pants.”
He Wanted to Know
A bishop in full robes of office, with his gown reaching to his feet,
was teaching a Sunday-school class. At the close he said he would be
glad to answer any questions.
A little hand went up, and he asked: “Well, my boy?”
“Can I ask?” said the boy.
“Certainly,” said the Bishop; “what is it?”
“Well,” asked the boy, “is dem all you’ve got on, or do you wear pants
under dem?”
Woman’s Love and Man’s Love
“There’s just two things that break up most happy homes,” observed a
philosopher.
“What’s them?” inquired a listener.
“Woman’s love for dry goods an’ man’s love for wet goods, b’gosh!”
Much Simpler
At a country fair out in Kansas a man went up to a tent where some elk
were on exhibition, and stared wistfully up at the sign.
“I’d like to go in there,” he said to the keeper, “but it would be mean
to go in without my family, and I cannot afford to pay for my wife and
seventeen children.”
The keeper stared at him in astonishment. “Are all those your
children?” he gasped.
“Every one,” said the man.
“You wait a minute,” said the keeper. “I’m going to bring the elk out
and let them see you all.”
One Button was in Use
A school principal was trying to make clear to his class the
fundamental doctrines of the Declaration of Independence.
“Now, boys,” he said, “I will give you each three ordinary buttons.
Here they are. You must think of the first one as representing Life, of
the second one as representing Liberty, and the third one as
representing the Pursuit of Happiness. Next Sunday I will ask you each
to produce the three buttons and tell me what they represent.”
The following Sunday the teacher said to the youngest member:
“Now, Johnnie, produce your three buttons and tell me what they stand
for.”
“I ain’t got ’em all,” he sobbed, holding out two of the buttons.
“Here’s Life an’ here’s Liberty, but mommer sewed the Pursuit of
Happiness on my pants.”
He Remembered
A restaurant-keeper hung out this sign:
_“Coffee:
Such as Mother Used to Make.”_
A customer asked, pointing to the sign:
“Is your coffee really such as mother used to make?”
“It is,” replied the proprietor.
“Then,” said the man with a reminiscent look, “give me a cup of tea.”
Wasn’t Delicate at All
A young man, not regarded as a very desirable suitor, had called upon a
young lady a number of times, each time to be told by the maid that
“Miss Florence was not well today.”
One day, in response to his card, the young lady’s mother, who was a
recent accession to the newly-rich ranks, and whose education was not
as sure as it might be, appeared and explained once more to the young
man that the daughter was not well.
“I am very sorry, indeed,” said the young man as he rose to go, “that
your daughter is so delicate.”
“Delicate?” sniffed the mother; “Florence dell’cate? Not at all.
Why, she is the most indelicate girl you ever met.”
A Live Topic
A member of the faculty of the University of Chicago, according to
“Harper’s Weekly,” tells of the sad case of a young woman from Indiana
who was desirous of attaining social prominence in Chicago.
Soon after her arrival there she made the acquaintance of a student at
the university to whom she took a great fancy.
Evidently it was at this time she realized for the first time that her
early education had been neglected, for she said to a friend:
“I suppose that, as he is a college man, I’ll have to be awful careful
what I say. Whatever will I talk about to him?”
The friend suggested history as a safe topic. To her friend’s
astonishment she took the advice seriously, and shortly commenced in
earnest to “bone up” in English history.
When the young man called, the girl listened for some time with
ill-concealed impatience to his talk of football, outdoor meets,
dances, etc., but finally she decided to take the matter in her own
hands. She had not done all that reading for nothing; so, a pause in
the conversation affording the desired opportunity, she suddenly
exclaimed, with considerable vivacity:
“Wasn’t it awful about Mary, Queen of Scots?”
“Why, what’s the matter?” stammered the student, confused.
“My gracious!” almost yelled the girl from Indiana, “didn’t you know?
Why, the poor thing had her head cut off!”
The After-College Girl’s Complaint
A lady was calling on some friends one summer afternoon. The talk
buzzed along briskly, fans waved and the daughter of the house kept
twitching uncomfortably, frowning and making little smothered
exclamations of annoyance. Finally, with a sigh, she rose and left the
room.
“Your daughter,” said the visitor, “seems to be suffering from the
heat.”
“No,” said the hostess. “She is just back home from college and she is
suffering from the family grammar.”
It All Seemed So Unnecessary
A city man once had occasion, says “Lippincott’s Magazine,” to stop at
a country home where a tin basin and a roller-towel on the back porch
sufficed for the family’s ablutions. For two mornings the “hired man”
of the household watched in silence the visitor’s efforts at making a
toilette under the unfavorable auspices, but when on the third day the
tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc., had been duly used and
returned to their places in the traveler’s grip, he could suppress his
curiosity no longer, so boldly put the question: “Say, Mister, air you
always that much trouble to yo’se’f?”
Overdid it a Bit
A famous statesman prided himself on his success in campaigning, when
called upon to reach a man’s vote through his family pride.
On one of his tours he passed through a country town when he came
suddenly upon a charming group—a comely woman with a bevy of little
ones about her—in a garden. He stopped short, then advanced and leaned
over the front gate.
“Madam,” he said in his most ingratiating way, “may I kiss these
beautiful children?”
“Certainly, sir,” the lady answered demurely.
“They are lovely darlings,” said the campaigner after he had finished
the eleventh. “I have seldom seen more beautiful babies. Are they all
yours, marm?”
The lady blushed deeply.
“Of course they are—the sweet little treasures,” he went on. “From whom
else, marm, could they have inherited these limpid eyes, these rosy
cheeks, these profuse curls, these comely figures and these musical
voices?”
The lady continued blushing.
“By-the-way, marm,” said the statesman, “may I bother you to tell your
estimable husband that ———, the Republican candidate for Governor,
called upon him this evening?”
“I beg your pardon,” said the lady, “I have no husband.”
“But these children, madam—you surely are not a widow?”
“I fear you were mistaken, sir, when you first came up. These are not
my children. This is an orphan asylum!”
One on the Doctor That Time
A prominent physician, whose specialty was physical diagnosis, required
his patients, before entering his private consultation-room, to divest
themselves of all superfluous clothing in order to save time. One day a
man presented himself without having complied with this requirement.
“Why do you come in here without complying with my rules?” demanded the
doctor. “Just step into that side room and remove your clothing and
then I’ll see you. Next patient, please!”
The man did as requested, and after a time presented himself in regular
order duly divested of his clothing.
“Now,” said the doctor, “what can I do for you?”
“I just called,” replied the man, “to collect that tailoring bill which
you owe us.”
Anxious About Him
One winter’s day a very bowlegged tramp called at a home in Ontario and
stood to warm himself by the kitchen stove. A little boy in the home
surveyed him carefully for some minutes, then finally approaching him,
he said: “Say, mister, you better stand back; you’re warping!”
The Only Way He Could Help
Chief Justice Matthews, while presiding over the Supreme Court at
Washington, took the several Justices of the Court for a run down
Chesapeake Bay. A stiff wind sprang up, and Justice Gray was getting
decidedly the worst of it. As he leaned over the rail in great
distress, Chief Justice Matthews touched him on the shoulder and said
in a tone of deepest sympathy: “Is there anything I can do for you,
Gray?”
“No, thank you,” returned the sick Justice, “unless your Honor can
overrule this motion.”
He Was Willing to Oblige
A young North Carolina girl is charming, but, like a great many other
charming people, she is poor. She never has more than two evening gowns
in a season, and the ruin of one of them is always a very serious
matter to her. She went to a little dancing-party last week and she
wore a brand-new white frock. During the evening a great big,
red-faced, perspiring man came up and asked her to dance. He wore no
gloves. She looked at his well-meaning but moist hands despairingly,
and thought of the immaculate back of her waist. She hesitated a bit,
and then she said, with a winning smile;
“Of course I’ll dance with you, but, if you don’t mind, won’t you
please use your handkerchief?”
The man looked at her blankly a moment or two. Then a light broke over
his face.
“Why, certainly,” he said.
And he pulled out his handkerchief and blew his nose.
Not All the Time, But——
A man saw a waiter in a restaurant spill a tureen of tomato soup over a
young lady’s white gown.
The young lady, instead of flying into a passion, smiled. She said it
didn’t matter. She continued to eat and to talk as though nothing had
happened.
This so impressed the man that he got an introduction to the young
lady, proposed to her at the end of a month or so, and was accepted.
Some time after the marriage he spoke of the tomato-soup accident.
“I shall never forget it,” said the bride.
“Your conduct,” said the man, “was admirable.”
“I remember,” she said, “that I did behave very well at the time; but I
wish you could have seen the marks of my teeth on the bedpost that
night.”
Necessity and Invention
A mother with her seven children started away on a journey. After
entering the car the largest child was laid out flat on the seat, and
the remaining six then sat upon him in a row.
When the conductor came around to collect the fares the mother counted
her money, handed it over, smiled, and suavely said: “Sir, the oldest
is under six.”
Taking No Chances
An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of Boston not long ago,
and was taken to a hospital. Upon removing his coat there was found
pinned to his waistcoat a slip of paper on which was written:
“This is to inform the house-surgeon that this is just a case of plain
fit: not appendicitis. My appendix has already been removed twice.”
Too Much Curiosity
A dangerous operation was being performed upon a woman. Old Doctor
A———, a quaint German, full of kindly wit and professional enthusiasm,
had several younger doctors with him. One of them was administering the
ether. He became so interested in the old doctor’s work that he
withdrew the cone from the patient’s nostrils and she half-roused and
rose to a sitting posture, looking with wild-eyed amazement over the
surroundings. It was a critical period, and Doctor A——— did not want to
be interrupted. “Lay down, dere, voman,” he commanded gruffly. “You haf
more curiosity as a medical student.”
They Were Both Charged
A little girl, brushing her hair, found that it “crackled,” and asked
her mother why it did.
“Why, dear, you have electricity in your hair,” explained the mother.
“Isn’t that funny?” commented the little one. “I have electricity in my
hair, and Grandmother has gas in her stomach.”
Could Use the Other Kind, Too
“Here,” said the salesman, “is something we call the ‘lovers’ clock.’
You can set it so it will take it two hours to run one hour.”
“I’ll take that,” said Miss Jarmer with a bright blush. “And now, if
you have one that can be set so as to run two hours in one hour’s time
or less, I think I’d like one of that kind, too.”
A Regard for Appearance
A milliner endeavored to sell to a colored woman one of the last
season’s hats at a very moderate price. It was a big white picture-hat.
“Law, no, honey!” exclaimed the woman. “I could nevah wear that. I’d
look jes’ like a blueberry in a pan of milk.”
Rapid-Fire
A frivolous young English girl, with no love for the Stars and Stripes,
once exclaimed at a celebration where the American flag was very much
in evidence:
“Oh, what a silly-looking thing the American flag is! It suggests
nothing but checker-berry candy.”
“Yes,” replied a bystander, “the kind of candy that has made everybody
sick who ever tried to lick it.”
Kipling at a Luncheon
At a tea the other day, says “The New York Sun,” a woman heard the
following remarks made about her favorite author. She turned to listen,
amazed by the eccentricities of conduct narrated.
“Yes, you know,” the hostess was saying, “Kipling came in and behaved
so strangely! At luncheon he suddenly sprang up and wouldn’t let the
waitress come near the table. Every time that she tried to come near he
would jump at her.
“He made a dive for the cake, which was on the lower shelf of the
sideboard, and took it into the parlor to eat it. He got the crumbs all
over the sofa and the beautiful rug.
“When he had finished his cake he simply sat and glared at us.”
The visitor finally could not control herself, and asked:
“Excuse me, but are you speaking of Mr. Rudyard Kipling?”
“Mr. Rudyard Kipling?” echoed the hostess. “Oh, no; Kipling is our
dog!”
Getting His Trousseau Ready
The kindly ’Squire of the neighborhood was just leaving from a friendly
social visit to Mrs. Maguire.
“And your son, Mrs. Maguire?” said the ’Squire as he reached for his
hat. “I hope he is well. Busy, I suppose, getting ready for his wedding
tonight?”
“Well, not very busy this minit, ’Squire,” answered the beaming mother.
“He’s upstairs in bed while I’m washing out his trousseau.”
There Was a Chance
“Going to send your boy on an ocean trip, are you?” said a friend to a
father.
“Yes,” replied the father. “You see, if there is anything in him I
think a long sea voyage will bring it out.”
Deserved to be Tried
The Judge was at dinner in the new household when the young wife asked:
“Did you ever try any of my biscuits, Judge?”
“No,” said the Judge, “I never did, but I dare say they deserve it.”
End of the Honeymoon
An old married man happened to meet a beaming bridegroom on the
latter’s first day at business after the wedding trip.
“Hello!” said he; “finished your honeymoon yet?”
“I don’t know,” replied the happy husband, smiling. “I have never been
able to determine the exact meaning of the word honeymoon.”
“Well, then, has your wife commenced to do the cooking yet?”
If You Have a Mole
No one is said to be without a mole or two, and these are some of the
prognostications that mole-wearers may draw from their brown ornaments;
A mole on the right side of a man’s forehead denotes wonderful luck; on
the right side of a woman’s forehead, gifts from the dead.
On the left side of a man’s forehead a mole denotes a long term in
prison, on the left side of a woman’s forehead, two husbands and a life
of exile.
A man with a mole in the middle of his forehead has a cruel mind; a
woman with such a mole is foolish and envious.
A mole on the neck in man or woman promises a long and happy life,
wealth and fame.
A man with a mole on the left side of the upper lip rarely marries, and
such a mole in the case of a woman denotes suffering.
On the right side of the upper-lip a mole promises great good fortune
to both sexes.
Her Own Eyes Good Enough for Him
A little Scotch boy’s grandmother was packing his luncheon for him to
take to school one morning. Suddenly looking up in the old lady’s face,
he said:
“Grandmother, does yer specs magnify?”
“A little, my child,” she answered.
“Aweel, then,” said the boy, “I wad juist like it if ye wad tak’ them
aff when ye’re packin’ my loonch.”
How Did He Know?
After dinner, when the ladies had gone upstairs, the men, over their
coffee and cigars, talked, as men will, of love.
All of a sudden the host cried in a loud voice:
“I will tell you, gentlemen, this is the truth: I have kissed the
dainty Japanese girl. I have kissed the South Sea Island maiden. I have
kissed the slim Indian beauty. And the girls of England, of Germany,
even of America, I have kissed, but it is most true that to kiss my
wife is best of all.”
Then a young man cried across the table:
“By Heaven, sir, you are right there!”
So Mother—So Son
Vincent was altogether too garrulous in school to please his teachers.
Such punishments as the institution allowed to be meted out were tried
without any apparent effect upon the boy until at last the head Master
decided to mention the lad’s fault upon his monthly report.
So the next report to his father had these words: “Vincent talks a
great deal.”
Back came the report by mail duly signed, but with this written in red
ink under the comment: “You ought to hear his mother.”
An Endless Wash
In one of the lesser Indian hill wars an English detachment took an
Afghan prisoner. The Afghan was very dirty. Accordingly two privates
were deputed to strip and wash him.
The privates dragged the man to a stream of running water, undressed
him, plunged him in, and set upon him lustily with stiff brushes and
large cakes of white soap.
After a long time one of the privates came back to make a report. He
saluted his officer and said disconsolately:
“It’s no use, sir. It’s no use.”
“No use?” said the officer. “What do you mean? Haven’t you washed that
Afghan yet?”
“It’s no use, sir,” the private repeated. “We’ve washed him for two
hours, but it’s no use.”
“How do you mean it’s no use?” said the officer angrily.
“Why, sir,” said the private, “after rubbin’ him and scrubbin’ him till
our arms ached I’ll be hanged if we didn’t come to another suit of
clothes.”
Once Dead Always Dead
The hero of the play, after putting up a stiff fight with the villain,
had died to slow music, says a storyteller in “The Chicago Tribune.”
The audience insisted on his coming before the curtain.
He refused to appear.
But the audience still insisted.
Then the manager, a gentleman with a strong accent, came to the front.
“Ladies an’ gintlemen,” he said, “the carpse thanks ye kindly, but he
says he’s dead, an’ he’s goin’ to stay dead.”
Had to Get it Done Somehow
A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in his
hand.
“Hello, Mr. Smith,” he said. “I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32
cents.”
“Very good,” said the grocer, and he noted down the sale, and put his
clerk to packing the coffee. “Anything else, Charlie?”
“Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents.”
“The loaf, eh? And what else?”
“Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents.”
“That will be a good brand. Go on.”
“Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molasses
at 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21¼ cents, and five dozen
jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar.”
The grocer made out the bill,
“It’s a big order,” he said. “Did your mother tell you to pay for it?”
“My mother,” said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill,
“has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lesson and I
had to get it done somehow.”
A Personal Demonstration
Chatting in leisurely fashion with Prince Bismarck in Berlin Lord
Russell asked the Chancellor how he managed to rid himself of
importunate visitors whom he could not refuse to see, but who stuck
like burrs when once admitted.
“Oh,” replied Bismarck, “I have my easy escape. My wife knows people of
this class very well, and when she is sure there is a bore here and
sees them staying too long she manages to call me away on some
plausible pretext.”
Scarcely had he finished speaking when the Princess Bismarck appeared
at the door. “My dear,” she said to her husband, “you must come at once
and take your medicine; you should have taken it an hour ago.”
Not for Him
A quiet and retiring citizen occupied a seat near the door of a crowded
car when a masterful stout woman entered.
Having no newspaper behind which to hide he was fixed and subjugated by
her glittering eye. He rose and offered his place to her. Seating
herself—without thanking him—she exclaimed in tones that reached to the
farthest end of the car:
“What do you want to stand up there for? Come here and sit on my lap.”
“Madam,” gasped the man, as his face became scarlet. “I beg your
pardon, I—I——”
“What do you mean?” shrieked the woman. “You know very well I was
speaking to my niece there behind you.”
Such a Pleasant Room
“It ain’t ev’rybody I’d put to sleep in this room,” said old Mrs. Jinks
to the fastidious and extremely nervous young minister who was spending
a night at her house.
“This here room is full of sacred associations to me,” she went on, as
she bustled around opening shutters and arranging the curtains. “My
first husband died in that bed with his head on these very pillers, and
poor Mr. Jinks died settin’ right in that corner. Sometimes when I come
into the room in the dark I think I see him settin’ there still.
“My own father died layin’ right on that lounge under the winder. Poor
Pa! He was a Speeritualist, and he allus said he’d appear in this room
after he died, and sometimes I’m foolish enough to look for him. If you
should see anything of him tonight you’d better not tell me; for it’d
be a sign to me that there was something in Speeritualism, and I’d hate
to think that.
“My son by my first man fell dead of heart-disease right where you
stand. He was a doctor, and there’s two whole skeletons in that closet
that belonged to him, and half a dozen skulls in that lower drawer.
“There, I guess things’ll do now——
“Well, good-night, and pleasant dreams.”
Giving a Woman Her Rights
The car was full and the night was wet. The bell rang, the car stopped,
and a lady entered. As she looked tired a nice old gentleman in the
corner rose and inquired in a kind voice, “Would you like to sit down,
ma’am? Excuse me, though,” he added; “I think you are Mrs. Sprouter,
the advocate of woman’s rights.”
“I am, sir,” replied the lady calmly.
“You think that women should be equal to men?” further queried the old
gentleman.
“Certainly,” was the firm reply.
“You think that they should have the same rights and privileges?” was
the next question.
“Most emphatically,” came from the supporter of woman’s rights.
“Very well,” said the kind old gentleman, sitting down again, “just
stand up and enjoy them.”
A Riddle to Willie
I asked my Pa a simple thing;
“Where holes in doughnuts go?”
Pa read his paper, then he said:
“Oh, you’re too young to know.”
I asked my Ma about the wind:
“Why can’t you see it blow?”
Ma thought a moment, then she said:
“Oh, you’re too young to know.”
Now, why on earth do you suppose
They went and licked me so?
Ma asked: “Where is that jam?” I said:
“Oh, you’re too young to know.”
Under Her Bed
Mrs. Hicks was telling some ladies about the burglar scare in her house
the night before.
“Yes,” she said, “I heard a noise and got up, and there from under the
bed I saw a man’s legs sticking out.”
“Mercy,” exclaimed a woman—“the burglar’s legs?”
“No, my dear, my husband’s legs. He had heard the noise, too.”
Didn’t Think He Was Polite
They were on their honeymoon. He had bought a catboat and had taken her
out to show her how well he could handle a boat, putting her to tend
the sheet. A puff of wind came, and he shouted in no uncertain tones:
“Let go the sheet.”
No response.
Then again:
“Let go that sheet, quick.”
Still no movement. A few minutes after, when both were clinging to the
bottom of the overturned boat, he said:
“Why didn’t you let go that sheet when I told you to, dear?”
“I would have,” said the bride, “if you had not been so rough about it.
You ought to speak more kindly to your wife.”
He Had a Large Reach
President Eliot, of Harvard, on a visit to the Pacific Coast, met
Professor O. B. Johnson, of the University of Washington, says “The
New York Tribune.” In the course of the conversation President Eliot
asked the Westerner what chair he held.
“Well,” said Professor Johnson, “I am professor of biology, but I also
give instruction in meteorology, botany, physiology, chemistry,
entomology and a few others.”
“I should say that you occupied a whole settee, not a chair,” replied
Harvard’s chief.
When Fighting Really Began