[Illustration]
Good Stories
REPRINTED FROM
THE LADIES’ HOME JOURNAL
OF PHILADELPHIA
1907
Warding Off a Catastrophe
A fat woman entered a crowded street car and, seizing a strap, stood
directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she
lunged against his newspaper and at the same time trod heavily on his
toes.
As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered her his seat.
“You are very kind, sir,” she said, panting for breath.
“Not at all, madam,” he replied; “it’s not kindness; it’s simply
self-defense.”
Not What She Expected
A charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a
physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it
was time the children should know they were to have a new father.
Calling one of them to her she said: “Georgie, I am going to do
something before long that I would like to talk about with you.”
“What is it, Ma?” aiked the boy.
“I am intending to marry Doctor Jones in a few days, and—”
“Bully for you. Ma, Does Doctor Jones know it?”
Of Course
The morning class had been duly instructed and enlightened upon the
subject of our national independence. Feeling sure she had made a real
and lasting impression with her explanations and blackboard
illustrations the young teacher began with the usual round of
questions:
“Now, Sammy Smith, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”
Sammy, with a shout of glee: “At de bottom, ma’am—that’s what you
said!”
He Had Certainly Met Him
A traveler going to New Zealand was asked by a friend if he would
inquire, while there, as to the whereabouts of the friend’s
grandfather, Jeremiah Thompson.
“Certainly,” said the traveler, and wherever he went he asked for news
of the ancestor, but without avail.
One day he was introduced to a fine old Maori of advanced age. “Did you
ever meet with an Englishman named Jeremiah Thompson?” he asked.
A smile passed over the Maori’s face. “Meet him?” he repeated. “Why, I
ate him!”
No Place Like Home
A Bostonian died, and when he arrived at St. Peter’s gate he was asked
the usual questions:
“What is your name, and where are you from?”
The answer was, “Mr. So-and-So, from Boston.”
“You may come in,” said St. Peter, “but I know you won’t like it.”
She Felt Bad When Well
An old lady, really quite well, was always complaining and “enjoying
poor health,” as she expressed it. Her various ailments were to her the
most interesting topic in the world. One day a neighbor found her
eating a hearty meal, and asked her how she was.
“Poor me,” she sighed, “I feel very well, but I always feel bad when I
feel well, because I know I am going to feel worse afterward.”
Drove Him Mad
They took him to the sanatorium moaning feebly: “Thirty-nine,
thirty-nine.”
“What does he mean by that?” the attendant inquired.
“It’s the number of buttons on the back of his wife’s new frock,” the
family doctor explained.
Tweedledum or Tweedledee
Joseph Chamberlain was the guest of honor at a dinner in an important
city. The Mayor presided, and when coffee was being served the Mayor
leaned over and touched Mr. Chamberlain, saying, “Shall we let the
people enjoy themselves a little longer, or had we better have your
speech now?”
It Was Mary’s Own Idea
“Did you mail my letter, Mary?” asked her mistress. “It was an
important one, you know.”
“Yis, mum, indeed I did.”
“But why have you brought back the two cents I gave you for the stamp?”
“Sure, I didn’t have to use it, mum,” replied Mary. “I slipped th’
letther into th’ box whin nobody was lukin’.”
He Couldn’t Very Well
A husband was being arraigned in court in a suit brought by his wife
for cruelty.
“I understand, sir,” said the Judge, addressing the husband, “that one
of the indignities you have showered upon your wife is that you have
not spoken to her for three years. Is that so?”
“It is, your Honor,” quickly answered the husband.
“Well, sir,” thundered the judge, “why didn’t you speak to her, may I
ask?”
“Simply,” replied the husband, “because I didn’t want to interrupt
her.”
A Coat That Wouldn’t Come Off
The inspector asked the boys of the school he was examining: “Can you
take your warm overcoats off?” “Yes, sir,” was the response. “Can the
bear take his warm overcoat off?” “No, sir.” “Why not?” There was
silence for a while, and then a little boy spoke up: “Please, sir,
because God alone knows where the buttons are.”
The Young Housewife’s Latest
In the cook’s absence the young mistress of the house undertook, with
the help of a green waitress, to get the Sunday luncheon. The flurried
maid, who had been struggling in the kitchen with a coffee machine that
refused to work, confessed that she had forgotten to wash the lettuce.
“Well, never mind, Eliza. Go on with the coffee, and I’ll do it,” said
the considerate mistress. “Where do you keep the soap?”
He Did His Best
A hungry Irishman went into a restaurant on Friday and said to the
waiter:
“Have yez any whale?”
“No.”
“Have yez any shark?”
“No.”
“Have yez any swordfish?”
“No.”
“Have yez any jellyfish?”
“No.”
“All right,” said the Irishman. “Then bring me ham and eggs and a
beefsteak smothered wid onions. The Lord knows I asked for fish.”
The Power Behind
At a prayer-meeting a good old brother stood up and said he was glad to
give the following testimony:
“My wife and I,” he said, “started in life with hardly a cent in the
world. We began at the lowest round of the ladder, but the Lord has
been good to us and we have worked up—we have prospered. We bought a
little farm and raised good crops. We have a good home and a nice
family of children, and,” he added with much emphasis, “I am the head
of that family.”
After he sat down his wife promptly arose to corroborate all that he
had said. She said that they had started in life with hardly a cent,
the Lord had been good to them and they had prospered; they did have a
farm and good crops, and it was true they did have a fine family of
children. But she added with satisfaction, “I am the neck that moves
the head.”
Easy Enough
Some visitors who were being shown over a pauper lunatic asylum, says
“Harper’s Weekly,” inquired of their guide what method was employed to
discover when the inmates were sufficiently recovered to leave.
“Well,” replied he, “you see, it’s this way. We have a big trough of
water, and we turns on the tap. We leave it running, and tells ’em to
bail out the water with pails until they’ve emptied the trough.”
“How does that prove it?” asked one of the visitors.
“Well,” said the guide, “them as ain’t idiots turns off the tap.”
He Had Left the Cards All Right
The high-born dame was breaking in a new footman—stupid but honest.
In her brougham, about to make a round of visits, she found she had
forgotten her bits of pasteboard. So she sent the man back with orders
to bring some of her cards that were on the mantelpiece in her boudoir,
and put them in his pocket.
At different houses, she told the footman to hand in one, and sometimes
a couple, until at last she told Jeames to leave three at one house.
“Can’t do it, mum.”
“How’s that?”
“I’ve only got two left—the ace of spades and the seven of clubs.”
And That Settled It
“If ye please, mum,” said the ancient hero, in an appealing voice, as
he stood at the back door of the cottage on washday, “I’ve lost my
leg——”
“Well, I ain’t got it,” snapped the woman fiercely,
And the door closed with a bang.
What Do You Think the Porter Did?
A lady in the centre seat of the parlor car heard the request of a
fellow-passenger directly opposite asking the porter to open the
window, and, scenting a draft, she immediately drew a cloak about her.
“Porter, if that window is opened,” she snapped testily, “I shall
freeze to death.”
“And if the window is kept closed,” returned the other passenger, “I
shall surely suffocate.”
The poor porter stood absolutely puzzled between the two fires.
“Say, boss,” he finally said to a commercial traveler seated near by,
“what would you do?”
“Do?” echoed the traveler. “Why, man, that is a very simple matter;
open the window and freeze one lady. Then close it and suffocate the
other.”
She Said It
A visitor of noble birth was expected to arrive at a large country
house in the North of England, and the daughter of the house, aged
seven, was receiving final instructions from her mother.
“And now, dear,” she said, “when the Duke speaks to you do not forget
always to say ‘your Grace.’”
Presently the great man arrived, and after greeting his host and
hostess he said to the child, “Well, my dear, and what is your name?”
Judge of his surprise when the little girl solemnly closed her eyes and
with clasped hands exclaimed, “For what we are about to receive may we
be truly fankful, amen.”
His Idea of Genius
A young man once said to Thomas A. Edison, the inventor; “Mr. Edison,
don’t you believe that genius is inspiration?”
“No,” replied Edison; “genius is _per_spiration.”
Took the Wrong House
On one of the Southern railroads there is a station-building that is
commonly known by travelers as the smallest railroad station in
America. It is of this station that the story is told that an old
farmer was expecting a chicken-house to arrive there, and he sent one
of his hands, a newcomer, to fetch it. Arriving there the man saw the
house, loaded it on to his wagon and started for home. On the way he
met a man in uniform with the words “Station Agent” on his cap.
“Say, hold on. What have you got on that wagon?” he asked.
“My chicken-house, of course,” was the reply.
“Chicken-house be jiggered!” exploded the official. “That’s the
station!”
And Tommy Did
“And now,” said the teacher, “I want Tommy to tell the school who was
most concerned when Absalom got hung by the hair?”
TOMMY: “Abs’lom.”
The Prayer of Cyrus Brown
“The proper way for a man to pray,”
Said Deacon Lemuel Keyes,
“And the only proper attitude,
Is down upon his knees.”
“No, I should say the way to pray,”
Said Reverend Doctor Wise,
“Is standing straight, with outstretched arms,
And rapt and upturned eyes.”
“Oh, no; no, no,” said Elder Slow,
“Such posture is too proud:
A man should pray with eyes fast closed
And head contritely bowed.”
“It seems to me his hands should be
Austerely clasped in front,
With both thumbs pointing toward the ground,”
Said Reverend Doctor Blunt.
“Las’ year I fell in Hodgkin’s well
Head first,” said Cyrus Brown,
“With both my heels a-stickin’ up,
My head a-p’inting down,
“An’ I made a prayer right then an’ there—
Best prayer I ever said,
The prayingest prayer I ever prayed,
A-standing on my head.”
—SAM WALTER FOSS.
Couldn’t Tell Which
Jones had come home later than usual and had ready a good explanation,
but his wife gave him no chance, and immediately began to tell him what
she thought of him. He endured it patiently all evening, quietly read
his paper and went to bed. His wife was still talking.
When he was almost asleep he could hear her still scolding him
unmercifully. He dropped off to sleep and awoke after a couple of
hours, only to hear his wife remark:
“I hope all the women don’t have to put up with such conduct as this.”
“Annie,” said Jones, “are you talking again or yet?”
The Greater Calamity
Two or three urchins were running down a long and very steep flight of
steps, when the foremost stumbled and fell headlong twenty to thirty
feet, and was only stopped near the bottom by doubling backward around
the newel-post. It looked as though his back was broken, and that he
was a dead small boy, but he gathered himself up, thrust his hands
anxiously in his trousers’ pockets, and ejaculated;
“B’ gosh, I b’l’eve I lost a cent.”
Her First Railroad Ride
An old lady in Missouri took her first railroad trip last week, says
“The Butter Democrat.” She noticed the bell-cord overhead, and, turning
to a boy, she said: “Sonny, what’s that for?” “That, marm,” he said,
with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “is to ring the bell when you
want something to eat.”
Shortly afterward the old lady reached her umbrella up to the cord and
gave it a vigorous pull. The train was in the middle of a trestle. The
whistle sounded, the brakes were pulled on, the train began to slacken
its speed, windows were thrown up, questions asked, and confusion
reigned among the passengers. The old lady sat calmly through it all.
Presently the conductor came running through the train and asked: “Who
pulled the bell?”
“I did,” replied the old lady meekly.
“Well, what do you want?” asked the conductor impatiently.
“Well,” said the old lady meditatively, “you may bring me a ham
sandwich and a cup of tea, please.”
The Parson and the “Light”
A parson had had a call from a little country parish to a large and
wealthy one in a big city. He asked time for prayer and consideration.
He did not feel sure of his light. A month passed. Some one met his
youngest son. “How is it, Josiah; is your father going to B———?”
“Well,” answered the youngster judicially, “paw is still prayin’ for
light, but most of the things is packed.”
Turn About is Fair Play
Last Christmas a middle-aged tinplate-worker married a widow whose
acquaintance he had made but a few weeks before while working some
little distance away from home.
“Sarrah,” he said nervously, after the guests had departed, “I ’ave a
weddin’ present for ye.”
“What is it, John?” said Sarrah with a smirk.
“I ’ope ye won’t be ’fended, Sarrah,” said John, more agitated than
ever, “but it is—er—er—it is five of ’em.”
“Five of wat?” asked Sarrah.
“Five children!” blurted out John desperately, anticipating a scene.
“I didn’t tell ye I ’ad children—five of ’em.”
Sarrah took the news quite calmly; in fact, she appeared relieved.
“Oh, well, John,” she said, “that do make it easier for me to tell ye.
Five is not so bad as me, watever. Seven I ’ave got!”
“Wat!” howled John.
“Seven,” repeated Sarrah composedly. “That is my weddin’ present to ye,
John.”
His Only Chance
“Is there a man in all this audience,” demanded the female lecturer on
woman’s rights, “that has ever done anything to lighten the burden on
his wife’s shoulders? What do you know of woman’s work? Is there a man
here,” she continued, folding her arms, and looking over the assembly
with superb scorn, “that has ever got up in the morning, leaving his
tired, worn-out wife to enjoy her slumbers, gone quietly downstairs,
made the fire, cooked his own breakfast, sewed the missing buttons on
the children’s clothes, darned the family stockings, scoured the pots
and kettles, cleaned and filled the lamps, and done all this, if
necessary, day after day, uncomplainingly? If there be such a man in
this audience let him rise up! I should really like to see him!”
And, in the rear of the hall, a mild-looking man in spectacles, in
obedience to the summons, timidly arose. He was the husband of the
eloquent speaker. It was the first time he had ever had a chance to
assert himself.
He Saw Them, All Right
Two officers were sent to arrest a Quaker; his wife met them at the
door and said, “Walk in, gentlemen; my husband will see thee.”
After waiting some time they got impatient and called the woman,
saying, “You said we should see your husband presently.”
“No, friend,” she replied; “I said he would see thee—he did see thee,
did not like thy looks, and went out by the back door.”
An Easy Way to Stop It
William Penn was once urging a man he knew to stop drinking to excess,
when the man suddenly asked:
“Can you tell me of an easy way to do it?”
“Yes,” Penn replied readily, “it is just as easy as to open thy hand,
friend.”
“Convince me of that,” the man exclaimed, “and I will promise upon my
honor to do as you tell me.”
“Well, my friend,” Penn answered, “whenever thee finds a glass of
liquor in thy hand, open that hand before the glass touches thy lips,
and thee will never drink to excess again.”
The man was so struck by the simplicity of the great Quaker’s advice
that he followed it and reformed.
What Brought Them?
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much
troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last
she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive
at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys
of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by
six o’clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were
waiting for her to arrive.
Give and Take
An English statesman on one occasion, when engaged in canvassing,
visited a working-man’s house, in the principal room of which a
pictorial representation of the Pope faced an illustration of King
William, of pious and immortal memory, in the act of crossing the
Boyne.
The worthy man stared in amazement, and seeing his surprise the voter’s
wife exclaimed;
“Shure, my husband’s an Orangeman and I’m a Catholic.”
“How do you get on together?” asked the astonished politician.
“Very well, indade, barring the twelfth of July, when my husband goes
out with the Orange procession and comes home feelin’ extry
pathriotic.”
“What then?”
“Well, he always takes the Pope down and jumps on him and then goes
straight to bed. The next morning I get up early, before he is awake,
and take down King William and pawn him and buy a new Pope with the
money. Then I give the old man the ticket to get King William out.”
Too Much of a Good Thing
“I’ve got the very thing you want,” said the stableman to a ruralist in
search of a horse; “a thorough-going road horse. Five years old, sound
as a quail, $175 cash down, and he goes ten miles without stopping.”
The purchaser threw his hands skyward.
“Not for me,” he said, “not for me. I wouldn’t gif you five cents for
him. I live eight miles out in de country, und I’d haf to walk back two
miles.”
Had Missed It
“What are you crying for, my poor little boy?” said a man to a crying
boy.
“Pa fell downstairs.”
“Don’t take on so, my boy. He’ll get better soon.”
“That isn’t it. Sister saw him fall—all the way. I never saw nuffen.”
Denied the Only Shade
It was a broiling hot day in the park, and those walking therein were
well-nigh exhausted, when a very stout old lady came bustling along one
of the paths, closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.
Twice she commanded him to leave her, but still he followed just
behind.
At last the old lady, quite disgusted, turned angrily around and said:
“Look here, my man, if you don’t go away I shall call a policeman.”
The poor fellow looked up at her with a tear in his eye, and then
remarked:
“For goodness’ sake, mum, have mercy and don’t call a policeman, for
ye’re the on’y shady spot in the park.”
Wanted to Make Her Happy
In one of the many hospitals in the South a bright, busy-looking and
duty-loving woman hustled up to one of the wounded soldiers who lay
gazing at the ceiling above his cot. “Can’t I do something for you, my
poor fellow?” said the woman imploringly. The “poor fellow” looked up
languidly. The only things he really wanted just at that time were his
discharge and a box of cigars. When he saw the strained and anxious
look on the good woman’s face, however, he felt sorry for her, and with
perfect sang froid he replied: “Why, yes; you can wash my face if you
want to.”
“I’d be only too glad to,” gasped the visitor eagerly.
“All right,” said the cavalier gallantly, “go ahead. It’s been washed
twenty-one times already to-day, but I don’t mind going through it
again if it’ll make you any happier.”
Easy Enough
A noted mathematician, considered by many a wonder, stopped at a hotel
in a small town in Missouri. As usual, in such places, there were a
number of drummers on hand; there was also a meeting of some medical
men at the place, who used the hotel as headquarters. One of the
doctors thought it would be quite a joke to tell the mathematician that
some of the M.D.’s had concluded to kidnap him and take out his brains
to learn how it was he was so good in mathematics. He was then asked by
them what he was going to do about it. He replied: “Why, I shall simply
go on without brains just as you doctors are doing.”
Not a Complaint at All
The good priest had come to his parishioner after the funeral of the
latter’s mother-in-law to express condolences.
“And what complaint was it, Pat,” he asked sympathetically, “that
carried the old lady off?”
“Kumplaint, did yi ask, father?” answered Pat. “Thir wuz no kumplaint
from anybody. Everybody wuz satisfied.”
He Caught It, But——
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary homegoers when through the crowd
rushed a man—hot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every
shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a
ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an
instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd,
he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and
landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the
exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a
resounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his
breath he apologized to the fat man. “I hope I didn’t hurt you,” he
said. “I am sorry. But, anyway, I caught the boat!”
“But, you idiot,” said the fat man, “the boat was coming in!”
He Didn’t Mind
A certain railway in Michigan has a station entitled Sawyer’s Mills,
but usually entitled, for short, Sawyer’s.
A rural couple on one of the trains attracted much attention by their
evident fondness for each other until the brakeman thrust his head in
the doorway of the car and called out, “Sawyer! Sawyer!”
“Reuben” suddenly assumed the perpendicular and indignantly exclaimed,
“Well, I don’t care if you did; we’ve been engaged three weeks.”
He Announced His Intentions
Young man and his lady-love attended a protracted meeting which was
being held in the village church. Arriving late they found the church
filled, but a gentleman arose and gave the lady his seat, while the
young man was ushered far away to a seat in another part of the
building.
The service grew warm and impressive.
“Will those who want our prayers please stand up?” said the preacher.
At this juncture the young man thought it was getting late and he would
get his sweetheart and go home, but not just knowing where she sat he
rose to his feet and looked over the audience.
The minister, mistaking his intentions, asked: “Young man, are you
seeking salvation?”
To which the young man responded: “At present I am seeking Sal
Jackson!”
As a Last Resort
“Well, doctor,” said the patient who was an incessant talker, “why in
the world don’t you look at my tongue, if you want to, instead of
writing away like a newspaper editor? How long do you expect I am going
to sit here with my mouth wide open?”
“Just one moment more, please, madam,” replied the doctor; “I only
wanted you to keep still long enough so that I could write this
prescription.”
He Got the Information
At a country fair a machine which bore a sign reading, “How to Make
Your Trousers Last,” occupied a prominent position in the grounds and
attracted much attention, says “Harper’s Weekly.” A countryman who
stood gaping before it was told by the exhibitor, a person with a long
black mustache, a minstrel-stripe shirt, and a ninety-four-carat
diamond in a red cravat, that for one cent deposited in the slot the
machine would dispense its valuable sartorial advice. The countryman
dug the required coin from the depths of a deep pocket and dropped it
in the slot. Instantly the machine delivered a card on which was neatly
printed:
“Make your coat and waistcoat first.”
After Many Trials
He was a sad-faced American tourist, and as he seated himself in a
London restaurant he was immediately attended by an obsequious waiter.
“I want two eggs,” said the American—“one fried on one side and one on
the other.”
“’Ow is that, sir?” asked the astounded waiter.
“Two eggs—one fried on one side and one on the other.”
“Very well, sir.”
The waiter was gone several minutes, and when he returned his face was
a study.
“Would you please repeat your horder, sir?”
“I said, very distinctly, two eggs—one fried on one side and one on the
other.”
Oppressive silence, and then a dazed “Very well, sir.”
This time he was gone longer, and when he returned he said anxiously:
“Would it be awsking too much, sir, to ’ave you repeat your horder,
sir? I cawn’t think I ’ave it right, sir, y’know.”
“Two eggs,” said the American sadly and patiently—“one fried on one
side and one on the other.”
More oppressive silence and another and fainter “Very well, sir.”
This time he was gone still longer. When he returned his collar was
unbuttoned, his hair disheveled and his face scratched and bleeding.
Leaning over the waiting patron he whispered beseechingly:
“Would you mind tyking boiled heggs, sir? I’ve ’ad some words with the
cook.”
It Was His Only Tie
One morning, as Mark Twain returned from a neighborhood morning call,
sans necktie, his wife met him at the door with the exclamation;
“There, Sam, you have been over to the Stowes’s again without a
necktie! It’s really disgraceful the way you neglect your dress!”
Her husband said nothing, but went up to his room.
A few minutes later his neighbor—Mrs. S.—was summoned to the door by a
messenger, who presented her with a small box neatly done up. She
opened it and found a black silk necktie, accompanied by the following
note:
“Here is a necktie. Take it out and look at it. I think I stayed half
an hour this morning. At the end of that time will you kindly return
it, as it is the only one I have?—MARK TWAIN.”
Playing Doctor
BILLY: “Gentlemen, before we begin to operate, if you will hold the
patient’s hands and feet I’ll get that four cents out of his right-hand
pocket.”
The Feminine Point of View
The Willoughbys had said good-by to Mrs. Kent. Then Mr. Willoughby
spoke thoughtfully:
“It was pleasant of her to say that about wishing she could see more of
people like us, who are interested in real things, instead of the
foolish round of gayety that takes up so much of her time and gives her
so little satisfaction, wasn’t it?”
His wife stole a sidewise glance at his gratified face, and a satirical
smile crossed her own countenance.
“Very pleasant, George,” she said clearly. “But what I knew she meant,
and what she knew that I knew she meant, was that my walking-skirt is
an inch too long and my sleeves are old style, and your coat, poor
dear, is beginning to look shiny in the back.”
“Why—what—how——” began Mr. Willoughby helplessly; then he shook his
head and gave it up.
He Had Faith in the Doctor
A young English laborer went to the register’s office to record his
father’s death. The register asked the date of death.
“Well, father ain’t dead yet,” was the reply; “but he _will_ be dead
before morning, and I thought it would save me another trip if you
would put it down now.”
“Oh, that won’t do at all,” said the register. “Why, your father may be
well before morning.”
“Ah, no, he won’t,” said the young laborer. “Our doctor says he won’t,
and he knows what he’s given father.”
What He Used the Milk For
A clergyman had been for some time displeased with the quality of milk
served him. At length he determined to remonstrate with his milkman for
supplying such weak stuff. He began mildly:
“I’ve been wanting to see you in regard to the quality of milk with
which you are serving me.”
“Yes, sir,” uneasily answered the tradesman.
“I only wanted to say,” continued the minister, “that I use the milk
for drinking purposes exclusively, and not for christening.”
Nothing if Not Polite
An interested visitor who was making the final call in the tenement
district, rising, said:
“Well, my good woman, I must go now. Is there anything I can do for
you?”
“No, thank ye, mem,” replied the submerged one. “Ye mustn’t mind it if
I don’t return the call, will ye? I haven’t any time to go slummin’
meself.”
Her Little Game
As a married couple were walking down one of the main thoroughfares of
a city the husband noted the attention which other women obtained from
passers-by, and remarked to his better half:
“Folks never look at you. I wish I had married some one better
looking.”
The woman tartly replied: “It’s your fault. Do you think a man will
stare at me when you’re walking with me? You step behind and see
whether men don’t look at me.”
The husband hung back about a dozen yards, and for the length of the
street was surprised to see every man his wife passed stare hard at her
and even turn around and look after her.
“Sure, lassie!” he exclaimed as he rejoined her, “I was wrong and take
it back. I’ll never say aught about your looks again.”
The wife had made a face at every man she met.
A Case of Adaptation
Two dusky small boys were quarreling; one was pouring forth a volume of
vituperous epithets, while the other leaned against a fence and calmly
contemplated him. When the flow of language was exhausted he said;
“Are you troo?”
“Yes.”
“You ain’t got nuffin’ more to say?”
“No.”
“Well, all dem tings what you called me you is.”
What Would Happen
A woman agitator, holding forth on the platform and presenting the
greatness of her sex, cried out: “Take away woman and what would
follow?”
And from the audience came a clear, male voice: “We would.”
Couldn’t Fool Him That Far
Years ago, when telephones were still a novelty, a farmer came to town
one day and called on a lawyer friend of his whom he supplied with
butter, and who had had a telephone recently put in his office.
“Need any butter this morning?” asked the farmer.
“Well, I don’t know,” answered the lawyer. “Wait a minute. I’ll ask my
wife about it.”
After speaking through the ’phone he went on; “No; my wife says no.”
The farmer’s face was a study for a moment. Then he broke out with:
“Look-a-here, Mr. Lawyer, I may be a ‘Rube’ and have my whiskers full
of hay and hayseed, but I’m not such a big fool as to believe that your
wife is in that box!”
And They Wondered!
At a banquet held in a room, the walls of which were adorned with many
beautiful paintings, a well-known college president was called upon to
respond to a toast. In the course of his remarks, wishing to pay a
compliment to the ladies present, and designating the paintings with
one of his characteristic gestures, he said: “What need is there of
these painted beauties when we have so many with us at this table?”
She Had Him That Time
It was the same old story of a man who refused to tell his wife the
outcome of a business transaction in which, naturally, she took a deep
interest.
“No,” he sneered, “I won’t tell you. If I did you’d repeat it. You
women can never keep a secret.”
“John,” said the woman quietly, “have I ever told the secret about the
solitaire engagement ring you gave me eighteen years ago being paste?”
Necessity: Not Choice
A woman hurried up to a policeman at the corner of Twenty-third Street
in New York City.
“Does this crosstown car take you down to the Bridge toward Brooklyn?”
she demanded.
“Why, madam,” returned the policeman, “do you want to go to Brooklyn?”
“No, I don’t want to” the woman replied, “but I have to.”
Mr. Beecher’s Prescription
A country clergyman once called on Mr. Beecher and asked his advice
about what to do with persons who go to sleep in church.
“Well,” said Mr. Beecher, “I’ll tell you what I do. When I first came
to Plymouth Church I gave the sexton strict orders that if he saw any
person asleep in my congregation he should go straight to the pulpit
and wake up the minister.”
A Recipe for a Bridal Couple
It was on a train going through Indiana. Among the passengers was a
newly-married couple, who made themselves known to such an extent that
the occupants of the car commenced passing sarcastic remarks about
them. The bride and groom stood the remarks for some time, but finally
the latter, who was a man of tremendous size, broke out in the
following language at his tormentors: “Yes, we’re married—just married.
We are going one hundred and sixty miles farther, and I am going to
‘spoon’ all the way. If you don’t like it you can get out and walk.
She’s my violet and I’m her sheltering oak.”
During the remainder of the journey they were left in peace.
Both of the Same Kind
A lady stepped from the Limited Express at a side station, on a special
stop order. To the only man in sight she asked:
“When is the train for Madison due here, please?”
“The train went an hour ago, ma’am: the next one is to-morrow at eight
o’clock.”
The lady in perplexity then asked:
“Where is the nearest hotel?”
“There is no hotel here at all,” replied the man.
“But what shall I do?” asked the lady. “Where shall I spend the night?”
“I guess you’ll have to stay all night with the station agent,” was the
reply.
“Sir!” flashed up the lady, “I’d have you know I’m a lady.”
“Well,” said the man as he strode off, “so is the station agent.”
“Follow the Leader”
A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school class of girls of
eighteen or nineteen years each, which had formerly been taught by a
lady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properly
introduced to the class. The superintendent accordingly took him to the
class for this purpose and said:
“Young ladies, I introduce to you Mr. Chase, who will in future be your
teacher. I would like you to tell him what your former teacher did each
Sunday so that he can go on in the same way. What did she always do
first?”
And then a miss of sixteen said: “Kiss us.”
Very Easily Explained
A neighbor whose place adjoined Bronson Alcott’s had a vegetable garden
in which he took a great interest. Mr. Alcott had one also, and both
men were especially interested in their potato patches. One morning,
meeting by the fence, the neighbor said, “How is it, Mr. Alcott, you
are never troubled with bugs, while my vines are crowded with them?”
“My friend, that is very easily explained,” replied Mr. Alcott. “I rise
very early in the morning, gather all the bugs from my vines and throw
them into your yard.”
Proved His Teacher Wrong
Little Willie’s father found his youthful son holding up one of his
rabbits by the ears and saying to him: “How much is seven times seven,
now?”
“Bah,” the father heard the boy say, “I knew you couldn’t. Here’s
another one. Six times six is how much?”
“Why, Willie, what in the world are you doing with your rabbit?” asked
the father.
Willie threw the rabbit down with disgust. “I knew our teacher was
lying to us,” was all he said.
“Why, how?” asked his father.
“Why, she told us this morning that rabbits were the greatest
multipliers in the world.”
At the Department Store
A man with a low voice had just completed his purchases in the
department store, says the “Brooklyn Eagle.”
“What is the name?” asked the clerk.
“Jepson,” replied the man.
“Chipson?”
“No, Jepson.”
“Oh, yes, Jefferson.”
“No, Jepson; J-e-p-s-o-n.”
“Jepson?”
“That’s it. You have it. Sixteen eighty-two——”
“Your first name; initial, please.”
“Oh, K.”
“O.K. Jepson.”
“Excuse me, it isn’t O. K. You did not understand me. I said ‘Oh’.”
“O. Jepson.”
“No; rub out the O. and let the K. stand.”
The clerk looked annoyed. “Will you please give me your initials
again?”
“I said K.”
“I beg your pardon, you said O. K. Perhaps you had better write it
yourself.”
“I said ‘Oh’——”
“Just now you said K.”
“Allow me to finish what I started. I said ‘Oh,’ because I did not
understand what you were asking me. I did not mean that it was my
initial. My name is Kirby Jepson.”
“Oh!”
“No, not O., but K. Give me the pencil, and I’ll write it down for you
myself. There, I guess it’s O. K. now.”
The Worst Death There Is
BY BILL NYE
It is now the proper time for the cross-eyed woman to fool with the
garden hose. I have faced death in almost every form, and I do not know
what fear is, but when a woman with one eye gazing into the zodiac and
the other peering into the middle of next week, and wearing one of
those floppy sunbonnets, picks up the nozzle of the garden hose and
turns on the full force of the institution, I fly wildly to the
Mountains of Hepsidam.
Water won’t hurt any one, of course, if care is used not to forget and
drink any of it, but it is this horrible suspense and uncertainty about
facing the nozzle of a garden hose in the hands of a cross-eyed woman
that unnerves and paralyzes me.
Instantaneous death is nothing to me. I am as cool and collected where
leaden rain and iron hail are thickest as I would be in my own office
writing the obituary of the man who steals my jokes. But I hate to be
drowned slowly in my good clothes and on dry land, and have my dying
gaze rest on a woman whose ravishing beauty would drive a narrow-gauge
mule into convulsions and make him hate himself t’death.
A Long-Lived Family
A “dime museum” manager, having heard of a man 123 years of age,
journeyed to his home to try and secure him for exhibition purposes.
“Well, my friend,” said the museum manager, “the proofs of your age
seem to be all right. Now, how would you like to come to my place, just
do nothing but sit on a platform and let people look at you, and I will
pay you $100 a week?”
“I’d like it all right,” answered the aged man. “But I couldn’t go, of
course, unless I had my father’s consent.”
“Your father!” gasped the manager. “Do you mean to say your father is
alive?”
“Yes, indeed,” replied the man.
“Well, where is your father? Home here?” asked the manager.
“Oh, yes,” was the answer. “He’s upstairs, putting grandfather to bed!”
Silenced the Ringleader
The head teacher in a Sunday-school was much worried by the noise of
the pupils in the next room, At last, unable to bear it any longer, he
mounted a chair and looked over the partition. Seeing a boy a little
taller than the others talking a great deal, he leaned over, hoisted
him over the partition, and banged him into a chair in his room,
saying:
“Now be quiet.”
A quarter of an hour later a smaller head appeared around the door and
a meek little voice said:
“Please, sir, you’ve got our teacher.”
Got Out of That, All Right
“My dear,” said a wife to her husband, “do you realize that you have
forgotten that this is my birthday?”
“Yes, dearie, I did forget it,” replied the husband. “Isn’t it natural
that I should? There isn’t really anything about you to remind me that
you are a day older than you were a year ago.”
He Simply Looked That Way
The man in the smoker was boasting of his unerring ability to tell from
a man’s looks exactly what city he came from. “You, for example,” he
said to the man next to him, “you are from New Orleans?” He was right.
“You, my friend,” turning to the man on the other side of him, “I
should say you are from Chicago?” Again he was right.
The other two men got interested.
“And you are from Boston?” he asked the third man.
“That’s right, too,” said the New Englander.
“And you from Philadelphia, I should say?” to the last man.
“No, sir,” answered the man with considerable warmth; “I’ve been sick
for three months: that’s what makes me look that way!”
What She Would Like
A little girl stood in a city meat-market waiting for some one to
attend to her wants. Finally the proprietor was at liberty, approached
her and said benignantly, “Is there anything you would like, little
girl?”
“Oh, yes, sir, please: I want a diamond ring, and a seal-skin sacque, a
real foreign nobleman, and a pug dog, and a box at the opera, and, oh,
ever so many other things; but all Ma wants is ten cents’ worth of
bologna.”
The Highest Price in the Store
A rich American woman visited a Japanese art shop in Paris. It happened
to be a dull, dark afternoon. She looked at the bronzes, jewels,
drawings and other things, and finally, pointing toward a dusky corner,
she said to the polite young salesman: “How much is that Japanese idol
over there worth?”
The salesman bowed, and answered: “About five hundred thousand francs,
madam. It is the proprietor.”
From Different Points
“Father, you were born in California, you say?”
“Yes, my son.”
“And mother was born in New York?”
“Yes.”
“And I was born in Indiana?”
“Yes, my boy.”
“Well, father, don’t it beat the Dutch how we all got together!”
So Son: So Father?
A small boy who had been very naughty was first reprimanded, then told
that he must take a whipping. He flew upstairs and hid in the far
corner under a bed. Just then the father came home. The mother told him
what had occurred. He went upstairs and proceeded to crawl under the
bed toward the youngster, who whispered excitedly, “Hello, Pop, is she
after you, too?”
How Could He?
“Papa” was becoming impatient at the lateness of the hour when he
remarked: “I can’t see why that young fellow who is calling on Minnie
hasn’t sense enough to go home. It’s near midnight.”
“The dear little brother” of the family just then came in, heard his
father’s remark, and ventured some light:
“He can’t go, father. Sister’s sitting on him.”
Couldn’t Leave Town
A lawyer had a horse that always balked when he attempted to cross a
certain bridge leading out of the village. No amount of whipping or
urging would induce him to cross it, so he advertised him for sale: “To
be sold for no other reason than that the owner would like to leave
town.”
He Knew His Father
“Suppose,” said a father to his little boy, “you have half an apple and
I give you another half. How much have you?”
“A whole apple,” said the boy.
“Well,” continued the father, “suppose you had a half dollar and I gave
you another half dollar. What would you have then?”
“A fit,” promptly answered the boy.
A Valuable Office Boy
The employer was bending over a table, looking at the directory. The
new office boy slipped up quietly and poked a note into his hand. The
surprised employer opened it, and read:
“Honored Sir—Yer pants is ripped.”
She Had a Question to Ask
A certain prominent dry-goods merchant is also a Sunday-school
superintendent. Not long since he devoted the last few moments of the
weekly session to an impressive elucidation of the parable of the
Prodigal Son, and afterward asked with due solemnity if any one of the
“little gleaners” present desired to ask a question. Sissy Jones’s hand
shot up.
“Very well,” he said, designating her with a benevolent finger and a
bland smile, “what is it you would like to know, Cecilia?”
“Please, what’s the price of them little pink parasols in your
show-window?”
The Only Time When He Does
A “Subscriber” once wrote to an editor and asked: “Please tell me, does
a man in running around a tree go before or behind himself?”
The editor answered:
“That depends. If he is trying to catch himself, necessarily he follows
himself, and consequently goes behind. If, on the contrary, he is
running away from himself, the deduction leads to the very obvious
conclusion that he precedes himself, and consequently goes before. If
he succeeds in catching up with himself, and passes himself, at the
moment of passing he neither precedes nor follows himself, but both he
and himself are running even. This is the only case where he does not
go before or behind himself.”
In the Absence of a Tip
“Excuse me, madam, would you mind walking the other way and not passing
the horse?” said an English cabman with exaggerated politeness to the
fat lady who had just paid a minimum fare, with no fee.
“Why?” she inquired.
“Because if ’e sees wot ’e’s been carrying for a shilling ’e’ll ’ave a
fit,” was the freezing answer.
Her Father Didn’t Like It
A young man told his girl the other night that if she didn’t marry him
he’d get a rope and hang himself right in front of her house. “Oh,
please, don’t do it, dear,” she said; “you know father doesn’t want you
hanging around here.”
He Didn’t Mind His Going Once
An elderly gentleman, a stranger in New York and not sure of his way,
stopped a young man on Fifth Avenue and said:
“Young man, I would like very much to go to Central Park.”
The young man became thoughtful for a moment, and then, looking the old
gentleman in the face, said:
“Well, I don’t mind your going just this once, but don’t ever, ever ask
me to go there again.”
Never Again
It was a pitiful mistake, an error sad and grim. I waited for the
railway train; the light was low and dim. It came at last, and from a
car there stepped a dainty dame, and, looking up and down the place,
she straight unto me came. “Oh, Jack!” she cried, “oh, dear old Jack!”
and kissed me as she spake; then looked again, and, frightened, cried,
“Oh, what a bad mistake!” I said, “Forgive me, maiden fair, for I am
not your Jack; and as regards the kiss you gave, I’ll straightway give
it back.” And since that night I’ve often stood upon that platform dim,
but only once in a man’s whole life do such things come to him.
A Kiss in the Rain
BY SAMUEL MINTURN PECK
One stormy morn I chanced to meet
A lassie in the town;
Her locks were like the ripened wheat,
Her laughing eyes were brown.
I watched her as she tripped along
Till madness filled my brain,
And then—and then—I know ’twas wrong—
I kissed her in the rain.
With raindrops shining on her cheek
Like dewdrops on a rose,
The little lassie strove to speak,
My boldness to oppose;
She strove in vain, and quivering,
Her fingers stole in mine;
And then the birds began to sing,
The sun began to shine.
Oh, let the clouds grow dark above,
My heart is light below;
’Tis always summer when we love,
However winds may blow;
And I’m as proud as any prince,
All honors I disdain:
She says I am her _rain beau_ since
I kissed her in the rain.
What He Had Re(a)d
An Irishman, says “The Rochester Times,” recently went before Judge
Stephens to be naturalized.
“Have you read the Declaration of Independence?” the Court asked.
“I hov not,” said Pat.
“Have you read the Constitution of the United States?”
“I hov not, yer Honor.”
The Judge looked sternly at the applicant, and asked:
“Well, what have you read?”
Patrick hesitated but the fraction of a second before replying:
“I hov red hairs on me neck, yer Honor.”
Apostle and Epistle
A man riding through the mountains of Tennessee stopped one evening to
water his horse before a little cabin, outside of which sat an old
colored woman watching the antics of a couple of piccaninnies playing
near by.
“Good-evening, Aunty,” he called. “Cute pair of boys you’ve got.
Your children?”
“Laws-a-massy! Mah chillun! ’Deed, dem’s mah daughteh’s chilluns.
Come hyah, you boys.”
As the boys obeyed the summons the man inquired their names.
“Clah to goodness, sah, dem chilluns is right smaht named!” said the
old woman. “Ye see, mah daughteh done got ’ligion long ago, an’ named
dese hyah boys right out de Bible, sah. Dis hyah one’s named Apostle
Paul, an’ de uddah’s called Epistle Peter.”
More than Enough
An eight-year-old boy went to a church picnic, and, being a favorite
with the ladies, had been liberally supplied with good things to eat.
Later in the day one of the ladies noticed the boy sitting near a
stream with a woebegone expression on his face and his hands clasped
over his stomach.
“Why, what’s the matter, Willie?” she kindly asked. “Haven’t you had
enough to eat?”
“Oh, yes’m,” said the boy. “I’ve had enough. I feel as though I don’t
want all I’ve got.”
His Only Request
A pretty young girl was walking through a Richmond hospital with
delicacies for the sick and wounded. She overheard a suffering young
Confederate officer say, “Oh, my Lord!”
Wishing to rebuke him slightly she came to his bedside and said:
“I think that I heard you call upon the name of the Lord. I am one of
His daughters. Is there anything that I can do for you?”
He looked upon the lovely face.
“Yes,” he said, “please ask Him to make me His son-in-law.”
A Good Majority
A well-known English surgeon was imparting some clinical instructions
to half a dozen students, according to “The Medical Age.” Pausing at
the bedside of a doubtful case he said: “Now, gentlemen, do you think
this is or is not a case for operation?”
One by one each student made his diagnosis, and all of them answered in
the negative.
“Well, gentlemen, you are all wrong,” said the wielder of the scalpel,
“and I shall operate to-morrow.”
“No, you won’t,” said the patient, as he rose in his bed; “six to one
is a good majority; gimme my clothes.”
Ready to Accommodate Her
Attorney-General Moody was once riding on the platform of a Boston
street car, standing next to the gate that protected passengers from
cars coming on the other track. A Boston lady came to the door of the
car, and, as it stopped, started toward the gate, which was hidden from
her by the men standing before it.
“Other side, please, lady,” said the conductor.
He was ignored as only a born-and-bred Bostonian can ignore a man.
The lady took another step toward the gate.
“You must get off the other side,” said the conductor.
“I wish to get off on this side,” came the answer in tones that
congealed that official into momentary silence. Before he could explain
or expostulate Mr. Moody came to his assistance.
“Stand to one side, gentlemen,” he remarked quietly. “The lady wishes
to climb over the gate.”
A New Name for Them
One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of various
words to her young nephew. “Now, an heirloom, my dear, means something
that has been handed down from father to son,” she said.