smith
Manufacturing Company.”
As she repeated it aloud slowly she remarked to her nephew: “Lawsy
mercy! Well, I’ve hearn tell of Smiths all my life, but I never knew
before where they made ’em.”
Accommodating Man
One day, after the brakeman had been pointing out the window and
explaining the scenery, says the Denver “News,” one of the passengers
whispered to the conductor: “Conductor, can you tell me how that
brakeman lost his finger? He seems to be a very nice fellow. It seems a
pity he should be crippled.”
“That’s just it, ma’am. He is a good fellow. He is so obliging that he
just wore his finger off pointing out the scenery along the line.”
The Early Bird
The card “Boy Wanted” had been swinging from the window of a publishing
house only a few minutes when a red-headed little tad climbed to the
publisher’s office with the sign under his arm.
“Say, mister,” he demanded of the publisher, “did youse hang out this
here ‘Boy Wanted’ sign?”
“I did,” replied the publisher sternly. “Why did you tear it down?”
Back of his freckles the youngster was gazing in wonder at the man’s
stupidity.
“Hully gee!” he blurted. “Why, I’m the boy!”
And he was.
No Wonder He Asked “Why?”
Edward had just returned from foreign service, and his brow was
troubled.
“I gave you that parrot as a birthday present, did I not, Amelia?” he
asked.
“Yes; but surely, Teddy, you are not going to speak of your tokens as
if——”
“It was young and speechless at the time.”
“Yes”—with increasing wonder—“and it has never been out of this
parlor.”
“There are no other young ladies in this house?”
“No; there are not.”
“Then why—why, when I k-kissed your photograph in yonder album, while
waiting for you, did that wretched bird imitate your voice and say:
‘Don’t do that, Herbert, please don’t!’”
The Safest Place
A city gentleman was recently invited down to the country for “a day
with the birds.” His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the
great disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally
regulated by the size of the bag.
“Dear me!” at last exclaimed the sportsman, “but the birds seem
exceptionally strong on the wing this year.”
“Not all of ’em, sir,” was the answer. “You’ve shot at the same bird
about a dozen times. ’E’s a-follerin’ you about, sir.”
“Following me about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?”
“Well, sir,” came the reply. “I dunno, I’m sure, unless ’e’s ’angin’
’round you for safety.”
An Inspiring Model
Little Johnnie, having in his possession a couple of bantam hens, which
laid very small eggs, suddenly hit on a plan. Going the next morning to
the fowl-run, Johnnie’s father was surprised to find an ostrich egg
tied to one of the beams, and above it a card, with the words:
“Keep your eye on this and do your best.”
When the Honeymoon Began
A minister in a Western town was called upon one afternoon to perform
the marriage ceremony between a negro couple—the negro preacher of the
town being absent from home.
After the ceremony the groom asked the price of the service.
“Oh, well,” said the minister, “you can pay me whatever you think it is
worth to you.”
The negro turned and silently looked his bride over from head to foot,
then, slowly rolling up the whites of his eyes, said:
“Lawd, sah, you has done ruined me for life, you has, for sure.”
And She Kept on Smoking
“Aunt Chloe, do you think you are a Christian?” asked a preacher of an
old negro woman who was smoking a pipe.
“Yes, brudder, I ’spects I is.”
“Do you believe in the Bible?”
“Yes, brudder.”
“Do you know there is a passage in the Scripture that declares that
nothing unclean shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven?”
“Yes, I’se heard of it.”
“Well, you smoke, and there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a
smoker. So what do you say to that?”
“Well, when I go dere I ’spects to leave my breff behind me.”
Doubtful Assurances
“Do you think they approved of my sermon?” asked the newly-appointed
rector, hopeful that he had made a good impression.
“Yes, I think so,” replied his wife; “they were all nodding.”
A New Use for an Apple
The tailor’s sign in a little inland town was an apple, simply an
apple. The people were amazed at it. They came in crowds to the tailor,
asking him what on earth the meaning of the sign was.
The tailor with a complacent smile replied:
“If it hadn’t been for an apple where would the clothing business be
today?”
It Looked That Way
“Is Mike Clancy here?” asked the visitor at the quarry, just after the
premature explosion.
“No, sor,” replied Costigan; “he’s gone.”
“For good?”
“Well, sor, he wint in that direction.”
Music Touched His Heart
A thief broke into a Madison Avenue mansion early the other morning and
found himself in the music-room. Hearing footsteps approaching, he took
refuge behind a screen.
From eight to nine o’clock the eldest daughter had a singing lesson.
From nine to ten o’clock the second daughter took a piano lesson.
From ten to eleven o’clock the eldest son had a violin lesson.
From eleven to twelve o’clock the other son had a lesson on the flute.
At twelve-fifteen all the brothers and sisters assembled and studied an
ear-splitting piece for voice, piano, violin and flute.
The thief staggered out from behind the screen at twelve-forty-five,
and falling at their feet, cried:
“For Heaven’s sake, have me arrested!”
Some Amusing Blunders
A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special
communion service on the following Sunday informed them that “the Lord
is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening.”
A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his
people, “Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as
we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazar
can do for us.”
There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate
who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason
than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over his
audience, “I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you has
come here for that reason.”
A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great
missionary colleges, said, “Give us all pure hearts, give us all clean
hearts, give us all sweet hearts,” to which the entire congregation
made response, “Amen.”
The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the
unwary. “During Lent,” said a rector lately, “several preachers will
preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as they
will be all found hanging up in the porch.”
They Come High—But
A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank,
promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him about three doors
away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the man said, “That was
half a dollar easily earned, son.”
“Sure,” said the boy, “but youse mustn’t fergit that bank directors is
paid high in Noo Yawk.”
At Any Cost
A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he
repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.
“Oh, bredern, at de las’ day dere’s gwine to be sheep and dere’s gwine
to be goats. Who’s gwine to be de sheep, an’ who’s gwine to be de
goats? Let’s all try to be like de li’l white lambs, bredern. Shall we
be de goats, sisters? Naw, we’s gwine to be de sheep. Who’s gwine to be
de sheep, bredern, an’ who’s gwine to be de goats? Tak’ care ob youh
souls, sisters; tak’ care ob youh souls. Remember, dere’s gwine to be
goats an’ sheep. Who’s gwine to be de sheep an’ who’s gwine to be de
goats?”
Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the
church, listening attentively, rose and said:
“Oi’ll be the goat. Go on; tell us the joke, Elder. Oi’ll be the goat!”
Where Was Bill?
Bill Jones is a country storekeeper down in Louisiana, and last spring
he went to New Orleans to purchase a stock of goods. The goods were
shipped immediately and reached home before he did. When the boxes of
goods were delivered at his store by the drayman his wife happened to
look at the largest; she uttered a loud cry and called for a hammer. A
neighbor, hearing the screams, rushed to her assistance and asked what
was the matter. The wife, pale and faint, pointed to an inscription on
the box which read as follows;
“Bill inside.”